Welcome back to Pretty Little Liars, or as I like to call it, Shay Mitchell Looks Hot For An Hour. I calls em as I sees em.

As you may recall, last week was full of misadventures in lesbian dating and long term over-planning as Paige and Emily tried to figure out what the fuck they’re going to do once Paige moves to California. Oh also Jenna almost died! This week let’s maybe do something where no one dies but someone scissors. Okay? Okay.

We open on the hallowed halls of Rosewood Academy for delinquent girls just as the Liars are sneaking back into school from visiting Jenna at the hospital to dig up more clues. Well, I use “visit” loosely because hospital security wouldn’t let them in and now their clue trail is all dried up.

It’s smells like farts in here. Do you guys think it could be a fart monster?

The girls muse that now they need to find Cece because if trouble isn’t looking for them at this very minute, well, they damn sure better be looking for trouble. I mean, if Jenna is scared of Cece then she must be A because it’s not like we haven’t tromped down that road before. I don’t even care who A is anymore. Remember how much is sucked when we found out who Gossip Girl really was? Whenever we find out who A is it’s gonna be a let down.

You can’t just go around accusing people of being fart monsters!

To make matters worse, Emily’s mom texts and announces they’re moving into the DiLaurentis house with Alison’s mom. Emily’s really isn’t pleased with the idea of staying in Alison’s bedroom, it probably has dead girl cooties. Like seriously, how is she supposed to masturbate in the bed of her dead friend? Who she was in love with. But Hanna’s like, no fucking way you’re getting out of this. You’re going to march right into that room and sit there until we get a new clue or Cece Drake busts out of the closet physically or, preferably, metaphorically.

Was the one who farted.

The Liars part ways and Spencer suggest Hanna invite Emily to stay at her house. This is ridiculous because there is no way that Uptight Pam would ever let Emily stay with an accused murderer. Not to mention the fact that there’s no way Ashley would ever want a house guest right now.

Just realized they’re both wearing the same Hanes Women’s Boyshort Underwear.

Spencer and Hanna part ways when Hanna sees Caleb — she and him have plans to protest on the steps of the Pennsylvania State House until same-sex couples are granted equal marriage rights.

Hanna come on. We have to write a letter to the makers of this Tinder app about the way in which they’re ignoring the needs of lesbians.

After they part ways Spencer notices Fitz all in a flurry, locked out of his office. Clearly he’s stressed out about the whole Not Legally His Son’s Father thing. Bummer Fitz.

Can’t Get It In: The Ezra Fitz Story

Meanwhile Caleb and Hanna sit outside school discussing the PO Box that the Liars are trying to track down. Hanna is hoping it’s Cece’s box. I think we all have a lot of questions about Cece’s box.

What do you think this is? Lizz Rubin’s fantasy?

Caleb used his super double extra hacking skills to find a cable bill that was delivered to the PO Box. He tracked the cable bill to a physical address — the two hope Cece is there watching Skinemax. 

Which at the very least would help us determine if she’s a big lezzie.

How does Caleb have time to do all this Hanna Stuff. Does he not have any sort of life of his own?

Just realized she’s dating a crazy Uhauling lesbian.

Elsewhere Aria and Sensei Hot Stuff sit down for a coffee to go over some hot action shots that Aria took during the filming of Sensei’s most recent martial arts porn debut: Taekwondildo. Sensei wishes aloud that he could have used one of Aria’s photographs instead of the one he used for his match later that night. His old photographs make his wiener look small.

So this is kick fucking?

Aria’s all like, “Wait, match?! Tonight?! Head shots?! How did I not know about this?” Turns out Sensei is secretly fighting the Elite Four at Indigo Plateau for the Regional Pokemon League Championship. Sensei Hot Stuff is the very best like no one ever was. He didn’t tell Aria because he was scared that she wouldn’t want to go and his precious monkey heart just can’t take that kind of rejection.

The back of the box description for Taekwondildo 2: The Return of the Karatitty Kid.

Aria loves winners and authority. She is so in.

You should see Taekwondildo 3. The all anal version.

