This week on Pretty Little Liars, nothing overtly gay happened besides me beginning to develop a mini-crush on Spencer and someone infusing the school swimming pool with a jetstream of lezzy energy, which I believe SPOILER ALERT will be followed up on next week in “The New Normal,” an episode title which sounds like the headline of a New York Times Sunday Styles trend piece about unmarried twentysomething urban farmers living in communes outside of Philadelphia which is the New Williamsburg. But it’s not. It’s just this Pretty Little Show.
Here’s the preview for next week’s show, when we definitely maybe but probably not will find out who A. is:
Anyhow let’s not get ahead of ourselves! Wee still have Episode 116 of Pretty Little Liars, “Je Suis Une Amie,” to discuss. Here, watch it:
This week on Pretty Little Liars, Spencer successfully pulls off a shirt/dress which I believe was initially spun by silk farmers as a tablecloth/napkin set for the Queen of England and has since been ruffled, cinched at the shoulders, BELTED, accessorized, and dropped onto he leggings-clad body of Spencer Fucking Hastings. Hanna spends more time with the Hatted Foster Child, who has been living in the high school like that kid who lived in the NYU library, even though he makes more money than I do “upgrading” phones to ring “Single Ladies” in 40 different languages, including braille. Hanna tells Aria that she was the one who gave Aria’s mom the museum tickets (WHY? WHY DID SHE TELL HER? JUST LIE, THAT’S WHAT THE SHOW IS ABOUT, LIE!), which makes Aria’s big beautiful eyes fill with tiny tears that cannot be soothed by Mr. Fitz b/c that actor was not on contract for this episode. Aria’s brother is gay and wants to eat at the sausage restaurant, Spencer’s sister is pregnant with Ian’s Devilbaby, and A. continues pushing her unlimited text messages plan into “taking advantage of Sprint’s generosity” territory.
Now let’s talk about the lesbian.
The Emily Story begins with Spencer playing stakeout from Emily’s window, wherein the entire neighborhood and all its liars/supsects are visible. Toby’s mailbox has been hate crimed by a bigot who hates alleged murderers, blind people and cats and so Toby’s outside getting some fresh air/picking up the literal and symbolic pieces.
Spencer wants to apologize for disbelieving Toby but Emily says Spencer should just apologize to Toby. See, now that the Keebler Elfmadam from the Woods has targeted Spencer as the bracelet-buyer, Spencer knows how it feels to be accused of doing something you didn’t do — ’cause clearly Spencer wouldn’t ever jewelery shop in Pooh Corner, girlfriend has a Bloomingdales Credit Card for that kind of thing.
Paige & Emily tied for Best Swimmer of the Pool and need to have a swim-off to determine the new “anchor” for the team, which sounds like a punishment but is apparently an honor.
Emily, persistent in her refusal to raise her voice above a consistently simmering monotone with minimal eye movement, says to Paige,”I guess we’ll figure it out tomorrow.”
“You figure it out,” Paige says. “I need to win.” Right-o. Everyone got that? Paige needs to win, Emily should figure it out. She should drug herself or not shave her legs, maybe.
When Em tells Spencer about the swim-off, Spencer tells Emily that she will win and Emily says probably not because Paige wants it more. “No,” Spencer insists. “You want it more, and it is okay to admit that.” Emily is rendered powerful by the rays of school spirit emanating from Spencer’s eyesockets and defers, whipping out Emily Facial Expression #4, “The Demure Acceptance of my Fate as Instructed to Me By Somebody Else (usually Spencer).”
The girls spot a poster advertising for a French Tutor for a home-schooled kid. Apparently the other French students haven’t exactly been jumping at this opportunity because everybody knows that home-schooled kids don’t believe in Evolution or France, which is creepy. But not as creepy as Toby — or, rather, EXACTLY as creepy as Toby because Emily says it’s Toby’s poster. Spencer, in the interest of diversifying her Burberry-scented resumè, takes a number.
Emily is suspicious of Spencer’s motives — does she really want to conjugate verbs, or does she want to play Nancy Drew and the Case of the Missing Bitch We All Hated Anyhow with Toby as her special informant? Spencer will not let Emily get in the way of her ingenious multi-tasking. She wants it more, is what I’m saying. Elle en veut plus, as they say in Epcot Center.
