NSFW Sunday: Everyone Wants to Take a Lesbian Purity Test

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“A purity test is a self-graded survey that assesses the participants’ supposed degree of innocence in worldly matters (sex, drugs, deceit, and other activities assumed to be vices), generally on a percentage scale with 100% being the most and 0% being the least “pure”. Online purity tests were among the earliest of Internet memes, popular on Usenet beginning in the early 1980s. However, similar types of tests circulated under various names long before the existence of the Internet.”

The best-known purity test of all time is The Unisex Purity Test, written pre-1980 at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology Baker House. In 1983, Carnegie Mellon produced a 247-question version. Many revisions occured as the internet took off with a 2000-questions long version written in fall ’95.

You may be familiar with the Unisex Omnisexual Purity Test, a 500-question version readily classified as the internet’s most popular purity test.

via pinktacolovers

We’ve been taking these silly tests since the 90’s because it was really the only thing you could do online besides have cybersex with strangers. The questions range from “have you ever engaged in heavy petting above the waist” to “had your head inserted into a urinal or toilet bowl willingly?” or “shaved or shaped your genital pubic hair in a particular design (moons, hearts, diamonds, clovers, etc.)?” or “had sex, oral sex, or [mutual] masturbation with a single type animal more than once? (Alive or dead.)” It gets a bit nasty.

At an Oakland Autostraddlea meetup this weekend, the topic of purity tests came up and we thought it would be fun to write our own for Lezbos. We’re going to stay away from some of the more extreme elements of the original test.

WARNING: Purity Tests are not PC. It’s just for fun. It’s nbd.

As this is a lesbian purity test, unless otherwise specified, the gender of your sexual partner is a person who identifies as a woman (whether cis or trans or whatnot). Use your own definitions. It’s not a real test. It is whatever you want it to be, like drawing with crayons on a blank piece of paper.

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LESBIAN SEX PURITY TEST

Give yourself one percentage point for every NO.

At the end of the test, your number of “nos” indicates how pure you are in the lesbian sexworld. It is possible to answer yes to every question or no to every question. Nothing is mutually exclusive.

The Basics

Have you ever…

1. Held hands or cuddled with a woman you were attracted to?

2. Held hands or cuddled with a woman you were attracted to who was also attracted to you?

3. Gone on a date with a girl?

4. Kissed a woman who identifies their sexual orientation as a lesbian or bisexual or another lady-liking persuasion?

5. Kissed a woman who identifies their sexual orientation as straight?

6. Kissed a woman who identifies as straight but is clearly not straight?

7. Kissed a man who identifies as either bisexual or heterosexual?

8. Kissed a man who identifies as homosexual?

9. Touched a woman from the waist-up in a sexual or intimate way? (clothed or otherwise)

10. Touched a woman from the waist-down in a sexual or intimate way? (clothed or otherwise)

11. Masturbated?

12. Masturbated with a partner? (Mutual masturbation)

13. Masturbated while thinking about Shane?

14. Masturbated while thinking about any other lesbian character on the teevee or in a movie?

15. Had a sleepover (in the same bed) with another lady?

16. Had a sleepover (in the same bed) with another lady which lead to sexual activities?

17. Had a sleepover (in the same bed) with another lady which UNEXPECTEDLY lead to sexual activities?

18. Been in a monogamous relationship with another woman?

19. Been in a polyamorous relationship with at least one other woman?

20. Had an orgasm?

Positons & Styles

via crashpadseries.com

Have you ever …

21. “Dry humped?”

22. Had sex?

23. Scissored?

24. 69’ed?

25. 69’ed successfully?

26. Had anal sex (giver or receiver)?

27. Given or received oral sex?

28. Engaged in sexual activities you would classify as involving bondage and discipline (B&D), dominance and submission (D&s) or  sadism and masochism (S&M)?

29. Used a strap-on or other sex toy during sex?

30. Worn a strap-on during sex?

31. Broken a strap-on or other sex toy during sex?

32. Fingerblasted or been fingerblasted?

33. Driven Hot Wheels over a woman’s clit?

34. Been fisted or fisted someone else?

35. Been involved in a threesome with two other women?

36. Been involved in a threesome with a man and a woman?

37. Been involved in group sex or an orgy?

38. Had phone sex?

39. Had sex with a man?

40. Had an orgasm during partner sex or sexual activities?

Partners

Have you made out, had sex and/or oral sex with…


41 … someone in a position of power over you (teacher, boss, coach) or someone you are in a position of power over?

