Chapter 11

There was the tense feeling of anticipation coiled in all the girls and Louis as they entered the hotel. They knew there was going to be a lot of resistance but now they had the element of surprise which ultimately was the only way to win. Before they stepped inside, Louis took Blaze aside.

“Blaze, this is our last obstacle. After this you will be the only homo that matters. The world will be yours to do with what you want.”

“Hell yeah,” said Blaze, still too selfish to give up fame in order to save the earth. Louis clapped her on the back again.

“Alright ladies, Smithies, you go first, but one of you bring up the rear. Make sure all the hallways are clear. I’ll cover Blaze. Let’s get to the room.”

Right as Louis closed his mouth there was a gunshot, and he hit the ground dead. Blaze and the Smithies whirled around to see Jodie Foster standing at the end of the hallway, blowing the smoke off the barrel of her gun.

“Well, well, well. Looks like I finally got you,” Jodie said to Blaze as she strutted down the hallway. “Guess I’m not such a-” gunshot “OUCH!” Jodie grabbed her thigh where one of the Smithies had shot her. She fell to the ground saying “fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuck.”

“Whoa, good shot,”said Blaze to Kate.

“Thanks Blaze, I love you,” Kate said. There was another gunshot and Kate screamed and fell on the floor, bleeding from her shoulder. All the girls turned to see Tegan and Sara standing at the other end of the hallway. But before they could say anything all four of their collective kneecaps were shattered by bullets. Sam and Katie were on their stomachs with their guns out.

“WOW! You guys are incredible! This is like a spaghetti western,” Blaze said.

Kate began to speak.”Thank you. And we love you Blaze. But we need to get you to a safe place. We’ll escort you to your room and guard the door-” Before she could finish a war cry came from somewhere in the hotel. Suddenly, Whitney from The Real L Word rounded the corner. Kate pointed her gun at her and Whitney stopped running.

“Don’t shoot!” Whitney cried.

“DROP YOUR WEAPON,” Kate shouted.

“I don’t have a weapon!” said Whitney.

“You don’t have a gun?”

“No, am I supposed to?”

“Everyone else had guns…”

“Are you kidding me?” Whitney turned to Jodie who was still writhing in pain on the ground. “You guys didn’t give me a gun?”

“Shoot her!” Tegan yelled at Kate through clenched teeth. Kate shrugged and shot Whitney in the thigh.

“Anyway, like I was saying, Blaze, we’ll cover you and get you to your room, and remember what Justin said. Ellen will be waiting in your room, so make sure you get her first,” Kate finished. Blaze nodded.

“What?” cried Jodie from the floor, “How’d you know about Ellen?”

“We had a mole at Lesbian Congress, you pussy!” hissed Blaze.

“Impossible!”

“No. We used Justin Bieber.”

“Oh. That must’ve been who was spitting on everybody,” said Jodie.

“Okay, let’s go!” shouted Kate, then quietly added “my love,” and place her hand on Blaze’s butt, but tried to make it seem natural. Blaze, covered by the Smithies, left for the room.

On the floor Jodie rolled on her side. She was losing lots of blood, very quickly. She knew she had one last shot and proving she was not a pussy. Jodie reached in her pocket and pulled out her cell phone; she dialed Ellen’s cell. It rang twice then Ellen picked up whispering harshly.

“WHAT!” Ellen seethed.

“Ellen, she knows you’re in the room! You have to do something!”

“What? How could she know?”

“It’s hard to explain but lets just say America has another reason to hate Justin Bieber.”

“Damn him,” Ellen said, but before she hung up she whispered even quieter, “Thanks, Jodie.”

The line clicked. Jodie dropped her phone as the room went dark.

Blaze dipped the room key into the card reader and the lock unlatched. She turned and looked at the Smithies who nodded at her. Raising her gun in front of her Blaze stepped into the room. Out from the bathroom stepped Ellen.

“Drop it!” Ellen shouted, but it didn’t matter, Blaze had already shot her in the shoulder and hip. Ellen fell behind the bed. With her gun still pointed in front of her Blaze made her way around. Ellen laid sprawled out, bleeding on the carpet. Something was wrong; a wig had fallen off of Ellen’s head.

“What? You’re not Ellen!” Blaze said to Kate McKinnon, who lay on the floor holding a hand to her hip.

“No, I’m not. I just do a kickass impression of her. It took me 22 years to master.”

“Ooohh, you’re that chick from SNL!” Blaze recalled. “What’s your name again?”

“Kate McKinnon.” Kate McKinnon coughed up some blood.

“Oh cool. My name is actually Kate,” Blaze told her. “Hey, are you in pain? Would you like me to shoot you?”

“No, no, I want to live,” said Kate politely. Blaze nodded but then stopped because she suddenly felt a cold circle on the back of her neck. She reached behind herself to touch it, and realized the sensation was coming from the tip of a Glock pressed against her nape.

Blaze turned around. There, before her, was the real Ellen pointing a gun right in her face.

Illustration by Rory Midhani

“Drop it,” she said to Blaze. Blaze dropped her weapon.

