I could sit here and give you a list of women who I want to treat my vagina like In-N-Out all night long, I mean, have you SEEN Jacqueline Toboni in The New L Word trailer?! Yet, I figured it would be more fun for me to tell you restaurants that I would fuck if they were people. Why? Because on the way home from work the other day I couldn’t decide if I wanted to go eat or if I wanted to be someone’s dinner so – here we are.
Let me start with what seems to be an unpopular opinion. Fast-food chains are restaurants, DO NOT ACT BRAND NEW. You can go inside and sit, you can order to-go or, you can even get it delivered while you roll around in bed with a different type of snack. So I encourage you to not only @ me all you want on that but let’s get going shall we?!
Golden Corral
Not the greatest but when I get there they have plenty of options for me to choose from. However, I won’t like it a lot and will feel like I wasted my time coming here. The playlist is bad but easy to tune out since the focus turns to filling my mouth with mediocre sweet treats.
Olive Garden
Nice enough but only in the “I feel nostalgic” sort of way. Will make me wait for at least an hour for literally no good reason. It’s never as good as I remember it being but I drove all the way over there so might as fucking well.
Taco Bell
SEEMS like a good idea after various late-night mistakes. There is a high chance that I’ll regret it as soon as I walk through the door. My friends won’t judge when I say where I went because they too know just how satisfying it can be.
Fridays
When I want zero surprises and multiple rounds that are just filling enough I’m coming to you. Always has an attitude from start to finish but I don’t care because it hits the spot every fucking time. I tend to overstay my welcome and always get drunk but I just chalk it up to just having a good time.
Jet’s Pizza
Basically the perfect hook-up. Non-problematic on social media, hot since high school and hasn’t become a jerk now that more people know who they are. Used to only be able to get it when I went home once a year but now they live in Chicago and I can have it whenever I want. When asking the group chat is it a good idea to visit them it is ALWAYS met with a resounding “Absolutely.”
7-11
Bonus (The side piece)
You only visit in the summer when you want something sweet to slurp on. When the season is over there are no hard feelings. They let you do your thing in the winter because they know you’ll bring your ass right on back next summer.
Make your own list in the comments and let me know who gets first dibs on your take out box.
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At this point in life the only foods places I’d want to fuck serve Thai or vegan pho. Everything else is casual socializing.
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Wendy’s! I only indulge on long road trips or when hungover but never regret it.
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This is a song about falling in love with Wendy’s and also somehow a Beachboys cover.
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Wowwowowow going to search for vegan pho to hand relations with thank you.
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My favourite thing is to order in so I guess that makes me a restaurant pillow princess?
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You getting crumbs in the bed there, Chandra?
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Leaving a trail like a gay fairytale
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wouldn’t want to get lost in the bush I suppose
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😂😂 OR am I trying to find my way back in
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If there’s food in the bed I respond much more like the Princess with the DADBURN PEA all stuck up in there getting lumpy and wrecking my sleep
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SHELLI LOL
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GAS MEEE SAARRRAAHH!!
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So many delicious double entendres / puns.
i think i fuck (up) some taco bell like weekly. you can get 3 fritos burritos and a baja blast for like $5. quick, cheap, dirty, but hits the spot!
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So ok here’s the story, I knew a geeky kid in middle school who manned up and went out for wrestling, but he got his arm between another kid’s legs and that kid scissored and snapped his humerus in a nasty compound fracture and he was rushed to the ER and they set his arm and then as they were discharging him someone said “oh here’s some narcs” and when I visited him later that night he was on the couch in a big ol’ cast drooling bean juice all over from the burritos his mom had got him on the way home and he said “those are the best bean burritos I ever had” and laughed like a kid all fucked up on drugs but then all through high school he’s get shaky and have to go smash 3 or 4 of those bad boy burritos into his face while softly crying and mumbling how much he hated himself but hey at least he never got hooked on painkillers amiright
Also when Taco Bell opened their first restaurant in my town they had a mariachi band and gave away free tacos and everyone thought it was classy. That lasted two minutes.
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There are ZERO lies presented here in your comment Abeni!
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I like to call 7-11 old reliable, cause I know I can always trust it to have what I want & it’s easy to get a hold of. Last night after work I wanted to stop at one for gum & a pick me up, I went to one, but parking was packed. So I went to a different one on my way to the concert. I passed at least 3 other ones, including one I went into.
I keep seeing ads for Golden Corral, but I’ve never seen one in my area or nearby. Where would you put Joe’s Crab shack on this list?
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I wouldn’t put crabs in my pants
Joe can keep his crabs in his shack
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Also, Del Taco > Taco Bell, cause as Autostraddle taught me in an article, I still share time to time, fuck Glenn Bell!
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Fuck him right on his Bell tower
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CONTROVERSIAL: i want an orgy with shake shack / burgerville / in-n-out!
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DEEPLY HELD PERSONAL CONVICTION: hard no
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But also, icecream shacks have got it licked.
