In present time at the Litchfield Lesbian Sleepover Singalong Party, Pipes tries to befriend the other inmate who is being transferred with her. The woman, reasonably, doesn’t give a shit about Piper. It’s always satisfying to have Piper put in her place — she doesn’t mean to be so annoying, but damn, how does someone stay so self-involved through two whole seasons in prison?! Girl is a slow learner.
I’m sure someone is gonna tell me how problematic the Pennsatucky/Big Boo friendship/lesbian romance is, and Boo is definitely not one of my favorites this season, what with partaking in gross sex games with Nicky and being a total sellout to Team Red, BUT you guys, let’s be honest, this part is really, really funny. I don’t even know how to make jokes about it because it’s so funny on its own.
‘Tucky wants to know how “this whole agenda thing” works and Boo tells her to keep her voice down cause “this shit is top secret” and then ‘Tucky wants to know if the LESBIANS are gonna let all the men die out and I’m sorry, if you don’t think this entire setup is hilarious you’re probably the kind of person who doesn’t think our MISANDRY t-shirts are hilarious and that’s fine but I just don’t think we have the same sense of humor. Anyway Boo and ‘Tucky are becoming BFFs and talking about eating pussy (or not, cause of God, duh) and I just love it so much. I really do.
I’m not gonna lie, that’s a big part of it…
This is truly the sleepover that keeps on giving.
Team Vee are playing Fuck, Marry, Kill to pass the time. Daya is having an anxiety attack because she feels like her baby can’t breathe and just when you think it can’t get any worse and the CO is just being the most giant asshole you realize he’s actually using a technique to calm her down and it actually works and sometimes there is one tiny ray of sunshine in a dark world. But then you remember the real world and the rain falling outside.
Caputo is on the phone with Fig, who gives zero shits about his plight, probably cause she doesn’t have to worry about (not) shitting in a bucket cause she is at a cocktail party on the Upper West Side drinking with the NY Giants.
Red is casually trying to steal a knife from the kitchen and even though Gloria tries to tell her she’s lost her damn mind (good goddess I love Gloria) Red is adamant. Some revelation is happening here but I really don’t know what it is.
Miss Rosa and Morello share a moment. Now seems like a good time to (FORESHADOWING) remember that Miss Rosa is the best and she deserves a lollipop.
Daya and Bennett have a seriously depressing conversation about their baby and it just drives the point home of how fucked their relationship dynamic is. I can’t make any jokes about this, it’s just really unhappy.
And now back to white girls tripping on nutmeg:
“Do you ever think about why we wear clothes all the time? Like, really think about it?”
“I feel trapped inside my face.”
I think somebody needs some time in the Tripping Shed ladies…
Nutmeg
Oh and now the not-so-lesbian duo of Taystee and Poussey are tasked with saving the books and I’ve never heard anything gayer. Can this friendship be saved? It better be, or else we are all gonna be sad literally forever.
“It was awesome… as far as being deprived of your civil liberties and stuff,” says Yoga Jones of spending time in another prison.
So maybe being transferred won’t be so bad after all? Piper hopes not.
“This place is bullshit.”
They had volleyball I’m telling you VOLLEYBALL!
RED IS GONNA KILL VEE! IT’S ALL HAPPENING! WITH SARAN WRAP! Another creative way to become an assassin.
Red is in the process of killing Vee and she’s giving her props while fighting for her life. And is it death of le petit mort? Because the sounds could go either way. And it all seems so absurd but it’s so serious. Like I don’t know about opposites, balance, whatever.
“We’ve got enough hell in here right?…Truce.”
But that never ends well. Because you literally can NEVER trust Vee. Ever.
You got a joy buzzer in there or what?
Finishing up the world’s most depressing and suspenseful flashbacks in a show that is literally built on delivering depressing and suspenseful flashbacks: RJ and Vee have had sex. As if the mother/son aspect of their relationship would be troubling enough if we all didn’t know that Vee is clearly setting RJ up, and yep, sure enough, a white cop is about to shoot a black boy, and this is how RJ dies, and I suddenly feel a desperate urge to go rescue Taystee (and Suzanne! and everyone, but oh god, Taystee and Suzanne, ugh) from Vee’s grasp.
