Pretty Little Liars Recap 303: Queendom of the Blind


Meanwhile, Hanna visits Mona Interrupted again at the hospital. She is like sort of back to being giggly superficial Mona and sort of back to being psycho A Mona and also sort of doing her own new thing. Mona claims she’s on some new meds (Side effects include dry mouth and vaguely threatening Hanna.)

I WATCH YOU WHEN YOU SLEEP. SOFT BLONDE CURLS. SHINY SHINY HAIR.

The next chunk of plotline is all about men trying to Save the Day blah blah blah.

Ella is about to get busted for helping Emily cheat and Ezra really wants to help. Even though Ella is a mom with decades of teaching experience and Ezra is like 25 and nailing a high school student, Ezra feels the need to protect and defend her. Ella is so not interested. Probably partially because of the nailing her daughter thing but you can never be too sure.Even though Ella says she’s going to tell the truth and wants Ezra the hell out of her business, he goes behind her back because of the patriarchy. Ezra goes to the principal and explains away the preferential treatment by claiming that he made Ella grade Emily’s test in front of him. Phew. There are a lot of E names here.

NO I JUST REALLY WANT TO SUPPORT AND NURTURE YOU, YANO? LIKE I THINK BEING A LESBIAN IS A REALLY BEAUTIFUL THING AND I JUST WANT TO SUPPORT IT. I’M REALLY IN TOUCH WITH THE MOTHER EARTH GODDESS WITHIN.

In other man-controlling news, Caleb really doesn’t want Hanna to go see Mona. He doesn’t think Hanna is safe or can handle it emotionally. You know how women are with feelings.

OH HOW LONG HAVE I BEEN HANGING OUT BY THIS GATE WAITING FOR YOU TO COME OUT? FOUR TO SIX HOURS. NBD.

But you know, Caleb is a big strong man with Tina Fey hair so he can go visit Mona–and he does. Mona pulls her sort-of-okay-sort-of-threatening sort of crazy BS on Caleb who responds by saying, “Nener nener nener I can leave the psych ward but you can’t crazy-face.” So Mona freaks out and throws a table at Caleb. You know how crazy bitches do.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN I CAN’T GO TO A-CAMP?!

So. Um. Let’s take the creepy A plot line out of here and what you have is an 18 year old who looks about 30 telling his girlfriend where she can and can’t go and how she should and shouldn’t fulfill her own mental wellness needs. This is some Fifty Shades of Grey controlling ass shit.

I’M FIFTY SHADES OF FUCKED UP ANA!

Oh Lucas was visiting Mona too. Whatever.

DID I NOT INSTRUCT YOU THAT BOX FIVE WAS TO BE LEFT EMPTY?!

Okay so after all that shit goes down, the liars decide to go all Dragnet and stake out Jenna at her “doctors appointment.” Which turns out to be a gun store. Oops.

LITERALLY THE GUN SHOW

And though the gun store part is never explained — because it will inevitably come back to haunt us in season four — we are taken on round three of Bitch Can See as the Liars watch Jenna drive a motherfucking car.

BITCH CAN DRIVE

Yet, miraculously, instead of doing their usual duck and cover, the Liars actually go in for the WTF. Well, Hanna did getting all up on Jenna’s car.

THIS IS WHAT A DEATH STARE LOOKS LIKE

And let me just say Hanna has never looked better. Jenna explains to the lined up Liars that she has to pretend to be blind to protect herself. Now, that’s a load of crap because we saw Jenna with Garret claiming that they were “doing this” to the Liars. Oh right and Emily just remembers Jenna’s car because she tried to give her a ride. While she was drunk. At 2am.

EAT TWO SANDWICHES

Jenna’s all tearful and looking skinny as all hell. Like really skinny. Girl. Eat a sandwich.

All jazzed up from making Jenna cry weakness tears, Spencer goes home to confront her mother about the criminal Garret Baby-Be-Gone situation. While Ms. Hastings admits she knew Melissa lost her baby prior to three months ago but won’t give away any other juicy details. Plus she still insists that Garret is innocent and deserves her defense. So that’s still going on.

YOU USED MY LAST TAMPON AND DIDN’T REPLACE THE BOX? WHO DOES THAT?

Not jazzed up at all but looking sure cute as per ush, Emily confronts Fitziepoo about covering up Ella’s lies. “But Teacher,” she asks, “Why would you do this when I’m not the hot minor you’re banging.” Ezra doesn’t really give an answer to that because Emily reminds him that he desperately needs to find Aria and a bathroom counter. So he just leaves her with a make-up exam that is maybe or maybe not metaphorical.

LISTEN BUDDY. I KNOW YOU’RE USED TO WINNING OVER YOUNG GIRLS WITH YOUR GOOD LOOKS, BUT IM A DIFFERENT TYPE OF GIRL. A GIRL WHO EATS PUSSY.

Closing arguments? Mona lying in bed gripping the queen of hearts and singing to herself. I, for one, think Mona is crazy but not in the way that she’s acting.

PLAYING WITH THE QUEEN OF HEARTS

Just crazy enough to act like she’s as crazy as she’s acting. Naimean?

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Lizz

Lizz is a consumer, lover and writer of all things pop culture and the Fashion/Style Editor at Autostraddle.com. She is also full time medical student at Brown University in Providence, RI. You can find her on the twitter, the tumblr or even on the instagram.

Lizz has written 261 articles for us.

16 Comments

  1. I’m really trying with this show, but I just can’t do it. Every time they mention Maya I think damn you PLL’s. Then with Nate I think oh how convenient replace one black person with another, quota met.

  2. I could not get over how absolutely stupid Ella was. I mean, okay, pass Emily, yes, but if the girl knows she didn’t finish half her test, give her like a 64% or something – enough to pass, but not high enough to MAKE IT OBVIOUS THAT YOU CHEATED.

    Seriously. The adults on this show are unbelievably stupid. And inappropriate.

  3. I literally turned up the brightness on my phone to see that navel you were speaking of!

    Also I loved that you called out Melissa for always being on the fucking couch! ” this is my home now” ahaha.

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