Real L Word 307 Recap: Dream Come True, Nightmare Come Soon

Hello and welcome to the seventh recap of the third season of The Real L Word, an hour-long teen drama centered on a tight-knit group of surprisingly artictulate friends growing up in the quaint seaside town of Capeside who carry on passionate teenaged affairs with one another, create terrible self-referential films, escape housefires and deal with Adult Issues like estranged parents, dead parents, divorced parents, re-married parents, sex, teacher-student affairs, mental illness, slut-shaming and homosexuality.

L to R: dusty, amanda, kiyomi, cori

I got the screencaps last night and have been immersed in this delightful program all day! My dearest love, Intern Grace, did not have time to create her clever image titles past the first few scenes, unfortunately, and this recap is kinda late, but it’s here now and that’s all that matters. We’re all here now.

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We open in sunny Los Angeles, California, where Whitney and Sarahara are attempting to leave on a jet plane for Connecticut, where Whitney’s family lives, but their bag is overweight! Riveting stuff.

and uh, we don’t need an on-board meal because we already ate this morning if you know what i mean wink wink

After removing their medium-sized strap-on, their large strap-on, Sarahara’s Ashton-Drake realistic baby doll, the nightstick Whitney uses for cop/robbers role play, the bust of Ilene Chaiken she insists they bring with them everywhere they go, six identical copies of Infinite Jest, Sarahara’s five-gallon Caboodles and a small household cat, they’re good to go! dotted-divider2

We cut to Lamanda’s Love Shack, where the Beautiful Party Princess Amazonian Lovergirl Lauren Bedford Russell wakes up to greet the morning but finds herself alone, yearning for Kiyomi’s soft futch touch and the gentle snap of her suspenders as they graze her skin and fall delicately to the floor, where someone recently spilled a beer. What am I even talking about anymore.

wishing those sexts came with more pics

Lauren sulks into the kitchen, adorned in her lady-love’s varsity jacket:

nothing but your t-shirt on

Lauren interviews that she’s still thinking about Kiyomi, in case you missed that whole thing from five seconds ago, and Amanda points out that Lauren’s been really wacky lately:

it looks good curly though, i mean, i’m just saying, i’ve just only seen it straight

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We take a midnight train back to New York City, where Kiyomi is meeting up with Vero The Coolest Cucumber for cornbread, daisies, fight club, ping-pong, arsenic, hemp tattoos, babies and a heart-to-heart.

vero has been practicing her “pretending to listen to kiyomi” face

Obviously Lauren is on Kiyomi’s mind as well:

Kiyomi: “I feel like everything is happening really fast and I’m trying to, you know, take things slow, you know. We’re both really busy people in our careers, just gonna try and see each other when we can and see how it goes.”

Kiyomi interviews that part of her hesitation is because she’s just gotten out of this relationship with Ali, because now that she’s out of it, she can call it a relationship without hyperventilating. Vero is like, dude, she is way into you though:

Vero: “At Dinah Shore she told me something, she said something along the lines of I can see myself just being with her.”
Kiyomi: “She must have been loaded! No, I’m just kidding.”
Vero: “It sounds like she she really digs you.”

Regardless, Kiyomi is k-k-kinda busy:

honestly with these cameras around it’s been super hard for a girl to get her masturbation on

We then cut back to Lamanda in Los Angeles, still sitting in The Room With The Table In It, still talking about Kiyomi. Lauren points out that perhaps the distance will enable a more mature relationship as they’re unable to hang out all day every day until they lose all their friends and develop a false sense of intimacy and understanding that cannot possibly exist until you’ve known someone for a really long time. But also, she’s never done long distance, and also it’s not a relationship yet but also —

Lauren: “It’s like crazy to talk about it right now, you know?”
Amanda: “Yet you’re like talking about it constantly to the point where I wanna like gouge my eyes out with a fork.”

don’t we all

And SCENE.

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Somewhere else on a planet far far away but probably in the Los Angeles Metro Area, it’s Kacy’s Mom’s turn on the Meet The Parents Tour. Kacy interviews that since retiring, her Mom’s become super-awesome: she drives long distances, enjoys golf and is a Great Source of Love and Comfort.

kacy dear, i’ve been watching season two of that show you’re on, and i have some questions for you about claire and vivian’s relationship if you have a minute after we’re done talking about this baby stuff

Mom asks how Cori is holding up and Kacy admits that “sometimes I think she’s doing better than I am.”

Kacy: “I think everybody expects to be really gentle with her, and they think I’m fine.”
Mrs.Kacy: “Well, that’s so crappy.”
Kacy: “It is pretty crappy.”
Mrs.Kacy: “You have to tell people, I’m hurting too.”

This show’s done a great job of showing that Kacy is hurting too, but it’s unsurprising that perhaps her friends haven’t noticed it themselves. Often butch or masculine lesbians are handled like men are handled when it comes to emotional situations — expected to be The Protector somehow immune to The Feelings, and probably moreso in this case because it was Cori who carried the baby. But pro tip: butches cry too.

Mrs. Kacy tells Kacy that she had a hard time getting preggers too — ten years, four miscarriages — but she never had to carry the baby to term, like Cori did. Mrs. Kacy says what we’re always thinking every episode every single week, which’s that it’s mega-inspirational to watch how losing Charlie brought KayCor closer together rather than driving them further apart. Kacy says that they’re ready to try again.

