Real L Word 307 Recap: Dream Come True, Nightmare Come Soon

Somewhere else at some other crucial and influencial moment in history, Amanda walks into the Room With The Table In It and announces she’s flying to New York City in two hours and needs a ride to the airport.

hey so super shuttle is hella booked, you got a minute

Amanda’s bought a one-way, which isn’t actually entirely notable ’cause sometimes you just don’t know what day you’re flying back yet and round-trips aren’t cheaper than one ways like they used to be when I was a toddler eating my own thumbs and rubbing paste on the wall, but I think we’re supposed to think this is a big deal and Amanda will never return to Los Angeles, or something.

Amanda: “Can you please not question me and just drive me to the airport?”

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Smear to Cozy Connecticut, where Whitney, Sarahara and Grandmother are still warming their asses around the kitchen table. Now that Tiffany The Scene-Stealer is out of the picture, it’s Whitney’s time to shine. Prior to departing, Tiffany gave Whitney this blessing:

Tiffany: “Don’t be scared, be brave, lionheart.”

So Whitney goes for it:

i thought the whole idea here was that she didn’t know Whitney was getting married To Sara, but whatever

Grandmother’s response is, more or less, “NBD.”

aka “no shit, sherlock”

Sarahara shows Grandmother her ring and then Grandmother shows Sarahara her wedding ring and you know, rings rings rings fingers slipping into things. All’s well.

and i bought you that ring ’cause i never was cool

Whitney: “This whole time I’m sitting there creating this response or this fear in myself of what Grandma is gonna say and what she’s gonna think about our engagement, and when it finally came up there was nothing weird. I feel silly for creating it into something that it isn’t.”

Never underestimate Grandmother, I’m telling you.

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Back at The House of Sad and Slowly Clearing Fog, Cori and Kacy are prepping physically and emotionally for their appointment at Seattle Grace for another insemination.

Kacy: “It’s the craziest combination between happy and sad ever.”

Kacy & Cori keep Charlie’s ashes in a tiny heart-shaped box, and they decide to bring the box with them to the doctor.

Cori: “I definitely think that Charlie — I know that she’s the reason that I’m pushing. I know she would be so upset if we gave up, and I know that she’s up there picking out the perfect little sibling, I know it.”

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Cut back to Connecticut, where Whitney and Sarahara are visiting a cafè to pretend like they’d been living in isolation cells ever since Telling Grandma and have gathered here to discuss it like it’s brand-new news.

oh good now that i’ve gotten that worm out of my ear we can get down to business

Whitney notes that due to the seductive legality of gay marriage in Connecticut, perhaps it’d benefit them to get legally hitched while they’re in town and then have the Big Wedding in California with Everybody in June.

Whitney interviews:

Whitney: “Honestly, a legal ceremony, it’s important in the sense that I want the same rights as a heterosexual couple would have, for sure, and it’s not like gay couples can just wake up one morning and say, “Hey, let’s go to Vegas and get married!” In a spiritual sense, it doesn’t matter, the legality of things, I would go through the ceremony if it wasn’t legal, but in a human rights sense, absolutely the legality part matters.”

But seriously, who the fuck needs Vegas anyhow when you’ve got Connecticut’s own Mohegan Sun?

“A world at play and a world to its own, Mohegan Sun, created in 1996 by the Mohegan Tribe of Connecticut, is one of the world’s most amazing destinations with some of New England’s finest dining, hotel accommodations, retail shopping, live entertainment and sporting events. Boasting three world-class casinos, Mohegan Sun is also host to the Kids Quest/Cyber Quest family entertainment facility, a luxurious day spa, convention center and meeting facility, a state-of-the-art Poker Room as well as three major entertainment venues with seating from 300 to 10,000. People from across the globe come to see live concerts with some of today’s top headliners, along with major sporting events including Mohegan Sun’s very own WNBA team, the Connecticut Sun.”

Amirite?

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We now travel to what I believe is the deepest, darkest, swampiest murky bits of hell to meet up with Dusty Ray, The Passionate Artist Musician Sensitive Soul Genius.

taken only moments before both vamps met the true death

Romi, wrapped in a delightful  headscarf, wearing a t-shirt with her own face on it and carting two gigantic hoola hoops on her ears, implores Dusty Ray to help her not make a fool of herself. Dusty Ray’s not worried about that:

interesting logic at work here

Laneia: “i don’t wanna look like a fool”
too late
me: i already hate him
i hate him more than romi

Romi interviews that Dusty ALMOST got signed when he was 18, just like I almost got into Columbia, almost got hit by a car, almost got my book published and almost didn’t binge drink throughout this episode. Furthermore, he’s opened “for a lot of big artists” and been on Warped Tour!