Across the city at Arkham Asylum for the Criminally Insane, Only Doctor In Town Wren interviews Mona. Shouldn’t there be a senior doctor doing this? Or at least one who isn’t riddled with conflict of interest?

Tell me, have you see this? It’s a page from Autostraddle’s NSFW Coloring Book.

Dr. Wren shows Mona pictures of Happy Farms and Mona makes adorable snide remarks about them. Mona rules. Dr. Wren wants to know how Mona feels about killing Wilden but also doesn’t believe she killed Wilden at all because no one believe women ever. Also because Mona probs didn’t do this one. For once.

I did fuck Raven Symone once though. Is that relevant here?

He diagnoses her with “Extreme Distrust and Paranoia, Delusions of Persecution.” I’m not sure that’s a diagnosis. Regardless I would diagnose Mona as “Fictional” but no one asked me. Then Wren accuses Mona of not taking her medication. He’s probably right on that one.

She had the softest lips, the best TV show and all the costumes

Over at The Life Cafe, Caveman TobAy gets a note from A.

That’s right. I’d rather show this piece of paper than TobAy’s stupid face.

It’s some sheet music and a cryptic note. It’s not helpful.

Starsweep to the DiLaurentis house where Emily is finally moving in. As you probably don’t remember, Alison’s mother completely restored Alison’s room to its previous glory. It’s like a weird little living history museum Alison shrine.

Ali had a thing for bunnies.

Oh my god I just realized this used to be Maya’s room also. Emily has kissed not one but TWO now-dead girls who slept in this room.

What am I supposed to do? Get visits from the ghosts of dildos past?!

Jessica DiLaurentis offers Emily a place to hang her clothes but, shocker, the closet is actually still full of Alison’s old stuff. It’s creepy.

MTVs True Life: I’m a Teen Lesbian

On the bright side Jessica’s clothes are just too adorable.

A fart monster.

Across the cul de sac, Caleb shows up at Hanna’s place. Hanna is being distant and awkward, which of course means Caleb wants to clamp down his love fangs even more.

Let me get this straight. You don’t want to process your feelings?

Caleb recommends Hanna and he check out the home address associated with the PO Box. Hanna suggests they break into Radley. Neither sounds like a particularly romantic date to me.

Like when you’re so horny you sleep with your ex

Caleb also thinks it’s time to tell her parents and the cops about A. Caleb so does not understand about A.

Do you think we could stop processing and start having The Sex?

With Caleb unwilling to help her, Hanna runs to a man she knows can’t resist a high school student: Dr. Wren. Wren sees Hanna and just about creams his pants. Like seriously what is in the water in Rosewood that makes adult men want high school girls so bad?

Ashley the (Lesbian) Vampire Hunter

Wren isn’t surprised when Hanna asks to see Mona (though he turns her down) but he’s damn surprised when he finds out Hanna didn’t already try to sneak in. Apparently some blonde already tried to make a lezzie visit to see Mona the previous night. The two suddenly wonder if it was Cece, despite the fact that no one has seen Cece in a million bajillion years.

I’m so glad you’re here. I haven’t hit on a teen girl in like 15 episodes!

This is so pathetic.

Just after Hanna leaves Wren makes a call. It’s cryptic but it sure as hell makes him look like he’s on the A team.

You’ve reach the Sprint PCS voice mail box of… The Furry Sex Hotline… Please leave a message after the tone.

Starsweep across town TobAy and Spencer stare at the sheet music from A. TobAy and Spencer think that A’s cryptic note means that TobAy should try talking to Dr. Palmer– his mother’s psychiatrist who’s now mentally ill. TobAy wants Spencer to come with him but she like… um… sort of doesn’t want to. Spencer is kind of over this story line too.

Well maybe we could just break up for long enough for me to have a lesbian kiss for Sweeps Week.

Over at the DiLaurentis house Emily walks around to the not-creepy-at-all sounds of a grandfather clock. She wants into the living room where Jessica is crying and reading over paperwork. Crying and reading paperwork can only mean one thing: divorce. At least that explains why Jessica has been in Rosewood without her husband for this entire season.

When I write this script, this is so how their Mrs. Robinson sex romance starts.