It’s true, there’s so much more now. Because when her first sibling is born, Charlie won’t be their last child anymore. She’ll be their first.

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Starsweep cross-country to cloudy Connecticut, where Whitney and Sarahara have traveled to participate in the next stop on The Real L Word’s Meet the Parents Coming Out World Tour — this time Grandma’s in the hot seat. She’s 92 years old and also awesome.

whitney and grandmother prior to their gang initiation ceremony

Whitney gathers ’round the table with Grandma, Sarahara, Mom, a bottle of wine and captivating conversation:

and i first saw the trees! The Truffula Trees! The bright-colored tufts of the Truffula Trees! Mile after mile in the fresh morning breeze

Whitney interviews that as a kid, when her family split up and money was low, Whitney and her Mom moved in with Grandma so Grandma is really important, just like Sookie Stackhouse’s Gran and Jen Lindley’s Grams.

Whitney’s never directly addressed The Gay Thing with Grandmother and now she’ll be delivering the double-whammy of Gay and Engaged. Whitney’s nervous and taking it slow:

that’s what she said

How will Grandmother react?

Will she react like this?

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I hope it’s not like this:

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Or like this:

Hopefully it won’t be anything like this, either:

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Ideally, it will go something like this:

Whitney’s gonna break the big news during dinner, for which she’s invited her childhood pal Tiffany who accidentally steals the scene when she announces during dinner that she and her boyfriend Luigi are getting married.

he’s leaving the super mario brothers for this, so it’s pretty serious.

She’s basically marrying the second-most-popular video game character of all time! Sarahara cannot compete with this holy union!

wedding invitation mockup

Despite all the love in the air, Whitney fails to announce her engagement:

Whitney:  “Basically everything is like engagement engaged discuss and I for some reason am not going there at all, I was avoiding it like the plague.”

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Cut to somewhere else in the universe, probably Venus or Pluto or The Inferno, where Romi’s meeting up with some alternatively coiffed ladies named Mercado and Erika to discuss her latest adventure in self-referential commerce: Romi’s gonna become a pop star and would like “her own song.”

i mean imagine how cute my face would look on this mug

These chicks are gonna make her music video for this song she hasn’t recorded or heard yet.

At this moment in the recap I would like to introduce a new device, which’s “copy/pasting g-chats I had with (Autostraddle Executive Editor) Laneia during the show.”

Laneia: she looks like a twelve-year-old’s take on what a hip hop starlet would wear
Riese: fur coat
baseball cap
oh she’s practically nicki minaj

what the fuck does this chick think she’s doing with that haircut and that fur

Romi’s had just about enough of established musicians like Rihanna and Madonna stealing the stage at her club appearances. Why’s she wasting her time introducing other people’s music when she could be introducing her very own song?

Romi: “I do a lot of club appearances, and I think it would be nice to have something that was mine, now I’m trying to have fun with another creative side of me.”

and while we’re at it, i’ve also always wanted a pony, too

Romi interviews that her Mom’s ex-girlfriend was a songwriter/producer and used to write songs in the car, which’s basically like Romi growing up on Bob Dylan’s lap. My Mom’s ex-girlfriend was a high school track coach and you don’t see me doing sprints in the backyard, but whatever. Romi also claims to have experienced the completely unique and totally remarkable sensation of wishing she was the one on stage while watching other humans perform musically.

no i just wanna do the like, lip syncy thingie that britney does, can you make that happen

Romi: “My thing to every work opportunity right now is YES.”

It’s also her answer to every ex-boyfriend, coincidentally — Romi plans on laying down her slick beats with none other than the world-famous Dusty Ray of my favorite tumblr, dustyandromi dot tumblr dot com!

Once upon a time, Romi was just the rock star’s girlfriend, drooling in the front row with her Miracle Bra and chunky rings and whiskey flask but we’ve all grown/changed so much since then, haven’t we?

in my face

Erika and Mercado are concerned regarding Romi’s mike-holding skills. I’m sure Jay could testify that she’ll do just fine with it.

this is not how you hold a microphone

Romi interviews that she dated Dusty Ray six years ago.

Riese: 6 years ago?
um, i thought that she hadn’t dated men in 8 years
Laneia: she is such a raging twat
Riese: seriously do the people who make this show think we’re total idiots?
i’m not being hyperbolic this is a a real question
she said it’d been eight years since she dated a guy like two episodes ago
Laneia: puppppyyyy

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Somewhere else at some other crucial and influencial moment in history, Amanda walks into the Room With The Table In It and announces she’s flying to New York City in two hours and needs a ride to the airport.

hey so super shuttle is hella booked, you got a minute

Amanda’s bought a one-way, which isn’t actually entirely notable ’cause sometimes you just don’t know what day you’re flying back yet and round-trips aren’t cheaper than one ways like they used to be when I was a toddler eating my own thumbs and rubbing paste on the wall, but I think we’re supposed to think this is a big deal and Amanda will never return to Los Angeles, or something.

Amanda: “Can you please not question me and just drive me to the airport?”

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Smear to Cozy Connecticut, where Whitney, Sarahara and Grandmother are still warming their asses around the kitchen table. Now that Tiffany The Scene-Stealer is out of the picture, it’s Whitney’s time to shine. Prior to departing, Tiffany gave Whitney this blessing:

Tiffany: “Don’t be scared, be brave, lionheart.”

