I want to be upfront about the fact that Episode 303 of Pretty Little Liars basically contains no lesbian content. If you want to stop reading now I won’t forgive you at all. Maybe you should redirect yourself to here.
THIS SKEPTICAL FACE, NOVEL AND LATTE ARE THE MOST LESBIAN THINGS THIS EPISODE
Despite that, I still thought it was a pretty good episode. First of all, Tobey Your Thirst did not make a guest appearance. So that was nice. Second of all I watched it while eating this $30 breakfast in Europe.
DELICIOUS BREAKFAST IS DELICIOUS
We pick up with our Liars right where we left off: Jenna is still faking blind which is super awkward, mostly because Tammin Sursok’s portrayal of the blind has gone from vaguely offensive to tragically offensive.
IF SHE’S NOT BLIND THEN THAT CANE IS JUST THE MOST ADVANCED FASHION STATEMENT EVER.
EMILY’S SHIRT IS TOTALLY SEE THROUGH. I SEE BRA AND NAVEL!
To prove she’s not really blind, Aria agrees to accompany Jenna on the piano for her next flute recital. While there is almost no evidence that Jenna is gay, I would like to point out that flute is like the fifth queerest instrument after drums, fiddle, ukulele and Your Feelings.
I HAVE THIS THEORY THAT IF YOU CUT OFF ALL HER HAIR SHE’D LOOK LIKE A BRITISH MAN.
Of course we’re also still dealing with Dark Lucas who is 100% less fun than Dark Willow.
WHAT DO YOU WANT BITCH?! I’M BURNING ALL MY FUCKING FEELINGS. ALL OF THEM. RIGHT HERE ON THIS PAPER.
Now that Ella’s gone pants-on-fire, Emily is rocking a 94% on a test she didn’t finish. Instead of taking the score and running, Emily has decided this is a good time to stop all the lying and fess up.
INTERNATIONAL AUTOSTRADDLE BRUNCH DAY IS ON THE FIFTEENTH?! BUT I HAVE SWIM PRACTICE THAT DAY!
OH DUH. IT’S JUST BRUNCH FOR A FEW HOURS EARLY IN THE DAY. I CAN TOTALLY MAKE THAT!
Actually this is an ongoing theme in the show this season: no lying. I’m very into it because, with the exception of Ms. Marin stealing a shitton of money, most of the secrets are out in the open now. At some point the shit has to hit the fan, and the less shit the better because, as anyone with a sick great dane knows, shit is a bitch to clean up.
MS. MONTGOMERY? I WAS JUST WONDERING HOW YOU GOT THAT TIGHT TIGHT ASS…
Everything is not not as it seems over at the Hastings household where Melissa is looking awfully not pregnant. At first I assumed she’d had her baby but then it occurred to me that she also lacked the characteristic TV screaming baby. Don’t worry though, she’s still sitting on that goddamn couch.
THIS IS MY HOME NOW.
Ms. Hastings has gathered the girls to announce that she is defending Garret even though Spencer is convinced he totes murdered Ali. Mama Hastings reminds Spencer that everyone deserves a good legal defense and Spencer reminds her mom of that one time she was in a lesbian short film. Spencer answers all our confusion about skinny No Baby Melissa by saying, “I’m sorry you lost your baby.” I guess Melissa miscarried three months prior while on vacation. So that’s not really funny. I’ll just move on.
WAIT IT CAN PROLAPSE?!
Either way Spencer suspects that Melissa’s baby daddy might be Garret, so she calls 1-800-MEDICALRECORDS to dig up some shit on Melissa. Wouldn’t you know it? Melissa never stayed at the hospital she claimed. Calling 1-800-CREDITCARDBILL Spencer discovers that Mellissa and her mother actually just stayed at a hotel for the weekend. So it looks like Melissa lost her baby way before she admitted to losing her baby. Or maybe was never pregnant with Ian’s demon seed at all! What a fucking liar.
