My Girlfriend Thinks I’m Prioritizing Exercise Over Her

is it wrong to want to wake up early and work out while i’m on vacation or on the weekends? exercise is soooo important to my mental health, but my gf will be annoyed if i don’t wanna stay out late because i wanna be able to get up and work out or go for a run in the morning before breakfast. she sayds “we’re on vacation! you don’t have to exercize!” and that it is messed up for me to be “addicted” (her words) to exercize so much that I think I have to keep it up even on vacation or on weekends. she takes lexapro every day can’t i go for a run every day even if that means leaving the bar an hour early, or having dinner at 7 instead of 8 so that the night will wrap up earlier? i feel that i am being respectful by trying to find a way to fit it into my schedule without disrupting her (because she sleeps while i am out for a run), but she says it’s still taking away from our together time. i just feel gross all day if i don’t have the chance to MOVE my body in the morning unless we have other physically active plans for that day.

Summer: I’m very sedentary, but I know well enough that exercise is great for many people’s wellness (and awful for some). I think your girlfriend hasn’t grasped the fact that exercise gives you structure and outlet that is beneficial. Her belief that you don’t need to exercise on vacation leads me to think she sees exercise as labour, rather than something very enjoyable for you. That might be something to talk to her about. Though I’d caution against comparing your exercise to her SSRIs even though they do have similarly regulating purposes. People who take mental health meds (myself included) don’t always like the ‘my anti-depressant is jogging’ line of thought. They share similar results, but are very different.

I also get that your exercise schedule benefits from going to be early and waking up early. However, you are on vacation and your girlfriend probably wants to spend more time together using the designated vacation time. Exercise is regulating for you, but it is something that you can otherwise do on a regular basis. Your girlfriend probably feels strongly that vacation time should have room for more ‘special’ activities than a routine you always have. So I see her perspective too. Losing out on some of your routine is destabilizing for you, but do also consider your girlfriend’s interest in being with you.

I don’t know if you’re actually ‘addicted’ to exercise. But a grounded and, forgive me for using this word… ‘healthy’ approach to exercise leaves space for changes in your routine. Exercise should be something you approach on your terms and ideally, it shouldn’t affect your personal relationships. I’m not here to tell you that you’re ‘addicted’ or something. But if making compromises to your routine or adjusting temporarily is so destabilizing, that’s something to look into.

Ashni: If it makes you happy, I think you should do it, and I’m surprised your girlfriend doesn’t want you to. I say this as someone who needs to work out to self-regulate; it sounds like you might be similar. If I were on vacation and wanted to get some movement or solo time in, I think I’d bristle at a partner who didn’t make room for me to do that. It’s a vacation, and yes, romance and time together are important, but so is meeting your own individual needs. And it sounds like this is something you need! Also, aren’t you two together all the time outside of the (I’m assuming) hour-ish that you’re off on a run in the morning? If working out is what you need to show up as a better version of yourself, why not work out?

That said, I want to challenge the idea that you’re not disrupting her. You are changing the vacation schedule to accommodate your own needs. Which is fine, so long as she’s also getting her needs met. I’m wondering if there’s room for compromise here. Can you give your girlfriend the quality time and night out she wants, while still squeezing in a run in the morning? It might mean you miss out on an hour of sleep, but the tradeoff is that you get your run in. Or could you go for a run in the late afternoon while she’s doing something she’s really excited about, that she’d be okay if you missed?

IMO in a relationship, there are times you don’t get everything you want. There’s another person involved whose wants and needs are equal to your own (or at least, that’s how I’m trying to approach things these days). Your girlfriend might need a night out, and you might need a run. But those two things aren’t at odds. You can run a shorter distance, and/or on less sleep. You can run later in the day, and yes, this might mean missing out on a tourist attraction you’re really excited about. The night out can end at 1 a.m. instead of 2 a.m.! I think there’s plenty of room for compromise here.

I have a friend who does a lot for me, helpful stuff whenever I need help, but I also know she has a crush on me (was told by a mutual friend). Is it exploitatitve for me to accept her offers (e.g., driving me to the airport, watching my dog, helping me prep for a party) knowing that she might be doing these things in hopes I’ll have feelings for her? I totally adore her and she’s super cute, but I have a girlfriend (currently long-distance) I’m in love with and hope to marry some day, so a relationship with her is not on the table. Don’t get me wrong I do stuff for her too but maybe half as often as she does stuff for me?

Valerie: I think this depends on a few factors. Is she just a helpful person? Even if she skews in your favor, is she also driving other friends to the airport and pet sitting for other people? Also, has she ever expressed interest in you to you directly? Because it’s very possible she has a little crush that she knows is unrequited but still wants to help you anyway because she likes you in general, on top of or in spite of the little crush, and/or likes helping friends. As long as you have been very clear about your girlfriend and that you’re exclusive and in it for the long haul, it’s possible she knows what she’s doing. I once had a little innocent crush on a coworker. She was straight and married but I just thought she was the best. So I would jump to do her favors. I’d finish work for her team first, I’d offer to buy her coffee when I was making a coffee run, etc. I didn’t do it because I thought one day she’d miraculously change her mind and fall for me, I just liked making her happy. It was like she accidentally stumbled upon a friend+ subscription. So as long as you’re not actively flirting with her and leading her on, and your friend is OFFERING all this help, I think you’re fine to carry on as you were, especially since it sounds like you do offer to help her back when you can. And maybe make sure that mutual friend who told you about the crush knows that you are 100% not interested in her that way so that the message gets back to her.

Summer: Now that you know, she has a crush on you, I think the responsible thing is to take that into consideration before accepting help from her. My bar for ‘manipulation’ involves intent. As in, if you intend to exploit a person’s emotional state for your gain, that’s manipulation. Unrequited love hurts enough without the target of affection using that against someone.

Valerie’s point that crushes come in all shapes is also fitting. Her crush on you could go anywhere from ‘just enjoys being innocently in your presence’ to ‘kindling a genuine passion’. That intensity can make a big difference in how much shared contact you can have before things are dicey for you and her. You’re in a committed relationship and engaging with a person who you know is crushing on you might go into not-okay territory with your partner. Exclusive partners usually prefer it when their partner isn’t casually interacting with someone who has known feelings for their partner.

Sorry to say that the cat’s out of the bag, which means you’ll have to do some thinking about feelings and boundaries. I think that indulging in her aid while knowing she has feelings for you is going to veer toward manipulation over time. Manipulation, and jeopardizing the trust in your relationship since you’re keeping someone who’s into you in your orbit.