42 … a sports teammate or opponent?

43 … someone who was in the closet?

44 … a celebrity or a celesbian?

45 … a closeted celebrity or closeted well-known (locally, nationally or internationally) person?

46 … your straight best friend?

47 …. your lesbian best friend?

48 …. your friend’s girlfriend or ex-girlfriend?

49 … a girlfriend?

50 …. more than five other women (not necessarily at the same time)?

51 … more than ten other women (not necessarily at the same time)?

52 … a stranger?

53 … an ex?

54 … someone married to a man?

55 … someone married/civil unionized/domestic partnered/commitment ceremonied to a woman?

56 … a current or former sex worker?

57 … Whitney?

Have you kissed, made out or had sex with someone you met…


58 …at gay conversion camp or other event/gathering/school designed to “cure” you of your homosexuality?

59 … at an all-women’s college?

60 … via Autostraddle (’cause they write for AS, ’cause you met commenting, or at an Autostraddle meetup)?

61 … via tumblr or any other kind of blog?

62 … before you knew you were gay? (as in: you first met this person when you didn’t know you were gay, but hooked up with them later AFTER knowing you were gay)

63 … at school?

64 … at work?

65 … at a bar or club?

Watching & Listening

Have you had sex or made out with someone while listening to…

66 Tegan & Sara?

67 Radiohead or Portishead?

68 Ani DiFranco?

69 Ani DiFranco — on purpose?

Have you ever…

70 Watched straight porn?

71 Watched “lesbian porn” that’s actually really just for straight people?

72 Watched queer lesbian porn made for/by actual lesbians?

73 Read lesbian erotica?

74 Watched porn with a sexual partner?

75 Watched The L Word, Bound, Skins, Gia or another lesbian movie/show with a girl you like in hopes that it will up your chances of getting some?

Location, Location, Location

Have you made out or had sex with someone:

76  … in a bed?

77 … in the bathroom?

78  …when there was a line to use the bathroom?

79  … and gotten kicked out of the bathroom for making out in it?

80 … in a religious building or place of worship?

81 … in a school or University building, whether you’re a student, teacher or random civilian? (dorms don’t count)

82 … in your parents’ house? (whether you live with your parents or not)

83 … on a boat, cruise ship, train or airplane?

84 … at Dinah Shore, The Michigan Womyn’s Music Festival or Rodeo Disco?

85 … on Pride Week or National Coming Out Day?

86 … in a car?

87 … on the beach or in the woods or anywhere that you put yourself at risk of getting dirt, sand or leaves in your ass?

88 … in a hotel or motel room garnered specifically for the purpose of having sex?

89 … while being filmed or filming yourself?

90 … in a body of water (lake, hot tub, etc)?

Etc.

Have you ever had sex while…

91 … you or your partner were on your period?

92 … you or your partner was pregnant?

93 … someone else was watching or having sex in the same room?

94 … in a foreign country?

Have you ever….

95 …had sex with two or more people in a 24-hour period?

96 … licked hummus or chocolate off another woman’s nipples?

97 … had sex or sexual relations while intoxicated with alcohol?

98 … had sex while under the influence of marijuana or other drugs?

99 … had sex while pretending to be sober even though you were not sober at all?

100 … had sex with a car because you mistook it for another elephant?

+

HOW PURE ARE YOU? SHARE YOUR SCORE!

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Assorted Links of the Day:

from queerbrownxx.tumblr.com

Why Lesbian Porn is The Best: “Lumpkin’s porn doesn’t feel dirty. Hot, yes, but dirty, no. And for each video, there is a clip from the actresses talking about their experience on the set. This gives the body parts a real face, the exact opposite of objectification.” (@alternet) (we don’t necessarily agree with all the points in this article but it’s interesting nonetheless)

Why Mainstream Porn Isn’t Ready for Real Sex: “Ladies, there’s a big difference between vaginal grooming for production value and the outright homogenization of pussies.” (@thedemoiselles)

The Twisted World of  “Ex-Girlfriend” Porn: “The inherent violation and lack of consent found in real “revenge porn” makes it some of the more disturbing wallpaper in the world of online porn — but even the fake stuff shines a light on the darker corners of the human sexual psyche.” (@salon)

