You back? Okay great, because just as Aria starts to panic, Byron opens the door. He sees her looking around and starts acting all weird and creepy again. He mentions, in a sickly sweet voice, that he always thought it was so clever how Aria hid her Halloween candy from her brother in her boots. Oh Jeez.
THIS MAN RECEIVED A THANK YOU FROM LENA DUNHAM AT THE GOLDEN GLOBES. SHOULD NOT BE TRUSTED
Starsweep to Spencer’s where she and TobAy are prepping for the Speech Off. Just then TobAy gets a call from his “boss” who is clearly totally main A. Ew I hate his more and more with every episode. The most important part of this scene is that TobAy and Spencer don’t kiss, keeping Paige and Emily as the only kissing couple.
PREPPING FOR THE AFOREMENTIONED MUD WRESTLING
Float on over to Lucas’s bedroom where Hanna pulls the age old Your Mom Let Me In. Lucas has been up there for hours polishing his dozens of batman action figures and practicing going up and down his bunk beds.
A MODERATELY ACCURATE RECONSTRUCTION OF MY HIGH SCHOOL BEDROOM
Lucas reveles that he’s switching to home schooling. I really really want to make a home schooling joke here but I get the feeling that some of you were probably home school and turned out just fine so I’ll let this one slide. Mona had been blackmailing Lucas. Turns out Mr. Lucas was selling all the answers to every single test in school. I’m pretty impressed since, last time I checked, like 99% of high school tests are made new each year and usually essay or long form calculation style. Either way, Lucas is really freaked out since after he tried to quit the A-Team, Mona tried to run him over with an SUV. Remember?! We saw that last episode! Except it wasn’t Mona, it was TobAy!
YEAH SO BASICALLY I JUST SIT HERE AND JERK OFF TO INTERNET PORN ALL DAY
Later that night, Paige and Emily pull over at the side of the road on the way to their party. Is it because she and Emily are going to do some backseat scissoring? Nope. What about some back seat second basing? Nope. Okay, how about just some light lady kissing? Nope nope nope. No funny business at all.
WHY CAN’T WE JUST HAVE CAR SEX LIKE NORMAL HIGH SCHOOL COUPLES?
Instead, Paige freaks the fuck out. Apparently she’s the only person at Rosewood High who recognizes that a string of murders taking place out at night in the middle of the woods probably means they shouldn’t be going out at night in the middle of the woods. Quick one, that Paige. Paige admits that her parents aren’t forcing her to come home early, she’s been extremely scared to leave her house.
ALL I MEANT WAS THAT I WANTED YOU TO FUCK ME WITH A STRAP ON!
Instead of getting back in the car and returning home, the two go for a walk in the woods. Seriously.
THAT AREA OVER THERE LOOKS HAUNTED, LET’S TAKE A STROLL
Elsewhere: SPEECH OFF! SPEECH OFF! SPEECH OFF! Nope, still not that impressive. Either way, Mona and Spencer show up good to go. Actually, Spencer looks the most like a porn star ever.
NOW KISS.
I wish I could narrate this professional sports style, but I just can’t. I mean, okay, here goes. Spencer’s in the lead from the get go. Mona keeps missing answers by just a word or two, but starts to edge in. That’s right, she’s behind but she edges in from the rear. Hehe.
WHAT IS THE CODE NAME FOR GETTING A GIRL’S BRA OFF
At the end of round two Spencer is up by three points. Mona sort of wants to take an intermission but Spencer won’t quit– she’s hitting all her baskets from the three point line tonight. She’s all hardcore, but Mona doubles down.
BLOW JOBS GIVEN ON SCHOOL PROPERTY
It all comes down to the last question. All of the countries dissolved at the end of the Soviet Union… in alphabetic order. 10 seconds left to go, the ball hits the rim and NOOOO Spencer forgets Latvia. NOT LATVIA. Mona wins. Now who’s spanking whom?
Elsewhere Aria overhears Papa Rageface arguing with Meredith. I’m unclear, are they together? He gets overly handsy and aggressive.
WHO DOES NUMBER TWO WORK FOR?!
