Feature image of Aleister Church and Byron Dubois in Crash Pad Series episode 272. All of the photographs in this NSFW Sunday are from the Crash Pad. The inclusion of a visual here should not be interpreted as an assertion of the model’s gender identity or sexual orientation. If you’re a photographer or model and think your work would be a good fit for NSFW Sunday, please email carolyn at autostraddle dot com.
Welcome to NSFW Sunday!
Adina Powers and Scout in Crash Pad Series episode 286
At n+1, Lorelei Lee discussed the war on sex work, her personal experiences in the industry, the issues with anti-sex-work feminism and more:
“In the decade or so since online advertising and social media have become widely available, people in the sex trades have developed online networks for sharing information about client screening and safer work methods, lists of potentially dangerous clients, and information about what kind of legislation or police stings are happening in what cities, where community meetings and rallies and protests are being held, and who has extra cash this month and who needs it. All this information has been lifesaving. Also lifesaving has been our ability to simply connect with each other, to find others with shared experiences, to talk across distances about familial and social rejection, to dream together about what love and labor and solidarity could look like in a world where trading sex makes most people view you as disposable.
But whatever community coalitions we build, whatever work we do to speak about our own lives even when it is dangerous to do so, our voices will continue to be ignored if what we’re trying to say doesn’t fit into preexisting narratives.”
Bambi Belle and Denali Winter in Crash Pad Series episode 280
“Unconscious body language cues can be a sign that someone is interested in you—if you know what to look for,” writes Katie Way at Vice on how mirroring can be a flirting strategy:
“[T]hrow out some kind of gesture and see who copies you. I’d recommend something simple, like crossing or uncrossing your legs, scratching your nose, cracking your knuckles, or even looking pointedly in one direction and seeing who follows your gaze to check out what you’re checking out while you’re getting checked out. Not to brag, but I can make a few guys look out of a train window for no reason on a good day, and I’m not above doing it in the interest of getting a little attention.”
Have trouble communicating during sex? Sex therapist Vanesa Marin recommends addressing any outstanding sexual trauma, figuring out what you like, talking about sex outside of the bedroom in low-pressure situations, talking about sex right after you’ve had some, and more.
Twitter porn is the new Tumblr porn.
“Enjoy these vintage booklets about menstruation.”
It’s hard to open an abortion clinic.
Golden Curlz and Vivienne Vai in Crash Pad Series episode 273
If your head and your genitals don’t line up around wanting to have sex, it’s called arousal non-concordance and it can be a headfuck. (Spoiler alert: your head is what counts.):
“Our mouths water when we are hungry, our palms pool with sweat when we get nervous, and our arm hairs stand up straight when we hear the opening chords to Fleetwood Mac’s “Silver Springs.” Yet when it comes to intimacy, we regard bodily response as something more than just an involuntary reaction to sexual stimuli. We treat it as a sudden unveiling of our secret desires, proof that your partner finds you attractive, a nonverbal “hell yes!” when in reality your genitalia might not match up with your experience of pleasure at all.
Arousal (bodily response), pleasure (actual subjective enjoyment), desire (the act of wanting something), and consent (saying yes or no) are all overlapping but completely different terms. Regardless of perceived pleasure, the only actual way to discern whether or not someone is enjoying themselves and consenting every step of the way is enthusiastic verbal communication.”
Stop worrying about “why” women orgasm.
Maggie McMuffin and Tender Furiosa in Crash Pad Series episode 295
When a partner goes through a financial rough patch, it can be hard to know how to help. Mel recommends figuring out your own financial picture before offering anything, and then if you do help them figuring out whether it’s a gift or loan, how long it will be for and how often you’ll check in. Then:
“[I]f you can, Klontz suggests looking at your help as a gift, rather than a loan that needs to be paid back. “If you’re going to be offering some financial support, at some level, you need to be willing to let go of what the person decides to do with it,” he says. “For example, if you’re going to pay more of the rent, and then you see your partner, in their depression, go to the mall and buy new shoes, how are you going to feel about that? If you’re going to resent them, you really need to have a conversation upfront.”
“If you can come from a place of not needing to get paid back,” Klontz continues, “that’s a helpful framing, because ultimately you’re never going to be able to control whether your partner pays you back or in which order they pay you back. Money being lent is best lent when there are zero strings attached and you’re okay with them not paying you back.””
Oof second the no strings money expectations. Supporting a partner financially is fraught with emotional danger, and loading up with expectations of recompense leads to lots of hurt feelings. Give what help you can and write it off. If you get some back later, great, but don’t hold it over their heads. That said, don’t get taken advantage of either.
Yeah, I’ve experienced both extremes of this (partners who took advantage of me financially, and a partner who I had to spend months convincing that we’d both be better of if she’d let me help her out a bit) and neither scenario is a lot of fun. It’s odd because people will happily accept actual purchased gifts and other expressions of love and support, but money has all of this pride and shame and ego attached to it.
Oof, that arousal non-concordance article was an intense read, but an important one. I almost feel sometimes like some of my physiological responses try as hard as they can to be contrary and only happen when I extremely don’t want them to (especially blushing, which I get from social anxiety and then worry that people are going to misinterpret it).
I was JUST thinking about arousal non-concordance the other day! I didn’t know there was a name for that!!