Real L Word 307 Recap: Dream Come True, Nightmare Come Soon

We zip northwards to Brooklyn, where Laura is femmed out and full of love and food, throwing a dinner party for her friends ’cause her Mom is in town and Mom nixed the “go to Cubbyhole” plan and they love to cook. They just LOVE to cook! And eat! And cook and eat and drink with friends!

i think it’s time for us to have a toast

Look at all these friends, all dressed in black like the busboys at The Olive Garden!

let’s have a toast for the douchebags, let’s have a toast for the assholes, let’s have a toast for dusty ray

Somer’s unavailable so Donna has arrived in her stead.

Also present?

the good ones are always taken

Amanda has to step out for her scheduled call with Lauren while everybody else witnesses the final plating and delivery of the evening meal. Lauren’s jealous of Amanda’s geographical situation and they miss each other so Lauren decides to hop a plane. Will Kiyomi pee/come in her pants in excitement, or will she yell “you can’t just hop a a plane and come and visit me again?” Let’s find out!

i know it looks like i’m about to eat ten dead babies, but this really is my happy face, i swear

Amanda: “I was just on the phone with Lauren. She’s gonna come out. Do you think that’s scary?”
Kiyomi: “[makes weird noises, laughs] I’m surprised, i mean, I’m not — that’s awesome, that’s great! That’s good!”
Amanda: “You seem a little nervous, not gonna lie. Where are these reservations coming from?”
Kiyomi: “No, not reservations, I’m just surprised –”
Amanda: “Why? Explain.”
Kiyomi: “Can we talk about this not in front of everybody?”
Amanda: “Yeah.”
Kiyomi: “Thank you.”
Amanda: “I sense a lesbian freakout!”

But really Vero and her girlfriend steal the scene:

check out vero in the background

Amanda’s underwhelmed by Kiyomi’s reaction and shuffles her into another room for her interrogation, during which she points out that Kiyomi & Lauren have never been on a date before and so Kiyomi better start thinking of ideas. I suggest Chuckie Cheese’s. Just throwing it out there.

Amanda: “You’re like, I put rose petals all over the house, and then I put cats all over the bed, I covered the bed in cats and kittens—”
Kiyomi: “I actually maybe have put rose petals — not rose petals — not too long ago —”
Amanda: “Keep that to yourself forever.”

Amen.

so what’s the deal, is lauren more of a sunflower girl than a roses girl

Kiyomi interviews that she’s got a SUPERCRUSH on Lauren, which’s like Superfreak, but for lesbians, and that she’s nervous about Lauren coming out ’cause of some abstract emotional reason involving question marks that I don’t really give a fuck about.

Amanda: “I know that inside you’re like a little 13 year old girl and you’re like ‘yes i’m so excited’ and you’re gonna go home and change your outfit 14 times before you go meet her.”
Kiyomi: “That might be true.”

Bye Mrs. Laura, we’ll see you again when/if Laura has some potentially upsetting but ultimately heartwarming news to share!

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We smear on back to Connecticut, Whitney’s home and native land. I went to Connecticut earlier this year, I believe, to talk to the Yale Children about Sex & Writing. It was way awesomer than this teevee show. Anyhow, I found “Connecticut” quite challenging to spell when I was learning to spell, didn’t you? So in my head it’s still “Connect – I – cut.” Like it connects with a cut. Anyhow, speaking of cunts, Sarahara has one and is gonna call her Mom.

oh cell phone, you will always be my one true love

She’s gotta tell Mom that the wedding’s still in June but they’re gonna handle some paperwork today in Connect-i-cut. Surprise! Mom says “let me have a seat,” and there are some awkward pauses and then Mom lays the smack down:

Mrs.Sara: “Sara, let me tell you this. How can you just think of you? You’re not thinking of us! In such short time. I’m too old for so much news at the same time. It’s too much!”

Mom says this situation seems “like a Russian salad” which Sara explains means “it has a lot of confusing components.” Mom asks to speak to Whitney.

ok we promise not to do it at mohegan sun

Whitney asks Mrs.Sara what she thinks about The Connecticut Plan:

Mrs. Sara: “Well everything is so fast for me. I’m old . I’m not work that fast. But I just wanna tell you we with you guys 120, for sure… I want you to know you take Sara, she’s the most important thing we have. her and my other daughter. Please be happy.”

besides the iphone, obvs

Whitney promises to take care of Sara and I got a little teary.

