Queer Sex Coven: Freeze Your Enemies

It’s almost summer. I hope you enjoy the taste of your perfect partner’s sweat. Did you have sex with a candle yet to conjure a partner? It’s not too late. You better answer “yes” to my sweat question. Witches dig bodily fluids, as will be touched upon in this edition of Queer Sex Coven. However, this spell is less rom-com than candle fucking and more revenge. You’re welcome.

What do you mean by “freeze?”

When I say freeze I mean we are literally going to freeze an enemy so they can do no harm. Okay, not literally, but a representation of them. Is this “black magick?” No. I and many others find that term racist, as it often refers to practices that are African in origin. If conversely, “white magick” is Aryan Glinda the Good Witch in a puffy gown, I’m not interested. Magick exists in shades of grey. The saint and the savage can be the same person and sometimes times require us to bite back. Maybe a former flame or girlfriend’s ex is harassing you, and you need to protect yourself. This spell stops enemies from harming you without causing harm to others.

When is the best time to cast this spell?

The waning moon aids in protection spells and removing obstacles. Cast this spell during the waning moon or whenever you need someone to piss off.

What deity should I work with?

Kali, the fierce mother goddess, is the slayer of demons. She is also fiercely protective of those who honor her. However, it is often advised only to invoke her when serious protection is needed, such as if you’ve been abused or assaulted. As always, practice cultural appreciation rather than appropriation when working with deities outside of your own culture. If you’re just freezing an ex or someone annoying, rather than someone who abused you, skip the deities part and be your own god for this spell. If you invoke Kali and you’re in the wrong you may be where her wrath lands.

Step-by-Step Breakdown:

1. Identify who you wish to freeze. Let’s say it’s an abusive ex who still feels it’s their right to harass you. Write down all the ways they’re hurting you into an intention letter. It may read, “Barb will not stop calling me and leaving screaming voicemails. I wake up each morning to a lengthy text accusing me of things that are none of their business.” Fuck Barb. Perhaps your problem is more irritating than abusive. You may have an ex’s friend up in your shit for reasons unknown. “Lauren still messages me constantly on Instagram, and I can tell she’s trying to provoke me. She’s no longer a part of my life and this needs to stop. Why is she so obsessed with me?”

2. In addition to magickally dealing with such issues, unless safety is a concern, please tell such people to fuck off to their face. Now that is an effective incantation.

3. Boil the emphasis of your intention letter into one concise sentence, such as “Barb can no longer harm me,” or “Lauren will leave me alone.” Obtain a photo of whom you wish to freeze. If you don’t have a photo, their name will do. Place their photo in a cup. Fill it up with water.

4. As you are filling the cup up with water, read out your incantation out loud.

5. Stick the cup into your freezer. Keep it there until the thought of the person no longer causes stress. You’ll be surprised how quickly your freezer fills up with enemies!

6. Burn the intention letter and incantation over the sink. Discard the remains.

7. In emergencies and situations in which freezing is not enough, add some urine into the cup. Urine dominates. Pee on that abuser and don’t let anyone make you feel bad about having a freezer full of ice cream and frozen urine.

Sophie Saint Thomas is a freelance writer based in Brooklyn and is originally from the U.S. Virgin Islands. High Times named her one of their “100 Women in High Places” for her writing on cannabis, and Brooklyn Magazine has named her one of their "30 Under 30's" in their annual Envy List. She has been published in GQ, Playboy, VICE, Cosmopolitan, Forbes, Allure, Glamour, Marie Claire, High Times, Nylon, Refinery29, Complex, Harper’s Bazaar, PRIDE Magazine, SELF, and more. She currently lives in Greenpoint with her two marmalade tabby cats, Mama Cat and Major Tom Cat. She has more than one David Bowie tattoo. Follow Sophie on Twitter.

Sophie has written 7 articles for us.

16 Comments

  1. I have too many people to use this on, unfortunately 🙁

    I love your point about the racism in black vs white magic. Is there some historical pattern of it being used in this racist way? For eg voodoo is seen as ‘black magic’ and as African in origin.

    • Assigning moral value to colors pre-dates the Trans-Atlantic slave trade, but malalignment of voodoo does not because without the trade voodoo as some of us know it would not exist.

      Voodoo in the Americas is a syncretic religion, the enslaved peoples took their gods and ways of worship with them and melded it with the Christianity they got stuck with. Catholicism already had a lot of imagery and saints that are likely adaptation of older deities and older ways of worship.
      Though I’m not a child anymore I still see it as an awesome act of survival and resistance, push humans down no matter what we find a way to push or take back.

      I had a book that was a useful scholarly look into how the views on voodoo varied over time, some regions, race and classes. Can’t find it but what I remember Hollywood had a lot to do with the demonization in modern times. Things went from treated it as silly superstitious nonsense of the ignorant and some “that’s devil worship!” from quarters who hated bobbed haircuts to go-to evil magic with a hint of the exotic and erotic.
      Snakes, dancing, sweaty people in lightweight clothes is much sexier visual for evil than long robes and chanting with maybe a virgin sacrifice in her nightie or something.
      And this continued even after the Hays Film Code.

  2. I’m really enjoying this series!

    I was wondering if you might be able to elaborate on cultural appreciation vs. appropriation, or if you know of good resources for thinking through this topic? One article I’ve found helpful is more focused on fashion than spiritual practices, but a lot of the same ideas apply:
    https://bust.com/style/193076-cultural-appropriation-vs-appreciation.html
    Are there articles or resources you’d recommend?

    • I could write an entire article on that! Although a person of color would be better suited to do so. I make sure to study deities from other cultures as much as I possibly can before working with them and always thank them for the wisdom they’ve taught me while acknowledging that I am not from their culture in my own work. I rely a lot on intuition and am also aware that I’m always learning ways to be better about this myself.

  3. Do we absolutely for sure need to know their name? I ask because I had a strange street-harassment encounter the other day, and I’d like to put it thoroughly behind me with something like this, but I do not know or care to know the man’s name. :/ Perhaps this would require a different spell?

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