Pretty Little Liars Recap 319: What Becomes of the Broken-Hearted Crazy Ladies

Spencer and Wren finally arrive at their restaurant. Oh did I say restaurant? I meant the academic decathlon location.

SEX

…AND YOU JUST SORT OF REACH OUT LIGHTLY WITH YOUR FINGER TIPS LIKE THIS AND…

Wren goes off to find a table, because he seriously still hasn’t figured out what’s going on, and Spencer goes to track down the team who’s avidly preparing for the next day’s exciting events. Spencer makes a bunch of empty threats to MonA about how she’s going to upload MonA’s psychiatric case study online and reveal to everyone how crazy she is. This would make more sense if everyone in school didn’t already know MonA had gone off the deep end. Or if that wasn’t completely impossible to get and totally illegal.

yup

STILL MONA.

Did I mention MonA is dressed as a super uptight countess in the 1950s? It’s a hard look to pull off. Spencer tries to go toe to toe with MonA but, as it turns out, MonA is just too good of a manipulator. Before you can say “Crazy chicks are so fucking hot,” Spencer is loosing her shit and trying to beat the crap out of MonA. It’s a good moment.

so so real

THIS IS REAL.

banana

OKAY YOU CAN CHOKE ME BUT JUST DON’T MESS UP MY HAIR. WHAT’S THE SAFE WORD AGAIN?

Aria and Wesleywolf finish up with still no sign of Cece. Wesleywolf lets it spill that he’s actually planning on sleeping in the back of his car. I have a lot of feelings about this and it makes me sad forever. Seriously! I get really messed up thinking about kids with no place to go.

creepy for sure

NO, IT’S FINE, I’LL JUST SLEEP UNDER THAT CREEPY BABY CUT-OUT IN THE BACKGROUND

Cece calls Aria from her car and apologizes for being out so long. She explains that her car got towed while she was in the restaurant. Yes you read that correctly, Cece called from her car to claim that her car had been towed. In other words Cece lied to give Aria and Wesleywolf alone time together. Pretty sneaky, Cece. Pretty goddamn sneaky.

not safe

I ALWAYS WONDERED WHAT A REAL LIVE BARBIE WOULD LOOK LIKE IN BARBIE’S DREAM CAR

Either way her plan works and somehow Aria ends up inviting Wesleywolf back to her place for a slumber party.

spoiler its in his pants

OKAY FINE BUT NO PLAYING HIDE THE SALAMI

Starsweep to the local church where Caleb and Hanna wait around by candlelight. Looks like Hanna got Pastor Ted to give Jamie a job interview. Same day. On a Friday night. Caleb and Hanna take the opportunity to make out in a church. It’s kind of romantic but mostly it’s just weird.

desperate

IF YOU SQUINT IT REALLY DOES LOOK LIKE TWO LESBIANS.

Ashley shows up and announces that Jamie got the job and they’re all going back to the house to celebrate.

and cheese

WHEN SOMEONE ASKS ME WHAT GROCERIES I BOUGHT THIS WEEK

Before leaving, Hanna sticks a fiver in the collection box. The bill has some dice drawn on it. Ugh. You just know that dice bill is coming back to haunt us.

vanilla dice dice baby

DICE DICE BABY

Meanwhile, the only person I care about gets stuck in an elevator with Jason. Well, at least she’s wearing that hot leather jacket of hers.

gross

JASON YOU SERIOUSLY CAN’T BE FARTING IN HERE. WE COULD BE STUCK FOR HOURS WITH YOUR STINK!

Starsweep to the middle of nowhere. Dr. Wren drives Spencer home, moderately unimpressed with her behavior but, knowing him, probably fully prepared to hit it anyways. Melissa calls to check in and Wren lies and covers for Spencer. So I guess Spencer isn’t going to Arkham insane asylum. Pity, the pajamas would go great with her crazy eyes and unbrushed hair. No. Seriously. Crazy Spencer is sexy as hell.

seriously unsafe

ROADHEAD.

Hopskipjump over to Aria’s bedroom where Wesleywolf searches through Aria’s things while she grabs some extra sheets and blankets. Wesleywoilf and Aria bond over the fact that they, like every person in the country, both read before going to bed.

not nearly

I MEAN, IT’S GOOD, BUT NOT AS GOOD AS HUNGER GAMES: CATCHING FIRE.

Then Wesleywolf recites Aria some poetry and they kiss. We all cheer. Not like Emily and Paige making out style cheer, but a light, half-hearted, bored-of-Ezra cheer.

straight people problems

HOW ON EARTH IS HIS HEAD SO MUCH BIGGER THAN HERS?

or both

WE NEED A TIGHTER HARNESS OR A SMALLER DILDO

Back over in the elevator of doom, Jason and Emily start to panic. It’s only been like 15 minutes but they decide to give up on anyone coming to rescue them ever. Jason pries the doors open to let Emily jump around to the floor below.

never

IF WE GET STUCK IN HERE MY HAIR WILL GET DULL. I CAN’T LET THAT HAPPEN.

FYI, if you’re ever actually stuck in an elevator the safest thing to do is just wait it out. Even if it’s a Friday night you’ll probably be okay until someone comes Monday. Well, you’ll be hungry, thirsty and potentially covered in your own shit, but you’ll survive. But Jason and Emily didn’t ask me and they give it a whirl anyways. Emily peers over the ledge and observes that, yes indeed, they’re approximately a billion stories up. Wait. I’m confused. Weren’t they just in the basement? Why’d they go up so many flights?

too much

NEW STYLE GUILLOTINE

Just as Emily gets to safety, the doors snap shut and the elevators starts to plummet. That’s right, Jason is falling to his death and I’m watching one of my biggest fears realized on TV.

more tongue

USE LESS TEETH

Back over a the pizza and beer church celebration, the food finally shows up! Jamie pays the pizza guy and in a surprise to exactly no one, he uses the marked five dollar bill. I bet this is a classic Pretty Little Liars misdirect. Like we’ll think that Jamie is stealing but then actually Pastor Ted gave him a portion of the money cash upfront as a show of good faith. Or actually Paige has been drawing dice on every five dollar bill in Rosewood as part of her latest performance art project to help her get into Hampshire College. Or Jamie is just, like, not actually Caleb’s dad at all and just trying to scam money out of him/the church. I guess that wouldn’t be a misdirect, but I’m just spitballing here.

valid

SORRY I USED ALL MY SMALL BILLS BUYING UP ALL THESE PERIWINKLE SHIRTS AT A CRAFTS FESTIVAL.

Emily sends out an S.O.S. to the other Liars who drop whatever they’re doing because, let’s be real, their shit is not nearly as big as Emily’s shit right now. Emily’s shit is the biggest shit. She’s bedside at the hospital where Jason has amazingly survived.

boner

BUT IF THERE WAS NO SPINAL CORD DAMAGE, WHY THE PRIAPISM?

Jason finally admits to Emily that someone wants the members of the N.A.T dead. It only took, what? Two dead members who were also framed for Ali’s murder? Bro does not catch on quickly. Jason asks for more water because apparently his pain meds are giving him dry mouth. I’m pretty impressed with the writers right now, since dry mouth is actually a side effect of Fentanyl. Out in the hall, Emily meets up with the other Liars.

great news

HILARY CLINTON MIGHT RUN FOR PRESIDENT?!

Even wild eyed Spencer is there. Emily fills them in and reveals that someone stole the picture of Ali on a Motherfucking Boat from Jason. They all hug and kiss and proclaim their undying friendship. Just as they’re about to go in for the group hug, a nurse comes out to ask them where their friend went. You know, the patient who was just in the bed. The one who’s gone now. That’s right. Jason escaped from the hospital, for G-d knows what reason, bare ass in the breeze.

how does this even happen

WHY ARE THESE GIRLS ALWAYS STANDING IN A HORIZONTAL LINE?

The Liars then burst into the final musical number, “Living on a Prayer” as they link arms and– wait. Wrong show. Actually we go to our final cut scene where A1 and A2 play spin the whiskey bottle with more whiskey bottles with Liars’ faces glued on them. I couldn’t make this shit up if I tried. I must say if they’re targeting queer women ages 21-35 they certainly know their audience. The bottle stops on Aria but one of the two As moves it to point to Spencer. I guess they’re not done fucking with her yet.

asshole

OKAY, WHO DRANK ALL MY WISKEY?

Tune in next week when Paige finally returns from whatever rock she’s been hiding under and we answer questions from last episode like “Who was that girl at the bar?” “Was Paige actually faithful to Emily?” and “Did Lizz pass her Brain Sciences Exam?” At this point, only A knows, so see you then.


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Lizz is a consumer, lover and writer of all things pop culture and the Fashion/Style Editor at Autostraddle.com. She is also full time medical student at Brown University in Providence, RI. You can find her on the twitter, the tumblr or even on the instagram.

Lizz has written 276 articles for us.

9 Comments

  1. When are we going to find out that Ali was adopted and CeCe was the 12-year-old birth mother? And that CeCe actually had identical twins who were split up by the adoption agency?

  2. I love that Riese sends out team emails re: PLL.
    Also, the thing that bothered me more about the smoothie scene was how long she had the refrigerator open. Like she didn’t even close it before going to play strip trivia with Andrew. Seriously wasteful.

  3. I Don’t Hate Men!!!
    lol, but seriously, I don’t.
    but Emily was so spot on about the monopoly on pain thing. Shes a life guru of hope and unicorns.
    Why cant Ezbian happen right now. I miss my Ezbian feelings frenzy.

  4. That smoothie was seriously grody. Why was it so bright?!

    If Wren is British though, he could potentially be as young as 26 since they can go into med school from high school, no? Not really that much less creepy, just sayin’…

    And as if Jason could pry all the elevator doors open with his bare hands. That was ridiculous.

  5. This episode made me roll my eyes a lot. Spencer was fucking crazy, and Emily calling her out on her bullshit was the best thing about this episode. Caleb’s a bigger lesbian than Hanna, and that’s saying a lot. And Wren. Urgh. Just all the urgh.

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