Are Queers In Real Life As Mean As They Seem On the Internet?

I live in a very small town with very few queer people in it that i can connect with and for now at least i can’t move. i want queer community very badly. i have some money to travel. but right now my queer community is very online, but not that i’m participating in, more just me observing it. i love the autostraddle print magazine and i get that and i few other queer zines.

i don’t love being online in general, i’m an outdoorsy person and i love to just be around other people, but being online is the only place where i engage with (look at) queer social media (instagram, tiktok, substack). and when i do, i get scared!

i will read advice questions on your instagram that seem nice to me, and the responses will be very hostile. on tiktok it feels like everybody is just always getting mad about this or that.

it makes me scared that if i DID travel to a queer event, i might not be welcome, or would get shut out if i said the wrong thing, because i come from such a straight, middle america kind of place. 

it makes me scared that when i CAN leave this town, wherever i go, won’t be the queer family i see in my mind. i know that it’s real and people have it because i do read about those people. is this the reality? are there places i can move where people are nicer? or maybe i should just stay where i am?

Valerie: The comment sections of social media posts very rarely reflect actual IRL communities. They are full of one-off haters from all corners of the world that, together, make it seem like it’s everyone or representative of entire groups, but they really aren’t. I understand why it can seem that way, but I promise there are PLENTY of communities that have zero people like that in them. Even at events, there are different groups within, and you can find the people you mesh with best among them. For example, you could try out three different queer hiking groups and the first two could be nightmares full of people who are hostile and rude, but the third could be a dream full of people you can really connect with. Unfortunately this requires a lot of trial and error, a lot of meeting different people and seeing where you fit best. But I promise it’s worth it once you find your people (and I really, really believe you will if you want to!).

Summer: Oh no, do not wander into social media comment sections. They’re proof that the old hypothesis that internet people are only cruel due to ‘anonymity’ is false. People say it with their full government names and whole chests out there. People are much more sane in person. As our long history of advice articles can attest to, queer groupings can still be full of drama, exclusion, and irritation. But much of that comes from a place of… trying to be a ‘better’ queer and messing it up — not actual malice. Social media people given a platform? Usually two peanuts short of a squirrel’s winter stash. People are assuredly much more tolerable in person, and when they are negative, they usually aren’t a literal swarm. You can survive in-person queer groups and I believe in you. Even if it takes jumping between a couple of different communities or interest groups, or even just narrowing it down two a couple of good queer friends, in-person is very doable.

Nico: Social media comments are so completely different from what you should expect to encounter in person at queer events. Of course, some people are mean, but that’s not going to be the majority (or necessarily any) of what you experience, especially as you’re forming new relationships and not getting to know people that deeply, yet. For some reason, social media comment sections are the toxic waste dumps of the internet, and, to add to that, we don’t know when some of the commenters might just be bots and not real queer people at all.

Now, it takes a lot of guts to go to a new space or event alone, but I believe you can do it! Also, if the first event feels like it doesn’t suit you, don’t give up, and don’t forget to pat yourself on the back for doing the brave thing. As far as niceness goes, if you are in “middle America,” then I think you can more or less expect the queer people in cities and towns near you to have pretty similar cultural norms around niceness and manners to the straights in the same region. Queer is not the only identity any of us has, after all. With that, one way to really maximize your chances of connecting with fellow queers at an event is to choose events and activities that align with your existing interests, areas of expertise, and hobbies. Do you mountain bike, for example? There might be an all-queer or explicitly queer-friendly mountain biking group nearby. You can lean on your comfort with the activity while working on socializing. That’s just an example and I am sure you have many unique and awesome aspects of yourself that you’ll bring to any space you enter. The fastest way to start getting rid of this fear is to show yourself that you didn’t have as much to be afraid of as you thought, so get out there, be safe, and have fun!

