My Ex Is Dating My Coworker and I Want To Scream

Lesbian nightmare situation! In short: my ex is dating my co-worker. Yes, they know each other because of me, no, I had no idea that they’d stayed in touch after that introduction, which was at a work event I took my ex to. We’ve been broken up for a while but had been still sometimes hooking up, staying friends and sorting through a lot of relationship entrails until a few months ago, when she said she needed space. I guess what she did with this space is start dating my co-worker. She broke the news to me directly last week. I have yet to bring this up with my co-worker. My office is in person and my team has three people on it. Me, my co-worker, and this innocent straight girl from Winnipeg. I really like my job and would rather not leave because of this. I used to really like my co-worker. We were buddies. I think that vibe has continued basically, but inside I am seething. Me and my ex had an amicable breakup. I don’t want to get back together, although I do want to stay friends because she’s one of the coolest people ever. I can’t figure out why but I just want to yell at my co-worker and it feels SO WEIRD! My ex doesn’t think it has to be weird. I do not know how to handle myself or what to say to her about this. She knows that I know. It’s there…… 

Valerie: I think you have two options here. Option One: hash it out. Talk to your coworker, in a calm and mature way, tell them you feel a little upset that you didn’t know they were talking sooner, explain that you want to still be friends but might need a little space to process and might only be able to interact as coworkers and not buddies for a while. Lay your cards out on the table so you can work together without this hanging over you. Option Two: Get over it. It IS, objectively, an uncomfortable situation for your ex to be dating your coworker, especially since you’re on a team of three. However, since it doesn’t seem like there was any cheating or overlap, and it seems like they are just two consenting adults, that’s kind of all it is: uncomfortable. So sure, you’re going to feel a way about it, but I don’t think yelling at your coworker is the answer. No one did anything wrong. So instead of quietly seething, just try to move past it. Yell into a pillow, remind yourself you don’t want to be dating your ex anyway, and try to see this for the convenience it is: you said you wanted to stay friends with your ex, and now she’s dating someone you were already friends with. Invite them to a group hang and try to power through the awkward phase until your heart catches up with your brain and realizes this can be chill and normal.

Summer: I see your assertions that you and your ex have a good and functional separation, but your feelings about wanting to ‘yell at your coworker’ don’t really align with functional separation. Are you sure there aren’t residual feelings (not just romantic) involving your ex/relationship that aren’t making this harder to deal with? Nico’s right in that there’s no cheating and this is consenting adults business.

Your ex even requested space from you so that she could pursue your coworker. I realize this might seem like an attack to you, but I actually think it’s a mature decision that put some space between you and your ex rather than make it worse by chasing your coworker while still hooking up/engaging with you. People do form relationships after introductions made by their exes. It can be awkward and weird feeling, but I don’t see a strong cause to be angry about it when your relationship seems ‘resolved’ on the service. At most, I think your coworker hasn’t done anything wrong here. This all leads me back to wondering if some part of you still feels like you have a ‘claim’ to your ex or your coworkers decisions and you feel affronted because you weren’t consulted. It’s something to consider.

Ashni: This blows, and I’m sorry! I think it probably feels really raw and uncomfortable right now, but… my guess is the awkwardness will fade over time. I don’t know if this is any comfort, but you’re on a well-trod lesbian path right now: plenty of exes have navigated the journey from breakup to friendship, and then dating others within a close friend circle. Doesn’t make it any less weird, though, and I’m sorry that your ex chose your coworker, out of all people, to date.

I think you should say something to your coworker, just so that it’s all out in the open. They’ve probably been avoiding the topic too, and I’d hazard a guess that Girl From Winnipeg has picked up on a weird vibe. You could say something as simple as “Hey, I heard from [ex] that you’re dating now” and leave it open-ended. They might admit that they’re feeling weird about it too, and then you two can decide how you want to proceed with the friendship, if at all. Maybe you’ll decide that it’s not in the cards for you right now, or that you can still be friends but you don’t want to discuss their new relationship for the time being. As long as y’all can still be cordial enough for Girl From Winnipeg’s sake!

For what it’s worth, I can understand the frustration, but I wouldn’t recommend bringing that into the conversation with your coworker. You’re building a friendship with your ex, which means supporting their decisions, including this one. It’s also very possible you’ll eventually need to interact with your ex and your coworker outside of a work setting, and I think having the kind and generous version of this conversation might make future group hangs more tolerable.

