Last time we left off the neverending OINTB recaps (we’re so close folks, just hold on, the climax is coming I swear) Taslitz had just shanked the wrong Vee. This ep we get to find out what happens when the storm really hits the fan.

[Sidenote: A big thank you for the framily that helped me inject some much needed humor into this recap during a week I had very little in me. Your words and commentary can make any prison hurricane feel like a slumber party.]

The hurricane once again dominates the opening scene as Frieda tries to justify aforementioned shanking with, “She was only trying to help,” which usually convinces me when I’ve gotten a blade to the gut.

“A little more help and we’d all be dead.”
“She hates wearing her glasses. She says they make her nose look big.”
“You want to be an assassin, vision is a basic requirement. Step 1 pick a person to kill. Step 2 kill that person.”

Good to know I’m still qualified for something if I lose my jobs. THIS IS PROBABLY HOW JENNY GOT KILLED, Y’ALL.

This crack PR team tries to spin it but Red ain’t convinced. Beware of a 79 year old woman who will shank someone she’s never met. But Red proposes a parlay and when Freida asks if we’re all pirates Red shoots back with, “Well, one us has an an octopus (or Portland map) tattoo.”

What do you think this is, The Dream of the Fisherman’s Wife?

The ladies are put to work battening down the hatches in completely useless ways such as taping Xes to windowpanes (is that what we can do with exes? ‘Cause that might be satisfying in a storm) when really there is going to be no stopping the flood, or metaphors, in this rundown facility.

What this show was really missing was some prison guard flirting. Luckily the male Corrections Officer whose name nobody knows calls out to the only female CO left, “Bad news Hurricane Wanda has been downgraded to a tropical storm. The weatherman says you’re getting wider though, you could flatten a few trees when your ass hits land.”

Poussey is sneakin’ the hooch, and I don’t mean Lauren Morelli, and we wonder about the tannin profile of rotting prison fruit. Drunk on (lack of) power she confronts Watson about Vee getting her thrown in the SHU but she’s not ready to hear it yet.

“Something is gonna fuck you, you know,” she says “the system, the man, Vee. At least with Vee you get 10%.” But Poussey is filled with righteous indignation.

Smells like teen spirit

Morello checks in with Chapman about her transfer but it’s not looking too good. She’s out of favors, even for a blonde, and any more from Healy would look “inappropriate.” But you lose sympathy quickly after she says she’s buried on that list with a mom with a new baby and a dozen others and then goes on to talk about the “worst” thing, i.e. her crappy WASP family.

Morello says, “The less time you got the slower it goes,” which also goes for pretty much anytime anyone tries to have a quickie anywhere, right? Maybe if Morello and Chapman were having sex instead of commiserating about Piper’s tragic, difficult life I’d be more entertained.

We’re then reminded that Morello was the first person who was nice to Pipes here at Litchfield and it’s sweet and touching, I guess. I, too, am going to remember that on my bad days. Which has been like every day of October, dear goddess is everyone else as thrilled as I am that Mercury finally got the fuck outta retrograde? Sheesh.

I’m gonna remember this face on my bad days

Meanwhile in the commisary where Vee is running the shop window (and we thought customer service in Portland was bad) Gina gives up the black flag, the international symbol for parlay apparently. Vee, too, thinks the pirate reference is weird. But Gina isn’t here for the banter. She’s just an envoy sent to schedule a secret makeout party in the greenhouse after work.

“Two chicken noodles and a Neosporin.”

End scene.

I may not have an octopus tattoo but I’m fuckin’ serious.

Poussey drunkenly stumbles around and cracks open Vee’s tobaccy shipment boot stompin’ all of it before dousing in bleach. Oh some shit is gonna go down now. (Sidenote: this part, along with all parts showing Poussey in this episode, is SO SAD TO WATCH because Poussey is so beautiful and complex and perfect, and such a damn good friend to Taystee, and no one should be mean to Poussey and she’s hurting so bad and OH MY GOD POUSSEY COME TO PORTLAND WE ARE ALL NICE AND QUEER WE WILL TAKE CARE OF YOU HERE I AM SO SORRY YOU ARE HURTING. We’ll understand and shower you in kisses and hot toddies, though I can’t promise the customer service will be better than what you’re used to.)

I hate chicken noodle soup and Neosporin!

Fig meets with with the worst accountant ever and gets him to overlook irregularities with the promise of a party with Tiki Barber, who I definitely had to look up to even not be excited about.

Bennett tries to have a moment with Diaz but she’s trying to give him the silent treatment. It doesn’t last long though, she can’t hold back about feeling the baby move. And then they continue to have this kinda cute but also very heterosexual baby conversation and I feel so torn, not least because the power dynamic of their relationship really does constitute rape. But OINTB doesn’t really address that and I’m in a bad enough space already so let’s just keep it moving!

Yup, Preparation H sure turned things around for me!

Taystee comes in to find Vee cleaning up the contraband mess herself. And as the conversation descends into just how Vee is going to retaliate against Poussey, Vee’s first and most important child/friend is realizing just how disposable she is. The best way to deal with P is to shove Taystee out. Will she finally come to her senses and realize Vee’s never had her back? Don’t worry Taystee, let’s fade to a flashback.

