My Friend Is Keeping Us a Secret From Her Future Husband

Is it weird for my friend, who I hooked up with in college at least a dozen times, to get married to a guy who has no idea she’s ever been with women? It wasn’t just me, she hooked up with lots of girls in college and identified as bisexual. she didn’t tell me to my face that she hadn’t revealed her past to him, it was a mutual friend who told me this, and I 100% believe it’s true, he has no idea she’s bisexual or has been with women. He had no idea who I was when we first met, she had to explain I was a friend from college when I first met him at another friend’s wedding. I really felt like she had deliberately left me out of her college stories because I am so clearly a dyke. I feel like she is erasing a whole phase of her life from him. Maybe it’s none of my business but I find it really awkward to hang out with them now whenever we’re in the same area, and I’m iffy about going to their wedding. But my girlfriend says I only feel that way because the thing i had with her was more important to me than it was to her and I just have hurt feelings about it. I think it’s more than that though.

Valerie: Unfortunately it kind of is none of your business whether she decides to hide her bisexual past from her current partner. HOWEVER, if it’s hurting your feelings that you feel erased from her stories, or that maybe she hasn’t even told her boyfriend YOU’RE queer, it might be worth having a private conversation with her. Say that you noticed he hadn’t heard any stories about you when you met, and that you’re just wondering if that’s because she’s worried he would be homophobic, because that’s kind of an important thing for you to know as her queer friend. It’s reasonable for you to want to know if her past bisexual identity is something she is not comfortable talking to him about, especially since you share experiences and should know if there are stories that are off-limits. But at the end of the day, it’s her decision what she does and doesn’t share about her own life, and you have to respect it. If she asks you not to bring up stories about college with him around, don’t. However, it wouldn’t be fair of her to ask you to not talk about your own queerness around him. So I think you just need to have a conversation with her to see what her expectations are, and then you can decide from there if the friendship is worth keeping or if she’s dealing with some internalized homophobia that is causing you more harm than it’s worth.

Summer: Without talking to your friend about her motivations and circumstances, I can’t tell if she’s justified in concealing that part of herself. Even if her reasons are shady, she’s still entitled to privacy about her past. We’re talking about consensual sex acts, not a felony murder conviction, so I don’t think this is imperative for her to reveal.

She may have personal and important reasons for putting your history and her interest in women behind her. ‘Bisexual’ may have been an experimental identifier that no longer fits her. She might feel ashamed or fearful—which would be tragic, but still not your business unless she calls on you for aid. Maybe your girlfriend is right in that your encounters meant different things to you. She’s putting them behind her, while you’re emotionally affected by them down the line.

If you feel strongly about her omissions and they’re stressing you out a lot, there’s nothing wrong with winding down the friendship. Maybe she’s diverged so far from her college days that a friendship isn’t sustainable anymore? Otherwise, you’ll have to talk to her in private about the ‘a thing you heard that you want to clarify’. Either way, I too would be hurt if my friends did something like this, but it’s ultimately their choice. Were I in your position, I’d just try to disengage.

Riese: You can certainly ask her directly about why she’s leaving you out of her college stories, I think that’s a good place to start! I personally think it’s really wild to hide a huge part of your past from someone you plan to marry — but it’s certainly not unheard of, and it’s possible you do just have some hurt feelings there. Maybe that means that you and her are just different in how you approach relationships.

TEAM! I need help. I fell in love and whirlwind romance with an amazing woman over a few months, and sadly we are in an LDR (classic). This relationship happened to coincide with me moving away from my home city to a new city where I know basically no one and don’t have community and have a good job but not even close to as busy as I was in my city/job/life before… and it’s led to an awful horrible version of myself where i find that I am comparing myself to my gf!!! For context, when I’ve been depressed and lonely in the past I have also fallen into comparison with others so I know this is a pattern; because of this I don’t have social media (haven’t for 3ish years!), I’m in therapy, I’m on meds, I’m trying to make plans and be present in the new city (though it’s tough because LDR)… but still I find myself comparing to my gf in terms of looks, activities, friends, money/spending, cooking habits, working out… like literally everything and I hate it. HELP plz. I don’t want to feel worse or sabotage our relationship.

