My Girlfriend Installed My Bidet While I Cheered Her On: A Love Story

When I moved in with my girlfriend at the beginning of this year, the very first thing I did was buy a bidet. I’d wanted one forever but had never quite felt comfortable ordering one when I lived with housemates. I knew in theory it was totally fine to share a bidet with anyone, obviously, but in practice bringing it up felt overwhelming. What if they didn’t want a bidet? What if the bidet somehow got very dirty and I ended up having to clean someone else’s poop off of it? What if they thought I was ridiculous for wanting a stream of warm, luxurious water to squirt into my butthole after every bathroom experience? I just couldn’t get a bidet when I was living with friends and strangers and potential enemies, aka, housemates.

But when I started to live with a partner (for the very first time!) I realized that the sparkly possibility of owning my own bidet could finally become a reality.

While they’ve been popular outside of the USA for centuries, I can say anecdotally that 2020 was the year all my friends got into bidets. I don’t know if it was lockdown, toilet paper shortages, aggressive Instagram advertising, a rise in anal sex, or some combination of these variables, but suddenly it seemed like every queer I knew owned a bidet and was loving it. I hesitated for a moment, but only a moment.

I, like many queers, have a lot of problems with poop. A bidet — something specifically created to help clean your anus — does seem particularly well suited to our people. I say I have IBS but that’s not a formal diagnosis — it just means I’m sensitive to dairy, had a parasite in 2015 that never really fully resolved, occasionally have to lie in bed not moving at all and trying not to cry because when I shift my body I’m in so much intestinal pain it feels like my very hard and gas-filled stomach might pop open, and I can’t eat cheese on a camping trip because of my aforementioned dairy sensitivity. So like, pretty regular! Just your average hot dyke with self-diagnosed IBS! Nothing to see here!

My girlfriend was delighted when I told her I wanted a bidet, and I ordered one swiftly. I did quite a lot of research into different options but ultimately decided to go with the Tushy toilet attachment. Tushy’s marketing is sleek and it is the bidet of choice amongst Millennial Queers. It also boasts that it’s easy to install, but I wasn’t super worried about that — installing bidets is definitely one of the jobs that falls solidly under My Girlfriend’s Domain in our home. She’s handy and fearless, so I wasn’t concerned about the installation process. I hit “buy” and waited for my butthole cleaning device to arrive.

It did arrive swiftly, in a nondescript slim brown box delivered to our front door. I gleefully told my girlfriend it was here, and she celebrated with me, and then… the bidet sat in our kitchen, in the spot where we leave packages, for weeks. Every few days I’d ask my girlfriend to install the bidet and she’d say yes, of course she would, and then she… wouldn’t.

I have to explain to you, this is very bizarre behavior. My girlfriend is a real go getter. She likes to get things done. Whatever the opposite of procrastinating is, that’s what she likes to do when it comes to household tasks. I’ll suggest we change the sheets at some point over the weekend, and she’s done it at 5:03pm on Friday after work. I’ll ask if she can hang a hook for my plant some time, not urgent, and before I’m finished making the request the hook is in the ceiling. She’s generous and capable and extremely into making me happy, and putting off a household task — especially one that will aid in my comfort when it comes to anal! — is just really unlike her. But I didn’t push it, and I waited patiently for the day she would finally install the bidet.

I waited. And waited. And waited. And waited.

Finally, I started to suspect that maybe something was going on.

“Baby,” I asked tentatively one morning, “do you think you… feel a little intimidated by the bidet?”

She looked sheepish, then nodded.

“Have you been putting off installing the bidet for three months because you’re worried it’s going to be too hard?”

She nodded again.

My girlfriend hates not being good at something, and it dawned on me that she was worried she was going to not be good at installing our bidet, even though the instructions said it was easy. I had ordered the model that allows one to use hot water instead of freezing cold water, and it requires being hooked up to our sink pipe, and the pipe is challenging to get to, and like I said, this whole thing is extremely outside of my job description — so I totally understood being a little bit nervous. I wanted to help.

“Would it be helpful if I cheered you on and gave you a lot of positive reinforcement as you install the bidet?”