Riese: I meet/observe a lot of people online before I meet them in real life and really I do think that people are more open-minded and chill and understanding in real life than they might seem on the internet, which tends to bring out the extremes. I also think people are mean on social media, period, it just surprises us more when it comes from our own community. And sometimes I am also disappointed in how quickly people jump to being mean in response to what seemed to me to be earnest, well-intentioned requests for advice — sometimes, yeah, queer people are mean to each other. BUT I think queer people can also be extraordinarily empathetic and kind-hearted and generous beyond measure. Queer people are people, you know? With all the good and bad that entails. And you’ll find your queer people. Go forth and explore the world,.

So my gf and I have a bestie that is single af. They have flings here and there but it never amounts to anything. We all joke about my gf and me trying to help them meet some girls while we’re out but we never do it because they dont seem so interested.

Until last week.

We were at a concert and people were approaching us to like hang during the performance. They’d shoot funny comments at us and when we teased our buddy a girl jumped in and played along! It was awesome. Afterwards our buddy expressed interest in furthering the interaction but didnt know how! The bummer is my gf and I were so beat because we had just camped for the weekend so we didnt notice the obvious signs of these people wanting to interact and have fun. And we certainly did not notice how everyone wanted to chat with our buddy!

I guess my question is how do we do a better job at recognizing when people wanna hang with us and help our friend and a stranger break the ice? How do we just make friends with strangers in general? It’s so intimidating and I never really practiced this kind of thing. Covid happened when i was carefree and young and I’ve always leaned on more of the quiet side. What can I do to make sure I dont kill the vibe as well?

Thanks!

Valerie: Well you seem to have laid out the first steps of noticing. I, for one, don’t talk to people at concerts at all unless I want to hang with them or they seem like potential new friends. So assume if people are making a few different comments and joining in on your playful ribbing, they want to join you! Another thing you can do is have some kind of signal with your friend. A word or a sign or even A Look when a group starts to mingle with yours that they can give you so you can step up and introduce yourselves and them to the group to start the official joining of the friends. Maybe even pre-prep with them a story they like to tell people in situations like this so you can tee them up for it during the conversation to help them open up. I once had a friend who used to introduce me to people like, “This is my friend Valerie and she has the funniest bad date story ever,” which was partly humiliating (because we did NOT agree to this ahead of time) but also a great icebreaker and a way to get me talking in a group of strangers much earlier than I normally would. I wouldn’t recommend STARTING intros like that, but knowing there’s a story they have and like telling in your pocket could be helpful. And as for making friends with strangers in general, the answer really is just talk to them. It’s never too late to practice; some strangers will stay strangers but you’ll have a fun anonymous time with them at the concert or event. Some will end up being friends! The only way to kill the vibe is to shut down the interaction before it really kicks off. (Or to make fun of your friend TOO much; you have to hype them up, too.) Also, as the perpetually single friend: don’t treat EVERY interaction with strangers as a quest to find a girl for your buddy. That ends up putting a lot of pressure on every interaction. Wait for them to tell you they’re specifically interested in someone before going that route.

Summer: It’s sweet that you’d wingman so hard for your best friend <3

I’m often a mother hen/sober wingman figure on nights out. And my main attestation is that… you gotta sacrifice some of your time and enjoyment to help them out. That usually means being present for them, listening to what they’re interested in, and watching crowd interactions for someone who isn’t good at it. If you want to make that impact, you have to put in the hours of being around your best friend until you can detach yourself and let them handle the rest. You can’t detach yourself and then hope things work out well.

That usually involves sacrificing some of your fun. Be it drinks, socialising, or just getting-lost-in-the-sauce time. This kind of wingman stuff can only come from a place of deep caring because otherwise, you’ll get resentful when it fails and you’ve both messed up your nights out. Valerie has practical advice, so this is my ‘mindset’ advice. Default to being around your bestie (not hovering) to support them until you think they’ve got it locked in. And don’t be upset or blame yourself if it still doesn’t work out. Casual romance is too complex a thing for there to be any guaranteed success route.