Hello and welcome to the tenth recap of the third season of Orange is the New Black, a Foo Fighters reunion concert starring the cast of Finding Nemo! Every time I’ve told anybody I’m recapping episode 310, they give me a look of sympathy and despair. Perhaps you are making a sympathy/despair face right now, thinking about you and me and this tangled web we weave together.
A heads-up that if you’d like to avoid reading about the last ten minutes of this episode (which includes sexual assault) then you should skip the last page of this recap.
FLASHBACK! It’s Tiffany’s First Period Day, in which blood gushes from between her legs and her mother informs her that she’s not dying, it’s just “life coming outta ya, like pee.”
Ms. Dogett: Now you’re like a case of pop. You got value. Look, there’s some things you gotta know. Now that you’re a tittin’ and a hairin’ boys are gonna look at you different. And pretty soon they’re gonna treat you different. Best thing is to go on and let ’em do your business, baby. If you’re real lucky most of ‘em will be quick like your Daddy. It’s like a bee sting in and out, over before you knew it was happening.
This will be the first and last time in my life I’ve ever thought, “maybe she should’ve just gone with absitenence-only education.” So this is the world according to The World of The Dogetts: sex is a thing that boys do to girls, and it’s best to just let them do it ’cause it’ll be over soon enough.
Anyhow, Tiffany’s Mom feeds her ice cream and Mountain Dew which I imagine will also come right out of her, like life or pee.
Back in Litchfield, Officer Coates chases Tiffany down to apologize for treating her like an actual dog JUST KIDDING he chases her down to suggest that perhaps his inability to express his feelings about hanging out with Tiffany is what led him to jam his tongue down her throat without permission.
Coates: I’m really sorry if I made you uncomfortable or did anything you didn’t want to do. But maybe you also… did want to? ‘Cause I could be misinterpreting, women are difficult to read sometimes.
Yes, he affirms, he likes her. He likes her likes her. And because of the life she’s lived and where she’s been and what love and men has been to her before now, she feels flattered by this instead of completely disgusted.
Luscheck is really cashing in on that heroin deal.
Out in the yard, the Normites are screaming at the goddesses about their various maladies, like hating papaya, having the same itch for three months and not knowing who A is. Or being confused now that A isn’t Andrew. It’s hard to say.
Poussey: THIS IS STUPID!
Leanne: I’d like this to be a little more group positive, but okay.
Caputo orders them to disband The Breakfast Club and go eat breakfast, which is a big disappointment for Leanne. Maybe they’re having Eggs Benedict in a bag!
In the Mel-Caf, Alex Vause demands Lolly get thrown into psych on the basis of the notebook in which she documents Alex’s every move.
This plan backfires quickly, earning Alex two shots and getting Lolly off the hook.
In the Audio/Visual Entertainment Center, the ladies learn that Judy King is guilty on all counts and therefore could be arriving at Litchfield any minute now to teach them how to make every fall into a Fall Festival.
In the yard, Piper recruits more vulvas for her Panty Project with the help of her Aussie Sidekick, Stellar Stella Shane. Piper and Stella McShaney Shane Stella offer Flaca, Maritza and Maria Ramen flavor packets in exchange for a little of their own Creamy Chicken, delivered from vadge to Whisper Pink Thongs.
Flaca says these prison panties make her butt sad, which’s how my butt felt when Hanes stopped making these. Anyhow, they’re in.
Stella tells Piper she’s hot when she’s closing and goes in to close a smackaroo, but Piper withdraws — not because she’s doing that “guilty, whining tortured cheater thing,” though, because Piper is “not interested in sitting around and analyzing everything [she does] anymore.” Stella’s got her hand on Piper’s nubile neck when Alex rounds the corner, sees it happening, and instead of confronting them, just shakes her head and sighs. Of course this is happening, how could anything else ever happen. How could her and Piper ever work as anything but antagonists who hate how much they’re in love with each other, because it makes them weak, because they define weakness as a lack of self-reliance.
Suzanne’s having a whale of a time walking in a straight line when Maureen shows up to offer up some suggestions for further installments of It’s Two People Connecting With Four Other People and Aliens, by Suzanne Warren.