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Cut to another Insufferable Minute in Los Angeles, California, where Romi $linger is launching her career at a coffee shop with her ex-boyfriend and that fur coat.

it’s not easy to look this good and be this famous and be the most famous celesbian ever

Dusty Ray opens his mouth and words come out of it:

Dusty Ray: “I’m gonna make the best track that I can for you. and then we’re gonna put your voice on it and that’s what pop needs, and that’s what music needs and that’s what you need, is just to be real.”

In response, Romi says: “sometimes I just stare at you.”

if only we had an entire tumblr that was just pictures of you or the both of us that i could stare at all the time

Dusty: “Really, why?”
Romi: “I don’t know. I stare at you sometimes… it’s a weird like… hmmmmm — “

it appears dusty ray also attended the parties at noel kahn’s robot murder house

Romi interviews about how much she loves Dusty Ray and feels this deep connection with him:

Romi: “It’s kinda weird, like it trips me out sometimes, like sometimes I look at him and he looks at me and I’m like did you happen in a dream? Did you happen in my past?”

 

I bet you’re wondering how these two lovebirds met!

vintage dustyandromi.tumblr.com

Well, here’s the story:

Romi: “My friend introduced me to Dusty in San Jose and we started dating that day. Literally shook hands, fell in love, we were on the balcony that night already making out and then we dated for four months of just being together every single day, we would just drink wine and talk about music and listen to music, it was amazing, like I was in love with him. Dusty left me, so it wasn’t my call. That was one of the only people who really broke my heart and then six years later I get a call that he lives in LA and is working on music.”

There’s some mumbo jumbo between them about their energy being cut short the last time they orbited each other’s moons and now it’s “immediate” reconnection which Dusty Ray notes is “just like plugging it back in.” So to speak.

Laneia: oh
oh
oh
WAIT
Riese: her favorite thing is people who remind her of her
Laneia: FOUR MONTHS
i;dgfaegio;egijregijoraejow
Riese: she was in love with him
Laneia: it was wine and talking about music
riese
it was so pure
it was like
immediate
like
Riese: music and love and life
Laneia: like
Riese: free love
Laneia: like
like
Riese: free city
like
it was so LIKE
like amazing
Laneia: i know
i know
like
Riese: they just LOOK at each other
Laneia: i know
Riese: right
i know
i know you know
Laneia: lol like i know
egroieiot4;ijlr3

Romi says Dusty Ray makes her feel sixteen again!

Riese: thinking i liked boys reminds me of being 16 too
Laneia: being 16 again would make me want to die

that’s what she said

So I guess the internet gave Romi shit for what’s coming next in this storyline, which I assume is Romi leaving Kelsey for Dusty and, I guess, cheating on Kelsey? I assume this based on this blog post she wrote in response to apparent hate she’s getting about cheating on a woman with a man? (Sidenote: she cheated on a man with a woman like three episodes ago, so). The jist of the blog post is, “you all think it’s okay when girls cheat on girls with girls, but suddenly because it’s a boy, it’s not okay,” which’s a stupid thing to say because nobody here thinks it’s okay for girls to cheat on girls with other girls! That’s crazy! I mean, yes, there is a double standard in the lesbian community where bisexuals dating boys is concerned, and there are so many examples of that out there in the world but honey — this is not an example of that.

click to enlarge

She ends the post by saying you can’t get mad at people for following their hearts, and then I ran into traffic and died.

Ultimately, it’s her life, we’ve all made terrible mistakes, I have too, I can’t judge her. But I can’t imagine ever in a million years writing a blog post imploring everybody to stop “putting me down” for cheating because I was only “following my heart and being totally honest.” No! When you’ve done something wrong, you deserve to be down, and when it was me, I knew I deserved to be down.

I’ve always liked Romi’s character but this season I really, really don’t. I don’t care about her sexual orientation and as aforementioned, am in no position to judge how she handles her relationships, but I just don’t like her character. That’s part of being on teevee — people will see your character and some will like it and some won’t!  So the only problem I see here is the unnecessary apostrophe used to pluralize “members.” Plural nouns don’t need apostrophes! #JustSaying.

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It’s time for the unconventional wedding in the backyard in Connecticut, Whitney’s home and native land!

i’m so glad we were able to convert your childhood blankie into this meaningful shawl

Whitney: “I’m dressed like an Amish man.”

Sarahara, on the other hand, is wearing a red dress, like that song “Lady in Red” and also like that song “Devil With a Red Dress On.”

