Welcome back to Pretty Little Liars, a one hour Netflix original show about lesbians trying to survive and get their lady grind on while in prison. Actually, that really will be what this show is about if Hanna doesn’t get her shit together. All four Liars behind bars trying to get by in prison. I would so watch that show.
We open on Rosewood where Badass Lezzie Detective is interviewing Hanna about the whole carrying a concealed weapon without a license and trying to bury it in the ground thing. Yeah. That whole little thing.
Hanna’s not squaking though.
Oddly, no one explains how or why the police tracked Hanna to the woods on a random college campus. Hanna’s folks finally show up and announce, much to the surprise of basically no on in the audience, that the police have taken the gun for testing to see if it’s related to Wilden’s murder. It will be. Cue the dramatic music and cut to the intro.
Ever since that dead pig in the trunk I’ve been pretty unimpressed with the dramatic moments before the credits. I think they should do a cold open with Emily and Paige scissoring and have Samara walk in right before the big finish. Now that would be gasp worthy.
That afternoon, Emily and Hanna chat on the phone about what deep shit Hanna is in. Emily thinks Hanna should tell her mom about A. Hanna thinks Emily should tell her mom about her extensive vintage vibrators collection she has stuffed under her bed. No one is telling their moms anything.
Just then, Shana walks into Emily’s locker room for her weekly meeting of the Pennsylvania Junior Lesbian Swim Champions Alliance. Oddly she’s wearing a Rosewood High track jacket. Looks like she transferred mid-year to swim for a better team. You know, to replace Emily. Also she forgot to bring snacks for the meeting and it was specifically her week to bring snacks!
Hanna hangs up the phone on her end and, after a few minutes of gently reorganizing her perfume collection, her father walks in. Tom wants to know why Hanna stole his gun and brought it to a sorority party. I want to know if Tom understands that this is what happens when you keeps guns in your house. Hanna fesses up to finding it in her mom’s things. Everyone thinks Ashley is guilty.
At the Life Cafe, Spencer and Aria look longingly into each other’s eyes and plan out their future girl band named The Brunettes. They also toy with the names The Wavy Haired Duo and Lip Gloss Poppin’ Mamas. It’s a work in progress.
Aria tells Spencer that she and Emily need to be team players and get over their fight. I agree.
Also the coffee is bad.
Emily shows up and as part of her new commitment to playing the raging dyke character, is in a bad mood. She’s sort of mad about Hanna’s arrest and Shana’s reappearance in Rosewood. Mostly she’s mad about the terrible disgusting no good coffee. Why? Because she has to train the new guy at the cafe on how to make a decent latte. A guy. A man guy male. Ew boys.
Also Emily is super stressed out because she has to plan the Life Cafe’s Open Mic Night aka Lesbian Speed Dating.
Since Emily hates the patriarchy she sends resident Man Charmer Aria over to teach the new boy how to properly get foamy IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN. He’s “Mike’s Friend Connor” and when he isn’t playing lacrosse or making terrible espresso drinks, he’s trying to pass English. Which he needs help with. From Aria the Man Charmer Writer Extraordinaire. He wants to get all up in Aria’s brain with a little tutoring session.
It just occurred to me that Mike is supposed to be two years younger than Aria. So this guy is like 15 or 16. Which makes him 10 years younger than me. 10! That feels like a lot for a character who is trying to scam a date with Aria.
Meanwhile, Emily and Spencer make up and sneak off to the rear of the shop to have bathroom sex.
Back over at Hanna’s, the three Marins try to sort out what’s what. They’re all just sort of sitting around the house waiting. It feels like when someone has just died and you don’t know what to do but sit and wait for the funeral.
Here’s what the different family members are saying:
+Tom: My gun went missing after we spoke
+Hanna: I found dad’s gun in your closet while looking for your shoes
+Ashley: I threw my shoes out but I never brought a gun into the house or killed Wilden
Gosh they’re stories are so inconsistent! If only there was something that could explain this. Some person running around Rosewood framing people. Someone who sends threatening text messages maybe. Duh. It’s A.