Laneia: megan whispered “warped tour” and rolled her eyes
this is my feeling
the whispering of warped tour
god he looks like such a douchebag riese
me: oh my g-d
Laneia: i will die of douchebag
me: this is worse than warped tour
no wait warped tour was worse than this
it was just beer and heat
Laneia: he looks like he’s dressing like he thinks a a rock star would dress in a movie
a movie about a rockstar
me: “how is it that she is both simultaneously sharp and flat” – marni

whoo hoo witchy woman, see how high she flies

Following her first go at it, Dusty inquires:

Dusty: “Are you gonna have anyone sing with you?”
Romi: “Nope.”
Dusty: “I mean you should.”
Romi: “But I’m not.”
Dusty: “You’re not though?”
Romi: “You can.”
Dusty: “Let’s do it.”
Romi: “Will you do it with me?”
Dusty: “Of course I will!”
Romi: “Really?”
Dusty:“Yeah.”

I think we all know where this is going. Romi interviews:

Romi: “I felt so much safer having him do it with me and I could feel it when I was singing with him and like, looking at him, that I could pretty much zone out what was going on as long as he was with me… I think he felt the same thing. I’ve wanted to do this like my whole life, and why not try it with somebody who has so much experience and can really work with me and believes in me.”

Dusty interviews:

Dusty: “Romi’s so natural at everything. You’ve just gotta get the artist in tune with themselves and once they do that, they can do anything. It’s about having fun on the mike… she’s just so good at being her, that it’s just interesting to hear.”

i’m so glad somebody thinks so

Laneia: the key here is that he believes in her
she is really good at being her, that’s true
me: they’re perfect for each other
that’s true

Romi’s invited Kelsey to drop by the studio to assess her competition:

Kelsey: “At first I was a little weary about Romi making music with her ex-boyfriend but I met him and you know, Dusty has a girlfriend so he doesn’t seem like a threat at all, I actually thought he was on my team and gay, but apparently he’s not gay.”

Laneia and I typed “!!!!” at the same time when Kelsey said that, sidenote.

what is this fresh hell

Kelsey notes that Dusty is a “cuter version of Jay.” He’s sort of a pocket Jay. Like a pocket Gay. That’s the most clever idea I’ve had all recap.

earlier that day kelsey had cited a garbage can and a bottle of boric acid as “cuter than Jay”

Anyhow, Queer Pomp + Mercado arrive to snatch footage for the upcoming music video.

judging by her lack of a lower third, i can only assume that the girl in the hat works here

Kelsey: “Romi’s an entertainer and she loves to entertain and her making pop music is what she wants to do, she should definitely do it. But is it good? I don’t know. Listen to it and tell me what you think.”

Oh, I thought you’d never ask! Readers, take a gander:

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Back in New York City, Amanda’s hot-rigged a motorcycle and is zooming around the city like she owns the place.

and the engine in her driveway cutting off

Amanda: “I’ve never had like alone time or down time in any way with Kiyomi, so while i’m in New York I wanna figure out what her intentions are and what the hell is going on. I have every intention to call her out and talk to her.”

So Kiyomi invites Amanda to a dinner party Laura’s throwing.

durrrrrrr

Kiyomi is really putting on the ritz for Amanda:

Kiyomi: “The only thing that I can do is be myself and be authentic. if she likes me then she likes me and if she doesn’t then she doesn’t and there’s nothing that I can do about that.”

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Cut to The Hospital, where Cori and Kacy are preparing for their new journey into The Miracle of Life.

hey this isn’t sperm, these are mexican jumping beans

Much like marijuana, the sperm vials are labeled with obscure symbols indicating particular strains and Kacy recognizes the one they’ve got:

Kacy: “It’s the same batch [that made Charlie].”
Cori: “Oh my gosh, that’s crazy.”

but until then it’s all kraft dinner, all the time

Kacy kisses the sperm vial for good luck.

Cori: “Did you ever think your mouth would be so close to some sperm?”
Kacy: “Really? Really? That’s what we’re doing with this? No, but if this is what I gotta do to make a baby, then yes.”

