It’s almost summer. I hope you enjoy the taste of your perfect partner’s sweat. Did you have sex with a candle yet to conjure a partner? It’s not too late. You better answer “yes” to my sweat question. Witches dig bodily fluids, as will be touched upon in this edition of Queer Sex Coven. However, this spell is less rom-com than candle fucking and more revenge. You’re welcome.
What do you mean by “freeze?”
When I say freeze I mean we are literally going to freeze an enemy so they can do no harm. Okay, not literally, but a representation of them. Is this “black magick?” No. I and many others find that term racist, as it often refers to practices that are African in origin. If conversely, “white magick” is Aryan Glinda the Good Witch in a puffy gown, I’m not interested. Magick exists in shades of grey. The saint and the savage can be the same person and sometimes times require us to bite back. Maybe a former flame or girlfriend’s ex is harassing you, and you need to protect yourself. This spell stops enemies from harming you without causing harm to others.
When is the best time to cast this spell?
The waning moon aids in protection spells and removing obstacles. Cast this spell during the waning moon or whenever you need someone to piss off.
What deity should I work with?
Kali, the fierce mother goddess, is the slayer of demons. She is also fiercely protective of those who honor her. However, it is often advised only to invoke her when serious protection is needed, such as if you’ve been abused or assaulted. As always, practice cultural appreciation rather than appropriation when working with deities outside of your own culture. If you’re just freezing an ex or someone annoying, rather than someone who abused you, skip the deities part and be your own god for this spell. If you invoke Kali and you’re in the wrong you may be where her wrath lands.
1. Identify who you wish to freeze. Let’s say it’s an abusive ex who still feels it’s their right to harass you. Write down all the ways they’re hurting you into an intention letter. It may read, “Barb will not stop calling me and leaving screaming voicemails. I wake up each morning to a lengthy text accusing me of things that are none of their business.” Fuck Barb. Perhaps your problem is more irritating than abusive. You may have an ex’s friend up in your shit for reasons unknown. “Lauren still messages me constantly on Instagram, and I can tell she’s trying to provoke me. She’s no longer a part of my life and this needs to stop. Why is she so obsessed with me?”
2. In addition to magickally dealing with such issues, unless safety is a concern, please tell such people to fuck off to their face. Now that is an effective incantation.
3. Boil the emphasis of your intention letter into one concise sentence, such as “Barb can no longer harm me,” or “Lauren will leave me alone.” Obtain a photo of whom you wish to freeze. If you don’t have a photo, their name will do. Place their photo in a cup. Fill it up with water.
4. As you are filling the cup up with water, read out your incantation out loud.
5. Stick the cup into your freezer. Keep it there until the thought of the person no longer causes stress. You’ll be surprised how quickly your freezer fills up with enemies!
6. Burn the intention letter and incantation over the sink. Discard the remains.
7. In emergencies and situations in which freezing is not enough, add some urine into the cup. Urine dominates. Pee on that abuser and don’t let anyone make you feel bad about having a freezer full of ice cream and frozen urine.