WHAT AM I WEARING?! WELL. UM. A LIGHT BLUE OXFORD SHIRT AND A BLACK VEST.
Over at Jenna’s place, music abounds because, like I said, the flute is gay. Aria snoops while she plays and plays while she snoops and may I just say Jenna is looking goooood in those white pants.
THAT IS A TRAGIC PANTY LINE.
Aria finds a sticky-note with H. Cobb on it. 
The Liars assume it’s a doctor’s appointment for Jenna’s eyes. I dunno, H. Cobb seems more like a butler’s name to me (but maybe that’s because of Albert Nobbs).
Meanwhile, Hanna visits Mona Interrupted again at the hospital. She is like sort of back to being giggly superficial Mona and sort of back to being psycho A Mona and also sort of doing her own new thing. Mona claims she’s on some new meds (Side effects include dry mouth and vaguely threatening Hanna.)
I WATCH YOU WHEN YOU SLEEP. SOFT BLONDE CURLS. SHINY SHINY HAIR.
The next chunk of plotline is all about men trying to Save the Day blah blah blah.
Ella is about to get busted for helping Emily cheat and Ezra really wants to help. Even though Ella is a mom with decades of teaching experience and Ezra is like 25 and nailing a high school student, Ezra feels the need to protect and defend her. Ella is so not interested. Probably partially because of the nailing her daughter thing but you can never be too sure.
Even though Ella says she’s going to tell the truth and wants Ezra the hell out of her business, he goes behind her back because of the patriarchy. Ezra goes to the principal and explains away the preferential treatment by claiming that he made Ella grade Emily’s test in front of him. Phew. There are a lot of E names here.
NO I JUST REALLY WANT TO SUPPORT AND NURTURE YOU, YANO? LIKE I THINK BEING A LESBIAN IS A REALLY BEAUTIFUL THING AND I JUST WANT TO SUPPORT IT. I’M REALLY IN TOUCH WITH THE MOTHER EARTH GODDESS WITHIN.
In other man-controlling news, Caleb really doesn’t want Hanna to go see Mona. He doesn’t think Hanna is safe or can handle it emotionally. You know how women are with feelings.
OH HOW LONG HAVE I BEEN HANGING OUT BY THIS GATE WAITING FOR YOU TO COME OUT? FOUR TO SIX HOURS. NBD.
But you know, Caleb is a big strong man with Tina Fey hair so he can go visit Mona–and he does. Mona pulls her sort-of-okay-sort-of-threatening sort of crazy BS on Caleb who responds by saying, “Nener nener nener I can leave the psych ward but you can’t crazy-face.” So Mona freaks out and throws a table at Caleb. You know how crazy bitches do.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I CAN’T GO TO A-CAMP?!
So. Um. Let’s take the creepy A plot line out of here and what you have is an 18 year old who looks about 30 telling his girlfriend where she can and can’t go and how she should and shouldn’t fulfill her own mental wellness needs. This is some Fifty Shades of Grey controlling ass shit.
I’M FIFTY SHADES OF FUCKED UP ANA!
Oh Lucas was visiting Mona too. Whatever.
DID I NOT INSTRUCT YOU THAT BOX FIVE WAS TO BE LEFT EMPTY?!
Okay so after all that shit goes down, the liars decide to go all Dragnet and stake out Jenna at her “doctors appointment.” Which turns out to be a gun store. Oops.
LITERALLY THE GUN SHOW
And though the gun store part is never explained — because it will inevitably come back to haunt us in season four — we are taken on round three of Bitch Can See as the Liars watch Jenna drive a motherfucking car.
BITCH CAN DRIVE
Yet, miraculously, instead of doing their usual duck and cover, the Liars actually go in for the WTF. Well, Hanna did getting all up on Jenna’s car.
THIS IS WHAT A DEATH STARE LOOKS LIKE
And let me just say Hanna has never looked better. Jenna explains to the lined up Liars that she has to pretend to be blind to protect herself. Now, that’s a load of crap because we saw Jenna with Garret claiming that they were “doing this” to the Liars. Oh right and Emily just remembers Jenna’s car because she tried to give her a ride. While she was drunk. At 2am.