Mainly, Maureen wants exactly what we always want:
May I suggest that you pander to your audience
with more girl-on-girl stuff
It’s not rocket science
Look, it may not be an exact rhyme, but I’d like that couplet/triplet printed on cardstock and laminated and hand-delivered to the producers of every show ever.
If you need to research the activities
I’d be happy to join you
As I have homo proclivities
Man I bet Ilene Chaiken got poems like this in the mail all the time.
“You don’t have to say anything!” Maureen says, nervously, ‘cause it’d overstimulate and destroy her if she did. But she’ll be in the broom closet later if Suzanne, you know, wants to meet her there. OR WHATEVER.
WELP THIS IS ADORABLE!
Soso tries out the talking cure with Berdie, who tells her it’s normal to be depressed when you’re eating bagged Beef Wellington and sharing a room with an undeveloped tertiary character and all the good books just got burned as part of an arbitrarily designed bedbug prevention program.
Also, says Birdie… maybe Soso can’t make friends ‘cause she’s just not like the other girls. Normally “not like the other girls” would mean “queer,” but this is prison, so.
Red’s in cahoots with Lorena Bobbit, who brings vegetables to her kitchen for non-sexual purposes.
Over in the Trip Advisor Top Traveler’s Pick Visitors Lounge Gloria glares at Sophia visiting with Michael while Morello listens to some chump talk about how he wants to smash his hands into her hair which he hopes will smell like rice pudding. When my girlfriend doesn’t wash her hair for a week, it smells like Doritos?
Michael’s in a bad way, though, stealing cell-phones from his Mom’s desk like he’s A or something, ‘cause she can’t take what’s his. “Nothing is yours. You live by the grace of me,” says Michael’s Mom like a queen. Sophia comes down hard too but Michael’s not having it.
You know when your ex won’t let you go to a thing because whatever, she RSVP’ed before you broke up and can’t you let her have just this one thing and then the whole time it’s happening you’re fantasizing that she’s just having the GREATEST TIME at this thing and it makes you madder and madder the more you think about it even though the funny thing is, your girlfriend is actually having a terrible time at the thing? That’s what Gloria’s doing right now, envying Sophia’s visitation like it’s a jolly musical review and she’s stuck listening to 8-tracks of whales communicating with other whales when she’d really rather be watching her son tap-dance. She misses her kids. Aleida is like, “that’s real,” and is also like, ‘do you want one of mine?”
Tiffany tells Big Boo that hey, maybe she really likes this guy, ‘cause they talk about things and stuff and he hasn’t called her any really bad names quite yet except for that whole dog thing.
Big Boo: Hey maybe next time you could suck his dick, get us an ice cream cake.
Pennsatucky: C’mon you know that would melt before it got here so that’s not a good idea, duh!
FLASHBACK: You know those “parties” in the middle of nowhere that big groups of bored teenagers have because they live in the middle of nowhere and there isn’t jackshit to do besides drink, fuck, do whip-its and make fun of each other? This is one of those parties. I don’t miss these parties.
A tall douchebag compliments Tiffany’s skirt and offers her a six-pack of Mountain Dew in exchange for letting him stick his dick in her, which is an unacceptable valuation that she unfortunately accepts.
He brings her out back and bends her over to get going, and she’s there but not really there, just a vessel, the possessor of a body part her mother told her men would want a piece of. When she gets stung by a bee — an actual bee and an actual bee sting — and lurches away from his hard-on to look at her sting, his inability to give a shit about any piece of her besides her vagina becomes immediately apparent. Pissed and in pain, she returns to the “party” while he yells at her for not letting him finish. I hope somebody runs him over with a truck.
Then there’s this other guy with long-ish hair who maybe cares a little bit and wants to help her cure her sting. He’s new in town and his Dad is as drunk as everybody else’s Dad and his name is Nathan and maybe they could go to a movie sometime?
“What do I gotta do,” she asks, ‘cause that’s all she knows — heterosexual relations are two people getting something from the other, and that “something” is not a movie. But Nathan don’t play like that, he’s like the Caleb of OITNB.