Oh why hello there. I’m so glad you’re here for the long and magical journey we have ahead of us for this season finale episode. I want you to know that Lizz titled this post for us. I miss her, too, ya’ll! Did you read her open thread for this episode? We were all so hoping for something Pailey to happen! Ugh! But onwards, ever onwards. Let’s get us some answers.

omg this is our first meeting of the leather jacket club I’m so excited!

We begin in a strange room. The Liars look bored out of their minds. Where are we? And why the hell is Noel Kahn back at the party? Ali pops on in and I forgot that Hanna and Aria haven’t really seen her much yet. Hugs all around! And now Ali, I think we’re all ready for you to give us some goddamn answers.

I waaaant my phone call.

Oh, you wanted answers right away? That’s cute. Nah. Instead we’re at the police department hanging with CeCe, who I’m assuming is in custody because A told the cops about her whereabouts during the last episode. Officer Holbrook is questioning her about Wilden’s death, but she wants to strike a deal out of this. Can’t say I blame her. She tells him she knows who killed the body in Ali’s grave. For a second I think she might tell us right then and there, then I remember the writers of this show hate us.

might still be lying? We’ll never know at this pace.

Let’s jump on back to the random place the girls are and Ali starts flash dancin’ on back to the good ol’ days, or at least the night she died (“died”).

I’ve made a huge mistake.

We begin in Hilton Head, where Ali is on a romantic outing with Ian. Boring. Melissa comes in, asking if Ali is there. She tells Ian she loves him.

Thank goodness. I mean, this is pre-Snapchat and that shit seems like it’ll haunt you even if everyone thinks you’re dead.

Ali switches off Ian’s videocamera, which was pointed at the bed. Can we talk for a moment about how disgusting it is that the show completely glosses over sex with teenage girls, and especially videotaping it for a potential audience? What the fuck. Okay, I’m glad we talked about that.

I read RAWR on a few of these and was excited for dino porn.

Anyway, Ali steals all of Ian’s N.A.T. videos, which is awesome, and sees Jenna and Toby’s lovely little video. She decides she’s going to use it to make sure Jenna stops sending her harassing texts and threats under the guise of A.

Toby has really nice pecs, I’m going to give him that.

But when she goes to see Jenna and tell her she has the video and to not threaten her any longer, she still gets A texts.

I love the ones that rhyme.

It seems like this one is the most violent one yet. “Bitch can’t see you, but I do. Tonight’s the night I kill you.” She says it seemed like Jenna was too shaken up to keep threatening her even then. So, we can count Jenna out of the A game.

biiiiiiitch puhleeeeeease

Back at the Hasting’s house, we realize that everyone thinks the girls are missing. Mrs. Hastings is panicking, and by panicking I mean just looking extremely disapproving about everything. Officer Holbrook is ransacking the place looking for “evidence.” Yeah, right.

Yeah this doesn’t look photoshoppped AT ALL

Officer Holbrook shows Mrs. Hastings a photo of the girls talking to Ali the night of that costume party in Ravenswood. The door opens and a Hastings girl comes in. Spencer?

Surprise! My impeccable jaw line is back!

NOPE. Melissa! Surprise! Apparently Toby asked her to come back. Suuuure he did.

Are you fucking kidding me, A? That was my CHANEL lipstick. You couldn’t have used the Wet N Wild? UGH.

We pop on back to the Liars and subsequently the past, where we see Ali putting on that infamous yellow tank top. She finds an A message on the mirror, “I’m everywhere. And soon you’ll be nowhere.” Weeeeell, A is half-right on this. It’s so interesting to see Ali shaken up, though! She’s always so calm and collected. It’s a nice change of pace to see her terrified. Real-time Ali is also terrified, saying that they need to figure out who A is TONIGHT or she’ll have to disappear again. Wonder where she got that timeline.

Paisley is very IN for the soccer moms of Rosewood, young lady.

Back on A-Night, Jessica DiLaurentis is freaking the hell out. She’s looking out the window, calling the police (I’m assuming, maybe) and telling Ali she can’t leave the house. But it’s the last weekend before school starts again! All my friends will be there! Mom, you’re so unfair! But fiiiiiiine. Oh just kidding, Ali is going to steal Jessica’s sleeping pills and then sneak out anyway. I’m sorry, maybe I’m not cool, but if my mom was panicking this much, I’d know something was seriously up. Ali’s never been much for authority, though, that’s for sure.

Heeeere, I didn’t put drugs in this AT ALL.

