Back over at the DiLaurentis house, Hanna shows up for a little Emily time, but Emily and Jessica are no where to be found. Hanna, figuring Emily was just upstairs signing up for A-Camp, heads into Alison’s bedroom.

Now where did Alison hide her Hitachi…?

Hanna picks through Alison’s things the way you only do when someone has passed away. While she looks inside Ali’s jewelry music box, red coat walks right behind her!

I like to pretend Red Coat is naked under there

 I can’t actually get worked up about this anymore. Sorry guys. It’s like exposure therapy. You can only scream for so long.

Elsewhere, Mona is still over in Arkham Asylum for the Criminally Insane, but at least they’ve finally given her a magazine. Mistress Lawyer Hastings shows up guns blazing. She wants to have a little off the record chat with Mona.

Let me make this clear. I’m the only Dom in these parts.

Mistress Lawyer Hastings asks Mona why she’s taking the blame for the murder, but Mona still claims she’s on the Liars side. Then Mistress Lawyer Hastings threatens to put Mona away in jail forever. Which is basically what Mona is angling for now anyways.

You might think that, but you haven’t seen the work I’ve done with Hanna. She’s at home wearing my collar right now.

Aria finally makes her way to Sensei’s competition when, just in the nick of time, Ezra calls. Obviously Aria is the first person he wants to tell about not having a kid. You know, not any of his family or friends.

Dick pics.

Of course, before Aria can pick up the call Sensei pops his head out the door of the building. Aria is torn. If this were a Rom-Com instead of a long term dramatic TV show, at the end Aria would decide she picks neither of the boys and just wants to rely on herself.

Rely on myself? Haha! That’s a good one!

Remember how TobAy and Spencer were going to go see Dr. Palmer in the nursing home/psych hospital where he lives? So they did that. I get that TobAy is digging up info about his mom, but it feels sort of fucked up that he’s getting information out of someone who maybe isn’t in full control of his mind or actions.

And this is my girlfriend Spencer. She likes two fingers but kind of wide like this.

Spencer hops on the conveniently located grand piano and plays the sheet music. As she does Dr. Palmer begins to speak with her as though she is TobAy’s mother.

Lesbian porn.

He doesn’t say much of anything but before he is wheeled away by an aid he turns to his aid and says “Would you please show Ms. DiLaurentis to my office?” Of course that doesn’t mean much of anything to us.

And next time don’t bring a caveman into my office.

Spencer rushes home to tell the Liars what she and TobAy heard. She meets with Hanna and Emily over at chez DiLaurentis. Spencer tells them she and TobAy interpreted Dr. Palmer’s comment to mean that Alison or Jessica was in Radley. Except it’s sort of hard because Spencer lied to the other Liars in the first place and didn’t tell them she was with TobAy. Pro tip: if your boyfriend is asking you to lie about being with him then you probably don’t want to be.

Are you seriously trying to claim you’ve never tried anal?

Spencer and Hanna want to ask Jessica whether Ali was ever in Radley, however Emily thinks this is totally terrible and insensitive. She storms off to study because lesbians gotta get those big scholarships.

I just haven’t found a silicone-based lube that I liked!

Instead of listening to Emily, Spencer and Hanna frolic off to the living room to talk to Jessica. Spencer asks her point blank if Dr. Palmer was her psychiatrist. Spencer’s tact has been on a steady decline. Jessica says he wasn’t her psychiatrist and triggers a nice long pastel flashback.

What do you mean you’re autoerotic?

Alison sits at the piano in the DiLaurentis living room. Jessica storms in a freaks out at Ali because she just got a call from Radley informing her that her daughter was there. Except it wasn’t Alison– it was Cece Drake dressed as Alison. Some sort of fucked up Cece/Alison game.

Why can’t you just be a closeted lesbian like that nice girl Emily Fields?

[SPOILER ALERT] Do you think Cece is how the writers are going to get out of using the twin plotline from the book? They’ve said time and time again that TV Alison doesn’t have a twin, but who knows.

Your dyke best friends who just started dating.

In shock Hanna and Spencer retreat to the Hastings household. Of course, Caleb joins them because he and Hanna have been apart for two and a half hours, two hours too many for Caleb’s liking.

I don’t care what you were doing, two hours without a text is too long. How was I supposed to go to Target and pick up new sports bras for us to share without knowing what colors Hanna wanted?

Mistress Lawyer Hastings comes into the kitchen and tells Hanna she’d better go home. Unfortunately someone made an anonymous complaint saying that Mistress Lawyer Hastings bullied Mona into giving a false confession. I think we all know that anonymous complaint was either Mona or A. Regardless, it means that Mistress Lawyer Hastings is back to just being Mistress Hastings — she can’t be Ashley’s lawyer anymore or it will hurt her case.

It seems I’ve really shit the bed on this one.

Starsweep to Philly where Sensei Hot Stuff is finally done with the Mega Super Regional Championship Fighting Games. It’s late now, but Aria doesn’t care.Once she’d been fucking her teacher for a while her parents assumed nothing could be worse and ended up pretty laid back. They eat burritos on a stoop and kiss and talk about how they want to be there with each other. Even I, in all my man hating glory, think this is adorable.

Nothing is cuter than love burittos

At Radley Wren talks on the phone with someone about Mona’s “Coerced Confession” while coloring in a picture. Of a girl with a red coat.

Like but doesn’t this look like the happiest lesbian family?

Emily gets back to the DiLaurentis house just as a man comes up from the basement having fixed the heating. He tells Jessica she has a big problem, bigger than just heating. They figure they’d better investigate.

Bitches doing it for themselves.

The two go down to the basement and what do they find? Well for one the basement has no lighting at the top of the stairs which I imagine is a real problem for selling the place. Not to mention the constant creepy music pumping through the place. No, the real problem is that someone was clearly squatting in the basement.

Didn’t Caleb already do this in season one?

Jessica figures it was someone living there between when Jason moved out and she moved in, but we know better. The holes in the ceiling of the crawl space are the perfect way for Red Coat to listen in on everyone’s conversations upstairs.

C’mon writers, wrong type of holes.

In the final creepy cut scene A takes Ashley’s old Crime Scene Shoes and tosses them into the wreckage of Emily’s house. A is such a prick.

I think this is a metaphor for my life.

Tune in next week when it is finally finally finally the Hoe Down everyone’s been talking about. Finally we’ll get to see Emily and Paige get their hoe on together!

Pages: 1 2See entire article on one page

Before you go! Autostraddle runs on the reader support of our AF+ Members. If this article meant something to you today — if it informed you or made you smile or feel seen, will you consider joining AF and supporting the people who make this queer media site possible?

Join AF+!