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Especially when you can get a triple scoop
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I think Joan Jett did a song about pretty much exactly that thing there
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Jett-moi une corde
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*hands you even more shiny Joan Jett, who is also handing you a rope*
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How did you know I like shiny things *raawk*
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I like shiny things that rock, so I just assumed
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Well excuse my French when I say “Vous êtes bien léchées, dans vos commentaires”…
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Pas nécessaire d’excuser la langue, on s’en sert bien
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Is this gay? It has food and Stewart, who some people want to fuck.
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Yes, but she also said she’d work with Woody Allen again so mixed reactions from me.
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oooo, yeah THAT is not a fitpic
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I’m really glad for Kristen Stewart that she finally came out. I mean, that picture in the dress was just a lot repression going on.
Is this a good moment to pick up the air fryer discussion from where we left it, Snow?
I got seitan and Tempeh today. And for extra motivational purposes have watched the Game Changers documentary on netflix this week.
Downloaded a vegetarian cookbook and unearthed a couple of vegan cookbooks from the kitchen.
Ready to have recipes and tipps thrown at me!
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RECIPE EXPLOSION
ok OK so HERE’S WHERE WE START
http://www.theppk.com/ So punk! Start with these scones, you will not be sad. https://www.theppk.com/2007/07/bikram-baking-ginger-chocolate-chunk-scones/
http://www.holycowvegan.net/p/recipe-index_25.html
http://vanillasugarblog.blogspot.com/p/recipe-index.html
https://ohsheglows.com/categories/recipes-2/
https://blog.fatfreevegan.com/
and honestly I mostly only use recipes for baking. When it comes to cooking I’ve been around the block enough that I can just bash a meal together without paying attention to details like measurements or ingredient lists. Anyway, these are some great places to start, lemme know if you need more, or specific tips on how to make tofu palatable to the novice tongue.
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So I posted a ton of links to recipe sites and it got held for moderation, so I’m stealng the first line and maybe the rest will show up one day.
So punk! Start with these scones, you will not be sad. https://www.theppk.com/2007/07/bikram-baking-ginger-chocolate-chunk-scones/
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and honestly I mostly only use recipes for baking. When it comes to cooking I’ve been around the block enough that I can just bash a meal together without paying attention to details like measurements or ingredient lists. Anyway, these are some great places to start, lemme know if you need more, or specific tips on how to make tofu and tempeh palatable to the novice tongue.
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I’m just a lonely chef thinking about how I could make all your dreams come true. You could eat while getting eaten.
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Now that’s a cooking show I’d watch!
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Combine it with Hot Ones, the show with hot wings and even hotter questions. Watch as your favorite celebrities try to answer questions while eating increasingly spicy and food and approaching orgasm.
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You know I see the question pizza during or after some is going asked a lot on queer tumblr and most of the answers are never did during doesn’t like it is for me.
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Al I need a translation
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Would you have 2-for-1 offers?
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Yes, but they make you reenact the Two Ladies scene from Cabaret
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As long as I’m Joel Grey in that scenario I’m good! I’m assuming you have the costume for one of the ladies…
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No, but I do have the same outfit that the trombonist wore
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So are you going to make us wait impatiently for the accompanying photo or
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You’ve waited long enough I suppose. It’s been a while, but isn’t this the outfit?
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Did they do purple hair in the 1930s? Not sure, but you could probably be persuasive
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Purple hair to fight Nazis
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Ok Snow I’ll forgive you not having the ladies outfit if you wear that!
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I’m honestly not going to fit into those clothes anymore. I was possibly as big as a 32-34A back then. Now I’m a 38D. I have a for-real butt too, and those old Dogpile bondage pants don’t have any give.
I could swing a mu-mu for sure though
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Also effective against Nazis
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That would be some REALLY weird anime Chandra..
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Swingin’ MuMu’s of the French Maid Cafe Resistance Underground
Season One: They did Nazi that Coming
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Five Guys just give me a large order of their fries after marathon sex and we’re good.
If I don’t eat them all they might end up in an omelette later.
There is not enough time or space for me to talk sit down restaurants because I live in a foodie place that’s been a foodie place since before the concept or word “foodie” came to be.
People ask me where to eat I blue screen. Too much data to process.
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Five guys in an omelette? I dunno, that sounds kinda threatening
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Fried potato in omelette is food of the gods, it’s okay to feel threatened by such majesty.
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Ohhhhhh I thought the dudes were getting thrown in the pot, all five of them at once, like that’s a hell of a way to thank someone for 🍟
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Five Guys is a fast food place and I forget it’s mostly East Coast and the Southeast.
I’m not that kind of witch dear Snow and besides people taste like pork which is icky.
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Ahhh yes. Avoid the pork people. Be gay, do magic!
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just here to point out that the olive garden offers neverending bowls and endless refills of tossed salad and also that when you are there, you are FAMILY
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There comes a time when I say, “please stop tossing my salad, I’ve had enough, it must end somehow”.
Also that place seems pretty gross generally, like if I get a choice I’m choosing A DIFFERENT family, you know? One that won’t keep tossing salad after I begged them to stop.