EAT TWO SANDWICHES
Jenna’s all tearful and looking skinny as all hell. Like really skinny. Girl. Eat a sandwich.
All jazzed up from making Jenna cry weakness tears, Spencer goes home to confront her mother about the criminal Garret Baby-Be-Gone situation. While Ms. Hastings admits she knew Melissa lost her baby prior to three months ago but won’t give away any other juicy details. Plus she still insists that Garret is innocent and deserves her defense. So that’s still going on.
YOU USED MY LAST TAMPON AND DIDN’T REPLACE THE BOX? WHO DOES THAT?
Not jazzed up at all but looking sure cute as per ush, Emily confronts Fitziepoo about covering up Ella’s lies. “But Teacher,” she asks, “Why would you do this when I’m not the hot minor you’re banging.” Ezra doesn’t really give an answer to that because Emily reminds him that he desperately needs to find Aria and a bathroom counter. So he just leaves her with a make-up exam that is maybe or maybe not metaphorical.
LISTEN BUDDY. I KNOW YOU’RE USED TO WINNING OVER YOUNG GIRLS WITH YOUR GOOD LOOKS, BUT IM A DIFFERENT TYPE OF GIRL. A GIRL WHO EATS PUSSY.
Closing arguments? Mona lying in bed gripping the queen of hearts and singing to herself. I, for one, think Mona is crazy but not in the way that she’s acting.
PLAYING WITH THE QUEEN OF HEARTS
Just crazy enough to act like she’s as crazy as she’s acting. Naimean?
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http://fuckyeahpaigeandemily.tumblr.com/ is another option for anyone having gay!Emily withdrawals (plus, Paige is back next week, never too late to hop aboard the ship!)
<3 <3 <3 Paige! Especially in a suit.
I’m really trying with this show, but I just can’t do it. Every time they mention Maya I think damn you PLL’s. Then with Nate I think oh how convenient replace one black person with another, quota met.
I would really hope that Melissa wasn’t pregnant with Jason’s seed. That’s her half brother. I think you mean Ian. It’s hard to keep so many names straight!
-A
I was going to make the same comment.
And the Liars assume EARPLUGS have something to do with an EYE DOCTOR’s APPOINTMENT?
I could not get over how absolutely stupid Ella was. I mean, okay, pass Emily, yes, but if the girl knows she didn’t finish half her test, give her like a 64% or something – enough to pass, but not high enough to MAKE IT OBVIOUS THAT YOU CHEATED.
Seriously. The adults on this show are unbelievably stupid. And inappropriate.
Exactly! I was like “94%? SERIOUSLY?” I thought you were kinda being a reckless badass Ella, and making more secrets for the show… But a 94%?
64% is enough to pass? Damn not at my high school. You needed at least a 70 to pass.
I don’t like the whole Nate story line. I personally think he’s not really Maya’s cousin but what do I know? Also Paige is super hot with long hair but I don’t know if I like her with Emily.
I’m starting to think that Nate is not Maya’s cousin. (By that I mean hoping.) Glad I’m not the only one.
The only thing Nate has done is talk to Emily about Maya. What’s wrong with that? And I thought that the story he told about the summer he spent with Maya was really cute.
Because the fact that he met up with Emily to give her Maya’s parents address and forgot the address but went on to talk about how Emily should move on and again about Maya, I don’t know, personally I’m getting more of a True-North-stalker vibe from him than cousin
Don’t knock Tina Fey hair. I have Tina Fey hair. Tina Fey has Tina Fey hair. Clearly it’s a good look.
I literally turned up the brightness on my phone to see that navel you were speaking of!
Also I loved that you called out Melissa for always being on the fucking couch! ” this is my home now” ahaha.
“I literally turned up the brightness on my phone to see that navel you were speaking of!”
Award for Most Gay Thing Today