Are you fucking kidding me, A? That was my CHANEL lipstick. You couldn’t have used the Wet N Wild? UGH.

We pop on back to the Liars and subsequently the past, where we see Ali putting on that infamous yellow tank top. She finds an A message on the mirror, “I’m everywhere. And soon you’ll be nowhere.” Weeeeell, A is half-right on this. It’s so interesting to see Ali shaken up, though! She’s always so calm and collected. It’s a nice change of pace to see her terrified. Real-time Ali is also terrified, saying that they need to figure out who A is TONIGHT or she’ll have to disappear again. Wonder where she got that timeline.

Paisley is very IN for the soccer moms of Rosewood, young lady.

Back on A-Night, Jessica DiLaurentis is freaking the hell out. She’s looking out the window, calling the police (I’m assuming, maybe) and telling Ali she can’t leave the house. But it’s the last weekend before school starts again! All my friends will be there! Mom, you’re so unfair! But fiiiiiiine. Oh just kidding, Ali is going to steal Jessica’s sleeping pills and then sneak out anyway. I’m sorry, maybe I’m not cool, but if my mom was panicking this much, I’d know something was seriously up. Ali’s never been much for authority, though, that’s for sure.

Heeeere, I didn’t put drugs in this AT ALL.

At the barn — were we ever so young — the Liars are all hanging out, giggling while sippin’ purple sizzurp or whatever the hell they have in those cups. Toby keeps calling Ali. We also see Ali drug the girls. That explains why they all got wasted off half of their drinks. I miss baby Liars. So innocent. Ali waits until they’re all passed out to see if she keeps getting texts. She’s ruling them out, I’m guessing. She opens the barn doors to Toby.

Hey Emily, think the handle of this espresso thing would make a good substitute dildo in a pinch*? (*Nope!)

But let’s not dawdle because we’re making moves. Ali is taking them to some… cafe? This is where Ali has been hiding out? This isn’t still in Philly, I’m guessing.

You know, where I also kiss my girlfriend, Emily Fields.

A-Night returns and Ali is texting Ian to meet her at the kissing rock when Ezra pulls up.

I’m not mad, I’m just disappointed.

And he’s mad.

I’m not mad, I’m just disappointed.

Only let’s not get those answers yet because Officer Holbrook has some shady interrogation to be pulling off instead. He questions Mrs. Hastings, who is not falling for his shit because she’s a lawyer, you idiot. He’s really convinced Spencer is to be blamed here. Interesting. He tells her that her husband is on his way.

Does this scarf make me look innocent?

He peeks in on Melissa’s interview, who is telling the police her mother is a lawyer and she doesn’t have to fall for their shit, either.

Mr. Hastings tries the bitch please look, manages to look even more condescending with just a tiny hint of guilt.

Finally, Officer Holbrook goes in to find Mr. Hastings’ interview room, telling him that Mrs. Hastings is on her way. Hmmmm.

For being “confidential” that file sure got around.

He begins to question WHY Mr. Hastings had a private investigator follow Spencer the summer Ali disappeared.

How I got my B.A. in English.

Ezra backstory time! Ali met him at a Hollis pub and lied to him about reading Tender is the Night by F. Scott Fitzgerald. She must be pretty young here because she’s a terrible liar at this point.

Hmm? Oh I’m sorry, I couldn’t hear you over the fact that I’m reading F. Scott Fitzgerald in a fucking bar and I really need to get over myself.

Oh Ali, you’ll learn soon enough. She convinces Ezra that CeCe is her college roommate at Hollis.

I mean, did you even know Breakfast at Tiffany’s was written by Truman Capote? Jesus, Alison.

Aria is really upset about Ali and Ezra, understandably. She also kinda tells Ali she’s an idiot and knows nothing about Holly Golightly. I’d like that soundbite on repeat for all the times I hear people misrepresenting/romanticizing Breakfast at Tiffany’s. Also, apparently Ezra wanted to write a story about Ali. Guess he got his wish after all!

Awkward car breakup moment.

Ezra confirms that he knows she is in high school and that he’s upset, but he really likes her. Basically, he has no reason to like her, she’s a compulsive liar, but ugh anyway. Oh and they never slept together, thank goodness. But why are they trying to redeem Ezra here? NOPE, you’re still a total creep, Fitz!

You’ve ruined my career as a pedophile and future prison inmate!

At the kissing rock, Ali tells Ian she has all of the N.A.T. videos and that he and his cronies better stop threatening her. I like her “suspect everyone and threaten everybody’s lives” approach to finding A here.

I’m loving that every adult on this show feels it is appropriate to blame teenagers for all of their problems.

Officer Holbrook tells Jessica that Ali is definitely alive, but they need to find who is in her grave. They tracked Spencer’s GPS to Philly.

Mr. Hastings’ eyebrow expressions. Simply the best.

Mr. Hastings comes out and finds Jessica, and says something about the “deal” they had? Jessica’s like, “My daughter might be alive, deals are off, sucka!” Then Melissa pops out and it’s just a huge Hastings reunion up in here. She tells him that Mrs. Hastings is there, too, and he starts to panic about them having something on Spencer.

Dad, come on, you have to look interested in what I’m telling you, not half-asleep.

Melissa tells him he has nothing to worry about with Spencer. In fact, Melissa leans over and whispers something in his ear. BUT WHAT DID SHE SAY?

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