As we exist only within the most radical fringes of independent, bohemian, post-capitalist society, we frequently find ourselves unable to have any feelings about The Oscars. Because it costs three gabillion dollars to make a movie these days, cinemas tend to specialize in movies that three gatrillion people will want to see. As aforementioned, we are radical lezzy commies and have no appreciation for such mainstream things. We would rather just watch the Julie & Brandy In Your Box Office version.
So! We have re-vamped the Oscars to best suit our purposes and provided our own nominations here for our own Awsker office pool. These selections were selected by a complicated formula that included asking everyone at Autostraddle which movies they liked this year (it turns out everyone DID see The King’s Speech, who knew) (Also, apparently Riese was the only one unable to enjoy/sit through Inception because every 30 seconds she had to yell about how this or that two minutes/30 seconds of unnecessary special effects spectacle could’ve fed the entire continent of Africa and brought arts education back into our nation’s underperforming schools), remembering people talking about movies last year, looking at the actual Oscar nominations, and glancing at RottonTomatoes.com.
You can vote in the comments, and whichever movie wins will have the pleasure of winning.
You are also welcome to say things like “HOW COULD YOU LEAVE OUT NANNY MCPHEE RETURNS???!!!!!” with as much punctuation as possible.
So we present the 82nd Annual Awsker Awards:
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Best Documentary
Exit Through the Gift Shop
The Tillman Story (site)
Waiting for Superman (site)
Inside Job
Joan Rivers: A Piece of Work (site)
8: The Mormon Proposition
Waste Land (site)
Casino Jack and the United States of Money
Marwencol (site)
Soundtrack for a Revolution (site)
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Best Picture
The Kids Are All Right
The Runaways
Howl
The Social Network
Inception
The Town
Scott Pilgrim vs. The World
Black Swan
Another Movie
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Best Picture Primarily Marketed Towards Children
Megamind 3D
Toy Story 3
Kick-Ass
Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows
Alice in Wonderland
How to Train Your Dragon
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Best Actress
Annette Bening – The Kids Are All Right
Halle Berry – Frankie & Alice
Natalie Portman – Black Swan
Mia Wasikowska – Alice in Wonderland
Emma Watson – Harry Potter and The Deathly Hallows
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Best Actor
Daniel Radcliffe – Harry Potter and The Deathly Hallows
Colin Firth – The King’s Speech
Jesse Eisenberg – The Social Network
James Franco – Howl and probably also 127 Hours
Anthony Mackie – Night Catches Us
NEXT: Supporters, directors, writers, female-friendliness, Julie & Brandy, and the worst movie of the year.
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Best Supporting Actress
Julianne Moore – The Kids Are All Right
Loretta Devine – For Colored Girls
Anika Noni Rose – For Colored Girls
Melissa Leo – The Fighter
Jamara Griffin – Night Catches Us
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Best Supporting Actor
Christian Bale – The Fighter
Justin Timberlake – The Social Network
Michael Ealy – For Colored Girls
Mark Ruffalo – The Kids Are All Right
Jeremy Renner – The Town
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Best Writing
Tanya Hamilton – Night Catches Us
Aaron Sorkin – The Social Network
Lisa Cholodenko and Stuart Blumberg – The Kids Are All Right
Debra Granik and Anne Rosellini – Winter’s Bone
Christopher Nolan – Inception
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Best Director
Lisa Cholodenko – The Kids are All Right
Floria Sigismondi – The Runaways
Tom Hooper – The King’s Speech
David Fincher – The Social Network
John Cameron Mitchell – Rabbit Hole
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Stupidest/Most Disappointing Movie of the Year:
Room in Rome
Sex and the City 2
Shutter Island
Twilight Saga: Eclipse
Bitch Slap!
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Most Lady-Friendly Film of the Year
The Runaways
The Kids Are All Right
Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows
Salt
Alice in Wonderland
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Best Julie & Brandy Version of a Feature Film
(awarded to the best movie re-enactment from Autostraddle’s hit web-series Julie & Brandy In Your Box Office)
Sex and the Shitty 2
Shitter Island
The Runagays
Hot Sub Prime Machine
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We’re making this easy for you — you can just copy-paste this into your comment and fill in your picks! We’ll tally up later tonight after the “real” “Oscars.”