“Yes!” she responded, delighted. “That would be very helpful!”

So that’s exactly what we did. My girlfriend, handy dream babe that she is, gathered her tools and her courage and took to the bathroom to install the bidet, and I popped in every so often to praise her and her efforts and ooohhhh and ahhhh over her progress. When she was done she called me to the toilet to try it out, and after the powerful stream of water was done ricocheting off my asshole, I turned the bidet off and gave my girlfriend a standing ovation.

“You’re my dream girl,” I told her. “And this is my dream bidet.”

“Dreams really do come true,” she said.

Just kidding, she didn’t say that. But it’s true, they do!


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Vanessa

Vanessa is a writer, a teacher, and the community editor at Autostraddle. She used to be hot and fun but now she’s mostly hot and sad. Find her on twitter and instagram.

Vanessa has written 379 articles for us.

13 Comments

  1. This is so timely as I am about to buy and install my first bidet! Which makes me think of a series that I would looooove to see on Autostraddle: handyperson tips! I’m a first-time homeowner, and I am very much figuring out everything on the fly. Think of the angles: the basics, being a DIY femme and navigating the mansplainers at Home Depot, how to navigate home repairs in both a communal and solo living situation…the possibilities are endless!

  2. I purchased my first bidet last year and every home should have one. My only regret is that I didn’t get one sooner. I got the BioBidet Prodigy Smart Toilet P700 and it’s great, but there are a lot of good ones out there. Mine has a heated seat and heated water. Along with controlling the water and seat temperature, I can control the water pressure, too. I got a contractor to install it. It was a first for him to install and he had no problems. Had to add an electrical outlet near the toilet but it wasn’t a challenge. Some features you may want to consider when purchasing; heated water, heated seat, night light, automatic flush, automating seat raising, water pressure control, ability to 2 or more settings in case more than one person uses the bidet. It’s well worth having.

  3. I also got the tushy bidet (2 – 1 for each bathroom). Install took about 12 minutes but I had to get my wife to help because I couldn’t get it tight enough left handed. Left handed wife to the rescue. Love the bidet.

  4. I’m also a millennial who got a bidet in the past year. One thing I don’t see people talking about is that it’s great for cleaning up when menstruating too! Have to adjust the angle of the bidet and my body a bit but it’s been awesome for that, really beats getting in the shower or trying to use wet wads of toilet paper lol.

  5. I would like one… But the logistics of hooking it up to a hot water line (which seems pretty far away) and thinking straight up cold water might be too much for my nethers has meant I haven’t taken the plunge. Do you folks deal ok with the cold water? Or how did you overcome the hot water line situation?

    • I got the Tushy one that does hot and cold water. But hooking it up the sink line would have required more modification to a home we are renting than I wanted to do so I just stick with the cold water. At first it was a like shocking but I got used to it pretty quick. It also helps I’m in AZ and it’s hot so the water isn’t freezing most of the time.

      • My sink was way too far away from the toilet and I really wanted the Brondell Swash 1400, so I had an electrical outlet installed near my toilet to solve this problem. The bidet has all kinds of neat features and my wife and I are so happy we bought it. I purchased it before getting top surgery and it really helped me be more independent while I was healing. *Important note: make sure you measure your toilet correctly for the bidet you are installing! I ended up having a whole new toilet installed to fit the bidet I had committed to.

    • Mine is only hooked up to cold water and I kinda like it that way! It felt so cold the first few days (I installed it in the winter), but once I got used to it, not so bad. It is nice and refreshing in the summer heat though!
      I recommend getting a cheap cold-only attachment to see if you like it, or if you want the hot water, and then upgrading as necessary.

  6. I knew hooking a bidet to the hot water line under the sink and inside the cabinet was beyond my skill level so I bought one that uses only cold. It came with good instructions and I installed it myself in less than 20 minutes.

    The temperature is fine. Remember, it’s not refrigerated or anything, it just isn’t heated. Even if I had connected to the hot water, it would be this temperature until it warmed up (I don’t know about your water heater but the one in my house does not heat instantly), by which time I’d likely be done rinsing anyway.

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