Playlist: You Asked Out a Straight Girl

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So, I had an all-new queer girl experience recently. I met this really cute girl at an event on trans visibility hosted by the local college Sexuality and Gender Alliance, and she was funny and kept on complimenting me and I thought she was blushing and it just seemed like we had a really good connection, you know? Then, when I tried asking her out, I found out that she’s totally, completely straight. I mean, really though; if you’re going to an event hosted by an LGBTQ club, maybe you should advertise that you’re straight, right? Still though, my mistake. In my nearly four years of being an out lesbian, this had never happened to me before. How did I read the signals this badly? Why was my gaydar so far off? Why why why?

Still, this happens to a lot of us — like, a lot a lot of us. And we’ve got to laugh it off; what else can we do? I mean, it’s likely to happen again. Sure you might feel embarrassed or foolish right now, but you’ll be back in the game soon. So, if you’re one of those of us lucky enough to know the regret of crushing on a straight girl and asking her out, these songs are for you. I hope they help you feel a little bit better and not so alone about it.

You Asked Out a Straight Girl

Only Fooling Myself – Kate Voegele
Chasing Pavements – Adele
Sorry – Justin Bieber
If I Loved You – Delta Rae
Fuck Was I – Jenny Owen Youngs
Everybody Plays the Fool – The Main Ingredient
Oh My God – Ida Maria
Bad Religion – Frank Ocean
Why Do Fools Fall In Love – Frankie Lymon and the Teenagers
I Hate Myself for Loving You – Joan Jett and The Blackhearts
Oops!… I Did it Again – Britney Spears
A Mistake – Fiona Apple
You Learn – Alanis Morrisette
If I Could Turn Back Time – Cher
Foolish Games – Jewel
Regret – St. Vincent
Ever Fallen in Love (With Someone You Shouldn’t Have) – Buzzcocks
An Honest Mistake – The Bravery


Want to suggest a playlist theme? Hit Stef up and someone on the team might make it for you.

Mey Valdivia Rude is a bisexual Latina trans woman living in Los Angeles. She's a writer, comic consultant and a trans activist. She's a bruja, a femme, a pop princess and she loves comic books, witches, dinosaurs and crying. She has a cat named Sawyer and a very successful twitter.

Mey has written 574 articles for us.

53 Comments

    • I feel like straight people at LGBT events can’t really win. If they are all “I’M STRAIGHT!” then it’s irritating, because you’re like “Why are you announcing it, are you afraid we’re going to hit on you?”

      But then if they don’t, it’s like “Why didn’t you put on your straight badge before I hit on you?” :p

      They could at least learn to be subtle about it and just drop things into the conversation like, “You know, I was really surprised when someone told me Ruth and Idgie weren’t just friends.”

  1. SO ON POINT, AHHHHHH. So blessed to not be the only person in life commuting around on this freaking struggle bus. It’s like, you’re perfect, I’m perfect, the angels sing when you pass and I have every single I Spy book that’s ever been published, why aren’t we making this happen??

    …. OOOOooooooohhhhhhhhh…

    Jenny by Studio Killers is also a favorite.

  2. You mean, these straight women don’t just sleep with you then you realize they’re straight because they have no idea what they’re doing in bed then act totally crazy the next day??? Just me?? Anybody?

  3. Yay to a Fiona Apple song on this playlist! Boo to myself for always falling for and/or hooking up with straight girls. ?

    I’m into femmes exclusively and my ‘dar isn’t all that bad…well, I can say it’s getting better. I’m 28 and I’m still not sure if a woman is casually flirting because they’re into me or just being nice. Like, the other day when I was bringing something back at a store and the salesperson (who I never saw before in my life) and I had a light conversation about tattoos and then she said, “I don’t want to sound like a creeper, but I think I saw you the other day. I recognize your hat and tattoos.” She saw me at a pita restaurant 20 miles away from this store. Was this adorable creature flirting with me?!

      • Guess I have to periodically pop into this American Eagle and see if this cutie is working. I can’t even say I’m a fan of their stuff except for their under things that make me feel good in my skin (Thanks Autostraddle for your famous underwear guide from eons ago! :P) However, I will certainly not buy my undies when this girl is working there! Now that I’ve analyzed the situation and look back on the exchange, she did check off some queer points, but I was caught off guard damnit!