Meredith runs away screaming and crying and Aria follows her super stealth style. She tracks Meredith all the way to a coffee shop where she finds her drowning her sorrows in tea. Meredith explains she caught Papa Rageface in Aria’s room snooping about. Meredith was unimpressed so she snooped around a bit too.
SHE HAD A HINT. I MEAN, IT’S IN THE TITLE
She found the Ali’s journal pages in Byron’s dresser, but explains that she knew that he was being blackmailed. Byron had come to Meredith the night Ali was murdered. Byron thought Meredith had something to do with his blackmailing.
BUT YOU KNOWING ABOUT THE BLACKMAIL STILL DOESN’T EXPLAIN WHERE THE OTHER HALF OF MY JACKET WENT.
Paige and Emily get back from their walk to find their tire flat. Paige, despite being concerned that she’s not a strong enough women, gets down on the ground and starts to change it. Did I mention she’s wearing a plaid button-up and a down vest? And a slouchy black hat. I can honestly say it was the most lesbian moment on television including the entire series The L Word.
MECHANICAL LESBIAN REALNESS
Just then, there’s rustling in the bushes! It’s someone hooded! The hooded figure runs away into the woods. I’m pretending it’s Samara, jealous of Paige but also getting aroused by her tire changing. Paige wants to run away, but Emily is finally armed with a flashlight. She runs after the figure into the woods, but unfortunately he gets away.
PAIGE DON’T WORRY. A CAN’T HURT US AS LONG AS WE HAVE A FLASHLIGHT.
The two walk back to the car to finish changing the tire. Unbeknownst to Paige and Emily, the figure is reveled to be TobAy. That dick.
UNIMPRESSED
After Mona’s win, the current captain offers to go to the faculty advisor and try for an overrule. But Spencer don’t play that game. She plays the call Hanna and leave upset game. Before they can leave, though, Hanna has to get a good jab in at Mona.
WORST O FACE EVER
You know how sometimes you’re really mad at someone and you plan what you’re going to say to them? How if they push you one more time, you’re going to tell them that you never want to see them again. That your friendship is over and there’s nothing they can do or say. Then, when that moment comes, because you’ve got this long planned out thing to say, you just bubble over and let it loose. It’s perfect and slices right through the person, but then it’s so cutting that afterwords you feel terrible and regret it? That’s basically what happened. Except we haven’t gotten to the part where Hanna regrets it. But I’m sure we will.
SLICE AND DEIS WAS ALSO THE NAME OF A BRANDEIS SITCOM THAT I MADE A BRIEF APPEARANCE ON
For some totally unexplainable reason, the car flat tire necessitates Paige sleeping over at Emily’s. More importantly this basically fulfills all our hopes and dreams.
YOU ARE APPROXIMATELY 3 FEET TOO FAR APART
Well, sort of. On a mattress on the floor. Paige explains that she’s scared and doesn’t understand how Emily isn’t. In the second most lesbian TV moment of all time Emily blames herself for Paige’s fear and suggests that she go talk to a therapist.
BUT WHAT IF I NEVER GET DUSTY AND ROMI’S CHRISTMAS SONG OUT OF MY HEAD?
Then Emily kisses her goodnight and tucks her in and it’s the cutest ever! JK it would be a whole lot cuter if she got into bed with her and they spooned on the twin mattress.
ORAL SEX: YOU’RE DOING IT WRONG
Back at the Montgomery’s, Aria thinks she has the actual flu. This, of course, tells us she is totally actually pregnant.
THAT’S NOT WHERE THE PREGNANCY TEST GOES
How funny would it be if Ezra got two different high school seniors pregnant?
WHAT IF THERE WERE TWO OF THESE?!
In our final scary cut scene we see Byron leave his office. Just outside a hooded figure watches him go. It’s Mona– with a cell phone– announcing Byron’s departure.
HELLO? HAS ANYONE SEEn MIKE HUNT?
No wait. That’s not the final cut scene! There’s another! With a hooded figured stashing the masks from the Halloween Train under some leaves. To me this means that somehow A is framing Byron. Why? Because A is always framing whomever we think the bad guy is. Always. Those are the rules.