Motti: It sounds like you’re in a great position to implement some change to this pattern, considering you’ve identified the route and looking for help. So, I’m going to be very straight forward in saying: you need to focus on yourself. You know that already, but when we’re depressed we’re the worst versions of ourselves, as you’ve pointed out. If you’re depressed and staying in, not socializing (or trying to), and participating in potentially harmful habits (whatever that looks like to you — binging TV, not leaving the house, not getting dressed each day, etc.), it’s only going to make your LDR partner’s life look that much better.

My assumption is that you are finding yourself comparing your life to hers because she’s not stopping her regularly scheduled programming just because you’re depressed, which I think is great for her, and also great for you. But what that means is when you’re sat at home texting her and she’s not answering because she’s out and about, it’s going to sting. When you catch up on your days together and she’s got a lot going on and you don’t have much to share, you’re going to feel that stark difference! And then from there I think it’s a perpetual loop.

So you need to find a way to break the loop, which is easier said than done. You listed here the measures you’ve taken to stop the comparison (no social media, therapy, meds) but what I’m not hearing is what you’re doing to make your life a little busier in your new city. Are you taking full advantage of the social aspects of your new good job? Are you putting yourself out there socially whether through sports, trivia, crafts, etc.? You did say you’re trying to make plans and be present but that’s hard because of the LDR… why? Are you prioritizing contact with your LDR partner over establishing a life for yourself?

You can be both present in your new city and care for your LDR — is there an imbalance present in the effort you’re putting in vs. your partner? You’re going to need more time than they do for yourself because they’re the one who already has their life established in their city and you have to plant roots!

Also, have you tried to adapt any of those behaviors from your partner? Try to take the jealousy/comparison and turn it into something positive. Does your partner have a great work out routine you can use in your own life? Do they use a budget you could adapt to your own spending?

I think, especially because it’s only been a few months, you MUST prioritize settling yourself in your new city first, or at the very least the same amount that you’re prioritizing your LDR.

Kayla: I’ll be honest and say if you’re stuck in a rut of comparing yourself to others, it can be hard to stop it entirely. Because it’s one thing for me to tell you comparing yourself to others won’t do anything for you and another to actually embody that. You know it isn’t serving you and you’re still doing it. That’s okay! Self-sabotage is a completely normal human tendency.

What you need is some counter-programming. You need positive self-talk. If you are someone who finds that cringe, I get it! Doesn’t matter, you still have to do it. Sit down right now and write down five things you love about this life you have built for yourself. I’ll help: It is an incredibly cool and brave thing to move to a place away from your home city. You’re also in love! That is cool and brave too!

Write down the five things you love about your life right now. No caveats to those things. Next time you find yourself comparing yourself to your gf, read the list and make a new one. The lists can become more specific. What do you love about your new city? Or what are you excited to explore in your new city? Keep on making lists that are focused on a positive outlook and reminding yourself that happiness, success, and a good life can look like many things. The counterprogramming may not mute the comparisons entirely, but it could turn down the volume on them. Make positive affirmations literally part of your daily rituals. This shit works! (On top of continuing therapy and taking your meds of course.)

Riese: COMPARISON IS THE THIEF OF JOY!

One really good thing I see in your question is that you’re already self-aware and have taken some steps in your own life to manage your mental health struggles. Moving to a new place and starting over is really hard. Definitely been there, I was living in the wreckage of my last relationship in a small town where I had only one (1) nearby friend, I was depressed and lonely a lot, and my LDR was with a person who was happy, in grad school, building an extremely active social life — but I didn’t really compare in the same way that you are doing now, and I’m trying to figure out why. I think some of it was that my partner was supportive and understanding of my situation, but I also benefited from a remote work life that involved people I was friends with, and I had long distance friends I worked with and interacted with as friends, even if not in person, to keep my social muscles flexed. I was very gentle and forgiving with myself because I knew I was going through a hard time. You can’t compare your brand new life to her fully intact life! I mean you shouldn’t compare yourself to her at all because a relationship isn’t a face-off, it’s a place to learn and grow together.

I also found I felt better about myself when I was taking care of myself, and getting shit done that I needed to be doing — you mention working out and cooking as two genres you use to compare, those are two things you can change right now about your life to feel better without needing anything from your city or your social life. And then yes, like Motti and Kayla said — prioritize building your life! What do you want your future to look like in this town? Build it! Make yourself a road map. Also don’t forget that in an LDR you are really mostly seeing curated updates — you’re not seeing all the messy in-between parts that you’re able to see in your own life.