Comedy

I’m Trying to F*ck These Restaurants So HML and Let’s Get To It

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I could sit here and give you a list of women who I want to treat my vagina like In-N-Out all night long, I mean, have you SEEN Jacqueline Toboni in The New L Word trailer?! Yet, I figured it would be more fun for me to tell you restaurants that I would fuck if they were people. Why? Because on the way home from work the other day I couldn’t decide if I wanted to go eat or if I wanted to be someone’s dinner so – here we are.

Let me start with what seems to be an unpopular opinion. Fast-food chains are restaurants, DO NOT ACT BRAND NEW. You can go inside and sit, you can order to-go or, you can even get it delivered while you roll around in bed with a different type of snack. So I encourage you to not only @ me all you want on that but let’s get going shall we?!

Golden Corral

Not the greatest but when I get there they have plenty of options for me to choose from. However, I won’t like it a lot and will feel like I wasted my time coming here. The playlist is bad but easy to tune out since the focus turns to filling my mouth with mediocre sweet treats.

Olive Garden

Nice enough but only in the “I feel nostalgic” sort of way. Will make me wait for at least an hour for literally no good reason. It’s never as good as I remember it being but I drove all the way over there so might as fucking well.

Taco Bell

SEEMS like a good idea after various late-night mistakes. There is a high chance that I’ll regret it as soon as I walk through the door. My friends won’t judge when I say where I went because they too know just how satisfying it can be.

Fridays

When I want zero surprises and multiple rounds that are just filling enough I’m coming to you. Always has an attitude from start to finish but I don’t care because it hits the spot every fucking time. I tend to overstay my welcome and always get drunk but I just chalk it up to just having a good time.

Jet’s Pizza

Basically the perfect hook-up. Non-problematic on social media, hot since high school and hasn’t become a jerk now that more people know who they are. Used to only be able to get it when I went home once a year but now they live in Chicago and I can have it whenever I want. When asking the group chat is it a good idea to visit them it is ALWAYS met with a resounding “Absolutely.”

7-11

Bonus (The side piece)

You only visit in the summer when you want something sweet to slurp on. When the season is over there are no hard feelings. They let you do your thing in the winter because they know you’ll bring your ass right on back next summer.

Make your own list in the comments and let me know who gets first dibs on your take out box.

Related:

Shelli Nicole is a Detroit-raised, Chicago-based writer. Her work has appeared in Bustle, HelloGiggles & Marie Claire. She is terrified of mermaids and teenagers equally.

Shelli has written 82 articles for us.

63 Comments

    • So ok here’s the story, I knew a geeky kid in middle school who manned up and went out for wrestling, but he got his arm between another kid’s legs and that kid scissored and snapped his humerus in a nasty compound fracture and he was rushed to the ER and they set his arm and then as they were discharging him someone said “oh here’s some narcs” and when I visited him later that night he was on the couch in a big ol’ cast drooling bean juice all over from the burritos his mom had got him on the way home and he said “those are the best bean burritos I ever had” and laughed like a kid all fucked up on drugs but then all through high school he’s get shaky and have to go smash 3 or 4 of those bad boy burritos into his face while softly crying and mumbling how much he hated himself but hey at least he never got hooked on painkillers amiright

      Also when Taco Bell opened their first restaurant in my town they had a mariachi band and gave away free tacos and everyone thought it was classy. That lasted two minutes.

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  5. I like to call 7-11 old reliable, cause I know I can always trust it to have what I want & it’s easy to get a hold of. Last night after work I wanted to stop at one for gum & a pick me up, I went to one, but parking was packed. So I went to a different one on my way to the concert. I passed at least 3 other ones, including one I went into.

    I keep seeing ads for Golden Corral, but I’ve never seen one in my area or nearby. Where would you put Joe’s Crab shack on this list?

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  11. Five Guys just give me a large order of their fries after marathon sex and we’re good.
    If I don’t eat them all they might end up in an omelette later.

    There is not enough time or space for me to talk sit down restaurants because I live in a foodie place that’s been a foodie place since before the concept or word “foodie” came to be.
    People ask me where to eat I blue screen. Too much data to process.

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    • There comes a time when I say, “please stop tossing my salad, I’ve had enough, it must end somehow”.

      Also that place seems pretty gross generally, like if I get a choice I’m choosing A DIFFERENT family, you know? One that won’t keep tossing salad after I begged them to stop.

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