Across town Ezra meets up with Maggie Mac to discuss the mysterious case of the never present, always discussed son. Ezra tells Maggie Mac he started the process of getting legal recognition as Malcolm’s father and, lo and behold, he’s not even Malcolm’s biological father!

If I’m not a father what am I supposed to do with the Thomas The Tank Engine tattoo?

I feel like I totally called this except I can’t prove it and I don’t want to search through two seasons of recaps. Will you guys just believe me and we can all nod to each other that I totally called this? Like, please? I need a win, guys.

In the afternoon, across town, Hanna has found the local coffee cart. Is this a thing in other people’s cities because it isn’t in mine but I totally want it to be. Just then, Caleb walks up. If people ran into each other in real life nearly as much as they do in Rosewood I probably wouldn’t die alone.

Lesbian pick-up central.

I guess Caleb doesn’t much come to the coffee cart side of town because Hanna immediately busts him as about to tell Mistress Lawyer Hastings about A. Caleb just doesn’t know how to keep Hanna safe and that’s all he’s obsessed with.

MTVs True Life: I’m a Teen Lesbian 2

Normally I would actually say this is a weird alpha male thing and not a lesbian thing. Except, I mean, look at that dykey red leather jacket. It just screams “Life Partner.”

Style Thief: Caleb Rivers

Hanna tries to convince Caleb can totally keep her safe, even though the conversation should really be about how fucked up it is that he thinks “keeping her safe” is even his job.

The only lesbian kiss of this episode.

Oh and then Wren watches them kiss. IDK.

Yeah this doesn’t look like a jerk off scene or anything.

For whatever reason, this kiss watching inspires Wren to trek over to the Hastings residence where he drops in on Mistress Lawyer Hastings. Mistress Lawyer Hasting fucking hates Wren and tells him so. It’s a good moment.

Oh I’m sorry, did you think I gave a shit about you?

Wren tells Mistress Lawyer Hasting that Mona is fucking crazy and wants to see the Liars and those closest to them hurt. I mean, duh. You’d have to be living under a rock to not at least keep that thought under consideration. Either way I don’t trust any doctor who breaks doctor-patient confidentiality so he’s probably up to no good and lying.

I’m just here to use your bathroom. I have terrible explosive diarrhea.

Speaking of up to no good and lying, Ezra and Maggie Mac hash out how exactly how Maggie Mac got pregnant with Not Ezra’s Baby. Well, as you might expect, like many (but of course not all babies) this one was born through unprotected heterosexual sex.

Shouldn’t you have learned this in heath class?

Ezra’s totally pissed because he thought this was his baby for like thirty whole seconds and now he doesn’t have the baby he didn’t even know about for seven years.

This is how I was going to fist Aria. And then I never got to.

This feels like such a fucking cop-out on the part of the writers. Like they get to have Maggie Mac and Malcolm show up and portray Ezra as this wonderful selfless man who loses Aria for his son. Now that Malcolm turns out not to be his son he gets all of the brownie points with none of the long-term consequences. And what about Maggie Mac? All she gets is demonized and sort of slut shamed.

Smug-ass golden boy

Back at the DiLaurentis household Emily has been sucked into the worst conversation of all time, i.e. your friend’s parents’ divorce conversation.

And you should see his mistress’s fake tits.

Jessica explains she and Ali’s father grieved differently and their relationship fell apart. Emily’s like, “Oh I totally know what you mean, I’m going through the same thing.” FYI, Emily, you’re not. You and your high school girlfriend of like 6 months will probably have to break up as you move into the next phases of your life. Jessica’s daughter died and then her husband divorced her. Those aren’t the same thing. Like at all.

Can we just take a break from talking about you to go back to talking about me?

I’m not trying to downplay Emily’s plight. I’ve been in the End of High School Relationship. It’s hard. But maybe Emily and Paige have to break up so Emily can finally move to New York City and have sex with Santana. You know?

Like she like strap-on sex and I like vibrators

Oh right. Also Jesssica doesn’t know Emily’s gay.

Awkwardsauce

Somehow Jessica really missed the boat on this one. Emily tells her she’s gay and it’s soooo weird and formal.