Best Documentary
Best Picture
Best Picture Marketed Primarily Towards Children
Best Actress
Best Supporting Actress
Best Actor
Best Supporting Actor
Best Writing
Best Director
Most Disappointing
Most Lady-Friendly Film
Best Julie & Brandy Version of a Feature Film
Comments
HOW WAS TANGLED NOT NOMINATED??!!!??! best child friendly lady positive hidden feminist vagenda film of the year. Best Documentary:Harry Potter
Best Picture:Harry Potter
Best Picture Marketed Primarily Towards Children:Harry Potter
Best Actress:Harry Potter
Best Supporting Actress:Harry Potter
Best Actor:Harry Potter
Best Supporting Actor:Harry Potter
Best Writing:Harry Potter
Best Director:Harry Potter
Most Disappointing:Everything Not Harry Potter
Most Lady-Friendly Film:Harry Potter
Best Julie & Brandy Version of a Feature Film:Should be Harry Potter
Considering that Emily writes them, I smell a comment award coming your way.
HAHAHAHAHA
Did people like “the kids are alright”. It annoyed me. I liked the singing of Joni Mitchell but the hole he can f’ her but she couldn’t….annoying. Maybe I missed something.
I didn’t, couldn’t even finish watching the movie.
i liked it but definitely didn’t think it deserved a nomination. can someone tell me why it was nominated?
because all the other movies that came out last year were even worse
good point.
I didn’t see The Kids Are Alright but why in the world hasn’t Julianne Moore won an Oscar for past films?
Really don’t expect anyone to know just had to vent.
given all the online commentary, by the time i got around to watching it, it was better than i expected
i actually feel the same.
it was solid. there was nothing wrong with it. it was a solid story, good characters, beliveable, realistic, honest, moving at times. it was everything any movie should be. but not all movies are that, really, almost never
Best Documentary
Best Picture: Black Swan
Best Picture Marketed Primarily Towards Children: Alice In Wonderland
Best Actress: Natalie Portman in Black Swan
Best Actor: James Franco
Best Documentary: The Mormon Proposition 8
Best Picture Marketed Primarily Towards Children
Best Supporting Actress: Anika Noni Rose in For Colored Girls
Best Supporting Actor: Michael Ealy in For Colored Girls
Best Writing: Winter’s Bone
Best Director: That Chick directing the Runaways
Most Disappointing: Anything Twighlight is Disappointing/stupid. Why was Bitch slap even in this?
Most Lady-Friendly Film
Best Julie & Brandy Version of a Feature Film
Apparently, we don’t watch the same movies.
Best documentary: Waste Land
In other news, I vote for Natalie Portman and James Franco as the prettiest people in American cinemas.
Best Documentary: Waiting For Superman
Best Picture: Black Swan
Best Picture Marketed Primarily Towards Children: Harry Potter
RANT: HELLO, autostraddle, did you not see Despicable Me? Did you not want the the fluffy unicorn? Or the squishy yellow minions? What is this?
Best Actress: Natalie Portman
Best Supporting Actress: Melissa Leo
Best Actor: Daniel Radcliffe
Other Rant: Actually, he gets the award for “most improved actor”
Best Supporting Actor: Christian Bale
Best Writing: A book. Any book.
Best Director: David Yates, Harry Potter
Most Disappointing: Twilight
Most Lady-Friendly Film: Love and Other Drugs. Because Anne Hathaway is a goddess. Not actually a feminist film. I just like topless girls sometimes. Shoot me.
RANT: HELLO, autostraddle, did you not see Despicable Me? Did you not
want the the fluffy unicorn? Or the squishy yellow minions? What is this?
Yes. I saw that bitch. And I laughed so hard that I cried and wanted to die. That whole movie was my favourite part of any movie in all of last year.
wow people are actually yelling. that’s cute.
Best Julie & Brandy Version of a Feature Film: RUNAGAYS
Seconded. On the Runagays. That’s what my iTunes playlist of Runaways music is called.
I think I’ve rewatched the In Your Box Office Runagays as much as I’ve rewatched the Runaways and that’s alot.
(almost as much as I re-read a certain Hyperbole and a Half….)
What?!? Harry Potter is primarily targeted towards children????
But, there is B-L-O-O-D!
So appropriate to children, I mean, check this: http://www.twitpic.com/2x35pu
is bitch slap a porn? surely it is??
we had a big party at carly’s to watch BITCH SLAP! and write about it for autostraddle but it was soo so so so so so so terrible that I think I had to stop typing altogether about 10 minutes in and start writing a daily fix
My girlfriend and I bought it as a joke to one of the girls in our “straight-girl friends group” for her 18th birthday.
They all refused to look us in the eyes afterwards.
Best Julie & Brandy Version of a Feature Film – The Runagays!!
I think Julie & Brandy should host the Oscars.
YES THEY SHOULD.
Someone get on that.