Back in the past, Vee is hot and restless, but brushes it off. “I sell smack. I’m always worried about something.” But then the realization comes. And what does come of a sexy fifty year old heroin dealer going through menopause? Nothing good. Oh look, there’s RJ, Vee’s other sort-of child! He’s trying to make her feel better about aging by telling her how attractive she is, which is sweet/weird.

“I’m serious, Vee. If you wasn’t practically my mom, I don’t know what might happen.”

Watching flashbacks of a character who we know is now dead is always anxiety-producing, but watching that character interact with a horrifying villain like Vee ups the ante to a level that I can barely handle. I just want to scream at my TV and tell RJ to get the fuck away from Vee and grab Taystee while he’s at it and go live somewhere quiet where the two of them don’t have to deal drugs for a vicious heroin dealer and they can just read to each other in a small library every day, but no, that’s not what’s going to happen because of the awful way our country handles foster care combined with the lack of resources available to homeless POC youth. So instead I have to watch these flashbacks waiting for the part where RJ dies. And the thing is, we all know Vee is going to have something to do with it… I’ll give the OITNB writers something, if they’re hoping to make me wish death upon Vee in next episode’s season finale (or like, right now actually) they’re doing a very good job. Much better than Ilene Chaiken ever did in making me wish Jenny was dead, or Dana for that matter.

Here you go I hope you choke on this chicken wing and die Vee…

Oh okay we’re back at Litchfield and no big deal I am trying not to sob because inmate Ruiz is telling her partner how he has to make sure to talk to the baby, even though she knows he hates talking, because babies need people around to talk to them to help them become humans. I definitely no longer give a shit that Piper is being transferred, would shank a stranger to allow this mom to stay close to her baby and dude.

Not without my daughter

Now we’re back to hanging out with Fig and her obviously gay husband and she just said “sperm” and I just don’t think that word is ever sexy and I never ever want to hear Fig say the word it again, let alone talk about the best way to keep it inside of her. Anyway her husband is a jerk who is obviously out to get his and it’s almost sad to see her try so hard to please someone who so is not there, emotionally. (And I’m totally not projecting.) Also he insults her career and implies that his is more important cause he’s gonna be a fancy senator (not if they catch you embezzling all that cash, dummy!) and she’s just the lowly assistant warden in a prison. And wait, is she having a moment of conscience? Oh no, she just doesn’t want to get caught. Fig, your horribleness, rather mundane mainstream hotness and intensely selfish realness confuse me. Will you marry me? then divorce me? then marry me again? It’s all legal now. Anyhow, closet case is even less interesting, though a good candidate for Outrage 2: The Documentary that Never Ends Because Patriarchy.

Not gay as in happy but queer as in fuck you

Now the toilet is flooding and shit is going to, literally, hit the fan. Black girl bathroom, white girl bathroom, this swirl ain’t no kind of pretty.

Happy Halloween… Don’t go in there!

Vee and Red are at their parlay/makeout party/banter sesh and it’s not that different from anytime any queer runs into an ex they’re not over at that dance party that was supposed to be fun, leading us all to ponder the differences between relationships and friendships and desire and also DEAR LORD PLEASE DO NOT LET VEE KILL RED, SHE IS TOO FANTASTIC TO DIE, REMEMBER WHEN SHE SERVED PIPER A USED TAMPON IN THE FIRST EPISODE? Gosh those were simpler times, no one knew how dark things would get.

Anyway, Vee has found Red’s son via her secret contraband tunnel in the greenhouse that makes no sense but let’s not waste time on reason here, let’s watch Red’s face fall as Vee lets her know she’s found Yuri Reznikov. Poor Yuri, his mom yells at him when he brings her shit through her secret prison tunnel, his mom’s archnemesis might kill him just to prove a point… dude can’t catch a break. Just as Vee is reminding us of how badly she hurt Red last time she was in prison and the two are walking down the well-worn lesbian breakup discussion path of “we were friends!” “we were never friends!” (either way can we do it just one last time?) bickering, the alarm goes off and we’re informed that the weather related emergency is getting DIRE. (I mean we’re on the ground already anyway… just one last time?)

I mean, but, like, were we friends with benefits?

Back to the upsetting dramatic flashback that is literally just a long sequence of everyone holding their breath waiting to see how Vee is responsible for RJ’s death! Oh, here we go. Turns out some cop Vee has a connection with tells her RJ is planning to go into business on his own. MAYBE HE IS BUT THAT IS NOT A REASON TO HAVE HIM KILLED, VEE. I feel like we need to take a step back and reevaluate when it is and when it is not okay to just become an assassin. Cheat sheet: usually never.

The rain is just coming down and down and down in present day Litchfield and probably there is an Indigo Girls song we could reference here but Soso will just sing it for us later so I won’t bother.

Taystee is officially shunned from the slumber party and calls a white girl a kibble-head while Chapman and Nicky defy OSHA regulations by wading through waist deep poop-water only to find the generator is out of whatever makes generators run. I don’t know anything about pumps either… really… but Nicky and I both know about hooch taps and just that little touch of gasoline might make the prison hooch market bigger than Pabst.