So Whitney goes for it:

i thought the whole idea here was that she didn’t know Whitney was getting married To Sara, but whatever

Grandmother’s response is, more or less, “NBD.”

aka “no shit, sherlock”

Sarahara shows Grandmother her ring and then Grandmother shows Sarahara her wedding ring and you know, rings rings rings fingers slipping into things. All’s well.

and i bought you that ring ’cause i never was cool

Whitney: “This whole time I’m sitting there creating this response or this fear in myself of what Grandma is gonna say and what she’s gonna think about our engagement, and when it finally came up there was nothing weird. I feel silly for creating it into something that it isn’t.”

Never underestimate Grandmother, I’m telling you.

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Back at The House of Sad and Slowly Clearing Fog, Cori and Kacy are prepping physically and emotionally for their appointment at Seattle Grace for another insemination.

Kacy: “It’s the craziest combination between happy and sad ever.”

Kacy & Cori keep Charlie’s ashes in a tiny heart-shaped box, and they decide to bring the box with them to the doctor.

Cori: “I definitely think that Charlie — I know that she’s the reason that I’m pushing. I know she would be so upset if we gave up, and I know that she’s up there picking out the perfect little sibling, I know it.”

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Cut back to Connecticut, where Whitney and Sarahara are visiting a cafè to pretend like they’d been living in isolation cells ever since Telling Grandma and have gathered here to discuss it like it’s brand-new news.

oh good now that i’ve gotten that worm out of my ear we can get down to business

Whitney notes that due to the seductive legality of gay marriage in Connecticut, perhaps it’d benefit them to get legally hitched while they’re in town and then have the Big Wedding in California with Everybody in June.

Whitney interviews:

Whitney: “Honestly, a legal ceremony, it’s important in the sense that I want the same rights as a heterosexual couple would have, for sure, and it’s not like gay couples can just wake up one morning and say, “Hey, let’s go to Vegas and get married!” In a spiritual sense, it doesn’t matter, the legality of things, I would go through the ceremony if it wasn’t legal, but in a human rights sense, absolutely the legality part matters.”

But seriously, who the fuck needs Vegas anyhow when you’ve got Connecticut’s own Mohegan Sun?

“A world at play and a world to its own, Mohegan Sun, created in 1996 by the Mohegan Tribe of Connecticut, is one of the world’s most amazing destinations with some of New England’s finest dining, hotel accommodations, retail shopping, live entertainment and sporting events. Boasting three world-class casinos, Mohegan Sun is also host to the Kids Quest/Cyber Quest family entertainment facility, a luxurious day spa, convention center and meeting facility, a state-of-the-art Poker Room as well as three major entertainment venues with seating from 300 to 10,000. People from across the globe come to see live concerts with some of today’s top headliners, along with major sporting events including Mohegan Sun’s very own WNBA team, the Connecticut Sun.”

Amirite?

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We now travel to what I believe is the deepest, darkest, swampiest murky bits of hell to meet up with Dusty Ray, The Passionate Artist Musician Sensitive Soul Genius.

taken only moments before both vamps met the true death

Romi, wrapped in a delightful  headscarf, wearing a t-shirt with her own face on it and carting two gigantic hoola hoops on her ears, implores Dusty Ray to help her not make a fool of herself. Dusty Ray’s not worried about that:

interesting logic at work here

Laneia: “i don’t wanna look like a fool”
too late
me: i already hate him
i hate him more than romi

Romi interviews that Dusty ALMOST got signed when he was 18, just like I almost got into Columbia, almost got hit by a car, almost got my book published and almost didn’t binge drink throughout this episode. Furthermore, he’s opened “for a lot of big artists” and been on Warped Tour!

Laneia: megan whispered “warped tour” and rolled her eyes
this is my feeling
the whispering of warped tour
god he looks like such a douchebag riese
me: oh my g-d
Laneia: i will die of douchebag
me: this is worse than warped tour
no wait warped tour was worse than this
it was just beer and heat
Laneia: he looks like he’s dressing like he thinks a a rock star would dress in a movie
a movie about a rockstar
me: “how is it that she is both simultaneously sharp and flat” – marni

whoo hoo witchy woman, see how high she flies

Following her first go at it, Dusty inquires:

Dusty: “Are you gonna have anyone sing with you?”
Romi: “Nope.”
Dusty: “I mean you should.”
Romi: “But I’m not.”
Dusty: “You’re not though?”
Romi: “You can.”
Dusty: “Let’s do it.”
Romi: “Will you do it with me?”
Dusty: “Of course I will!”
Romi: “Really?”
Dusty:“Yeah.”

I think we all know where this is going. Romi interviews:

Romi: “I felt so much safer having him do it with me and I could feel it when I was singing with him and like, looking at him, that I could pretty much zone out what was going on as long as he was with me… I think he felt the same thing. I’ve wanted to do this like my whole life, and why not try it with somebody who has so much experience and can really work with me and believes in me.”

Dusty interviews:

Dusty: “Romi’s so natural at everything. You’ve just gotta get the artist in tune with themselves and once they do that, they can do anything. It’s about having fun on the mike… she’s just so good at being her, that it’s just interesting to hear.”

i’m so glad somebody thinks so

Laneia: the key here is that he believes in her
she is really good at being her, that’s true
me: they’re perfect for each other
that’s true

Romi’s invited Kelsey to drop by the studio to assess her competition:

Kelsey: “At first I was a little weary about Romi making music with her ex-boyfriend but I met him and you know, Dusty has a girlfriend so he doesn’t seem like a threat at all, I actually thought he was on my team and gay, but apparently he’s not gay.”

