Listling Without Commentary: Headlines About Judgment Day

Wow, World. Good job with the news! No but this is funny — I live in Oakland, the HQ of this Rapture operation. I had NO IDEA that anybody else in the world knew anything about the billboard I’ve been biking past since I moved here. But apparently it’s a thing! EVERYWHERE! Here’s a selection of the 5,000,000 headlines of the 5,000,000 articles/posts published yesterday by upstanding news outlets all over the world:

1. Last Supper Meal Ideas Before the “Rapture” Hits

2. 17 Doomsday T-Shirts

3. If Apocalypse Comes, what happens to football

4. Apocalypse Owww

5. It’s the End of the World As We Know it! What’s On Your Bucket List?

6. Eight Drinks to Toast Armageddon

7. Stoner Jesus Reacts To The “Coming Rapture”


9. May 21, 2011: What Will the Weather Be on Judgment Day?

10. Americans Ready Amid Fear the End is Near

11. 10 Things IT Groups Need to Know About the Rapture

12. Celebrities Respond to the Rapture

13. 5 Smartphone Apps You Need to Try Before the Rapture

14. So The Rapture Is Saturday — Luckily The Grey’s Anatomy Finale Was Last Night

15. Celebrating Doomsday in Song

16. If Your Pets Are Left Behind at the Rapture

17. Rapture: Money Opportunities for Judgment Day

18. Is Harold Camping’s Doomsday Affecting Your Travel Plans?

19. 4 Social Media Tools & Tips for the Rapture

20. Yes, It’s Another Rapture Story

21. World to End Saturday — Now Russians Know It Too

20. My Last Column

23. Doomsday: It’s the Gay’s Fault

Riese is the 37-year-old CEO, CFO and Editor-in-Chief of as well as an award-winning writer, blogger, fictionist, copywriter, video-maker, low-key Jewish power lesbian and aspiring cyber-performance artist who grew up in Michigan, lost her mind in New York and then headed West. Her work has appeared in nine books including "The Bigger the Better The Tighter The Sweater: 21 Funny Women on Beauty, Body Image & Other Hazards Of Being Female," magazines including Marie Claire and Curve, and all over the web including Nylon, Queerty, Nerve, Bitch, Emily Books and Jezebel. She had a very popular personal blog once upon a time, and then she recapped The L Word, and then she had the idea to make this place, and now here we all are! In 2016, she was nominated for a GLAAD Award for Outstanding Digital Journalism. Follow her on twitter and instagram.

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    • I like that it’s “Gay’s” instead of “Gays”. Not sure if that is the original or an oops from here, but I still find it amusing. Damn that one gay! If only we knew which one of us it was, we could find them and have a proper judgement day party with armageddon drinks, smartphone apps, and doomsday songs.

  1. Not to nitpick, but shouldn’t #23 be “It’s the Gays’ Fault”? I mean, since it’s all of our collective fault, and not just one person named Gay?

    Nitpicking is probably why I got left behind.

  2. #16. Did you know you can pay people so they can take care of your pets in case you are not saved..

    Which is weird ’cause if only 2% of the people are saved, what are the odds that these people will live to take care of your pets?

    Also when I read #21 and the next was #20, I thought.. Oh no, countdown begins..

    • The rapture thing is that you’re taken up to heaven isn’t it? (The Left Behind books were somewhere in my past) So the idea is that you’ll go up to heaven and a non-believer will still be on earth and care for your dog or cat or pet alligator or whatever. I also feel like Aslan factors in here somewhere.

  3. My friend just had the best idea on facebook-> “Kinda want to fill blow-up dolls with helium and release them so people think the rapture has started. :)” ….Quick, everyone run to your local blow up doll/helium emporium and we’ll go and piss off some crazy fundamentalist christians!

  4. i feel as though the designer poster didn’t clearly think through his artistic choices. he’s just asking for a 14-year-old to spray paint poo under the praying[?] man.

  5. I am so glad this will be over soon. Everyone’s comment to everything for the past week has been “Well it doesn’t matter since the world is ending Saturday.” It wasn’t that funny the first time, definitely not funny the following 86 times.

    • oh man, Y2K was pretty epic, and you could buy those little clocks that countdown till the actual moment. I’m sure my dad still has one around that’s perpetually counting down to Y2K of the past because it couldn’t handle the lack of world ending.

  6. What’s up with that Rasputin quote? Not that I don’t have a sneaking respect for Rasputin, but it seems a little out of character for the kind of people who go around putting up billboards about the Rapture. Don’t those people tend to be against sin, as a general priniciple?

  7. Pingback: Parting is Such Sassy Sorrow | adventuresundays

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