There’s a fuck yeah Jiz Lee now, did you know? It’s no fuck yeah autostraddle, but it’s pretty rad just the same. (@tumblr)

Sex advice from pro-choice protestors (@nerve)

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Riese

Riese is the 40-year-old Co-Founder and CEO of Autostraddle.com as well as an award-winning writer, video-maker, LGBTQ+ Marketing consultant and aspiring cyber-performance artist who grew up in Michigan, lost her mind in New York and now lives in California. Her work has appeared in nine books including "The Bigger the Better The Tighter The Sweater: 21 Funny Women on Beauty, Body Image & Other Hazards Of Being Female," magazines including Marie Claire and Curve, and all over the web including Nylon, Queerty, Nerve, Bitch, Emily Books and Jezebel. She had a very popular personal blog once upon a time, and then she recapped The L Word, and then she had the idea to make this place, and now here we all are! In 2016, she was nominated for a GLAAD Award for Outstanding Digital Journalism. Follow her on twitter and instagram.

Riese has written 3016 articles for us.

172 Comments

  19. I am 46% pure. But I feel like I should get more points for the sheer volume of times I have done things to Tegan and Sara, including making out with my (then) girlfriend at a Tegan and Sara concert. While on a double date with my gay best friend and her girlfriend.

    That may have been the homosexual moment of my life. And I didn’t even have shrot hair then.

    Reply to This Comment

  24. 67! I’m not toootallly suure because I was counting on my fingers but I seem pretty pure, though I think I’m still on the side of scale where I could wear the frilly white thing and be thrown off the mountain…

    obviously I need to lick chocolate/hummus off a woman’s nipples in a church whilse listening to ani difranco and filming it asap.

    Reply to This Comment

  26. 59% pure. I giggled at the hot wheels suggestion though. Unfortunately the only potentially kinky childhood thing I have are legos at the moment. Based on how much it hurts to step on those things, I don’t think I’ll be putting them anywhere near the naughty bits…

    Reply to This Comment

    • I did this too. A lot. I redid the test three times because I kept doubting my counting/ticking abilities, and got three different scores. I don’t know. I just know I’m purer than I’d like to be :)

      Reply to This Comment

  35. OK – If I’m doing this right I am 48% pure – meaning I got 48 no’s.
    My partner is 51% pure – meaning she got 51 no’s.

    Is that the right way to scale that thing?

    P.S. There is a “got kicked out of a bathroom” but not a “kicked out of a club”…..and that’s all I’m saying about that! :)

    Reply to This Comment

  41. I foresee questions inspired by this test in your formsprings’ futures.

    Example: “OK, so most of the time I really really like her but I’m 15% pure and she’s like 92% pure, and I don’t know but that seems like a VERY big difference. I mean, I think we can make it work, BUT I also think I should just dump that inexperienced mess of a prude. help me?”

    [‘Nos’ I got, by the way: 92]

    Reply to This Comment

    • Let’s make them into math formspring questions:

      I am dating this girl who is 40% pure and I am 15% pure, but she is 3 years younger than me and I was 50% pure 3 years ago (before I found out about tennis camp), so it makes sense that her purity could change too. Thus, assuming an increasing rate of dirtying of 10% per year for her and stagnant rate of dirtying for me, at what point will we be equally disgusting?

      Reply to This Comment

    • I tip my hat to you!
      I feel like I’m not ready for the “craziest semesta eva!” quite yet but I want to be… I’ll have to ease into it.

      Then. Next year. Crazy hugging but wetter times will be had.
      I mean, if the world is gonna end in 2012, right?? I can’t die without ever having done the nasty in a religious building! Just the thought is blasphemous!

      Reply to This Comment

  46. Damn–I need to get out more. I’m 67% pure. There are definitely things I’d like to do on there…but then there are definitely some things I’d rather NOT do.

    Example: Have sex with a man.

    ;-)

    Reply to This Comment

  50. 49 Yes 48 nos and and a few maybes

    ??? is it ok if it wasnt hummus or chocolate??
    it was frosting and me(the nanny)and a few Tball moms were frosting cupcakes for the kids end of Tball party and some how ended up licking frosting off a few moms tits??

    Reply to This Comment

    • Haha yes, you should.

      You should also get bonus points if its a Catholic church and you were participating in the service somehow [altar girl, lector, etc]

      I’m what Kathy Griffin calls a ‘Fallen Catholic’ }:D

      Reply to This Comment

  64. 90% pure.

