NSFW Lesbosexy Sunday Knows Orgasm Can Be Elusive

Feature image of Goddess Ixchel and Ray in Crash Pad Series episode 252. All of the photographs in this NSFW Sunday are from Crash Pad. The inclusion of a visual here should not be interpreted as an assertion of the model’s gender identity or sexual orientation. If you’re a photographer or model and think your work would be a good fit for NSFW Sunday, please email carolyn at autostraddle dot com.

Welcome to NSFW Sunday!

Goddess Ixchel and Ray in Crash Pad Series episode 252

Good sex isn’t possible without mindfulness, argues Canadian sex researcher Lori Brotto in a new book on just that. At Jezebel, Brotto discusses women’s desire, why lesbian bed death is a lie, why mindfulness is so essential to good sex, how to actually practice that and more:

“[I]n a non-sexual setting the instructions are, you know, guide your attention to a particular focus, notice all of the sensations that are unfolding, pay attention to the spaces in-between those sensations. Can you describe it in terms of texture and temperature and pressure and vibration?

Once we’ve cultivated that ability to really tune into sensations in general, we can then generalize those same skills to a sexual encounter. While a person is actively engaging in sex, can they actually pay attention to what is happening? Can they notice the increase in physical arousal and can they pay attention to, if they’re with a partner, the sensations of their partner’s body or skin?”

Barbary Rose and Bella Rossi in Crash Pad Series episode 251

Orgasm changes after transition and that’s kinda awesome, writes Shoshana Rosenberg on her findings after interviewing 12 other trans women on sex and intimacy. She notes that, while a few interviewees said they couldn’t come any more, many others had much better orgasms:

“[M]any interviewees describe a significant positive change in orgasms. While they may have become less immediate, or difficult to attain, orgasms have also become more complex and satisfying. This reflects what Julia Serano defines as shifting from ‘boygasms’ to ‘girlgasms’; from short and urgent climaxes to elongated and deeper ones.

This shift in orgasm was also connected to what many of the interviewees describe as an increase in erogenous zones. Spots on the body that had previously had little-to-no association with sex suddenly became focal points of sexual pleasure and play. Necks, thighs, backs and arms were just a few of the body parts that had substantially climbed the ranks of sexually-arousing areas. Some interviewees even described these new erogenous zones overtaking the place of genitalia as a means of achieving pleasure or even orgasm; one person described being able to climax from nipple contact alone.”

Cosmic and Miss Yum in Crash Pad Series episode 246

Submission can act as trauma healing, writes Clementine Morgan at Guts. About her current kinky relationship, they write:

“It is in this context that I connected with my deep deep submissive desires and pleasures which feel so viscerally good and right that I can’t believe I went thirty years without them. It is in this context that I finally stopped shaming myself for being a desperate sub and learned that my submission is a form of trauma magic, a space in which I work through trauma and heal on deep psychological and spiritual levels. It is in this context that I learned that my submission, freely chosen, deeply desired, and carried out in controlled, safe, consensual ways, is a feminist act. My body belongs to me. My pleasure is inherently good. Kink is a space in which I can explore power and powerlessness, themes which were imposed on me my entire life, in a safe and empowering way.”

Cinnamon Maxxine and Amani Luxe in Crash Pad Series episode 243

“And how does one begin a dialogue with the body? By giving what it needs. Pleasure,” writes Brighde Moffat at the Rumpus on kink and dental play and somatic writing: “What I want is not simple. For me, kink is all wrapped up in concerns of, and sometimes disregard for, safety. How I navigate pleasure/pain has a lot to do with both my queerness and survivorhood. Again, switching back and forth, living in the edges. Not easily categorized, nor able to stay put. I think this translates into my writing: a body on the run.”

“The minute you try to pin down sexuality, it’s going to spit in your face,” says artist Marilyn Minter as part of the Cut’s examination of the female nude in contemporary fine art in light of #MeToo.

This week’s Oh Joy Sex Toy covers anal sex preparation, noting that “going the distance with your derrière is all about pacing.”

Wild sex parties are tearing this Colorado community apart.”

Read Banana Yoshimoto’s short story about love after the sex-party circuit, “A Strange Tale From Down by the River,” at Electric Literature.

It’s okay that your partner has had other partners.

If your orgasm is elusive, try changing your approach to sex, writes Dr. Carol Queen:

“Several elements are important for facilitating orgasm. It matters that you’re comfortable, which can mean basic comfort about sex and your relationship, absence of shame or anxiety, or even the temperature of the room. You also need to know what turns you on and be able to communicate it to your partner. Arousal is crucial for achieving orgasm, which is a reflex based on a build-up of pleasurable tension. Time—that is, the duration of stimulation—is an important factor as well, because of this charge-and-release quality of orgasm. You can’t force any of this; you have to get familiar with what works for you and supports your turn-on.”

Sinful Sweetheart and Tramp in Crash Pad Series episode 253

Squirting for the first time can be a surprise, but can also feel like letting go, Heidi Switch tells Broadly, before discussing how to do it:

“The thing about squirting is that you shouldn’t aim for it. I don’t try and squirt, and I don’t try to control it when I do. I just embrace it when it happens. A lot of people think you can squirt on demand, but you can’t. You need to be super-aroused for it to happen.

If you’re squirt-curious, it’s a good idea to practise on your own. Get a G-spot toy, ideally one with a bend in it, and lay down lots of towels on the bed. If you feel like you need to pee, just pee. Really embrace letting go. If it feels good, keep doing it. That way, when you learn what feels good for you—whether its squirting, or something else—when you’re with a lover, you can show them what you can do, and they may like it too.”

Carolyn Yates was the NSFW Editor (2013–2018) and Literary Editor for Autostraddle.com, with bylines in Nylon, Refinery29, The Toast, Bitch, Xtra!, Jezebel, and elsewhere. They live in Los Angeles and also on twitter and instagram.

Carolyn has written 1079 articles for us.

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