Speaking of A, our favorite little lesbo sociopath Mona is finally back on the scene!
She rolls up to the Life Cafe, much to the displeasure of the Liars. They’re probably just pissed because she’s wearing her hair straight and they’re all wearing it wavy.
Mona spills the beans about TobAy taking her MonA-Mobile. Spencer’s got no defense. Doesn’t Spencer know the old saying? Liars before Desires.
Aria and Emily storm out and head over to Emily’s house in a rage.
Just then, Hanna calls Emily from the most adorable pink room phone I’ve ever seen. She gives orders that none of the Liars are to squeal about A under threat towards both of her parents.
As she hangs up, she overhears Ashley and Tom fighting. Ashley tells Tom that she asked for money because she was trying to pay Wilden to leave town. She did take his gun, but only for protection. Ashely confronted Wilden but he took the gun from her and she ran away.
Just then there’s a knock at the door. Who’s at the door?
That’s right, our third favorite lesbian has finally returned from A-Camp where he spent his days meeting queer women and having all the mountain feelings. His first point of business was, of course, to check in on his codependent potentially criminal girlfriend. Awww. Unfortunately Tom won’t let Caleb into the house. He doesn’t want any competition for the role of 40-something year old man of the house.
Did someone say boyfriend? Spencer has hers over for a shitfight about stealing the MonA-Mobile. He’s all blah blah blah my mom, blah blah blah I’ll never know what happened.
I don’t care about the plight of cave men.
Over in a story line I care marginally more about, Aria and Mike’s Friend Connor go over his essay. You know it’s bad because he cites Wikipedia and Cliffsnotes. Aria mentions Faulkner so I hope he’s writing about The Sound and the Fury. You guys don’t know this about me, but I love The Sound and the Fury. It’s part of my sick misguided love of American literature written by dead white guys. I know. I’m the problem.
As the two work, Mike walks through the living room on his way out the door looking not a day over 25. Seriously I think he aged 10 years in the last 24 hours. Sadly he’s still slut-shaming Aria over dating Fitz, so he barely speaks to her as the door hits his ass on the way out.
Elsewhere Emily swings by Hanna’s house with her homework. Just kidding it’s only a scam to get inside pants– I mean bedroom– so they can process all the feels. We’re treated to a visual metaphor in the contrast between Emily’s shiny perfect hair and Hanna’s unwashed mop top. I think.
Emily actually just wants the footage of Ashley running over Wilden with her car, followed by Jenna and Shana helping him off the street. Emily claims she wants to submit it to the police to get Jenna and Shana named as new suspects. Just to help Hanna. I think we all know Emily is just scared of what will happen if Paige and Shana get too much bathing suit time together. We all know Paige can’t resist a girl in a Speedo.
Hanna is super not interested in handing over that disc drive. I mean, it basically makes her mom look guilty anyways. Plus nothing bad has happened with it yet, so it’s probably best to leave it where it is. But Emily knows how to get to Hanna and with a few winks and rubs in the right place she wins her over.
Besides, now we get tot see how smart Hanna’s disc drive hiding spot is!
Back over in Faulknerland, Mike’s Friend Connor finally packed up his stuff to leave. He suggests they do it again over a cheeseburger. You know, some essay editing followed by a date. Aria’s a bit oblivious though, and she’s not picking up what Mike’s Friend Connor is laying down. Actually, Mike’s Friend Connor goes for the tongue kissing right there and then!
Aria is disgusted and shocked. Mike’s Friend Connor probably should have asked for Aria’s consent in the first place and this whole mess could have been avoided. It’s the beauty of consent. Consent means never having to kiss someone who doesn’t want to be kissed, and isn’t that what life is all about?
The next morning we start off in the police office. Emily sneaks around pretending to hang signs for the Open Mic Night, but actually she is just dropping off the DVD of the Wilden car crash situation.
I hope A swaps it for the first disc of Season 1 of the L Word. I’m sure Badass Lezzie Detective will love that.
Emily works her way back to school where she and Caleb have some hawt dyke tension.