DEAR TOBAY, I HATE YOU, GET THE FUCK OFF MY TV
Tune in next week where it will be revealed that TobAy is actually just a formidable robotic assassin and soldier, designed by the military supercomputer Skynet for infiltration and combat duty, towards the ultimate goal of exterminating the human resistance. Also, I’ll try to determine why watching Pretty Little Liars makes me so hungry and hopefully replenish my mango salsa supply.
Pages: 1 2See entire article on one page
“See’s”?
“Welp”?
“Cleaver”?
PLL recaps > PLL
I agree.
But I also want you to know that your username “Autostradoodle” is now what I think when I need to get on Autostraddle. The thought in my head is literally “I haven’t Autostradoodled today.”
YAY! Autostraddle-Poodle mix FTW!
pregnancy is a misdirect! She’s being poisoned. I bet my extensive boot collection on it.
Probably just used something toxic in those paper mache jewerly projects.
i think she has cholera
This comment wins.
What the liars need to do is pool their resources and send Paige to A-camp for the Butching it up with Marni workshop, so she can tap into her latent butch powers to fix shit. All their A related problems would be fixed within a week.
oh god, THE EZRA BABY PICTURE
i just scroll through these for the screencaps <3
I let out a whoop when I saw “Lindsey Shaw” in the opening credits.
I too think that Aria being pregnant is a misdirect. Plus, teen pregnancy is too easy of a subplot for this show. But Emily was poisoned that one time with the muscle cream stuff, so I’m not convinced that’s it either.
Real talk: I try to ignore the names in the opening credits so I’ll be surprised when people show up!!
While watching this episode, I just stared at the screen going PAIGE CAN CHANGE A TIRE PAIGE CAN CHANGE A TIRE PAIGE CAN CHANGE A TIRE
Other Possible Reasons for Aria Being Queasy:
1) Poison
2) Proximity to Byron
3) Saw something nasty behind the woodshed
4) Body finally collapsing under weight of accessories
5) Just heard about Showtime’s plans for “The Real L Word” documentary
+ bonus points for Cold Comfort Farm reference
Was anybody else as utterly confused as me that Emily-I-have-a-king-size-bed made poor, scared Paige sleep on the floor? On the floor???
It’s like when Pacey and Joey spend the whole summer sleeping in seperate hammocks while on a tiny boat.
I mean, for reals?!
i think it’s because her dad didn’t want them to sleep in the same bed, yeah? but emily should’ve slept on the floor and let paige have the bed, just to be nice
That’s what I gathered. But like, they never would have done that with Hanna and Caleb. They would have been doing all the bed snuggling.
I think maybe they’re trying to seem realistic?…
Nope, that was super clever because beds make noises when used for queer purposes, floors not so much :D
The images of Spencer and Mona spanking cannot be unseen…and for that, thank you.
Also, “you like strong women, right?” Break my heart Lindsey Shaw. Take all the awards.
And also, Paige can change a flat tire? Call me Paige McCullers, I won’t leave your scared self in the woods like Fields did, and I definitely would not have you be sleeping on the floor. you, me, bed, now, please.
Big Paily fan but they are doomed. Dooommmeeddd.
1) I mean this dynamic can’t work. Paige hates herself and thinks Emily is close to perfect. They can’t work if Paige is just constantly trying to prove to herself and to Emily she is worthy eventhough she doesn’t believe she is.
2) Even if they get past that issue, show-wise Paige can’t last. Emily can’t have a normal girlfriend. By normal I mean this in a very limited sense (Paige is a nuts) because she reacts to thing like a person would. I mean at some point things will get really bad and Paige will say “enough is enough” and tell her dad or the cops. Caleb is normal but he hates authority figures and won’t do that. With the character they created it is hard to see how she can fit into the story long-term without blowing everything up (figuratively not literally).
I had a lot of feelings about Paige’s party in the woods/tire changing outfit.
I know that Emily has probably seen the most growth in the series, but damn, it’s nice to see her fearless. The scene in the woods made me smile because they make a super cute Hard Femme/Soft Butch couple. All the Paily feelings.