Laneia and I typed “!!!!” at the same time when Kelsey said that, sidenote.

what is this fresh hell

Kelsey notes that Dusty is a “cuter version of Jay.” He’s sort of a pocket Jay. Like a pocket Gay. That’s the most clever idea I’ve had all recap.

earlier that day kelsey had cited a garbage can and a bottle of boric acid as “cuter than Jay”

Anyhow, Queer Pomp + Mercado arrive to snatch footage for the upcoming music video.

judging by her lack of a lower third, i can only assume that the girl in the hat works here

Kelsey: “Romi’s an entertainer and she loves to entertain and her making pop music is what she wants to do, she should definitely do it. But is it good? I don’t know. Listen to it and tell me what you think.”

Oh, I thought you’d never ask! Readers, take a gander:

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Back in New York City, Amanda’s hot-rigged a motorcycle and is zooming around the city like she owns the place.

and the engine in her driveway cutting off

Amanda: “I’ve never had like alone time or down time in any way with Kiyomi, so while i’m in New York I wanna figure out what her intentions are and what the hell is going on. I have every intention to call her out and talk to her.”

So Kiyomi invites Amanda to a dinner party Laura’s throwing.

durrrrrrr

Kiyomi is really putting on the ritz for Amanda:

Kiyomi: “The only thing that I can do is be myself and be authentic. if she likes me then she likes me and if she doesn’t then she doesn’t and there’s nothing that I can do about that.”

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Cut to The Hospital, where Cori and Kacy are preparing for their new journey into The Miracle of Life.

hey this isn’t sperm, these are mexican jumping beans

Much like marijuana, the sperm vials are labeled with obscure symbols indicating particular strains and Kacy recognizes the one they’ve got:

Kacy: “It’s the same batch [that made Charlie].”
Cori: “Oh my gosh, that’s crazy.”

but until then it’s all kraft dinner, all the time

Kacy kisses the sperm vial for good luck.

Cori: “Did you ever think your mouth would be so close to some sperm?”
Kacy: “Really? Really? That’s what we’re doing with this? No, but if this is what I gotta do to make a baby, then yes.”

Really, they’re on a roll with the humor this scene:

Cori: “I hope my cervix isn’t being an asshole today. Ugh, why does this have to be so uncomfortable.”
Kacy: “It could be worse, you could have dude on top of you.”

Kacy kisses her and tells her it’s gonna be okay and they are so cute and I’m pretty sure Laneia cried a lot during this scene.

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We zoom back over to the East Coast, where Whitney and Sarahara are visiting Uncle Mike to tell him they’re getting married. Let’s just do this forever! Whitney and Sara tell the mailman about their wedding! Whitney and Sara show the ring to their roommates from college! It could be a spinoff called “Whitney and Sara Tell People About Their Wedding!” and I wouldn’t have to recap it because it’d be a spinoff, duh, and I’m only recapping this show, not the inevitable spin-offs. I’d also like to pitch All Romi, All The Time as a potential breakout hit.

YAWN BRING BACK THE CREAMED CORN.

let’s show everybody the ring for the ten billionth time because rings are really important

So basically, Whitney’s Dad isn’t coming to the wedding because he doesn’t wanna be on camera. I can’t believe that her father is both alive and supportive but she’d rather have it filmed than have him there, but my rant on this topic wasn’t well-received by my viewing companion so I’m probably totally wrong and should be mad at Mr. Whitney.

Whitney: “My Dad is not coming to the wedding because he feels uncomfortable being on camera, and I’d like him to be there for such a huge event in my life you know, that matters to me, it’s my one wedding, and so yeah it pisses me off that my Dad can’t put whatever shit he’s got going on in the back burner and make it there. ‘Cause the reality is he is supportive of me being married but he just can’t get over himself…”

Mom shows up and Whitney tells her that they’ve extended their vaycay, which means they’ve gotta go to TJ’s asap and get more Chicken Tacos, and also they “might” get technically married in Connecticut and “might actually go down and get like an actual license here.”

but have you tried the potato pancakes

Whitney: “My mom’s reaction to hearing that we’re getting legally married is comparable to me telling my mom that we’re neared, she kinda has this pause and like—”
Sara: “A blank stare.”
Whitney: “She just needs process time, it varies between 10 and 25 seconds.”

Mom says of course she’ll be there tomorrow for their impromptu ceremony, which’s excellent ’cause I think it’s happening in her backyard. LITERALLY.
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We zip northwards to Brooklyn, where Laura is femmed out and full of love and food, throwing a dinner party for her friends ’cause her Mom is in town and Mom nixed the “go to Cubbyhole” plan and they love to cook. They just LOVE to cook! And eat! And cook and eat and drink with friends!

i think it’s time for us to have a toast

Look at all these friends, all dressed in black like the busboys at The Olive Garden!

let’s have a toast for the douchebags, let’s have a toast for the assholes, let’s have a toast for dusty ray

Somer’s unavailable so Donna has arrived in her stead.

Also present?

the good ones are always taken

Amanda has to step out for her scheduled call with Lauren while everybody else witnesses the final plating and delivery of the evening meal. Lauren’s jealous of Amanda’s geographical situation and they miss each other so Lauren decides to hop a plane. Will Kiyomi pee/come in her pants in excitement, or will she yell “you can’t just hop a a plane and come and visit me again?” Let’s find out!

i know it looks like i’m about to eat ten dead babies, but this really is my happy face, i swear

Amanda: “I was just on the phone with Lauren. She’s gonna come out. Do you think that’s scary?”
Kiyomi: “[makes weird noises, laughs] I’m surprised, i mean, I’m not — that’s awesome, that’s great! That’s good!”
Amanda: “You seem a little nervous, not gonna lie. Where are these reservations coming from?”
Kiyomi: “No, not reservations, I’m just surprised –”
Amanda: “Why? Explain.”
Kiyomi: “Can we talk about this not in front of everybody?”
Amanda: “Yeah.”
Kiyomi: “Thank you.”
Amanda: “I sense a lesbian freakout!”

But really Vero and her girlfriend steal the scene:

check out vero in the background

Amanda’s underwhelmed by Kiyomi’s reaction and shuffles her into another room for her interrogation, during which she points out that Kiyomi & Lauren have never been on a date before and so Kiyomi better start thinking of ideas. I suggest Chuckie Cheese’s. Just throwing it out there.

Amanda: “You’re like, I put rose petals all over the house, and then I put cats all over the bed, I covered the bed in cats and kittens—”
Kiyomi: “I actually maybe have put rose petals — not rose petals — not too long ago —”
Amanda: “Keep that to yourself forever.”

Amen.

so what’s the deal, is lauren more of a sunflower girl than a roses girl

Kiyomi interviews that she’s got a SUPERCRUSH on Lauren, which’s like Superfreak, but for lesbians, and that she’s nervous about Lauren coming out ’cause of some abstract emotional reason involving question marks that I don’t really give a fuck about.

Amanda: “I know that inside you’re like a little 13 year old girl and you’re like ‘yes i’m so excited’ and you’re gonna go home and change your outfit 14 times before you go meet her.”
Kiyomi: “That might be true.”

Bye Mrs. Laura, we’ll see you again when/if Laura has some potentially upsetting but ultimately heartwarming news to share!

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We smear on back to Connecticut, Whitney’s home and native land. I went to Connecticut earlier this year, I believe, to talk to the Yale Children about Sex & Writing. It was way awesomer than this teevee show. Anyhow, I found “Connecticut” quite challenging to spell when I was learning to spell, didn’t you? So in my head it’s still “Connect – I – cut.” Like it connects with a cut. Anyhow, speaking of cunts, Sarahara has one and is gonna call her Mom.

oh cell phone, you will always be my one true love

She’s gotta tell Mom that the wedding’s still in June but they’re gonna handle some paperwork today in Connect-i-cut. Surprise! Mom says “let me have a seat,” and there are some awkward pauses and then Mom lays the smack down:

Mrs.Sara: “Sara, let me tell you this. How can you just think of you? You’re not thinking of us! In such short time. I’m too old for so much news at the same time. It’s too much!”

Mom says this situation seems “like a Russian salad” which Sara explains means “it has a lot of confusing components.” Mom asks to speak to Whitney.

ok we promise not to do it at mohegan sun

Whitney asks Mrs.Sara what she thinks about The Connecticut Plan:

Mrs. Sara: “Well everything is so fast for me. I’m old . I’m not work that fast. But I just wanna tell you we with you guys 120, for sure… I want you to know you take Sara, she’s the most important thing we have. her and my other daughter. Please be happy.”

besides the iphone, obvs

Whitney promises to take care of Sara and I got a little teary.

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Cut to another Insufferable Minute in Los Angeles, California, where Romi $linger is launching her career at a coffee shop with her ex-boyfriend and that fur coat.

it’s not easy to look this good and be this famous and be the most famous celesbian ever

Dusty Ray opens his mouth and words come out of it:

Dusty Ray: “I’m gonna make the best track that I can for you. and then we’re gonna put your voice on it and that’s what pop needs, and that’s what music needs and that’s what you need, is just to be real.”

In response, Romi says: “sometimes I just stare at you.”

if only we had an entire tumblr that was just pictures of you or the both of us that i could stare at all the time

Dusty: “Really, why?”
Romi: “I don’t know. I stare at you sometimes… it’s a weird like… hmmmmm — “

it appears dusty ray also attended the parties at noel kahn’s robot murder house

Romi interviews about how much she loves Dusty Ray and feels this deep connection with him:

Romi: “It’s kinda weird, like it trips me out sometimes, like sometimes I look at him and he looks at me and I’m like did you happen in a dream? Did you happen in my past?”

 

I bet you’re wondering how these two lovebirds met!

vintage dustyandromi.tumblr.com

Well, here’s the story:

Romi: “My friend introduced me to Dusty in San Jose and we started dating that day. Literally shook hands, fell in love, we were on the balcony that night already making out and then we dated for four months of just being together every single day, we would just drink wine and talk about music and listen to music, it was amazing, like I was in love with him. Dusty left me, so it wasn’t my call. That was one of the only people who really broke my heart and then six years later I get a call that he lives in LA and is working on music.”

There’s some mumbo jumbo between them about their energy being cut short the last time they orbited each other’s moons and now it’s “immediate” reconnection which Dusty Ray notes is “just like plugging it back in.” So to speak.