At the barn — were we ever so young — the Liars are all hanging out, giggling while sippin’ purple sizzurp or whatever the hell they have in those cups. Toby keeps calling Ali. We also see Ali drug the girls. That explains why they all got wasted off half of their drinks. I miss baby Liars. So innocent. Ali waits until they’re all passed out to see if she keeps getting texts. She’s ruling them out, I’m guessing. She opens the barn doors to Toby.

Hey Emily, think the handle of this espresso thing would make a good substitute dildo in a pinch*? (*Nope!)

But let’s not dawdle because we’re making moves. Ali is taking them to some… cafe? This is where Ali has been hiding out? This isn’t still in Philly, I’m guessing.

You know, where I also kiss my girlfriend, Emily Fields.

A-Night returns and Ali is texting Ian to meet her at the kissing rock when Ezra pulls up.

I’m not mad, I’m just disappointed.

And he’s mad.

I’m not mad, I’m just disappointed.

Only let’s not get those answers yet because Officer Holbrook has some shady interrogation to be pulling off instead. He questions Mrs. Hastings, who is not falling for his shit because she’s a lawyer, you idiot. He’s really convinced Spencer is to be blamed here. Interesting. He tells her that her husband is on his way.

Does this scarf make me look innocent?

He peeks in on Melissa’s interview, who is telling the police her mother is a lawyer and she doesn’t have to fall for their shit, either.

Mr. Hastings tries the bitch please look, manages to look even more condescending with just a tiny hint of guilt.

Finally, Officer Holbrook goes in to find Mr. Hastings’ interview room, telling him that Mrs. Hastings is on her way. Hmmmm.

For being “confidential” that file sure got around.

He begins to question WHY Mr. Hastings had a private investigator follow Spencer the summer Ali disappeared.

How I got my B.A. in English.

Ezra backstory time! Ali met him at a Hollis pub and lied to him about reading Tender is the Night by F. Scott Fitzgerald. She must be pretty young here because she’s a terrible liar at this point.

Hmm? Oh I’m sorry, I couldn’t hear you over the fact that I’m reading F. Scott Fitzgerald in a fucking bar and I really need to get over myself.

Oh Ali, you’ll learn soon enough. She convinces Ezra that CeCe is her college roommate at Hollis.

I mean, did you even know Breakfast at Tiffany’s was written by Truman Capote? Jesus, Alison.

Aria is really upset about Ali and Ezra, understandably. She also kinda tells Ali she’s an idiot and knows nothing about Holly Golightly. I’d like that soundbite on repeat for all the times I hear people misrepresenting/romanticizing Breakfast at Tiffany’s. Also, apparently Ezra wanted to write a story about Ali. Guess he got his wish after all!

Awkward car breakup moment.

Ezra confirms that he knows she is in high school and that he’s upset, but he really likes her. Basically, he has no reason to like her, she’s a compulsive liar, but ugh anyway. Oh and they never slept together, thank goodness. But why are they trying to redeem Ezra here? NOPE, you’re still a total creep, Fitz!

You’ve ruined my career as a pedophile and future prison inmate!

At the kissing rock, Ali tells Ian she has all of the N.A.T. videos and that he and his cronies better stop threatening her. I like her “suspect everyone and threaten everybody’s lives” approach to finding A here.

I’m loving that every adult on this show feels it is appropriate to blame teenagers for all of their problems.

Officer Holbrook tells Jessica that Ali is definitely alive, but they need to find who is in her grave. They tracked Spencer’s GPS to Philly.

Mr. Hastings’ eyebrow expressions. Simply the best.

Mr. Hastings comes out and finds Jessica, and says something about the “deal” they had? Jessica’s like, “My daughter might be alive, deals are off, sucka!” Then Melissa pops out and it’s just a huge Hastings reunion up in here. She tells him that Mrs. Hastings is there, too, and he starts to panic about them having something on Spencer.

Dad, come on, you have to look interested in what I’m telling you, not half-asleep.

Melissa tells him he has nothing to worry about with Spencer. In fact, Melissa leans over and whispers something in his ear. BUT WHAT DID SHE SAY?

Bitch, my hair looks FLAWLESS.

Ali gets back to the barn to find that Spencer is awake! Sleeping Pills – 0, Spencer – 1. Turns out that when Spencer attacked Ali, she actually just “attacked” her and didn’t harm her in any way. Ali found her pills and was actually super kind about it, telling her not to take any more and to never take them with alcohol. That’s pretty understanding of Ali for dealing with someone who just kind of tried to attack her. She tells her to go back to the barn.

just a girl and a shovel, nothin’ to see here.

Spencer walks off, dragging the shovel. Aw, poor baby Spence.

‘memba him?!