Really, they’re on a roll with the humor this scene:

Cori: “I hope my cervix isn’t being an asshole today. Ugh, why does this have to be so uncomfortable.”
Kacy: “It could be worse, you could have dude on top of you.”

Kacy kisses her and tells her it’s gonna be okay and they are so cute and I’m pretty sure Laneia cried a lot during this scene.

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We zoom back over to the East Coast, where Whitney and Sarahara are visiting Uncle Mike to tell him they’re getting married. Let’s just do this forever! Whitney and Sara tell the mailman about their wedding! Whitney and Sara show the ring to their roommates from college! It could be a spinoff called “Whitney and Sara Tell People About Their Wedding!” and I wouldn’t have to recap it because it’d be a spinoff, duh, and I’m only recapping this show, not the inevitable spin-offs. I’d also like to pitch All Romi, All The Time as a potential breakout hit.

YAWN BRING BACK THE CREAMED CORN.

let’s show everybody the ring for the ten billionth time because rings are really important

So basically, Whitney’s Dad isn’t coming to the wedding because he doesn’t wanna be on camera. I can’t believe that her father is both alive and supportive but she’d rather have it filmed than have him there, but my rant on this topic wasn’t well-received by my viewing companion so I’m probably totally wrong and should be mad at Mr. Whitney.

Whitney: “My Dad is not coming to the wedding because he feels uncomfortable being on camera, and I’d like him to be there for such a huge event in my life you know, that matters to me, it’s my one wedding, and so yeah it pisses me off that my Dad can’t put whatever shit he’s got going on in the back burner and make it there. ‘Cause the reality is he is supportive of me being married but he just can’t get over himself…”

Mom shows up and Whitney tells her that they’ve extended their vaycay, which means they’ve gotta go to TJ’s asap and get more Chicken Tacos, and also they “might” get technically married in Connecticut and “might actually go down and get like an actual license here.”

but have you tried the potato pancakes

Whitney: “My mom’s reaction to hearing that we’re getting legally married is comparable to me telling my mom that we’re neared, she kinda has this pause and like—”
Sara: “A blank stare.”
Whitney: “She just needs process time, it varies between 10 and 25 seconds.”

Mom says of course she’ll be there tomorrow for their impromptu ceremony, which’s excellent ’cause I think it’s happening in her backyard. LITERALLY.
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Riese is the 39-year-old Co-Founder and CEO of Autostraddle.com as well as an award-winning writer, blogger, fictionist, copywriter, video-maker and aspiring cyber-performance artist who grew up in Michigan, lost her mind in New York and then headed West. Her work has appeared in nine books including "The Bigger the Better The Tighter The Sweater: 21 Funny Women on Beauty, Body Image & Other Hazards Of Being Female," magazines including Marie Claire and Curve, and all over the web including Nylon, Queerty, Nerve, Bitch, Emily Books and Jezebel. She had a very popular personal blog once upon a time, and then she recapped The L Word, and then she had the idea to make this place, and now here we all are! In 2016, she was nominated for a GLAAD Award for Outstanding Digital Journalism. Follow her on twitter and instagram.

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139 Comments

  1. “IF ONLY WE HAD AN ENTIRE TUMBLR THAT WAS JUST PICTURES OF YOU OR THE BOTH OF US THAT I COULD STARE AT ALL THE TIME”

    I fucking love you.

    Also “Keep that to yourself forever.”

    These are my highlights, I think.

  2. I haven’t watched this episode yet… but thank you. thank you thank you thank you, for telling me exactly when i need to fast forward through certain people (i.e. Kiyomi/Lamanda & Rusty [yup i nicknamed them]) The hour-long episodes suddenly become about 30 minutes when you get through the junk.

  3. I sit through this season purely for the brief and beautiful glimpses of Vero. Even if ALMOST EVERY TIME WE SEE HOTTY McSENSUAL VOICE VERO she is sat with her cool face on while Kiyomi Irritating McMoans-a-lot Moans a Lot about all the sex she’s having and how complicated her emotions surrounding that are. Seriously, how do they pick which stories to focus on??

  4. Romi having her own song will be a nice addition to her Sunday evenings in between filming of rewatching her own parts of the show and wearing exclusively clothes that have her face on them. Now she has background music!

  5. With each passing episode, Romi is starting to fit the profile of a sociopath. Like for real. She’s checking a lot of the boxes, not just one or two. I pray to God this show really is as scripted as I think it is and she is not actually as god awful as she seems to be but that blog post is not exactly helping.