        Why are queer people (myself included) so awkward at flirting? I’m just so lazy, I just want to sit down in a chair like an adorable lesbian Santa Claus and have girls sit on my lap.

  4. This happened to me last week! I met her at the bead store, and she was wearing this adorable retro looking dress, and I asked her if she made it, and she did. She has tattoos all over (geeky ones, too! She has the ship Serenity on her arm). And I was like OH MY GOD your gorgeous, and we talked for a long time and of course I mentioned that I’m Bi and poly, and she casually mentioned her husband, and that she’s straight. But she said, “But you’re really cool, and I have a bunch of friends who would totally be into you.” And we went out to karaoke that night and coffee a couple days later, and she’s my friend now, and turns out we were in district honor choir together in high school (different schools, though) and we had met on a school field trip to Virginia and we had totally flirted on the plane and she told me that she definitely thought I was cute. So, I guess long story short, it helps to compliment strangers in the bead store and tell them you think they’re a goddess because maybe they’re totally cool and will be your new best friend.

    Thanks for the playlist.

  5. Oh, I’ve done this a bunch of times. Casting a wide net, I guess.On the plus side, when I’ve encountered uncertainty in these sorts of situations, it’s turned out that she’s not straight.

    Great playlist!

  6. I’ve had this happen to me on Tinder. ON TINDER. I know I present masculine of center, but it says on my profile that I’m trans and queer and use they/them pronouns! Maybe check that before you flirt with me thinking I’m a cute dude??

      • @needlesandpin I flip flop back and forth on the gender front. When my gender’s set to “female”, the discovery settings are set to show me solely women. When my gender’s set to “male”, the people the discovery setting is set to show me solely men. I think the way it works that you’ll only see the same set of people Tinder is showing you–for instance, when my gender is set to female and discovery set to female, dudes shouldn’t be seeing my profile. I could be wrong about this, I guess, which would explain it.

        It’s just that the straight women on Tinder in my area VASTLY outnumber the queer women. The straight women are either looking for thirds or looking for female friends AND male partners so presumably their settings are for men+women and think that I fall in the “men” category and not the “women” category that they’re trying to make pals with. I TRY to only swipe right on people who mention being gay/bi/pan/queer in their profiles or have rainbows or emojis that spell out being gay/bi/pan/queer, but I don’t always succeed, especially when confronted with cute athletic ladies that I’m convinced are giving off gay vibes but have no confirmation of those vibes.

  7. I need this playlist like, always. My gaydar’s been wonky since I first took it out of the box.

    True story: once I got tipsy at queer lady Sunday brunch and my friend convinced me to leave my number for the waitress. She texted! We had dinner and drinks! She told me about her studies and the motorcycle she was building and an apprenticeship she’d talked her way into and yep, I was pretty smitten.

    At the end of the night, she told me she was straight, and even though she knew I was asking her out and she wasn’t attracted to me like that, she “didn’t want to be closed off to new experiences.” So. Welp. Good for her for exploring, though!

    • Omg I consider that a success just based on the fact that the waitress actually texted you! My best friend convinced me to leave my number for the waitress once and she absolutely did not ever text me. But I’m sorry that your cute waitress turned out to be straight!

      • Oh I feel you, I have left my number for many a cute waitress before (well, like two), and nothing. And I was also disappointed she turned out to be straight, but hey–if I ever need a custom-built motorcycle, I now have a lead.

  8. I’m the straight girl in this equation. Every (well, not EVERY) time I make a rad new girlfriend and I’m all “yay, new friend!!!”, she asks me out, and then I loose my new friend 🙁
    (do you know how hard it is to make a new friend in your 30’s?).
    Sometimes they accept it, sometimes they call me a prude and won’t accept that I was “born this way” (“how do you know if you don’t try?”, “i’ll use a strap-on, you won’t even know the difference”). Most recently it happened while I was in a relationship with a man that they knew about. Another friend bites the dust.
    Please lesbians, just be our friends, you make such good friends.
    🙁

  9. When I go to LGBTQ conferences I actually *don’t* assume that someone isn’t straight … if it’s an LGBTQ event often the T gets left out which I’m afraid is happening here in the assumption that people aren’t straight…

    • well, i mean, i’m a trans woman and the event that I was referencing was a thing where i was speaking about trans visibility, so i wasn’t definitely wasn’t leaving out the T.