Laneia: oh
oh
oh
WAIT
Riese: her favorite thing is people who remind her of her
Laneia: FOUR MONTHS
i;dgfaegio;egijregijoraejow
Riese: she was in love with him
Laneia: it was wine and talking about music
riese
it was so pure
it was like
immediate
like
Riese: music and love and life
Laneia: like
Riese: free love
Laneia: like
like
Riese: free city
like
it was so LIKE
like amazing
Laneia: i know
i know
like
Riese: they just LOOK at each other
Laneia: i know
Riese: right
i know
i know you know
Laneia: lol like i know
egroieiot4;ijlr3

Romi says Dusty Ray makes her feel sixteen again!

Riese: thinking i liked boys reminds me of being 16 too
Laneia: being 16 again would make me want to die

that’s what she said

So I guess the internet gave Romi shit for what’s coming next in this storyline, which I assume is Romi leaving Kelsey for Dusty and, I guess, cheating on Kelsey? I assume this based on this blog post she wrote in response to apparent hate she’s getting about cheating on a woman with a man? (Sidenote: she cheated on a man with a woman like three episodes ago, so). The jist of the blog post is, “you all think it’s okay when girls cheat on girls with girls, but suddenly because it’s a boy, it’s not okay,” which’s a stupid thing to say because nobody here thinks it’s okay for girls to cheat on girls with other girls! That’s crazy! I mean, yes, there is a double standard in the lesbian community where bisexuals dating boys is concerned, and there are so many examples of that out there in the world but honey — this is not an example of that.

click to enlarge

She ends the post by saying you can’t get mad at people for following their hearts, and then I ran into traffic and died.

Ultimately, it’s her life, we’ve all made terrible mistakes, I have too, I can’t judge her. But I can’t imagine ever in a million years writing a blog post imploring everybody to stop “putting me down” for cheating because I was only “following my heart and being totally honest.” No! When you’ve done something wrong, you deserve to be down, and when it was me, I knew I deserved to be down.

I’ve always liked Romi’s character but this season I really, really don’t. I don’t care about her sexual orientation and as aforementioned, am in no position to judge how she handles her relationships, but I just don’t like her character. That’s part of being on teevee — people will see your character and some will like it and some won’t!  So the only problem I see here is the unnecessary apostrophe used to pluralize “members.” Plural nouns don’t need apostrophes! #JustSaying.

dotted-divider2

It’s time for the unconventional wedding in the backyard in Connecticut, Whitney’s home and native land!

i’m so glad we were able to convert your childhood blankie into this meaningful shawl

Whitney: “I’m dressed like an Amish man.”

Sarahara, on the other hand, is wearing a red dress, like that song “Lady in Red” and also like that song “Devil With a Red Dress On.”

Oh wait, whoops, wrong late-night Showtime drama about unconventional relationships that claims to be real and progressive and features a bunch of white people with significant sex drives and too many feelings!

and this is why you should always pack a wedding-suitable dress everywhere you go

Sarahara says it’s freezing, but luckily they’ve got their love to keep them warm, the Justice of the Peace, and at least one chair suitable for the outdoors. So it’s very sweet and everybody has the loveliest time!

clearly they did it once with the shawl and once without

Grandmother interviews:

Grandmother: “Oh, I’m happy to see them get married. It’s something I’ve got to get used to, too, but it’s still fine no matter how you look at it, I think they’re adorable together.”

it doesn’t hold a candle to Lucy and Desi’s wedding on November 30th, 1940, but it was still ok

Whitney: “I don’t think I ever thought my grandma would be at the wedding. I love the fact that my Grandma’s at my wedding that happened to be a same-sex marriage, I don’t think I ever would have thought of that, I’m so grateful.

mom and grandma even let us borrow the car for a joyride to the dairy queen!

Whitney’s really emotional and teary and I think I got kinda teary, too. Not Laneia though. Also then the show ends and they show us scenes from next week, which is like being shown a video of a root canal before getting the root canal.

Laneia: well obvs we all agree that kelsey, korycasiekoorkdkckasie and grandma are the best things
i wish i knew how the insemination and the stress and the bills and the life affected korcaci
bc that is so real riese
girls getting drunk — even if they’re lesbians! — isn’t real. that is inherently fake and pointless
girls fighting and being beneath themselves and flying to other cities. i don’t care about that who would ever care about that
i wish they would show me something that i haven’t seen — an actual committed lesbian relationship, with problems and happiness and cats
Riese: i don’t think reality television can show that
Laneia: riese i refuse to believe that
Riese: we don’t trust it enough.
documentaries can
or scripted tv
but reality tv is inherently exploitative
it feels fake by definition
documentaries want to be honest
fiction wants to be honest
reality tv wants to be dishonest while pretending to be honest
that’s the genre
Laneia: i hate it

[12 minutes later]

Riese: do u watch the poly show

Pages: 1 2 3See entire article on one page

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Riese is the 39-year-old Co-Founder and CEO of Autostraddle.com as well as an award-winning writer, blogger, fictionist, copywriter, video-maker and aspiring cyber-performance artist who grew up in Michigan, lost her mind in New York and then headed West. Her work has appeared in nine books including "The Bigger the Better The Tighter The Sweater: 21 Funny Women on Beauty, Body Image & Other Hazards Of Being Female," magazines including Marie Claire and Curve, and all over the web including Nylon, Queerty, Nerve, Bitch, Emily Books and Jezebel. She had a very popular personal blog once upon a time, and then she recapped The L Word, and then she had the idea to make this place, and now here we all are! In 2016, she was nominated for a GLAAD Award for Outstanding Digital Journalism. Follow her on twitter and instagram.