    Looks like I have a new short term goal: knock off at least 25% from that number by the end of the year…I’ve been too tame and resistant to people trying to corrupt me.

    Easy solution: find a couple of kinky girlfriends willing to have a poly-amorous relationship. :D

    Reply to This Comment

  70. Side note:
    “The best-known purity test of all time is The Unisex Purity Test, written pre-1980 at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology Baker House.”
    I go to MIT, and it was written at Senior House.
    If you went here, you’d understand why this is a huge difference. Think stereotypical college student in Baker, geekysecretsexfiend/stereotypical-MIT-student in senior house.

    Reply to This Comment

    • So, I’m an ’09 here, and back in my (fairly recent) day Senior House still had the purity test linked to their homepage.

      As I remember it, I actually do think that the first purity test was made at Baker, and that there used to be a mention of this at the top of Senior House’s test. It sounds totally counter-intuitive given what Baker is today, but remember this is the dorm that had the first piano drop and is responsible for the huge dining riots in the 50’s (http://tech.mit.edu/V77/PDF/N9.pdf), so it sounds like they’ve had a bit of a culture shift in recent times.

      That said, my memory also says that while the first purity test was made at Baker, it was revamped and, more importantly, unisex-ified and de-heteronormatized by Senior House fairly early in the game.

      And this is all probably more MIT history discussion than anyone else wanted to hear. :)

      Reply to This Comment

  74. 45% is much higher than I think it should be. And really, too many of my yeses were with, uh…men, back in the day. Basically, I need to find me a girlfriend, and fast. Where are you, dream girl, where are you?

    Reply to This Comment

    • Yep, me too! It was really sad.

      I think if I had responded so my answers only applied to women, apart from where it explicitly referred to men in the question, I would have been like 90%
      Yep, we need girlfriends. Like yesterday.

      Reply to This Comment

  78. do i get bonus points because of the fact (I AM NOT KIDDING THIS FREAKED ME OUT) that i spent a summer dating one of the girls who starred in that porn that first link at the bottom there is referring to, i am not kidding, good god

    i probably shouldn’t be saying these things on the internet, should i

    Reply to This Comment

  80. 76%
    And that’s just because I’ve had relationships (if you can call them that) and sex with boys.

    So disappointing. I need a gf asap!
    I’m trying to be all, “wait for the right person and make it special”. But what if that takes til I’m like 30?! I’d die. I don’t think I can wait that long for the girl sex. That’d be like 10 years… oh, gawd!

    Reply to This Comment

  81. 46% but only becuase I am limited in so many ways. I would really like to see that number go down. And I do think age should be a factor in the percentage becuase if you knew how old I am you would see how sad this really is!

    Reply to This Comment

  82. Re #96, about the hummus/chocolate on nipples – does it count if you have a performance art piece that involves women eating sweet toppings off your naked body? It’s not *me* doing the licking per se…

    Reply to This Comment

  87. 42%, not sure how I feel about this. But I have an aunt who is a flaming lesbian and she would be sorely disappointed in me. I suspect she would rate somewhere between a 0-10. I’ll give her the quiz tonight.

    btw: #80 in a religious building or place of worship?

    That one made me LOL.

    I definitely have to ask my Aunt about that one!!!!

    Reply to This Comment

  89. Well, I mamaged to slip in with a 70% that I don’t consider too dishonoring (in high school).

    But really, shouldn’t I get brownie points for the hour-long necking/dry humping with my straight best friend in the nice German exchange student’s foster family’s home? With THREE other half-asleep girls next to us making whale noises and not noticing a thing?

    COME ON.

    PS: That’s the metro line I take every day. Ah, new perspectives!

    Reply to This Comment

  101. 36% …not too bad lol. Some of the things I said no to are things I’ll probably never do [sex with a married woman…you know, married to someone other than me…or think of Shane while masturbating]

    Others though, are things I REALLY WOULD LOVE TO DO, like sex in a foreign country [preferably with a foreign woman]

    Reply to This Comment

  111. 20% pure. Kinda disappointed, was looking for a lower score. Didn’t get some of the pop culture references (um, who? and who? and I don’t think those places exist over here [thank goodness!]).

    There should totally be one that’s “Paused the taking of this test in order to change an answer”, lol.

    Reply to This Comment

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