If You Could Be Any Type of Cereal In The World, What Would You Be?

I use an online software situation called “formspring” which enables strangers to ask me questions, tell me how much they love me and tell me how much they hate me.

Recently, a person asked me a question on formspring that I’m having trouble answering! I want to say “Lucky Charms” but I feel like that’s cheating. Maybe you could help me.

“If you could be any type of cereal in the world, what would you be? Please explain.”

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Riese is the 41-year-old Co-Founder of Autostraddle.com as well as an award-winning writer, video-maker, LGBTQ+ Marketing consultant and aspiring cyber-performance artist who grew up in Michigan, lost her mind in New York and now lives in Los Angeles. Her work has appeared in nine books, magazines including Marie Claire and Curve, and all over the web including Nylon, Queerty, Nerve, Bitch, Emily Books and Jezebel. She had a very popular personal blog once upon a time, and then she recapped The L Word, and then she had the idea to make this place, and now here we all are! In 2016, she was nominated for a GLAAD Award for Outstanding Digital Journalism. She's Jewish and has a cute dog named Carol. Follow her on twitter and instagram.

Riese has written 3121 articles for us.


  1. Otees!! _smurfs addition.. Not only are they blue, but they contain > marshmallows!!! Although I must admit rainbowrific sounds awesome!

  2. Cinnamon Toast Crunch because, goddamn is that stuff delicious. I could it eat by the bucket.
    Or at least for dinner every night like I have the past two weeks.

    • I was one of those kids who went through few weird food stages but one of them was only eating cinnamon toast crunch and coffee cakes. So easy to eat constantly!

  3. australian/nz mini-wheats (we don’t do frosted). in which i am dry on the outside but fruity on the inside.

    • They used to have so much more filling than they do now. You have to eat a whole bunch at once to get anywhere near as much flavour.

  4. Golden Grahams, because it’s my favorite and I’m my favorite and we could be delicious and golden together all day long.

  5. All-Bran golden Crunch! Coz the crunchy mixed cereal pieces with a caramel flavour and fruits are irresistible. When you start eating them, no waaaaay you can stop

  6. KABOOM: What happens when Fruit Loops and Lucky Charms procreate.

    the magical appearance of the actual image in this comment is brought to you by vegan unicorns and the autostraddle community managerettes

  7. I think I’m going to go with fruity pebbles…
    But maybe I’m only saying that because I had pink berry yesterday.

  8. Cap’n Crunch because… Well because… (i can’t believe i’m actually trying to explain this in a logical way!!) Because it’s freaking awesome and i love it! :-D

  9. They’re bunches of oats sweetened with honey, sometimes with bananas already in the box (and sometimes with almonds too!), that’s why I’d be Honey Bunches of Oats.

  10. Gluten-free cereal obvs. You don’t really like me at first because I don’t taste as good as regular cereal but as time progresses you begin to enjoy my company and appreciate what I bring to the table/your stomach, so you start to love me and appreciate me for what I am.

    P.S. this is a 100% accurate representation of gluten-free cereal (and me sort of)

    • I’ve had some amazing Gluten free cereal, including the best cornflakes I’ve tasted, so I’m suprised you’ve not had good experiences…except for buckwheat. I am not a buckwheat cereal.

  11. Rice crispies. I’m a bit scatterbrained and noisy but I’m more fun than I seem right off the bat.

  12. Muesli mix. Healthy and has lots of fiber… Not to mention I like the way it be crunchin’ in my mouth!

  13. Peanut Butter Panda Poofs! Because they are sweet and crunchy and peanut-buttery and have a really fun-to-say name. And there are cute pandas on the box.

  14. My choice is aspirational, because I would get depressed trying to think of my realistic cereal analog: Reese’s Puffs. IT IS THE BEST.

  15. Cheerios. I can turn the maturity switch on for responsible adults, but being around kids brings out my secretly goofy side. However, my silliness never crosses over into the realm of obnoxiousness; I know how to balance my goofiness and maturity very well. I also like experimenting with my look–I can keep it classic and low-key (like original Cheerios), go bright and colourful (like fruity Cheerios), or venture off into the land of interesting, but not for everyone (like peanut butter Cheerios, or dulce de leche Cheerios).

    I spent about 25 minutes thinking of that. I’m not ashamed.

  16. I’d say Special K yogurt + fresh strawberries because they’re healthy and delicious. And strawberries are sexy. I like sexy.

  17. Old-school Cheerios in chocolate milk, because I’m a balance of what’s good for you and what’s indulgent… and it’s what I crave at midnight.

  18. Rice Krispies Treats cereal…a sweet twist on a classic, remembered fondly by those who’ve enjoyed it in the past. I may not be quite as goddamn life-changingly delicious, however.

  19. Special K Fruit & Yogurt and without a doubt.

    The flakes are just enough crunch for your breakfast or all other meals of the day (like me). The little fruit clusters are a nice zing to compliment the crunch and the yogurt balls are a delicious surprise because they like to hide in the milk! Adding some fresh fruit and a dash of cinnamon on those special mornings makes it pretty darn good too.

  20. Riese may be the Editor-in-Chief of Autostraddle, but can she see why I’d like to be Cinnamon Toast Crunch?

    (Mostly I just love the old commercials for it. And now I want some.)

  21. I think I’d have to be Chex squares, because I have a habit of soaking up the environment around me…. and exploding in your mouth.

  22. I would be a family-sized box Reese Puffs, poured in its entirety into an industrial-sized mixing bowl. Actually, this IS who I am, so I really just want to share with you that I’m living the dream.

  23. WeetBix or CrunchyNut Honey nut (the one with the nuts actually in it) sooo good. Or Nesquik cereal. Loved that as a kid.

  24. Weetabix (with vanilla almond milk). Mmm, delicious cardboard.

    But it is discouragingly hard to find in America…

  25. Cracklin’ Oat Bran, because my grandma always had it at her house.
    Fiber + Childhood Memories = Happy Lesbian

  26. Peanut Butter Cheerios. Because… PEANUT BUTTER! And with chocolate milk they are AMAZING PEANUT BUTTER!

  27. Hmmm, frosted mini-wheats. I’m short hence the mini. The wheat part is the adult side of me, with the frosting showing that I’m still a kid at heart.

  28. Haggen, this grocery in my city, sells off-brand Lucky Charms called Mallow Oats. I’d want to be those, because they’re fucking delicious but weird looking and have a name that makes people laugh, in a good way.

  29. This topic is awesome because I always say if I was a cereal, I’d be a Queerio. Sweet like Cheerios but a little lumpier and also fruitier

  30. Probably honey nut cheerios. I’m not super interesting or exciting, but your parents like me, I’m pretty sweet and a little nutty, and I’m good for yer heart health, so that you can leave me a happier, stronger, whole-r girl, and I’ll just be here, being cereal, without you.

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