Riese has written 2883 articles for us.

139 Comments

  1. “IF ONLY WE HAD AN ENTIRE TUMBLR THAT WAS JUST PICTURES OF YOU OR THE BOTH OF US THAT I COULD STARE AT ALL THE TIME”

    I fucking love you.

    Also “Keep that to yourself forever.”

    These are my highlights, I think.

  2. I haven’t watched this episode yet… but thank you. thank you thank you thank you, for telling me exactly when i need to fast forward through certain people (i.e. Kiyomi/Lamanda & Rusty [yup i nicknamed them]) The hour-long episodes suddenly become about 30 minutes when you get through the junk.

  3. I sit through this season purely for the brief and beautiful glimpses of Vero. Even if ALMOST EVERY TIME WE SEE HOTTY McSENSUAL VOICE VERO she is sat with her cool face on while Kiyomi Irritating McMoans-a-lot Moans a Lot about all the sex she’s having and how complicated her emotions surrounding that are. Seriously, how do they pick which stories to focus on??

  4. Romi having her own song will be a nice addition to her Sunday evenings in between filming of rewatching her own parts of the show and wearing exclusively clothes that have her face on them. Now she has background music!

  5. With each passing episode, Romi is starting to fit the profile of a sociopath. Like for real. She’s checking a lot of the boxes, not just one or two. I pray to God this show really is as scripted as I think it is and she is not actually as god awful as she seems to be but that blog post is not exactly helping.

    Also, her wardrobe is atrocious and makes me wish their really was an actual fashion police to issue her a citation.

      • Agreed, re borderline although her mom mentioned once she was bipolar. I don’t dislike or harbor ill will toward her but I do worry that being on this show isn’t really good for her mental well-being.

  6. This is the first season i’ve ever seen of the real L word (I came for the Hunter Valentine). I don’t understand how anyone could like Romi but from the recap it sounds like maybe at one time she was likable. My sister made a good point when she said that it seems like Romi just clings to whomever comes near that has something she needs.

    I’m kinda bummed that Ali got a good amount of story time but Katie Murphy (Sick Of Sarah) & Tucky Willams (Girl/Girl Scene) got squat. Tucky & Laura were an adorable couple and as I understand Katie & Murphy still are one.

    Also in that “making of” video was that the song, playing in the background, that Romi was recording in the episode? Sounds like Dusty or whoever auto-tuned the crap out of it and Romi was so bad that he relegated her to only a tiny bit of the chorus.

  7. final thoughts

    1. vero&girlfriend scenes, grandma mixter, disapproving kelsey (in relation to the making of ear infection music), and confession time: the kiyoren story line got me through this episode. probably also the fact that i was watching girl/girl scene online

    2. sara looks really cute in little to no make up on her face and fall layers, i think it also helped that she didn’t bring up romi once during this whole disaster. you know what else is cute, amanda’s little motorcycle!

    oh and dusty reminds me of a douchey sonic the hedgehog

  8. I’ve come to believe Charlie Monroe is the best big sister ever. She sacrificed her tiny self so that her parents would know what’s up about the very rare condition Cori has, and so her future siblings would survive. I love that kid for that. Also, she’s a tough little one, fighting to be be born so she could meet her moms, sharing a breath, her only breath, with them. Angel. God bless.

  9. Cori: “I definitely think that Charlie — I know that she’s the reason that I’m pushing. I know she would be so upset if we gave up, and I know that she’s up there picking out the perfect little sibling, I know it.”

    Maybe I just cried. It might have happened.

  10. Can I just point out the unimpressed look on Erika’s face in the entire scene where they are talking about Romi making a song. It’s like she knows Romi is full of shit and doesn’t want to be there.

    Also am I the only one who laughed through the whole scene of Whitney crying at the end just from pure shock that Whitney was actually showing human emotions? Like I wasn’t expecting it, Whitney crying.

    Also. Also. That poly show that comes on after. I watch that show. It is WEIRD and like a train wreck due to that “pod” (the four people couple??) they are just…IDK. They are basically two married couples who have sex with the other couple and the dudes don’t even get it on. I’m just like… Why don’t the dudes get it on if you’re all in love?

    • Cuz a very small part of me wants to see some dude on dude but I think that even Showtime is too afraid to show something so “EXTREME” like two dudes getting it on cuz you know…No straight guy would want to see that so what’s the point???

        • I just watched an episode online. One of the guys in that ‘pod’ is a mega douchebag.
          So, his wife, a member of the pod has a girlfriend that she won’t share with anyone else and he thinks that breaks the rules of polyamory, so it’s more like a non-monogamous relationship. Funny how polyamory only applies when he wants sex with a hot young girl and definitely doesn’t require him crossing swords with the other man in the ‘pod’, hmm.