    Also, her wardrobe is atrocious and makes me wish their really was an actual fashion police to issue her a citation.

      • Agreed, re borderline although her mom mentioned once she was bipolar. I don’t dislike or harbor ill will toward her but I do worry that being on this show isn’t really good for her mental well-being.

  6. This is the first season i’ve ever seen of the real L word (I came for the Hunter Valentine). I don’t understand how anyone could like Romi but from the recap it sounds like maybe at one time she was likable. My sister made a good point when she said that it seems like Romi just clings to whomever comes near that has something she needs.

    I’m kinda bummed that Ali got a good amount of story time but Katie Murphy (Sick Of Sarah) & Tucky Willams (Girl/Girl Scene) got squat. Tucky & Laura were an adorable couple and as I understand Katie & Murphy still are one.

    Also in that “making of” video was that the song, playing in the background, that Romi was recording in the episode? Sounds like Dusty or whoever auto-tuned the crap out of it and Romi was so bad that he relegated her to only a tiny bit of the chorus.

  7. final thoughts

    1. vero&girlfriend scenes, grandma mixter, disapproving kelsey (in relation to the making of ear infection music), and confession time: the kiyoren story line got me through this episode. probably also the fact that i was watching girl/girl scene online

    2. sara looks really cute in little to no make up on her face and fall layers, i think it also helped that she didn’t bring up romi once during this whole disaster. you know what else is cute, amanda’s little motorcycle!

    oh and dusty reminds me of a douchey sonic the hedgehog

  8. I’ve come to believe Charlie Monroe is the best big sister ever. She sacrificed her tiny self so that her parents would know what’s up about the very rare condition Cori has, and so her future siblings would survive. I love that kid for that. Also, she’s a tough little one, fighting to be be born so she could meet her moms, sharing a breath, her only breath, with them. Angel. God bless.

  9. Cori: “I definitely think that Charlie — I know that she’s the reason that I’m pushing. I know she would be so upset if we gave up, and I know that she’s up there picking out the perfect little sibling, I know it.”

    Maybe I just cried. It might have happened.

  10. Can I just point out the unimpressed look on Erika’s face in the entire scene where they are talking about Romi making a song. It’s like she knows Romi is full of shit and doesn’t want to be there.

    Also am I the only one who laughed through the whole scene of Whitney crying at the end just from pure shock that Whitney was actually showing human emotions? Like I wasn’t expecting it, Whitney crying.

    Also. Also. That poly show that comes on after. I watch that show. It is WEIRD and like a train wreck due to that “pod” (the four people couple??) they are just…IDK. They are basically two married couples who have sex with the other couple and the dudes don’t even get it on. I’m just like… Why don’t the dudes get it on if you’re all in love?

    • Cuz a very small part of me wants to see some dude on dude but I think that even Showtime is too afraid to show something so “EXTREME” like two dudes getting it on cuz you know…No straight guy would want to see that so what’s the point???

        • I just watched an episode online. One of the guys in that ‘pod’ is a mega douchebag.
          So, his wife, a member of the pod has a girlfriend that she won’t share with anyone else and he thinks that breaks the rules of polyamory, so it’s more like a non-monogamous relationship. Funny how polyamory only applies when he wants sex with a hot young girl and definitely doesn’t require him crossing swords with the other man in the ‘pod’, hmm.

          • I liked it, especially when they came out to their parents who were so cool about it all (and also since both families involved jewish families)

            before even looking at that link i’m guessing you’re talking about nick carter and his curtains, yes?

            his definition of what polyamory was and how it should play out in their relationship did seem to centre on what his penis wanted… even though his wife’s girlfriend told her she wasn’t really interested in that, and when he asked to kiss her she had to laugh it off… it’s probably difficult to tell someone you’re with who is polyamorous that you don’t think much of their husband.

            In interesting news:
            http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-latin-america-19402508

            check out Brazil!

          • just checked the link and yes it was indeed mr curtains.
            his hair actually made me look up the series to make sure it wasn’t a 10-year-old show on a re-run.

          • omg, these are my exact same feeling about the same guy!!!!!!!! just thinking about that stupid hair makes my head hurt

  11. Romi makes me want to drink like A LOT! She went from fun, mysterious attractive cute weirdo girl to obnoxious self absorbed delusional narcissic A-Hole at the minute she got sober!!
    Cheers to that amazing transformation!
    My guess is that she started to compensate with a lot of illegal substance and is abusing it way too much now.
    If that’s the face of soberness, I wanna be drunk all day long.