Best Documentary – Casino Jack and the United States of Money
Best Picture – Social Network
Best Picture Marketed Primarily Towards Children – IDK
Best Actress – Annette Benning
Best Supporting Actress – Lorretta Devine
Best Actor – write-in for Jayden Smith, The Karate Kid
Best Supporting Actor – idk
Best Writing – the nicest thing
Best Director – lisa chodakeananeo
Most Disappointing – Room in Rome
Most Lady-Friendly Film – Runaways
Best Julie & Brandy Version of a Feature Film – Sex & The City 2
omg Riese. That brought a tear to our eye. Thank you for writing Nicest Thing.
Here goes.
Best Documentary- Exit thru the Giftshop
Best Picture- Scott Pilgrim VS The World
Best Picture Marketed Primarily Towards Children- The Bieber Doc
Best Actress- Annette Benning
Best Supporting Actress- Amy Adams
Best Actor- Gross. We hate Actors. Geoffrey Rush?
Best Supporting Actor- Gross. We hate supporting actors even more. We’d probably vote for that dude who played the Winklevoss Twins in the Facebook
Best Writing- Us. Nicest Thing. :-)
Best Director- Floria Sigismondi
Most Disappointing- EVERY MOVIE WAS SO BAD. Black Swan
Most Lady-Friendly Film- Runaways
Best Julie & Brandy Version of a Feature Film- Sex & the Shitty 2
xoxoxooxoox
My one bias: anything involving a mind fuck or any movie that, after seeing you can’t help but continue to say “whhhhaaattt the fucccck?”
Best Documentary- tie: The Tillman Story (Srrrsly America?) and Waiting for Superman (Are you serious America??)
Best Picture- Black Swan (see above bias)
Best Picture Marketed Primarily Towards Children: Toy Story 3, mainly cause the only “kids” I saw seeing Alice and Wonderland were on mushrooms.
Best Actress: Hallllleeee Berry, Halle Berry
Best Supporting Actress: Melisa Leo
Best Actor: James Franco…I would say he’s so much like James Dean that I have no choice but to vote for him but I feel like that may jinx the whole living longer than James Dean thing he has going on.
Best Supporting Actor: Christian Bale…he’s batman so…he can do anything.
Best Writing: Inception cause my mind was so fucked over!
Best Director: David Fincher is the greatest director ever.
Most Disappointing: Shutter Island…Leo did me wrong with that one.
Most Lady-Friendly Film: Harry Potter…what girl doesn’t wanna fuck Emma Watson?
Best Julie & Brandy Version of a Feature Film: Hot Sub Prime Machine, for their follow up talk about how many homo jokes there were in that movie. there were sooo many!
Best Documentary- Waiting for Superman
Best Picture- Howl
Best Picture Marketed Primarily Towards Children- Toy Story 3
Best Actress- Natalie Portman
Best Supporting Actress- ?
Best Actor- James Franco
Best Supporting Actor- ?
Best Writing – Winter’s Bone
Best Director- Floria Sigismondi
Most Disappointing- Haven’t seen any of these, I’m gonna go with Twilight because sparkly vampires? Really?
Most Lady-Friendly Film- The Runaways
Best Julie & Brandy Version of a Feature Film- Why wasn’t Avatar on this list? AVATAR
Best Supporting Actress – Hailee Steinfeld (in True Grit)
I found her rendition of Mattie Ross/the “harpy in pants” to be most satisfactory.
And I was going to add something like “Steinfeld as Ross made the 14-year-old me realize she was gay, retroactive homorecruitment-style” but then I decided against it, in case that gave people a wrong, creepy impression about the present me.
I feel that Winter’s Bone should probably win all of the awards. Maybe the best movie I saw all last year.
I liked The Social Network pretty well, and The Kids Are All Right was pretty great, but neither of them came very close to being a perfect film. And Black Swan, while viscerally effective, was ultimately fairly stupid once the horror wore off (which did take days, I’ll admit).
Best Documentary: Exit Through the Gift Shop (seriously, I’ve decided to start stenciling again.. Spray paint, stencils, acrobatics, opinions, LOVE!!!)
Best Picture: Scott Pilgrim VS. The World (this is a deep rooted nerd love thing talking here. Plus, the movie was pretty friggin decent.)
Best Picture Marketed Primarily Towards Children: WRITE IN! Despicable Me (IT’S SO FLUFFY!!!!!!! I JUST WANT TO DIE!)
Best Actress: Annette Benning – The Kids are Alright (seriously, ever since forever I have had the most insanely amazing crush on her. In Dreams? Yes. Best. Creepy. Movie. EVER!)
Best Supporting Actress: Loretta Devine – For Colored Girls (because she is amazing. have you seen Funny Valentine? do it. Immediately.)
Best Actor: James Franco – in whatever (because he is like my best friend, or would be, if I got to meet him.)
Best Supporting Actor: Mark Ruffalo – The Kids are Alright (because he can. That’s why.)