Dude where’s my hooch?

When Fig refers to herself as “mama” I get kind of turned on, and I feel weird about it. Just needed to get that off my chest. Anyway we are at Fig’s husband big fundraising situation but Caputo is harassing Fig and calling her six times because he’s soooo needy, oh and also the whole prison is flooding and there are no resources available like oh say, juice in the generators, cause Fig has fucked the entire system trying to get her dumb husband into Senate and he doesn’t even love her and def doesn’t wanna have a baby with her. Seems like an awful lot of trouble to go to for a gay dude who is absolutely gonna leave you as soon as he gets into the Senate, ya know? Priorities. Everyone on this show needs to reevaluate their priorities, along with the handy dandy guide of HOW TO NOT BECOME AN ASSASSIN. Get it together, folks. Reel. it. in.

So, the irony is that Foucault’s analysis of power structures ends up being an argument against the institutions of social inequality. I mean, we talk about this all the time in the locker room.

Back at Litchfield Inmate Rainy Night Sleepover 2K14, Red’s crew and Vee’s crew are eyeing each other warily in the dark. If ever Red and Vee are gonna cop to their feelings and just make out already, tonight’s the night! (My spellcheck tried to autocorrect “makeout” to “make up” which makes more sense, I guess, but I resent Microsoft Word impeding on my fantastical femme slash suggestions. Can’t a queer dream?)

Anyway, Gina points out Team Red is lacking in muscle and makes a joke about challenging the others to a sudoku contest. She is told to watch her tone but I wish she actually had a sudoku book because I’d love to see that contest go down; I love a good game of sudoku. Meanwhile, Team Vee is eyeing Team Red just as warily, but before the Jets and the Sharks can really go up against each other in battle, the walls come down in the form of life’s great equalizer: SHIT.

You see, the building’s pipes are now “compromised by water… meaning there is absolutely no working plumbing whatsoever.” This means everyone’s peeing in a bucket and dumping it outside when it’s full, and no one’s pooping ever again. “What if you gotta number two?” A brave woman asks. “Keep it clenched, ladies,” she is told. And just like that, there is no Team Red or Team Vee. They are all just women being treated horribly and deprived of their basic right to shit.

Yeah so she’s always a grumpy Asian stereotype but I’d be grumpy about pissing in a bucket too.

Just kidding, Red and Vee still totally hate each other and everyone is sleeping with one eye open, but in the meanwhile Soso is here to be almost be bearable. Yes, Soso wants to talk about how this is just like a fun cozy sleepover amongst friends, and for the first time ever this season her weird naive attitude doesn’t grate, but rather I fall in love with her as she sings the 90s hit “Bitch.” OK. “We’re all just women having the shared experience of deprivation. Like the hunger strike but bigger. We SHOULD totally have a sing-along.” I assume by sing-along she means orgy?

Next up is the part where Healy and Pennsatucky talk about Big Boo and ‘Tucky begins her path down the magic road of lesbianing. Y’all, i forgot how fucking perfect this episode is. This is a gem among gems. This is beautiful. This is magic. This is the part where ‘Tucky wants some snacks and then asks if she can have some for Boo and Healy warns her to stay away cause Boo is a big lesbian and she’ll get ya, lesbians always have an agenda and they always wanna get ya, why do you think they’re so hot with such rad haircuts and tattoos, it’s all a ploy to get you in bed. Or, you know, get snacks.

“Um, hey is it okay if I take a few of these for my neighbor? ‘Cause she’s a lesbian, and I just wanna, like, distract her.” Pennsatucky asks… and dammit if this doesn’t work! The only thing that can distract a lesbian from her lesbianism is, indeed, snacks.

Excuse me, is this the Deep Camp Snacks Workshop?

Just kidding, duh, that trope is so tired and annoying but honestly, listening to Healy warn Pennsatucky about his perceived understanding of the goal of all queer ladies is hilarious. “That’s how they get you. Being cool, doing cool things, and before you know it, you’re part of their agenda.” (Well, ok, maybe it is.)

Also Pennsatucky tries to tell Healy that men being in charge has never been all that great for her so actually maybe she will go sleep with Big Boo, don’t mind if she does, but Healy really shows her by pointing out that he is in charge and she is currently eating free cookies sooooo guess what having men in charge of your life totally rocks, duh. I bet the cookies weren’t even good. I bet the girl I’ve been seeing makes way better cookies AND pies, Healy. Just sayin’.

Then OITNB makes all my 90s dreams come true by actually having a Lisa Loeb sing-a-long. Soso you finally did it! I feel like I’m high on nutmeg.

you said that I was naive,
and I thought that I was strong.
I thought, “hey, I can leave, I can leave.”
but now I know that I was wrong, ’cause I missed you.

More flashback with Vee and RJ, truly truly troubling power dynamics and upsetting foreshadowing of where the whole scenario is going. Honestly this is hard to watch because we all know exactly how messed up Vee is and RJ has no idea what’s about to happen… also, ew.

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