Also, I must be super obtuse because it never crossed my mind that Aria could be pregnant.
me neither! i just thought they needed an excuse for her to be at home all the time this episode
Maybe they just needed an excuse for Aria to not be involved in anything relevant going on in the show, again.
lizz this was funny, i laughed a lot
Thank you, I also laughed a lot because I’m one of those awful people who just laugh at their own jokes all the time.
okay so byron has become the creepiest fuck ever overnight, which’s so weird, right?
also, these girls are morons. it’s starting to drive me crazy! nobody learns from a single mistake. they just run into the woods with flashlights and split up and do everything wrong over and over and over again. i feel like that guy who yells at the horror movie in scream.
i found myself totally not minding aria this episode, i think she is bearable when ezra’s out of the picture
Yes!! I felt the same way, it’s like if there’s an opportunity to turn around and be safe or open the basement/chase the hooded stranger into a dark alley, they’re obviously going to make the unwise choice.
I feel like if I were in Rosewood I would just carry a flashlight on me at all times.
And seriously, why do they not photograph shit that is useful to them/clears their names the first time they see it, because it’s always gone when they go back for it!
I liked the reference to the fact that these girls hang out in coffee shops at 5:30AM. Back in the day, I got to H.S. by 7:30, at the latest. I love how fictional teenagers have oodles of leisure time before school.
On another note, I feel like Meredith might be involved with the Ali shenanigans. And by shenanigans, I mean murder. Maybe she was angry that Ali was pressuring Byron and putting strain on their relationship. Or, she suspected that Ali was the one who trashed his office. I’m suspicious of her sudden niceness. She’s probably playing friendly as a way to be in the know about how much information the girls have on that night.
that drives me INSANE about this show! i mean, all shows do this, but i might argue that PLL does it the most. they have scenes where like, spencer will show up at emily’s before school — like how much fucking time does she have before school that not only is she already dressed, showered and fed, but has time for a surprise visit from a friend and ensuing conversation before either has to show up in a classroom? so much shit goes on before dawn on this program.
When do they sleep?
Also wtf season is it?
Maybe school in Rosewood starts at noon. Or maybe they sleep in their perfectly manicured outfits.
There desperately needs to be Paily time on this show. I just don’t understand how the other girls can be in serious relationships with their “men” for over a year….but Emily can’t keep a gf to save her life! Something always goes wrong…like murder or extreme paranoia. Every time I watch this show I just can’t help but think it could be SO much better if it were on HBO or Showtime.
I completely agree that Paige and Emily should get some staying power (although I wouldn’t mind Emily meeting a hot butch). But I disagree that this should be on HBO or Showtime. I feel like it’s really important that this show is right next to Disney Channel in the basic cable channel lineup. Not every high school queer has HBO or showtime, but they can watch PLL on hulu and at least see something at least a little gay.
Also I like to keep in mind that three seasons into PLL only like a year has passed, so actually none of these relationships could possibly be as serious as the Liars make them out to be.
I still tune in, but for some reason, I’m not as excited about this half of the season. :( On a side note for Hanna fans: Ashley Benson is going to be on the next How I Met Your Mother.
Hum Im not as into this show as I was before, but this season I can’t wait to see what the story plot is going to be; I think I only been watching because of Emily’s story and Spencer.
Paige should go ‘talk to someone’ about getting the ladies a group discount on therapy, for reals.
Also, props to you for doing all your reds separately?! I didn’t realize that was a thing!
It’s silly that Aria is lounging around when she has a murderer on her tail, especially since The Rosewood police are less than competent. When it comes to Mona, even though janitor’s are creepy she comes off as a little drama queen, which makes me laugh. I’m looking forward to the rest of the season, even though I’ll miss Tuesday’s new episode, since I have to work nights at my job at DISH. But, I’m setting my DISH Hopper to auto-record the big 4 networks during prime time hours using PrimeTime Anytime. This way I can look forward to the weekend when I can relax in front of the TV while enjoying some TV drama.