Oh wait, whoops, wrong late-night Showtime drama about unconventional relationships that claims to be real and progressive and features a bunch of white people with significant sex drives and too many feelings!

and this is why you should always pack a wedding-suitable dress everywhere you go

Sarahara says it’s freezing, but luckily they’ve got their love to keep them warm, the Justice of the Peace, and at least one chair suitable for the outdoors. So it’s very sweet and everybody has the loveliest time!

clearly they did it once with the shawl and once without

Grandmother interviews:

Grandmother: “Oh, I’m happy to see them get married. It’s something I’ve got to get used to, too, but it’s still fine no matter how you look at it, I think they’re adorable together.”

it doesn’t hold a candle to Lucy and Desi’s wedding on November 30th, 1940, but it was still ok

Whitney: “I don’t think I ever thought my grandma would be at the wedding. I love the fact that my Grandma’s at my wedding that happened to be a same-sex marriage, I don’t think I ever would have thought of that, I’m so grateful.

mom and grandma even let us borrow the car for a joyride to the dairy queen!

Whitney’s really emotional and teary and I think I got kinda teary, too. Not Laneia though. Also then the show ends and they show us scenes from next week, which is like being shown a video of a root canal before getting the root canal.

Laneia: well obvs we all agree that kelsey, korycasiekoorkdkckasie and grandma are the best things
i wish i knew how the insemination and the stress and the bills and the life affected korcaci
bc that is so real riese
girls getting drunk — even if they’re lesbians! — isn’t real. that is inherently fake and pointless
girls fighting and being beneath themselves and flying to other cities. i don’t care about that who would ever care about that
i wish they would show me something that i haven’t seen — an actual committed lesbian relationship, with problems and happiness and cats
Riese: i don’t think reality television can show that
Laneia: riese i refuse to believe that
Riese: we don’t trust it enough.
documentaries can
or scripted tv
but reality tv is inherently exploitative
it feels fake by definition
documentaries want to be honest
fiction wants to be honest
reality tv wants to be dishonest while pretending to be honest
that’s the genre
Laneia: i hate it

[12 minutes later]

Riese: do u watch the poly show

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Riese is the 39-year-old Co-Founder and CEO of Autostraddle.com as well as an award-winning writer, blogger, fictionist, copywriter, video-maker and aspiring cyber-performance artist who grew up in Michigan, lost her mind in New York and then headed West. Her work has appeared in nine books including "The Bigger the Better The Tighter The Sweater: 21 Funny Women on Beauty, Body Image & Other Hazards Of Being Female," magazines including Marie Claire and Curve, and all over the web including Nylon, Queerty, Nerve, Bitch, Emily Books and Jezebel. She had a very popular personal blog once upon a time, and then she recapped The L Word, and then she had the idea to make this place, and now here we all are! In 2016, she was nominated for a GLAAD Award for Outstanding Digital Journalism. Follow her on twitter and instagram.

Riese has written 2883 articles for us.

139 Comments

  1. “IF ONLY WE HAD AN ENTIRE TUMBLR THAT WAS JUST PICTURES OF YOU OR THE BOTH OF US THAT I COULD STARE AT ALL THE TIME”

    I fucking love you.

    Also “Keep that to yourself forever.”

    These are my highlights, I think.

  2. I haven’t watched this episode yet… but thank you. thank you thank you thank you, for telling me exactly when i need to fast forward through certain people (i.e. Kiyomi/Lamanda & Rusty [yup i nicknamed them]) The hour-long episodes suddenly become about 30 minutes when you get through the junk.

  3. I sit through this season purely for the brief and beautiful glimpses of Vero. Even if ALMOST EVERY TIME WE SEE HOTTY McSENSUAL VOICE VERO she is sat with her cool face on while Kiyomi Irritating McMoans-a-lot Moans a Lot about all the sex she’s having and how complicated her emotions surrounding that are. Seriously, how do they pick which stories to focus on??

  4. Romi having her own song will be a nice addition to her Sunday evenings in between filming of rewatching her own parts of the show and wearing exclusively clothes that have her face on them. Now she has background music!

  5. With each passing episode, Romi is starting to fit the profile of a sociopath. Like for real. She’s checking a lot of the boxes, not just one or two. I pray to God this show really is as scripted as I think it is and she is not actually as god awful as she seems to be but that blog post is not exactly helping.

    Also, her wardrobe is atrocious and makes me wish their really was an actual fashion police to issue her a citation.

      • Agreed, re borderline although her mom mentioned once she was bipolar. I don’t dislike or harbor ill will toward her but I do worry that being on this show isn’t really good for her mental well-being.

  6. This is the first season i’ve ever seen of the real L word (I came for the Hunter Valentine). I don’t understand how anyone could like Romi but from the recap it sounds like maybe at one time she was likable. My sister made a good point when she said that it seems like Romi just clings to whomever comes near that has something she needs.

    I’m kinda bummed that Ali got a good amount of story time but Katie Murphy (Sick Of Sarah) & Tucky Willams (Girl/Girl Scene) got squat. Tucky & Laura were an adorable couple and as I understand Katie & Murphy still are one.

    Also in that “making of” video was that the song, playing in the background, that Romi was recording in the episode? Sounds like Dusty or whoever auto-tuned the crap out of it and Romi was so bad that he relegated her to only a tiny bit of the chorus.

  7. final thoughts

    1. vero&girlfriend scenes, grandma mixter, disapproving kelsey (in relation to the making of ear infection music), and confession time: the kiyoren story line got me through this episode. probably also the fact that i was watching girl/girl scene online

    2. sara looks really cute in little to no make up on her face and fall layers, i think it also helped that she didn’t bring up romi once during this whole disaster. you know what else is cute, amanda’s little motorcycle!

    oh and dusty reminds me of a douchey sonic the hedgehog

  8. I’ve come to believe Charlie Monroe is the best big sister ever. She sacrificed her tiny self so that her parents would know what’s up about the very rare condition Cori has, and so her future siblings would survive. I love that kid for that. Also, she’s a tough little one, fighting to be be born so she could meet her moms, sharing a breath, her only breath, with them. Angel. God bless.

  9. Cori: “I definitely think that Charlie — I know that she’s the reason that I’m pushing. I know she would be so upset if we gave up, and I know that she’s up there picking out the perfect little sibling, I know it.”

    Maybe I just cried. It might have happened.

  10. Can I just point out the unimpressed look on Erika’s face in the entire scene where they are talking about Romi making a song. It’s like she knows Romi is full of shit and doesn’t want to be there.

    Also am I the only one who laughed through the whole scene of Whitney crying at the end just from pure shock that Whitney was actually showing human emotions? Like I wasn’t expecting it, Whitney crying.

    Also. Also. That poly show that comes on after. I watch that show. It is WEIRD and like a train wreck due to that “pod” (the four people couple??) they are just…IDK. They are basically two married couples who have sex with the other couple and the dudes don’t even get it on. I’m just like… Why don’t the dudes get it on if you’re all in love?

    • Cuz a very small part of me wants to see some dude on dude but I think that even Showtime is too afraid to show something so “EXTREME” like two dudes getting it on cuz you know…No straight guy would want to see that so what’s the point???

        • I just watched an episode online. One of the guys in that ‘pod’ is a mega douchebag.
          So, his wife, a member of the pod has a girlfriend that she won’t share with anyone else and he thinks that breaks the rules of polyamory, so it’s more like a non-monogamous relationship. Funny how polyamory only applies when he wants sex with a hot young girl and definitely doesn’t require him crossing swords with the other man in the ‘pod’, hmm.

          • I liked it, especially when they came out to their parents who were so cool about it all (and also since both families involved jewish families)

            before even looking at that link i’m guessing you’re talking about nick carter and his curtains, yes?

            his definition of what polyamory was and how it should play out in their relationship did seem to centre on what his penis wanted… even though his wife’s girlfriend told her she wasn’t really interested in that, and when he asked to kiss her she had to laugh it off… it’s probably difficult to tell someone you’re with who is polyamorous that you don’t think much of their husband.

            In interesting news:
            http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-latin-america-19402508

            check out Brazil!

          • just checked the link and yes it was indeed mr curtains.
            his hair actually made me look up the series to make sure it wasn’t a 10-year-old show on a re-run.

          • omg, these are my exact same feeling about the same guy!!!!!!!! just thinking about that stupid hair makes my head hurt

  11. Romi makes me want to drink like A LOT! She went from fun, mysterious attractive cute weirdo girl to obnoxious self absorbed delusional narcissic A-Hole at the minute she got sober!!
    Cheers to that amazing transformation!
    My guess is that she started to compensate with a lot of illegal substance and is abusing it way too much now.
    If that’s the face of soberness, I wanna be drunk all day long.

    • Romi’s eyes scare me so I wouldn’t doubt that she is using something illegal. If not then she is using people instead to compensate for lack of drinking. She needs something to fill the void.

      I saw on Twitter that she signed a contract with Rose from the first season for a show…I guess another reality show following them around? Lord help us, it IS the apocalypse.

  12. RIESE!
    Let’s have a poly show discussion. That show really does a good ob of showing that yes, reality show is sometimes obviously scripted, but it can really be honest and new and exciting. Though I’m sure that show could get old quick, hence it being aired as a special (maybe all the sex has something to do with it too). But there is so much to talk about on the poly show!

  13. “You’re like, I put rose petals all over the house, and then I put cats all over the bed, I covered the bed in cats and kittens—”

    is the most amazing thing anyone on TRLW has ever said (excepting “i love love so much you”)

    also this seems like a good time to announce how obsessed i am with dustyandromi.tumblr.com. like in the same way i’m obsessed with watching planet earth. they’re like space aliens! how did they happen!

  14. This show is just getting boring. Like.

    At least in the past seasons, the debauchery and sheer ridiculousness of it all (i.e. creamed corn wrestling, anything with Claire, LA Fashion Week) were entertaining in an I-can’t-stop-laughing-at-these-crazy-lesbians kind of way. Like.

    KayCor = saving grace of this train wreck. Like.

    I refuse to comment on anything Romi related because I may just try that running into traffic thing Riese mentioned earlier. Like, for real.

    I’m gonna go Google that poly show now. Or watch PLL… yeah, PLL. Like.

  15. Also: I really liked “Gay in LA” – it wasn’t like a good song but it was hilarious and, I thought, showed that Romi didn’t take herself too seriously and could make fun of herself.

    Obviously after reading her blogpost and confessions about bisexuality/love/music/following her heart/being herself etc I realized she’s actually certifiably insane.

  16. Jesus, I feel so sorry for Kelsey when she says she doesnt see Dusty as a threat! Well, maybe it’s cause the threat is Romi herself? GAAAWD I used to like her in former seasons but now she’s just so annoying! And yeah, Dusty is creepy as hell.
    Wow, Amanda rocks in this all black leather outfit she’s wearing. I need to steal that. Oh, and her motorbike as well.

    PS: Vero, you broke my heart.

  17. Loved the Connecticut stuff. I kindly refer to bitchy CT girls who like to judge NYC girls “Connecticunts”…there are several in the New Haven area. Oh, thanks for the Indigo Girls shout out. No, really. I had that song in my head for the rest of the day and had the urge to call my first girlfriend.

  18. I think that “I wanna gouge my eyes out with a fork” might be another screencap for the ages, y’all. it and “this is crazy” could work pretty well as recaps on their own, though you’d have to write in a couple jokes at the end to make up for the ones we’d be missing from the long-form version.

  19. TRUTH: “Oh wait, whoops, wrong late-night Showtime drama about unconventional relationships that claims to be real and progressive and features a bunch of white people with significant sex drives and too many feelings!”

    I had half a beer left when the episode ended so yes, I did watch the poly show.

  20. Amanda: “You’re like, I put rose petals all over the house, and then I put cats all over the bed, I covered the bed in cats and kittens—”

    Amanda pulls no punches and she has some of my fave lines

  21. It’s frightening this show. Romi has become a stepford wife. Amanda is totally evil. Kiyomi and lauren obviously have a connection, right people wrong timing maybe, and who is she to give any advice.

    These bitches need to stop sniffing coke and and get some help!!!

    At one point when sara and and whitney are talking at the cafe, i swear the camera angle showed whitneys nose getting bigger like pinochio. Stop the bullshit please Ilene and show us something interesting !!!

  22. I don’t know what has happened to Romi, but shes just not the same person as she was in the last two seasons.

    Shes just too self centered and absorbed and comes off as really fake. I dislike her more and more as the season progresses.

    I think she really needs help because i def see some personality disorder going on. Hopefully im wrong and its just showtime that portrays her like that, but i dont think so.

    And I don’t want to seem rude or mean but I really do not understand what Lauren sees in Kyomi, I really don’t. I just dont find Kyomi attractive at all. Lauren could totally do soo much better and get a girl who’s hot like her or even hotter.

  23. Wow, amazing blog layout! How long have you ever been blogging for? you made blogging glance easy. The whole glance of your website is wonderful, let alone the content!

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