I read the “is not dating bisexuals biphobic” article with interest because it is something that I think about, but unfortunately the situation was so different. I’m polyam, I love the bisexual girlies, but gosh do I hate their annoying-ass, condescending, mansplaining, undeserving of these queens, unwashed cis str8 dude partners. It’s always mind boggling to me that these hot cool smart bi women end up dating these extremely mid men who I then have to have in my life in some capacity if I’m dating the hot cool bi woman. They also tend to be bad at polyamory and then I’m somehow dealing with a Matt’s insecurities. Boo. I tend to avoid dating bi women with existing cis dude partners, but incredible bi women & the most annoying man you’ve ever met seem to be a match made in heaven (or hell), and so sometimes they pick up a Jake after already dating me. I do not want to swear off bi women but damn I don’t want to have to deal with polyamory drama with one more soft boy. How do I decenter men from my life while also potentially having to be metamours with them? Is it biphobic to not want male metamours?

Valerie: As a known misandrist with no time or patience for cis straight men, I am biased, but I don’t think it’s biphobic to not want men in your polycule, or as a metamour, but I do think that’s just something you have to discuss with partners, whether they’re bisexual, pansexual, queer, or what-have-you. Explain that you don’t want anything to do with their boyfriends should they have them. Or take it on a case by case basis, and just say you’d rather not hang out with them while Derek is around, or only partner with people whose boyfriends already have experience in polyamorous situations so you won’t be the first and won’t have to deal with surprise jealousy. I think there’s a way to avoid the Kyles of the world without swearing off bi women in general, just with a little extra communication. But, like we said in the article you mentioned, publicly declaring “I don’t date bisexual women” just because they’re bisexual and MIGHT date a guy someday because you’ve had bad experiences in the past is, indeed, a bit biphobic. Instead just be clear about your preferences around when and where you do or do not want men in your polyamorous circle and go from there instead of closing yourself off to an entire group of people you have found connection with in the past.

Nico: So, I think that bisexuals can get an undeserved reputation for preferring straight-presenting relationships when statistically, the dating pool for bisexuals basically makes this a likelihood. If we just take bisexual cis women, just for the worst ever most basic look at the numbers, and assume that our sample is interested in all genders and sexualities interested in them (so, not like, gay men or straight women) and we also, for experimental purposes, assume that every population in their geographic and social location is equally attractive to them, and we – just for no reason but this experiment – assume everyone is single and available, then we have the following available people out of a sample of 100:

So, if you have a “hot cool bi woman” (as is her right to be), assuming attraction falls equally across genders and gender expression (which it may not in real life, but look, this is just an example), out of 100 people who are a demographic cross section of people available to date her, 50% are cis men, 7% are cis women, and some percentage of 1.6% of trans/non-binary people are there as well.

So, frankly, odds are, she is going to go on dates and even date cis dudes. They simply are there. And we can’t expect anyone to not explore love and romance and hot sex just because a certain gender or gender expression turns metamours off. That’s really not her problem, actually.

Now, kitchen table polyamory isn’t for everybody. Frankly, I am too busy for that, but I generally don’t mind running into metamours, and somehow with the partner who does insist on a kitchen table situation (and they are worth it), I found my metamours so charming they are in fact my friends these days, real ride or dies. However, I do agree with and think you have every right to decenter cis men and I don’t think you have to spend time with or know much about your metamours beyond whatever you may need to know for your sexual safety purposes. I recommend just being too busy and full of life and friendship and loving to worry about it. If those men cannot handle you being in your partner’s life, and you remain calm and prioritize being a good partner to the person who actually matters to you instead of fixating on an opp, they should eventually self-eject. Definitely be prepared to be there for her in the event of a man becoming cruel and vengeful and violent — though we all hope that does not happen — but in general, if you can internalize that it is truly not your problem if a cis dude has feelings about you, that is all for the better. Frankly, being too busy to deal with it is probably enough to get away from talking with or hanging with a dude who does not want to know you either, so I imagine you may be able to discreetly see yourself out of this situation unless there is insistence on the part of your partner not mentioned, in which case, I hope that you can have a kind and non-judgmental conversation about your preferences.