Best Writing: no opinion. (I like to write, but don’t really care much for people who write to make a movie. finished product only, please.)
Best Director: again, no opinion.
Most Disappointing: Sex & The City 2 (am I the only person in the fucking world who doesn’t care for these bitches? Seriously, I don’t give a crap about these idiotic women’s lives. at all. fictional or in reality.)
Most Lady-Friendly Film: Alice in Wonderland (seriously, how often is a woman the hero in a fairy tale. Alice needs no prince to make things all better.)
Best Julie & Brandy Version of a Feature Film: Shitter Island!!! yes. yes. yes.
Obvs, my opinion means very little, considering I’m more apt to be writing/reading/playing video games at any given time of day instead of watching movies.. And, those that I do watch, usually have something to do with what I already love.. But, movies are great when I don’t feel like doing much in the ways of concentration..
PEOPLE, has nobody seen Marwencol? DO ITTTTTTT.
Best Documentary – i highly appreciate that this is listed first rather than down in the no-one-cares, so many things are fucked-up. INSIDE JOB HOLYYYY SHIT
Best Picture – I Am Love (I thought The Town was so overrated) disclaimer: i haven’t seen winter’s bone yet
Best Picture Marketed Primarily Towards Children – toy story 3, i am baffled no one is voting for it
Best Actress – annette bening
Best Supporting Actress – hailee steinfeld
Most Lady-Friendly Film – i really liked alice in wonderland; how is harry potter lady-friendly again, is it emma watson?
Best Julie & Brandy Version of a Feature Film – runagays, hands down
i LOVED Bitch Slap!
i really don’t understand how annette benning was nominated for best actress but julianne moore was not? i love me some annette, don’t get me wrong, but surely julianne moore was as good and had more or less the same amount of screen time???
I feel like Annette Bening’s role required a little more emotional output than Julianne Moore’s, and that’s why she got nominated and not Julianne.
Really now? despicable me isn’t on this and megamind is?
Inception sucks.
Best actress: Ema Watson.. Hermione and Ginny.. yup Ema Watson
the next person to bitch about the lack of despicable me is getting a yeast infection and hangnail.
haha :P
well respect the viewers dude.. this is more or less like the hurt locker wining over avatar. twisting history and wrong publicity.
*takes antibiotic pill*
Give the people what they want want. We want the FLUFFY UNICORN!!!!!!!! (So much punctuation, mmkay?)
However, this person knew the Hurt Locker was the best picture. Already got a hangnail.
HOWL, COLIN FIRTH, SEX AND THE SHITTY 2@!!!!!!!!!!!!!111221121132443
Best Documentary: Waiting for Superman
Best Picture: The Social Network
Best Picture Marketed Primarily Towards Children: Toy Story 3
Best Actress: Natalie Portman
Best Supporting Actress: Melissa Leo
Best Actor: Jesse Eisenberg
Best Supporting Actor: Christian Bale
Best Writing: Aaron Sorkin
Best Director: David Fincher
Most Disappointing: Sex and The City 2
Most Lady-Friendly Film: The Kids are Alright
Best Julie & Brandy Version of a Feature Film: The Runagays
Anything BUT Waiting for Superman for best doc. I’m sorry but while it is dealing with an important issue facing America, that was one of the most ridiculously biased attempts at a doc ever.
Harry Potter/ Alice in Wonderland for everything else!
I liked Night Catches Us a lot, I thought that was a super underrated movie but I don’t really know if it was Oscar worthy but the Kids Are Alright or the Social Network didn’t seem particularly schmancier.
Best Documentary – idk
Best Picture – Inception
Best Picture Marketed Primarily Towards Children – Toy Story 3
Best Actress – Annette Bening
Best Supporting Actress – Loretta Devine
Best Actor – James Franco
Best Supporting Actor – Christian Bale
Best Writing – Aaron Sorkin
Best Director – idk
Most Disappointing – Did Tarantino or Rodriguez do anything this year? Was there a smirking, self referential spoof that attempted to cleverly satire Hollywood but without the part where it was clever? What about that Cera kid – did his sucking void of charmlessness suck anything up lately? That one.
Most Lady-Friendly Film – The Runaways
Best Julie & Brandy Version of a Feature Film – The Runagays
And you people just don’t know how to appreciate Twilight.
Dude, Megamind was the GAYEST KIDS MOVIE EVER!!!!!! It all started when the lady says “Boys, you’re both pretty, can I go now?” and went gayer from there.
Also, How to Train Your Dragon is not on this list? What? Awesome movie, tough girl, cat-like dragons, disability-positive. What’s not to love?
On my first visit i really got surprised while link2sd plus stumbling upon these categories of blog reviews written here, i awaited a lot for this and now finally got the solution here only.