Quiz: Which Chapstick Are You?

If you’re a chapstick lesbian have I got news for you: it’s time to answer the question on everyone’s lips: “what kind of lip balm are you?”

Which chapstick are you?

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Riese is the 41-year-old Co-Founder of Autostraddle.com as well as an award-winning writer, video-maker, LGBTQ+ Marketing consultant and aspiring cyber-performance artist who grew up in Michigan, lost her mind in New York and now lives in Los Angeles. Her work has appeared in nine books, magazines including Marie Claire and Curve, and all over the web including Nylon, Queerty, Nerve, Bitch, Emily Books and Jezebel. She had a very popular personal blog once upon a time, and then she recapped The L Word, and then she had the idea to make this place, and now here we all are! In 2016, she was nominated for a GLAAD Award for Outstanding Digital Journalism. She's Jewish and has a cute dog named Carol. Follow her on twitter and instagram.

Riese has written 3200 articles for us.


  1. Vaseline – you’re soft and glowing! This is LITERALLY the only chapstick equivalent i’ve used for 8 years, i have the lovely metal tins and then a big pot at home.

    Also never has anything been more accurate than being able to answer “Costco” for one of my vices!

  2. Dr Bronner’s All One – You’re a bit chaotic but efficient.
    Yeah, can’t argue that. Never heard of this chapstick, though.

    Also, having “straight girls” as an option in the Pick A Vice question? I don’t know whether I feel seen or called out.

  3. eod lip balm – You’re beloved by millennials, always camera-ready, and too big for the average pants’ pocket

    i used these religiously for years, so i feel very validated!

    • They’re my fave atm also after my girlfriend said I had to quit it with my previous preference which was “seasonal chapstick flavors that are on sale now bc they flopped”

  4. You’re Burt’s Bees!
    Buzz Buzz Buzz

    Reminder to self: Go to Target for more Burt’s Bees. You’re out. Please don’t spend $100. You only need 2 things (yes, really).

  5. Don’t use dr bronners chapstick (i use a no-plastic packaging brand) but I *do* use their handsalve so fair call there! (“chaotic but efficient” also is a fair read)

  6. Ummm… I don’t know… I am a Burt’s Bees Pomegranate fanatic. I DO use Dr. Bronner’s lavender soap, so I can see that I got something that was in the ballpark, but I am envious of others getting my brand.
    Also, Dr. Bronner’s really dries out my skin, which is why I keep large jugs of unscented lotion everywhere, and so I have a hard time believing that they know the first thing about moisturizing anything.
    As our country and our world falls further into hell in a handbasket, these are the important questions of Our Times.

  7. This quiz has my exact Jansport backpack and I currently have two (2) of those lotions sitting next to each other on my dresser, meaning I had to take the quiz twice.
    Yet the results–vaseline and Dr Bronner’s–are chapsticks I’ve never used. Where is my eo5? My Burt’s Bees??
    This is all too close to the bone. I’m shaken.

  8. Burt’s Bees – which i have used, but there’s a better one i can find locally, made in Portland, OR. Although, i kept trying to select the Patagonia hip pack, but got error messages each time. So, something’s broken. Gotta wonder if that woulda changed my result?? I’ll never know!!

  9. I got Dr. Bronner’s – I didn’t know they made a lip balm!
    But also it wouldn’t let me select the Patagonia fanny pack as the bag, or rather I’d select it but then get an error after submitting that I hadn’t selected a choice on that question :( so I had to pick a different bag.

  10. Bit late to the party. But I feel so seen by the “14 year old boy option”, because I dress exactly like the guys in my high school did back in like 2009 (it’s comfy!). I also regularly get confused for a teenager when volunteering, and have had multiple librarians tell me “the teen summer reading is at the children’s desk” when trying to collect my ADULT summer reading prizes.

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