Emily: I’m with a girl. I’ve thought about it a lot deep inside my heart of hearts and this is who I am and that’s who I want to be with. Am I being clear here? I’m a gay homosexual and I was born this way. I’m a light being made from God who’s a young girl just telling people she trusts that she’s gay and that’s who I am. A lesbian with a girl who’s also a lesbian as my girl girlfriend.

Isn’t this the point in Emily’s life where she just says “Oh, I’m gay” instead of giving this long planned out answer? Does she have that written out somewhere or something? Either way Jessica reacts like Emily is her granddaughter and she has to prove to her she’s not going to write her out of her will.

And her name is Santana Lopez

For coming out like three seasons ago

I mean, I get it though, is there anything in the world more awkward than telling your parents’s friends or your friends’ parents that you’re gay? No, nothing. Actually, it gets kind of even weirder.

Emily: I want you to know that you’re not the only one who’s seen Ali. I have, too.
Jessica: Of course you have. You loved her as much as I did. I wish that Ali could’ve returned those feelings. I couldn’t have asked for a better person to love her than you.

Wait. What? That’s uncomfortable, right? Right. Like what mother on the planet would say that her dead daughter’s friend loved her daughter as much as she did. I’m going with none.

Just thank god you’re just not one of those “butch” lesbians you see on the streets

Elsewhere, Aria is making a stop by the PO Box associated address in Philly before heading off to Sensei’s match. Aria stops outside the building where a totally hot girl appears to be moving out. Fortunately, this girl seems to know Cece.

They say that I have the best ass below 14th street. Is it true?

The girl packs up her car while telling Aria that Cece stiffed her on rent or something. The girl also says that Cece was going around saying that Alison got her kicked out of college and that her friends were a bunch of twats. Apparently Cece thought all of Alison’s friends were in on getting her kicked out of college and hated them all for it. God, I hate Cece.

And now all five of them are the editorial staff for some website… Autostraddle.Com?

Back over at the DiLaurentis house, Hanna shows up for a little Emily time, but Emily and Jessica are no where to be found. Hanna, figuring Emily was just upstairs signing up for A-Camp, heads into Alison’s bedroom.

Now where did Alison hide her Hitachi…?

Hanna picks through Alison’s things the way you only do when someone has passed away. While she looks inside Ali’s jewelry music box, red coat walks right behind her!

I like to pretend Red Coat is naked under there

 I can’t actually get worked up about this anymore. Sorry guys. It’s like exposure therapy. You can only scream for so long.

Elsewhere, Mona is still over in Arkham Asylum for the Criminally Insane, but at least they’ve finally given her a magazine. Mistress Lawyer Hastings shows up guns blazing. She wants to have a little off the record chat with Mona.

Let me make this clear. I’m the only Dom in these parts.

Mistress Lawyer Hastings asks Mona why she’s taking the blame for the murder, but Mona still claims she’s on the Liars side. Then Mistress Lawyer Hastings threatens to put Mona away in jail forever. Which is basically what Mona is angling for now anyways.

You might think that, but you haven’t seen the work I’ve done with Hanna. She’s at home wearing my collar right now.

Aria finally makes her way to Sensei’s competition when, just in the nick of time, Ezra calls. Obviously Aria is the first person he wants to tell about not having a kid. You know, not any of his family or friends.

Dick pics.

Of course, before Aria can pick up the call Sensei pops his head out the door of the building. Aria is torn. If this were a Rom-Com instead of a long term dramatic TV show, at the end Aria would decide she picks neither of the boys and just wants to rely on herself.

Rely on myself? Haha! That’s a good one!

Remember how TobAy and Spencer were going to go see Dr. Palmer in the nursing home/psych hospital where he lives? So they did that. I get that TobAy is digging up info about his mom, but it feels sort of fucked up that he’s getting information out of someone who maybe isn’t in full control of his mind or actions.

And this is my girlfriend Spencer. She likes two fingers but kind of wide like this.

Spencer hops on the conveniently located grand piano and plays the sheet music. As she does Dr. Palmer begins to speak with her as though she is TobAy’s mother.

Lesbian porn.

He doesn’t say much of anything but before he is wheeled away by an aid he turns to his aid and says “Would you please show Ms. DiLaurentis to my office?” Of course that doesn’t mean much of anything to us.

And next time don’t bring a caveman into my office.

Spencer rushes home to tell the Liars what she and TobAy heard. She meets with Hanna and Emily over at chez DiLaurentis. Spencer tells them she and TobAy interpreted Dr. Palmer’s comment to mean that Alison or Jessica was in Radley. Except it’s sort of hard because Spencer lied to the other Liars in the first place and didn’t tell them she was with TobAy. Pro tip: if your boyfriend is asking you to lie about being with him then you probably don’t want to be.

Are you seriously trying to claim you’ve never tried anal?

Spencer and Hanna want to ask Jessica whether Ali was ever in Radley, however Emily thinks this is totally terrible and insensitive. She storms off to study because lesbians gotta get those big scholarships.

I just haven’t found a silicone-based lube that I liked!

Instead of listening to Emily, Spencer and Hanna frolic off to the living room to talk to Jessica. Spencer asks her point blank if Dr. Palmer was her psychiatrist. Spencer’s tact has been on a steady decline. Jessica says he wasn’t her psychiatrist and triggers a nice long pastel flashback.

What do you mean you’re autoerotic?

Alison sits at the piano in the DiLaurentis living room. Jessica storms in a freaks out at Ali because she just got a call from Radley informing her that her daughter was there. Except it wasn’t Alison– it was Cece Drake dressed as Alison. Some sort of fucked up Cece/Alison game.

Why can’t you just be a closeted lesbian like that nice girl Emily Fields?

[SPOILER ALERT] Do you think Cece is how the writers are going to get out of using the twin plotline from the book? They’ve said time and time again that TV Alison doesn’t have a twin, but who knows.

Your dyke best friends who just started dating.

In shock Hanna and Spencer retreat to the Hastings household. Of course, Caleb joins them because he and Hanna have been apart for two and a half hours, two hours too many for Caleb’s liking.

I don’t care what you were doing, two hours without a text is too long. How was I supposed to go to Target and pick up new sports bras for us to share without knowing what colors Hanna wanted?

Mistress Lawyer Hastings comes into the kitchen and tells Hanna she’d better go home. Unfortunately someone made an anonymous complaint saying that Mistress Lawyer Hastings bullied Mona into giving a false confession. I think we all know that anonymous complaint was either Mona or A. Regardless, it means that Mistress Lawyer Hastings is back to just being Mistress Hastings — she can’t be Ashley’s lawyer anymore or it will hurt her case.

It seems I’ve really shit the bed on this one.

Starsweep to Philly where Sensei Hot Stuff is finally done with the Mega Super Regional Championship Fighting Games. It’s late now, but Aria doesn’t care.Once she’d been fucking her teacher for a while her parents assumed nothing could be worse and ended up pretty laid back. They eat burritos on a stoop and kiss and talk about how they want to be there with each other. Even I, in all my man hating glory, think this is adorable.

Nothing is cuter than love burittos

At Radley Wren talks on the phone with someone about Mona’s “Coerced Confession” while coloring in a picture. Of a girl with a red coat.

Like but doesn’t this look like the happiest lesbian family?

Emily gets back to the DiLaurentis house just as a man comes up from the basement having fixed the heating. He tells Jessica she has a big problem, bigger than just heating. They figure they’d better investigate.

Bitches doing it for themselves.

The two go down to the basement and what do they find? Well for one the basement has no lighting at the top of the stairs which I imagine is a real problem for selling the place. Not to mention the constant creepy music pumping through the place. No, the real problem is that someone was clearly squatting in the basement.

Didn’t Caleb already do this in season one?

Jessica figures it was someone living there between when Jason moved out and she moved in, but we know better. The holes in the ceiling of the crawl space are the perfect way for Red Coat to listen in on everyone’s conversations upstairs.

C’mon writers, wrong type of holes.

In the final creepy cut scene A takes Ashley’s old Crime Scene Shoes and tosses them into the wreckage of Emily’s house. A is such a prick.

I think this is a metaphor for my life.

Tune in next week when it is finally finally finally the Hoe Down everyone’s been talking about. Finally we’ll get to see Emily and Paige get their hoe on together!

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