“You ruined everything. Even if I kill you now, there’s no going back to how it was. You’ve ruined everything for us. And you’re just some stupid phony. Your name is Katie for Christ’s sake.”

Blaze frowned at Ellen. She was desperately thinking how to get herself out of this one. Then, from inside her pocket, her phone beeped. Without thinking, Blaze pulled it out. On the screen there was an alert letting her know that the BuzzFeed list had reached 118 reasons. Very curious, Ellen peered over the phone to see what was more important than imminent death. Blaze seized her moment. She punched Ellen across the face. Ellen fell to the ground, dropping the gun in the process. Blaze scooped it up and pointed it at Ellen.

“Ha! Ellen you could’ve had me dead three minutes ago, but you blew it, and now I’m standing over you with a gun in your face. And do you know what else?” Blaze tossed her phone onto Ellen’s stomach. “I’m the head bitch in charge now. Look at how many followers I have on Twitter.”

Ellen opened the Twitter app on Blaze’s phone. Suddenly, she had an idea that could fix everything.

“Wow Blaze, that’s a lot of followers,” Ellen said as she quickly tapped the keys.

“I hit one million, didn’t I? You don’t kiss Kristen Stewart and not immediately become a lesbian deity.”

“You did get a million,” said Ellen. “And now one million people know this.”

Ellen turned the phone so Blaze could see her most recent tweet that Ellen composed. It read: ‘Guyz, my name isn’t even Blaze…it’s Katie! LOL!'”

“WHAT!” Blaze screamed.

The door opened; the Smithies walked into the room.

“Blaze, what the fuck? Your name is Katie?” Dana asked.

“That’s BULLSHIT,” cried Emily. “We’re so done. We’re going to go apologize to Tegan and Sara.”

“What? No! Come back!” Blaze shouted after them. “I’ll give you all a strand of my hair! Like you’ve been asking for this whole time!”

But the girls were gone.

“No. No. This can’t be real.” Blaze began pacing the room.

“Look, you’re down to 807,485 followers,” Ellen pointed out from the floor.

“NO! HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME!” Blaze shrieked. She pointed the gun at Ellen’s head.

“It’s over Blaze,” Ellen said.

Tears were streaming down Blaze’s face and she pulled the trigger.

Epilogue

Ellen felt as if she were underwater and was slowly reaching the surface. Taking a deep breath she opened her eyes. Bright light filled her vision, then slowly organized into the yellow of walls, whites of sheets and a ceiling. Ellen realized she was in a hospital bed. Blinking more, then seeing more, Ellen saw Portia curled up at the foot of her bed.

“Ellen! You’re up!” a cheery nurse had leaned into the doorway. “I’ll go tell the doctor!”

Portia saw Ellen was awake and jumped into her arms.

“Hey Portia!” Ellen said in a baby voice. “How’s my sweet little pupp-wife!”

“Hey Ellen,” said a voice from the doorway. Ellen looked up, it was Jodie.

“Jodie! How are you doing?”

“I’m hanging in there. Glad to see you’re well.”

“Did you get shot too?” Ellen asked.

“Oh yeah.”

“Dang. How did I get here?” Ellen asked.

“Well, Blaze shot you on the side of the head, so the bullet knocked you out, but didn’t really do much damage otherwise. Blaze’s ex-groupies basically called the authorities, had everyone get picked up by ambulances and blamed the whole massacre on Blaze.”

“Wow. She was charged with how many murders?”

“Well, no one actually died. Just lots of dramatic gunfire.”

“What about Louis? Your job was to shoot him.”

“I did. But before the police arrived the devil showed up and reincarnated him. He’s pretty bummed. I guess this was his second failed apocalypse attempt. His first was that time they discovered the Higgs-Boson particle.”

“And Blaze?”

“In jail.”

“Wow. What happened to all her fans?”

“Totally dissipated. Her hotness all hinged on her name. So once the cat was out of the bag, they jumped ship and felt dumb for ever getting aboard the ship.”

“You know, jail doesn’t seem so bad anymore.”

“Because of Orange is the New Black?”

“Exactly. You just make jokes and meet babes.”

“You know I directed one of those episodes?”

“You did?!” Ellen asked excitedly.

“Yes.”

“Was it the hot episode?”

Jodie frowned. “No…not the hot one.”

“That’s still pretty cool, Jodie.” Ellen said as she stroked Portia’s hair.

“Did you see I had them put velvet sheets on the bed?” Jodie asked.

Ellen looked down and touched the velvety sheets.

“Jodie, that’s so kind.” Ellen looked up with tears in her eyes. “I’m sorry I called you a pussy. Clearly I was wrong.”

“Thank you, Ellen.”

Ellen took Jodie’s hands.

Illustration by Rory Midhani

“We did it Jodie, we won. We’re the two greatest lesbians ever to live. You and me make a great team.”

Jodie smiled at Ellen, and Ellen beamed back. As they indefinitely stared into each other’s eyes Jodie whispered

“Wow. This is so intense.”

THE END

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