Also, can we pause to admire the clip art Toby has employed on his flier to indicate the country of France? I think that’s a picture of the tower at Kings Island.
Later that night or really whenever, Emily, who is perfecting the art of sleeping without messing up her hair, gets a text message that inspires her to immediately trot downstairs to answer the door for a stranger, because you know, it’s a very safe neighborhood, like Canada.
It’s Paige, soaking wet/dripping like a hot mess with problematic bangs who’s been riding her bicycle around in a thunderstorm at 2am like a crazy person or a girl in a horror movie about to become What You Did Last Summer.
Emily: Paige are you okay?
Emily: What happened?
Paige: You have every reason to hate me, I don’t even know why I’m here.
Luckily, we do. She is here because she has A BIG FAT LESBIAN CRUSH on Emily.
Emily: I don’t hate you.
Paige: I would, I do.
Emily: Don’t say that.
Paige: I’m sorry, Emily. I just wanted you to know that.
Emily: Wait — Paige —
Now Paige is unlocking the biggest secret she’s gotta keep it which is that Emily is not a hater. Emily don’t hate nobody (except maybe Allison). Emily would probably fingerblast those tears right out of Paige’s eyeballs if she could, or maybe let Paige run her moist hands down Emily’s exposed spine in that backless t-shirt, but instead Paige dashes off on her Brian Krakow bicycle into the dark/stormy night.
Is it Emily’s homogayness that makes her so patient/understanding of the inner turmoil beating beneath the breasts of other outsiders like Paige and Toby? Perhaps. She gets how all that hiding and lying can make someone get real mixed-up and mean inside.
The next day at practice, Coach Shark Week tells her baby sharks that the anticipated swim-off will not be happening, just like the Dance-Off and the Bake-Off that got canceled because lesbians ruin everything. No actually it’s apparently because Paige had a little bicycling accident last night because that’s what happens when you try to orgasm by rocking gently against the bicycle seat all the way home from your Lesbian Crush Scavenger Hunt. Or maybe A. did it. You never know.
In any event, my interest has shifted to this underrated actress in the glasses, where’s her scene/lesbian awakening? She looks like a young Deanne Smith.
A hop skip and a waterski-jump later, it’s time to crank up the emo pop-punk and get our swim meet on!
The most important part of this scene is Shay Mitchell’s legs:
Emily glides through the water like a fish in the body of a really cute lesbian. It’s probably a stunt swimming double, but a girl can dream, especially with such DREAMY MUSIC playing. Emily wins, the terrorists lose.
Emily always swims in slow motion, yet she always wins. There’s some queer superpowers for you. Paige and her bangs even make a guest appearance because she is not going to miss the chance to watch Emily swim in a context that does not inspire envy or competition but rather pure, unbridled, closeted lesbian lust.
Later on Emily, wearing one of those athletic swimtunics they’ve always got around at the Olympics, finds Paige soaking her feet in the pool, probably wondering if Emily has ever been toed and if so, by whom.
Emily: You okay? You didn’t return any of my calls.
Paige: I’m fine, it’s nothing. I didn’t know what to say. I was riding home on my bike and totally wiped out.
Emily: What were you thinking about?
Paige: How easy things would be if I wiped out. I’m kinda done with swimming.
Emily: Yeah, I used to feel that way.
Paige: Obviously you got over it — how did you get over it?
Emily: I started swimming for myself, I quit trying to be better than everyone on my team and I just relaxed. When was the last time you swam for fun?
YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS?
SLOW-MOTION SWIMMING MONTAGE!!!!
The sweet sweet sounds of Selena Gomez radiate throughout the aqua-blue building as Paige and Emily set off ‘shipping into the big blue seapool. Emily, still straining to execute a wider range of facial expressions and ultimately failing, takes off her goggles to get a good look at this chick’s assets and everyone gets a little chloriney tingle of expectation in their gut. Maya who?
Also I found some cute tumblrs, like prettylittlepictures, prettylittleliarss, -sparkles, shay mitchell daily and pretty little liars x. Look at all the stuff you can obtain on the internet these days!
COME BACK NEXT WEEK SPOILER ALERT: