I’ve Forgiven my Girlfriend But My Friends Refuse To

after a very traumatic end to a relationship, me and my ex have gotten back together. she was going through mental health situations when we were together which is why she treated me how she did. she’s much healthier now, on meds, in therapy, etc, but my friends haven’t forgiven her. they’re hesitant to be around us. now, i didn’t think we would ever be back together after what happened, but she has really transformed on meds. however, i did tell my friends EVERYTHING that went wrong with us, and my girlfriend is pretty shocked about that, she’s much more private, and this is causing some tension because my friends would probably be more open to her return to my life if i hadn’t told them all these things. but i think it was okay to tell them what i was going through, wasn’t it? anyways, we’re going on a group camping trip this summer and i’ve heard that they don’t feel comfy with my girlfriend going on it with us. i’m pissed off but don’t know how to navigate this. what can i do? maybe have her apologize to them like she did to me? i really love her and forgiveness is so important to me.

Valerie: I have been the friend in this situation. The problem is, I was there to listen to all the awful and traumatic things my friend experienced because of this person. I saw screenshots of vile texts, I was there for her when she cried, I checked in on her as she spiraled, all because of this one person. I was relieved when they finally broke up and my friend started to get back to a good place again. Then, one day, she mentioned she was talking to this person again. I recoiled and was flabbergasted and she said, “Oh, yeah, they apologized and we made up, we’re friends now.” I, however, didn’t hear about all that. I heard about all the bad stuff, but not any of the good stuff. I didn’t see the apology texts or the make-up conversations. Just one day I was supposed to act like this person wasn’t the top of my enemies list for making my friend so upset for so long. I’m glad my friend forgave their ex, if that’s what they needed, but I don’t have to like it. Or them. And I don’t. Still. I don’t know what I would do if they got back together. It would be really hard for me because I would feel like I’m just waiting for the other shoe to drop and things to go bad again. I don’t think the problem is that you told your friends about the hard times you were having; that’s what friends are for. It’s that they don’t get to see the make-up or the good parts. They’re also not in love with your girlfriend, so are inclined to be slower to forgive. I think you need to give your friends more grace; you say you’re pissed off at them, but they don’t like your girlfriend because she was awful to their friend. Their feelings are just a reflection on how much they care about you. I think you need to ask THEM what they need. You need to have a non-defensive chat with them about how things are better now, explaining specifically things your girlfriend is doing to take care of her mental health and make up for the hurt she caused, and ask them if an open and honest conversation with your girlfriend would help them. You also have to be open to hearing if the truth is, she’s not that much better than she was, and that you’re still being mistreated. Sometimes it’s hard to see if you’re in it. So talk to them, listen to what they have to say, their concerns, and express your desire to have them all forgive and be friends with your girlfriend. But until you sort all that out, respect their discomfort and don’t invite your girlfriend on trips with you just yet.

Summer: First-off, I don’t think you were wrong to tell your friends about what was going on in your breakup. Even the gory details. Friends should be there to take on that emotional support role. You were doubtless having a lot of pressure placed on your shoulders during the breakup and the normal response is to try and make sense of that pain through socialization.

Given how horrible that breakup seemed to be, plus your expectation that you’d never get back together… your choice to tell your friends everything seems even more rational. I think your mind was in a place where you thought the relationship was unsalvageable so you had nothing to lose by telling all. Now I don’t like saying this, but that tell-all approach does have consequences now. Your breakup experience has probably damaged your girlfriend’s reputation in the friend group’s eyes. Perhaps just as irrevocably as you thought it was damaged in your eyes for a time. It’ll take labor and care to mend that.

Only you and her can decide if apologizing to the group formally is the right call. That would be very effective on me, but that’s because I value competent and thoughtful apologies very highly — do your friends feel that way too? Above all, I think Valerie is right that your friends’ responses come from a place of concern and care for you. Their memories of your girlfriend are still the worst times you had together — they haven’t seen the turnaround that you’ve witnessed. I think there’s value in trying to assure your friends that she’s doing much better and to let your girlfriend show that in her changed behavior. Hopefully that’ll mend things over time.

Riese: I don’t know your specific situation, but there are definitely mental health conditions that can make someone behave completely out of character, and if that’s the situation your girlfriend was in — and she’s found meds that regulate that — then I think your friends should be more understanding and open to forgiveness. I feel like it’s very socially acceptable, for example, to forgive an alcoholic once they’ve gotten sober, and this might not be all that different from that, you know? Try talking to them about what they’d need to trust your girlfriend again — maybe that is an apology, or maybe it’s some low-stakes hangouts like drinks or lunch before graduating into a full vacation in the wilderness.

That said, I’m not sure what you meant by her being shocked at everything you told your friends, but if she’s upset at you for sharing your struggles with them, that’s a yellow flag, at least.

To preface this question I’ve never had a healthy group of gay friends or acquaintances around me, in high school and university both groups of people around me were involved in some sort of conversion therapy type situation, and both times I was being stalked.

I have felt like one type of gay or the other my entire romantic existence, from lesbian to bisexual, then lesbian again and then butch lesbian and for a hot minute trans, then again back to lesbian.

Currently for the last few years after a particularly toxic breakup with someone I suspect might just not be a good person, I’ve been asking myself the same question, Am I even gay anymore?

I’m so overwhelmed by the exhaustion of being violated, that I’m not feeling any romantic attraction to other women. I’ve never had internalised homophobia, I’ve never been one to exclude other types of gays or gender expressions, I’ve never been one to joke about people swapping sides as a lesbian if they decide they’re bisexual. I have had a pretty healthy relationship with myself about homosexuality.