We gloss over the Byron visit. We can cross him off the A list now, too.

You are SO grounded.

Ali walks back to her house after her long night of running all over town threatening people, and finds Jessica in the window looking so. pissed.

This is the exact face I make when I step on a Lego.

And then Jessica gets to watch her daughter get hit in the back of the head with a rock!

This is kind of what my foot feels like when I step on a Lego, too.

So whoever A is came up behind her pretty fast, I’m assuming. Or too fast for Jessica to warn Ali.

Spencer, you are NOT the murderer!

Present day Spence has a little breakdown when she realizes she didn’t hurt Ali. And thank goodness. That was a tiring storyline to hold up.

I like the root action there. That’s a nice touch.

Turns out Jessica buried Ali alive. Ali was twitching and Jessica didn’t notice? What the hell?

Times when I’d look more freaked out: 1. burying my daughter.

Why did she just watch her daughter get murdered and then she BURIES THE BODY? Who IS this woman?

It’s okay, Ali, everyone cries the first time their Diva Cup leaks.

Ali says that she was trying to yell and get her mother’s attention but that she wasn’t able to move at all. Basically everyone’s worst fear in the entire world.

BRAAAAAAINZ

Ali gets out of the grave from Grunwald, and Mona finds her on the side of the road.

Uh, Mona, you missed a little spot on the left there.

Mona tends to her wounds, not very well I might add, in the creeptastic hotel in the woods where we we first found A’s lair. Mona’s plants the idea in Ali’s head that she should fake her death and disappear.

Mona is two seconds from just snapping Ali’s neck here.

Well, in order for that to work out, they need a body, but Mona doesn’t bring this up.

Might have curled into a ball at the creepiness of this scene.

While Ali sleeps soundly, Mona is in her lair humming and brushing a doll’s hair. So Mona was this obsessed with Ali while she was alive? I still don’t think we can count Mona out of the A-game here, to be perfectly honest. I don’t think we can trust her at all.

Elphie, now that we’re friends, I’ve decided to make you my new project.

Ali gives her some makeover advice before she leaves in some random car that kind of looks like Ezra’s? Anyone else think that?

Oh hey Ali, that A disguise looks really good on you… Waaaaaaaait a second.

Present day Ali acknowledges that Mona played her. Not quite sure how Ali found out about that lair and doesn’t still think Mona is A? Oh and also she’s the one who pushed Ian in the church bell tower that night. Makes perfect sense now.

SIKE!

The police bust into Ali’s Philly fauxhideout, or wherever Noel Kahn picked them up, and find nothing.

Love Emily’s scared face here and how Aria is just totally confused at the stage direction.

Instead, the Liars are all in an undisclosed location. But you know who does find them there?

Guns? So that’s new.

A! Of COURSE A found them! A has two guns and chases them up to the roof, so I’m assuming they’re pretty far from where the police are busting into the Philly hideout. A has them cornered on the roof when Ezra pops in to saaaaave the daaaaay.

Ezra’s creepy face is back for one last final huzzah!

He says he knows who A is. Just so we’re super clear Ezra is not A. Hanna picks up A’s gun and apparently doesn’t think to just shoot A in the foot.

I mean, I’m not into violence or guns or gun violence, but Hanna looks so tough here — it’s awesome.

A hops over the roof and runs away. They joke about how that’s definitely not Ali’s mom. I would have to agree. But what’s Ezra staring at?

I can’t even pretend to muster up any fucks to give about this.

Oh, just the sky, because he’s dying from a gunshot to the stomach. Of course he’s dying, he knows who A is! They start to scream for help and we realize they’re on a rooftop in New York City.

NEW YOOOOORK, CONCRETE JUNGLE WHERE DREAMS ARE MAAADE OF, THERE’S NOTHING YOU CAN’T DOOO.

What?

You’d think A would learn shallow graves are not the way to go.

I guess A is a fast driver, because next thing we know, Jessica DiLaurentis is being buried in a shallow grave. Any bets on if she’s being buried alive?

ALRIGHT. Lizz talked a little bit about what answers we got/what potential open ends this still leaves for us, but I want to add on that Noel Kahn and Mona are still very much able to be the bad guys in this situation. Think it’s pretty interesting that Noel wasn’t at the cafe when A busted in with two guns. Why would Ali trust him? Also, A seemed a little too big to be Mona, but she could definitely still be in cahoots.

I’m betting that they’re going with the same ending as the books. That theory makes sense when you think about Jessica’s “murder” because she would know. Alternatively, what if it was Jason? It has to be someone she needs to protect for some reason and Jason wasn’t mentioned in this episode AT ALL.

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