This scene also made me think about how true to life some of the struggles articulated in OITNB are, and how even though the show does a good job treating these issues seriously and with more care than many other comedies, it is still, at heart, kind of mostly a comedy. And that can make dealing with heavier subject matter (racism, classism, the fucked up entity that is the prison industrial complex — which is not just “heavier subject matter” but obviously “the premise of the whole show”) difficult. Because even though the writers do a good job making us care, is it possible to address a lot of these issues with enough nuance and levity, when for many people in our country and the world these are real problems that ruin lives, not just character arcs and plot devices that we get to invest ourselves in for easily digestible chunks of time via Netflix subscriptions? I’m not sure. Writing about RJ’s murder as a recapper is difficult, and it makes me think about what my friends who have trouble with OITNB are talking about when they speak of the show trivializing real issues. I’m by no means writing off the show as bad, just offering up some food for thought.
I’m everything I am because you love me
To recover from the latest devastating flashback, we have a really beautiful, hard, sad, perfect makeup scene between Taystee and Poussey. It’s intense, and stupid and sad and amazing.
Taystee’s been let down by so many people in her life, and she’s been so mad at Poussey, and she’s got all these walls up, and Poussey isn’t used to being pushed away by Taystee, and she’s also been so mad, but oh my gosh, they are best friends, they are family, they are fucking there for each other, and if Vee thinks she can fuck that up for good she is much, much dumber than she thinks she is. Taystee and Poussey are besties and when they apologize to each other and make up all is right in the world for just one damn second. And let’s all pause and savor that for just a moment before the season finale. Here, I’ve got Kleenex. Who wants a hug?
Tender
Now if only this were the last scene that would be something to hold on to. Instead we’ve got Chapman sneaking into Fig’s office to find a candy stash and some files. Then the lights come on and there’s Caputo. And then there’s the inevitable betrayal by Fig’s husband because he’s gay and/or bi but more importantly because he’s a lying, hypocritical asshole cheater. And then there’s the destroyed greenhouse that Red looks over forlornly. And then there’s Vee… with a coin-filled sock… and a beating. And everything that could be right with the world is also wrong.
Me this week
Also me this week
Inevitable betrayal
And yes, me again this week
Me next week?
Thank goddess we only have one more episode to go.
Pages: 1 2See entire article on one page
” dear goddess is everyone else as thrilled as I am that Mercury finally got the fuck outta retrograde?”
Yes, yes I am. Though I’m not entirely convinced that we’re done with it (regardless of what the sky says).
Word
Gloria is always a breath of fresh air. I wish she had more screen time.
I agree to be honest I wish the whole Latina crew received more screen time. I’d love to know the story behind Yadriel and Maria or how Maritza and Flaca met, or even why Gloria’s daughters don’t visit her.
The run-on sentences in this article make it nearly impossible to read. For example:
“Anyway we are at Fig’s husband big fundraising situation but Caputo is harassing Fig and calling her six times because he’s soooo needy, oh and also the whole prison is flooding and there are no resources available like oh say, juice in the generators, cause Fig has fucked the entire system trying to get her dumb husband into Senate and he doesn’t even love her and def doesn’t wanna have a baby with her.”
“As if the mother/son aspect of their relationship would be troubling enough if we all didn’t know that Vee is clearly setting RJ up, and yep, sure enough, a white cop is about to shoot a black boy, and this is how RJ dies, and I suddenly feel a desperate urge to go rescue Taystee (and Suzanne! and everyone, but oh god, Taystee and Suzanne, ugh) from Vee’s grasp.”
“Taystee’s been let down by so many people in her life, and she’s been so mad at Poussey, and she’s got all these walls up, and Poussey isn’t used to being pushed away by Taystee, and she’s also been so mad, but oh my gosh, they are best friends, they are family, they are fucking there for each other, and if Vee thinks she can fuck that up for good she is much, much dumber than she thinks she is.”
I’m sure this is a deliberate stylistic choice on the part of the writer, but it is very distracting and irritating as a reader.
While season two was a gripping emotional roller coaster I was deeply disappointed that the new faces gracing the prison ( aka Vee, and Soso) were so deeply, excruciatingly unsexy. They were so unsexy they sucked all the sexy out of their respective sex scenes. In an effort to prevent a similar situation in season 3, my suggestions for new characters are as follows:
Clea Duvall as a punky cyber rebel turned hacker with a heart of gold.
Katherine Moennig as a mixed martial artist who’s volatile temper just couldn’t stay confined to the octagon.
Lili Taylor as an ex-marine drill sergeant forced to accept the lowly job of prison guard after a discharge for conduct unbecoming an officer.
*side-eyes this comment so hard*
Nope do not agree.