      • Well, er, uh, I’m really glad you were speaking about trans visibility, and yes it certain seems you were *not* leaving out the T in the conference generally – this is potentially cisplaining, and I’m asking this to the Autostraddle world, not just you, but isn’t it possible that the assumption that people at an LGBTQ conference are straight leaves out the T? Just because someone is X identity doesn’t mean that they can’t leave out X identity? I am pan and I certainly have said things that leave out pan folks. Asian people have been racist to asian people. Etc. It’s hard to come off respectful online, but, really, with all due respect I don’t know if your comment necessarily is related to “leaving the T out”.

        • i get what you’re saying, and i do think that in a general sense what you’re saying is sometimes true. But in this instance I was talking about a specific person who i knew was cis, and so that’s what I was talking about. Also, i honestly don’t know if I have a problem with ppl assuming that everyone is gay, like, trans ppl can be gay too, you know? like, sometimes it’s just more fun to assume everyone is lgbq, you know?

          • Whoops replied before I saw this – yeah, knowing that she’s cis is a super useful piece of info in this conversation. And I agree – assuming everyone is would date women is totally more fun.

          • I guess I’ve been thinking that I hope this trans woman can get with people at this conference, if she wants to.

            Also that people won’t assume that she is LGB and then her pool of choices is made smaller.

        • If this violates the Comment Policy section C number 6, please please let me know –

          “A member of the oppressor group is not qualified to tell a member of the oppressed group that they’re not entitled to feel oppressed, offended, discriminated against, bothered or threatened by something or someone. (Or empowered by something or someone, for that matter.) A cis person cannot tell a trans person that the trans person’s assessment of transphobia is wrong, a white person cannot tell a person of color that their assessment of racism is wrong. Listen.”

          Otherwise, trying to comment based on issue-based politics (nestled in the context of identity-based politics) aka even though I’m cis and queer I would really like ALL women – incl. straight trans women – to be a part of this community.

          PS. Also T stands for the first letter of my name, not LGB”T”Q.

          • this is a reply to:
            “I guess I’ve been thinking that I hope this trans woman can get with people at this conference, if she wants to.

            Also that people won’t assume that she is LGB and then her pool of choices is made smaller.”

            which, yeah, that’s a totally fair and valid point

  10. Straight Girls! Are so weird! Bless their little hearts but they cause at least 90% of my general confusion in life.

    It doesn’t help that I read as straight to most women so I get a weird insider look at straight girl to straight girl bonding and I go between feeling so very unsure and very nervous because I feel like I’ve accidentally snuck into somewhere I don’t belong and I’m waiting to be found out. It also makes coming out especially difficult because then you get the reaction like you’ve betrayed some straight girl bond or something? IDK but they’re so WEIRD.

    • Yes!! ^^^ It also doesn’t help that straight girl bonding can be pretty… gay?? Like, hugging and holding hands and maybe this is why being friends with straight girls has always made me nervous while being friends with queer girls just feels like normal bonding? Like, drinking whiskey and venting about your sister’s wedding plans and sending pictures of dogs you meet and giving good cuddles and nothing hurts?

      On the other hand, coming out as bi ALWAYS guarantees: 1. Either they bust out of the woodwork as bi, too or 2. They talk about girls they’ve kissed or 3. They talk about girls they’ve hooked up with and it all suits me fine

  11. Four years as an out lesbian and you’ve only asked out one straight woman? Lucky you! I stopped bothering to ask women out for a while because it seemed like every time I took an interest in someone they were in one of three states: 1) Straight, 2) In a relationship, or 3) Both 1 and 2 together. My gaydar has never worked. 🙁

    • Seriously!! It seems like in my city every single cute girl has a boyfriend. I consider myself so lucky to have met my girlfriend because every other girl I’ve ever liked has ended up having a ~boyfriend~

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