    • Romi’s eyes scare me so I wouldn’t doubt that she is using something illegal. If not then she is using people instead to compensate for lack of drinking. She needs something to fill the void.

      I saw on Twitter that she signed a contract with Rose from the first season for a show…I guess another reality show following them around? Lord help us, it IS the apocalypse.

  12. RIESE!
    Let’s have a poly show discussion. That show really does a good ob of showing that yes, reality show is sometimes obviously scripted, but it can really be honest and new and exciting. Though I’m sure that show could get old quick, hence it being aired as a special (maybe all the sex has something to do with it too). But there is so much to talk about on the poly show!

  13. “You’re like, I put rose petals all over the house, and then I put cats all over the bed, I covered the bed in cats and kittens—”

    is the most amazing thing anyone on TRLW has ever said (excepting “i love love so much you”)

    also this seems like a good time to announce how obsessed i am with dustyandromi.tumblr.com. like in the same way i’m obsessed with watching planet earth. they’re like space aliens! how did they happen!

  14. This show is just getting boring. Like.

    At least in the past seasons, the debauchery and sheer ridiculousness of it all (i.e. creamed corn wrestling, anything with Claire, LA Fashion Week) were entertaining in an I-can’t-stop-laughing-at-these-crazy-lesbians kind of way. Like.

    KayCor = saving grace of this train wreck. Like.

    I refuse to comment on anything Romi related because I may just try that running into traffic thing Riese mentioned earlier. Like, for real.

    I’m gonna go Google that poly show now. Or watch PLL… yeah, PLL. Like.

  15. Also: I really liked “Gay in LA” – it wasn’t like a good song but it was hilarious and, I thought, showed that Romi didn’t take herself too seriously and could make fun of herself.

    Obviously after reading her blogpost and confessions about bisexuality/love/music/following her heart/being herself etc I realized she’s actually certifiably insane.

  16. Jesus, I feel so sorry for Kelsey when she says she doesnt see Dusty as a threat! Well, maybe it’s cause the threat is Romi herself? GAAAWD I used to like her in former seasons but now she’s just so annoying! And yeah, Dusty is creepy as hell.
    Wow, Amanda rocks in this all black leather outfit she’s wearing. I need to steal that. Oh, and her motorbike as well.

    PS: Vero, you broke my heart.

  17. Loved the Connecticut stuff. I kindly refer to bitchy CT girls who like to judge NYC girls “Connecticunts”…there are several in the New Haven area. Oh, thanks for the Indigo Girls shout out. No, really. I had that song in my head for the rest of the day and had the urge to call my first girlfriend.

  18. I think that “I wanna gouge my eyes out with a fork” might be another screencap for the ages, y’all. it and “this is crazy” could work pretty well as recaps on their own, though you’d have to write in a couple jokes at the end to make up for the ones we’d be missing from the long-form version.

  19. TRUTH: “Oh wait, whoops, wrong late-night Showtime drama about unconventional relationships that claims to be real and progressive and features a bunch of white people with significant sex drives and too many feelings!”

    I had half a beer left when the episode ended so yes, I did watch the poly show.

  20. Amanda: “You’re like, I put rose petals all over the house, and then I put cats all over the bed, I covered the bed in cats and kittens—”

    Amanda pulls no punches and she has some of my fave lines

  21. It’s frightening this show. Romi has become a stepford wife. Amanda is totally evil. Kiyomi and lauren obviously have a connection, right people wrong timing maybe, and who is she to give any advice.

    These bitches need to stop sniffing coke and and get some help!!!

    At one point when sara and and whitney are talking at the cafe, i swear the camera angle showed whitneys nose getting bigger like pinochio. Stop the bullshit please Ilene and show us something interesting !!!

  22. I don’t know what has happened to Romi, but shes just not the same person as she was in the last two seasons.

    Shes just too self centered and absorbed and comes off as really fake. I dislike her more and more as the season progresses.

    I think she really needs help because i def see some personality disorder going on. Hopefully im wrong and its just showtime that portrays her like that, but i dont think so.

    And I don’t want to seem rude or mean but I really do not understand what Lauren sees in Kyomi, I really don’t. I just dont find Kyomi attractive at all. Lauren could totally do soo much better and get a girl who’s hot like her or even hotter.

  23. Wow, amazing blog layout! How long have you ever been blogging for? you made blogging glance easy. The whole glance of your website is wonderful, let alone the content!

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