          • I liked it, especially when they came out to their parents who were so cool about it all (and also since both families involved jewish families)

            before even looking at that link i’m guessing you’re talking about nick carter and his curtains, yes?

            his definition of what polyamory was and how it should play out in their relationship did seem to centre on what his penis wanted… even though his wife’s girlfriend told her she wasn’t really interested in that, and when he asked to kiss her she had to laugh it off… it’s probably difficult to tell someone you’re with who is polyamorous that you don’t think much of their husband.

            In interesting news:
            http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-latin-america-19402508

            check out Brazil!

          • just checked the link and yes it was indeed mr curtains.
            his hair actually made me look up the series to make sure it wasn’t a 10-year-old show on a re-run.

          • omg, these are my exact same feeling about the same guy!!!!!!!! just thinking about that stupid hair makes my head hurt

  11. Romi makes me want to drink like A LOT! She went from fun, mysterious attractive cute weirdo girl to obnoxious self absorbed delusional narcissic A-Hole at the minute she got sober!!
    Cheers to that amazing transformation!
    My guess is that she started to compensate with a lot of illegal substance and is abusing it way too much now.
    If that’s the face of soberness, I wanna be drunk all day long.

    • Romi’s eyes scare me so I wouldn’t doubt that she is using something illegal. If not then she is using people instead to compensate for lack of drinking. She needs something to fill the void.

      I saw on Twitter that she signed a contract with Rose from the first season for a show…I guess another reality show following them around? Lord help us, it IS the apocalypse.

  12. RIESE!
    Let’s have a poly show discussion. That show really does a good ob of showing that yes, reality show is sometimes obviously scripted, but it can really be honest and new and exciting. Though I’m sure that show could get old quick, hence it being aired as a special (maybe all the sex has something to do with it too). But there is so much to talk about on the poly show!

  13. “You’re like, I put rose petals all over the house, and then I put cats all over the bed, I covered the bed in cats and kittens—”

    is the most amazing thing anyone on TRLW has ever said (excepting “i love love so much you”)

    also this seems like a good time to announce how obsessed i am with dustyandromi.tumblr.com. like in the same way i’m obsessed with watching planet earth. they’re like space aliens! how did they happen!

  14. This show is just getting boring. Like.

    At least in the past seasons, the debauchery and sheer ridiculousness of it all (i.e. creamed corn wrestling, anything with Claire, LA Fashion Week) were entertaining in an I-can’t-stop-laughing-at-these-crazy-lesbians kind of way. Like.

    KayCor = saving grace of this train wreck. Like.

    I refuse to comment on anything Romi related because I may just try that running into traffic thing Riese mentioned earlier. Like, for real.

    I’m gonna go Google that poly show now. Or watch PLL… yeah, PLL. Like.

  15. Also: I really liked “Gay in LA” – it wasn’t like a good song but it was hilarious and, I thought, showed that Romi didn’t take herself too seriously and could make fun of herself.

    Obviously after reading her blogpost and confessions about bisexuality/love/music/following her heart/being herself etc I realized she’s actually certifiably insane.

  16. Jesus, I feel so sorry for Kelsey when she says she doesnt see Dusty as a threat! Well, maybe it’s cause the threat is Romi herself? GAAAWD I used to like her in former seasons but now she’s just so annoying! And yeah, Dusty is creepy as hell.
    Wow, Amanda rocks in this all black leather outfit she’s wearing. I need to steal that. Oh, and her motorbike as well.

    PS: Vero, you broke my heart.

  17. Loved the Connecticut stuff. I kindly refer to bitchy CT girls who like to judge NYC girls “Connecticunts”…there are several in the New Haven area. Oh, thanks for the Indigo Girls shout out. No, really. I had that song in my head for the rest of the day and had the urge to call my first girlfriend.

  18. I think that “I wanna gouge my eyes out with a fork” might be another screencap for the ages, y’all. it and “this is crazy” could work pretty well as recaps on their own, though you’d have to write in a couple jokes at the end to make up for the ones we’d be missing from the long-form version.

  19. TRUTH: “Oh wait, whoops, wrong late-night Showtime drama about unconventional relationships that claims to be real and progressive and features a bunch of white people with significant sex drives and too many feelings!”

    I had half a beer left when the episode ended so yes, I did watch the poly show.

  20. Amanda: “You’re like, I put rose petals all over the house, and then I put cats all over the bed, I covered the bed in cats and kittens—”

    Amanda pulls no punches and she has some of my fave lines

  21. It’s frightening this show. Romi has become a stepford wife. Amanda is totally evil. Kiyomi and lauren obviously have a connection, right people wrong timing maybe, and who is she to give any advice.

    These bitches need to stop sniffing coke and and get some help!!!

    At one point when sara and and whitney are talking at the cafe, i swear the camera angle showed whitneys nose getting bigger like pinochio. Stop the bullshit please Ilene and show us something interesting !!!

  22. I don’t know what has happened to Romi, but shes just not the same person as she was in the last two seasons.

    Shes just too self centered and absorbed and comes off as really fake. I dislike her more and more as the season progresses.

    I think she really needs help because i def see some personality disorder going on. Hopefully im wrong and its just showtime that portrays her like that, but i dont think so.

    And I don’t want to seem rude or mean but I really do not understand what Lauren sees in Kyomi, I really don’t. I just dont find Kyomi attractive at all. Lauren could totally do soo much better and get a girl who’s hot like her or even hotter.

  23. Wow, amazing blog layout! How long have you ever been blogging for? you made blogging glance easy. The whole glance of your website is wonderful, let alone the content!

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