If You Could Be Any Type of Cereal In The World, What Would You Be?

I use an online software situation called “formspring” which enables strangers to ask me questions, tell me how much they love me and tell me how much they hate me.

Recently, a person asked me a question on formspring that I’m having trouble answering! I want to say “Lucky Charms” but I feel like that’s cheating. Maybe you could help me.

“If you could be any type of cereal in the world, what would you be? Please explain.”

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Riese is the 41-year-old Co-Founder of Autostraddle.com as well as an award-winning writer, video-maker, LGBTQ+ Marketing consultant and aspiring cyber-performance artist who grew up in Michigan, lost her mind in New York and now lives in Los Angeles. Her work has appeared in nine books, magazines including Marie Claire and Curve, and all over the web including Nylon, Queerty, Nerve, Bitch, Emily Books and Jezebel. She had a very popular personal blog once upon a time, and then she recapped The L Word, and then she had the idea to make this place, and now here we all are! In 2016, she was nominated for a GLAAD Award for Outstanding Digital Journalism. She's Jewish and has a cute dog named Carol. Follow her on twitter and instagram.

Riese has written 3203 articles for us.


  1. Otees!! _smurfs addition.. Not only are they blue, but they contain > marshmallows!!! Although I must admit rainbowrific sounds awesome!

  2. Cinnamon Toast Crunch because, goddamn is that stuff delicious. I could it eat by the bucket.
    Or at least for dinner every night like I have the past two weeks.

    • I was one of those kids who went through few weird food stages but one of them was only eating cinnamon toast crunch and coffee cakes. So easy to eat constantly!

  3. Cascadian Farm Organic Dark Chocolate Almond Granola Cereal, because I”m dark chocolate, healthy, and taste great.

  4. australian/nz mini-wheats (we don’t do frosted). in which i am dry on the outside but fruity on the inside.

    • They used to have so much more filling than they do now. You have to eat a whole bunch at once to get anywhere near as much flavour.

  5. Golden Grahams, because it’s my favorite and I’m my favorite and we could be delicious and golden together all day long.

  6. All-Bran golden Crunch! Coz the crunchy mixed cereal pieces with a caramel flavour and fruits are irresistible. When you start eating them, no waaaaay you can stop

  7. Lion Cereal because it is a lion bar in cereal form and also because I just discovered it and it is my jam rn.

  8. Big ol’ homo homemade lesbo granola. Recipe courtesy of Autostraddle, that honey maple one specifically.

    • We haven’t granola’d in a while. We should granola again soon. And get some yoghurt.

  9. KABOOM: What happens when Fruit Loops and Lucky Charms procreate.

    the magical appearance of the actual image in this comment is brought to you by vegan unicorns and the autostraddle community managerettes

  10. I think I’m going to go with fruity pebbles…
    But maybe I’m only saying that because I had pink berry yesterday.

  11. Cap’n Crunch because… Well because… (i can’t believe i’m actually trying to explain this in a logical way!!) Because it’s freaking awesome and i love it! :-D

  12. They’re bunches of oats sweetened with honey, sometimes with bananas already in the box (and sometimes with almonds too!), that’s why I’d be Honey Bunches of Oats.

  13. Gluten-free cereal obvs. You don’t really like me at first because I don’t taste as good as regular cereal but as time progresses you begin to enjoy my company and appreciate what I bring to the table/your stomach, so you start to love me and appreciate me for what I am.

    P.S. this is a 100% accurate representation of gluten-free cereal (and me sort of)

    • I’ve had some amazing Gluten free cereal, including the best cornflakes I’ve tasted, so I’m suprised you’ve not had good experiences…except for buckwheat. I am not a buckwheat cereal.

  14. Rice crispies. I’m a bit scatterbrained and noisy but I’m more fun than I seem right off the bat.

  15. Muesli mix. Healthy and has lots of fiber… Not to mention I like the way it be crunchin’ in my mouth!

  16. Peanut Butter Panda Poofs! Because they are sweet and crunchy and peanut-buttery and have a really fun-to-say name. And there are cute pandas on the box.

  17. Puffins, because the bird after which they are named is ridiculously cute, like someone I know. And the cereal is pretty good too.

  18. My choice is aspirational, because I would get depressed trying to think of my realistic cereal analog: Reese’s Puffs. IT IS THE BEST.