After I very recently found the autostraddle site while now feeling straight. I began taking all of the quizzes for fun and every single one I took I kept thinking how I would always picture myself not wanting to be there in the imaginary situation with a bunch of gay friends. How it would be exhausting. How I would have a bbq in my backyard with people I barely knew and I would hire a caterer because the food wouldn’t be a labour of love and I would superficially talk to everyone and seem like a fun host and a great friend but not actually be close to anyone in the room, and be at an emotional distance in a way I have not experienced before. How whenever there was an option to just go for a run or go to the gym in the quiz I would select it. I haven’t been exercising for the past few years so I’m out of shape, im so bad at running right now all I can do is at most one loop around my block. So why do I feel like exercising more than socialising.

Whenever I think about dating again, which I’m holding off on to make sure I’m entirely comfortable and feel emotionally ready for someone new. I only picture pursuing men, I have experience with boys when I was in high school but nothing as an adult. Whole different ball game.

The way I want to date men and the type of men I would date are drastically different from what I usually would consider. It’s a lot more about having my needs met. Where as when I would think about women it was feelings first, not much planning. Now it’s oh it needs to be a lot more expensive, instead of going to spend a couple hundred dollars on dinner out with a girlfriend it’s I want to be able to book a private room to date a man and I want him to feel the same way, about our privacy. And I drastically changed the way I presented over the last four years from your classic shaved head butch to having hair down to my ass and looking at clothing I haven’t wanted since I was in middle school and read a lot of luxury magazines. Which I cannot afford right now.

When I was taking the quizzes I just kept thinking it feels weird to be on this site while I feel straight now. I don’t want to get into a serious relationship with a cis man and then have a mental collapse at being like f**k I’m a lesbian still and I’ve brought all this emotional baggage to someone new and I want to have kids. And I’m even slightly struggling to imagine having a daughter the same way as a son.

What the hell am I suppose to do? Are there any thought exercises or journal prompts you suggest? And am I even gay anymore?

Valerie: The thing is, sexuality is a spectrum, and few people are fixed points on that spectrum. It sounds to be like you are some flavor of queer, and are just struggling because of some past toxic situations. You say you don’t have internalized homophobia, but I think it’s possible you do a little. Plus a dash of social anxiety, all caused by these past traumatic experiences. Most bi and pan people I know aren’t split evenly between their attraction to all genders. They have a preference, and sometimes that preference shifts. Gender expression can also be very fluid. I don’t think wanting to date men right now and presenting differently than you were makes you automatically straight, but that’s a question only you can answer. To me, it sounds like you’re closing parts of yourself off because of what you have experienced. Especially since you also mentioned struggling to imagine having a daughter; that feels like it goes deeper than just being worried about being straight. You asked for prompts so here are some questions to ask yourself: Do you not want to hang out with a group of queer people, or do you not want to hang out with the queer people who have hurt you in the past? If you could guarantee none of the toxicity you experienced before would happen again, would you still ONLY want to date men? If you could create the perfect partner from a magic spell, trait by trait, would gender factor into it for you? The thing is, I don’t think straight people often spend time on queer websites worrying about whether or not they’re straight. I think you just have some things to work out. It doesn’t mean you can’t date men or you won’t enjoy dating men, it just might help you to know why you’re heading that way, and if it’s truly a shift in preference, or if it’s more akin to avoidance. It sounds like you would benefit from therapy if you can swing it, to help work through some of these past traumas and sort out what is going on, and which of these feelings are truly internal and which are being affected by external factors.

Summer: Hey, welcome to our readership <3

Valerie’s covered the essentials, so all I’ll say is that wondering if you’re straight or queer is one of the most queer things anybody does. In a heteronormative society, pretty much all queer people must go through periods of wondering and exploration because it takes active effort to break out of cisgender, heterosexual mould we’re cast in. That path of exploration can take all the twists and turns it needs as long as you feel like it’s helping you grow as a person.

It sounds to me like your sexuality is very fluid and more informed by interpersonal experiences than an internal ‘sixth sense’. That’s completely fine. Just as sexuality is a spectrum that is in fluctuation for a lot of people, some people find their sexualities influenced more by external factors than internal determination. None of that makes you a bad person. Whether or not you feel cis-het or queer, you’re welcome to be part of our readership and enjoy the quizzes :)

Riese: Your description of your backyard BBQ is so well-written by the way.

But yeah, it sounds like you’ve got a lot of trauma and toxicity in your past around gay friends and gay relationships and that would be worth unpacking to figure out how that’s impacting your current attractions and desires. And it’s okay for those attractions to shift as you proceed in life, or for them to be informed by trauma. The thing about having a son rather than a daughter makes me wonder if you’re maybe dealing with a little internalized misogyny, which can also complicate gay feelings even when it’s not internalized homophobia, too. Which could also be manifesting itself in a sort of repulsion towards communities that are dominated by women.

You might just be an introvert who’s not particularly excited by the prospect of queer community and socializing. That doesn’t necessarily mean you’re not attracted to women, you know? Maybe you are, but culturally you’re just not into the gay scene. Or maybe your past trauma with unhealthy groups of gay friends has made you wary of those situations, or picture them as situations that couldn’t ever make you feel happy or included or loved. I think almost anything you imagine for your life can include a partner of any gender, so maybe start to think about what you want for your life and then try to find people that fit into it, date around, see if your attractions hold or have changed.

I feel like I could talk to you about this for a long time and get to the bottom of it, but I don’t know you, so I can’t, but maybe someone else who does know you, or the right therapist, could?