  19. peanut butter crunch!!
    but any and all peanut butter flavored things are delish soo…

  20. Cheerios. I can turn the maturity switch on for responsible adults, but being around kids brings out my secretly goofy side. However, my silliness never crosses over into the realm of obnoxiousness; I know how to balance my goofiness and maturity very well. I also like experimenting with my look–I can keep it classic and low-key (like original Cheerios), go bright and colourful (like fruity Cheerios), or venture off into the land of interesting, but not for everyone (like peanut butter Cheerios, or dulce de leche Cheerios).

    I spent about 25 minutes thinking of that. I’m not ashamed.

  21. I’d say Special K yogurt + fresh strawberries because they’re healthy and delicious. And strawberries are sexy. I like sexy.

  22. Old-school Cheerios in chocolate milk, because I’m a balance of what’s good for you and what’s indulgent… and it’s what I crave at midnight.

  23. Rice Krispies Treats cereal…a sweet twist on a classic, remembered fondly by those who’ve enjoyed it in the past. I may not be quite as goddamn life-changingly delicious, however.

  24. Special K Fruit & Yogurt and without a doubt.

    The flakes are just enough crunch for your breakfast or all other meals of the day (like me). The little fruit clusters are a nice zing to compliment the crunch and the yogurt balls are a delicious surprise because they like to hide in the milk! Adding some fresh fruit and a dash of cinnamon on those special mornings makes it pretty darn good too.

  25. Reese’s puffs; whoever came up with the idea of combining peanut butter and chocolate is a fucking genius

  26. Riese may be the Editor-in-Chief of Autostraddle, but can she see why I’d like to be Cinnamon Toast Crunch?

    (Mostly I just love the old commercials for it. And now I want some.)

  27. I think I’d have to be Chex squares, because I have a habit of soaking up the environment around me…. and exploding in your mouth.

  28. I would be a family-sized box Reese Puffs, poured in its entirety into an industrial-sized mixing bowl. Actually, this IS who I am, so I really just want to share with you that I’m living the dream.

  29. Golden Grahams because I’m a sweet, delicious square. And I am a great companion to Saturday morning cartoons.

  30. Never was a cornflake girl…

    I would like to be whatever Tegan’s eating in the article photo ;)

  31. The obvs. correct answer is Cinnamon Toast Crunch. There are cinnamon swirls in EVERY bite

  32. WeetBix or CrunchyNut Honey nut (the one with the nuts actually in it) sooo good. Or Nesquik cereal. Loved that as a kid.

  33. I love how there’s 60+ comments on a thread about cereal. We queers enjoy our breakfast foods!

  34. Weetabix (with vanilla almond milk). Mmm, delicious cardboard.

    But it is discouragingly hard to find in America…

  35. Cracklin’ Oat Bran, because my grandma always had it at her house.
    Fiber + Childhood Memories = Happy Lesbian

  36. Peanut Butter Cheerios. Because… PEANUT BUTTER! And with chocolate milk they are AMAZING PEANUT BUTTER!

  37. OH!S

    aka the only breakfast cereal that leaves your hands greasy after you stuff it into your mouth. that isn’t even a metaphor.

  38. Golden Grahams.
    Needs no explanation, but I’ll give one anyway. The single most amazing cereal ever to be invented!

  39. Cascadian Farm Cinnamon Crunch because though I’m mostly spicy, I can be a little sweet as well.

  40. I don’t like cereal. I don’t know what one I’d be, but I’d be self-loathing. :(

  41. Hmmm, frosted mini-wheats. I’m short hence the mini. The wheat part is the adult side of me, with the frosting showing that I’m still a kid at heart.

  42. CORN POPS! It’s hard to stop when it pops!

    I mean! It’s hard to stop when it’s pops.

  43. Well, this is not the thread for me. I don’t like breakfast. Does this make me a bad lady homo?

  44. How about Killer, Cereal Killer. Then everyone else can be toast.

    Hmm, too much bad punnery? I seem to have got myself into a jam. :)

  45. Haggen, this grocery in my city, sells off-brand Lucky Charms called Mallow Oats. I’d want to be those, because they’re fucking delicious but weird looking and have a name that makes people laugh, in a good way.

  46. This topic is awesome because I always say if I was a cereal, I’d be a Queerio. Sweet like Cheerios but a little lumpier and also fruitier

  47. Marks & Spencer’s Triple Chocolate Crunch. It’s the only kind of cereal I can stomach.

  48. Probably honey nut cheerios. I’m not super interesting or exciting, but your parents like me, I’m pretty sweet and a little nutty, and I’m good for yer heart health, so that you can leave me a happier, stronger, whole-r girl, and I’ll just be here, being cereal, without you.

  49. goji almond and chia seed granola with pears and oat milk and a small dusting of dark chocolate! SUCH A TREAT!

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