If Looks Could Kill, Your [Other] Mom Would Be Dead

As you know, although we’re all presently alive, we will one day be dead as doornails. Some earlier than others; e.g., Dana Fairbanks, who came down with a mean case of Chaiken Cancer two years ago and died almost instantly. We’ll always remember Dana as a victim of The L Word‘s effort to kill & gut & emotionally manipulate its most loyal fans. There’s a new Season Six promo that suggests with trademark beating-a-dead-horse-isms that someone will be killed this season. “If looks could kill,” the smarmy voice over woman deadpans … “this season the killer looks are not just about beauty” … “look out for a killer season of The L Word …” Either this means a guest spot by The Killers (which’d be fitting, as “Read my Mind” is the best song to do the Leisha Hailey dance to), or it means one of Papi’s bitches is gonna come back for some old-fashioned justice. Who will it be?

First, we must look back to other shows that have done the same thing. Dawson’s Creek teased us with a season finale death only to kill the girl we all hated anyhow. I don’t even remember her name, she drowned. South of Nowhere shot Clay ’cause he was leaving the show. Someone got shot on Felicity, right? J.T. in Degrassi, which was inhumane. The O.C. killed Marissa, which killed the show. Conclusion? Guns don’t kill people, television executives kill people. That doesn’t get us any closer to cracking the code of this season.


Angelica, Suspect #1
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Who Will Die? : Season Six Death-MatchThese are the possibilities:

Dana: My first guess is DANA. She already died once, so clearly we’re prepared. This time around it’d be different, we won’t see a healthy tennis player with access to the best medical care in the universe die a week after her first doctor’s visit. THIS TIME, Lara will shoot her in the head when Ghost Dana comes back from the dead and Lara catches Ghost Dana in bed with Alice! And though it’ll be sad, it’ll also be happy, ’cause everyone will say; “At least she got to be with Alice one last time! OMG! Alice is so cute!”

Jenny: Most people seem to be leaning towards Jenny. This is ’cause everyone’s confusing “Who would I like to kill?” with “who’s gonna be killed.” Jenny will never die, she is immortal, like Satan.

Max/Moira
: This would be the least painful option, as Max isn’t really anyone’s favorite character. However, they would never kill the token transsexual, and allegedly his/her transition to whatevs is a big plot point this season.

Shane: As the most likely to go on a drug bender or fuck the wrong man’s wife, Shane would seem prime dead weight for the role of Mr. Body in the Billiard Room with the candlestick. Howevs, I imagine Kate Moening is kinda “Shane for Life” and might have trouble getting quality work that pays well after this show (as lesbian entertainments aside from this show are notoriously underfunded), and therefore I expect to see her by Alice’s side in The L Word Spinoff.

Alice: I know … Alice can’t get killed ’cause of the spinoff. That’s what you think, right? But what IF the spin-off takes place in HEAVEN? And Dana could be in it! And Bette’s Dad!

Bette: Bette Porter is not mortal. She isn’t just boring old flesh and blood like the rest of us. Bette Porter is a superhuman! She doesn’t have superpowers, she’s just very special and looks nice and put together. Can you imagine her being dead and bloody? No.

Tina: Tina’s the mother, you cannot kill the mother. Also considering how upset Bettina fans get if Bette casts a wandering eye anywhere besides Tina’s tightly pursed lips, I imagine they’d rally in the streets No-on-8 style were Tina to be offed.

Tasha: Tasha’s a cop and is following the Keith Charles personality curve already — so my money’s on her to shoot someone. Then she can go back to trial, which’s where she really shines.

Jodi: As mentioned before, she’d be the easiest to kill ’cause she wouldn’t hear you coming up behind her. Also it could be following up on Season Five’s foreshadowing, remember that student in her art class with the soap gun? Remember that? I barely do. Is she gonna be on the show still?

Kit: The black girl, obvs. Maybe someone from her crazy past on the road as Kit Porter the Wild Child Rock ‘n B superstar will return to settle the score? Maybe Billie Blakie or Dawn Denbo still wanting a piece of The Planet? Maybe Mangus wanting a piece of that ass? Maybe Papi wanting a piece of that ass?

Papi: Look, Papi’s supposed to come back this season but I don’t see her in the promos! Also then we could say “the time they pop’ed Papi,” and when she died we’d all go: “Really? Papi? Really?” We’re not attached to her since her character’s about tablespoon-deep.

Mr. Burns: Asking for it.

Marina:
I like it when teevee shows have a “let’s go to Paris” episode.

Helena:
My bets are on Helena. She’s popular and we’d miss her, but we’ve already dealt with losing her once and her personality changes so much every season, there’s really nothing she could do to surprise us. Her connections to the gang are tenuous enough that Ilene could easily pretend like nothing happened after she’s gone. There could be drama w/money post-death. She’s got connections in JAIL. Also, she has a taste for danger that her actual danger-related survival skills can’t really match.

Helena in the Conservatory with the dagger, I say. Colonel Mustard did it. That’s code for Helena’s girlfriend Dusty, ’cause Dust and Mustard are similar colors if you’re colorblind.

Phyllis: Much like Max, Phyllis is too token to die. She’s the old person. Plus Leonard would be livid and probs file a lawsuit against the entire Nation of Gays.

Molly
: Actually, they’d totally do that to Shane. I mean, it could be a moment of reckoning, even, they like giving Shane moments of reckoning. Or Carmen’s brother/father Papi (I know it’d be confusing to have two characters named Papi, but I feel like if it works so well once, you might as well do it again, you know?) could come into town to fuck her up … you never know …

Denbo or Lover Cindy
: That would just make way too much sense. Plus I didn’t see Keener’s hair waving in the wind in that preview.

That’s all, toodles! Stay away from guns, kids!


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Riese is the 35-year-old CEO, CFO and Editor-in-Chief of Autostraddle.com as well as an award-winning writer, blogger, fictionist, copywriter, video-maker and aspiring cyber-performance artist who grew up in Michigan, lost her mind in New York City and mellowed out in California before returning to Michigan for reasons that are unclear to her now. Her work has appeared in nine books including "The Bigger the Better The Tighter The Sweater: 21 Funny Women on Beauty, Body Image & Other Hazards Of Being Female," magazines including Marie Claire and Curve, and all over the web including Nylon, Queerty, Nerve, Bitch, Emily Books and Jezebel. She had a very popular personal blog once upon a time, and then she recapped The L Word, and then she had the idea to make this place, and now here we all are! In 2016, she was nominated for a GLAAD Award for Outstanding Digital Journalism. Follow her on twitter and instagram.

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16 Comments

  1. 0

    omg. abby was the popular chick on dawson’s creek who drowned because of drinking/not worshiping katie holmes… let this be a lesson to us all. ‘Member when michael pitt was playing jen’s bf? ‘Member when they got a GAY on that show?! He didn’t have to die. I digress.
    In my queerlit class, we spent a lot of time talking about how happy gay people always have to die, because that’s not as threatening to the straights and their romance becomes martyrdom.
    For this reason, I’m putting my $$ on Tina- she’d make the best martyr. Plus, can you imagine the gorgeous pieta they could do with her in bette’s arms coming out of a burning building? Think about it.

    I had hoped Jenny was eaten by a shark at the end of season 4, but it turns out she just FLOATED TO SOUTH AMERICA to hang out with Mr. Hall and Ms. Geist.

  2. 0

    I did think of Alice dying and then having the whole spin-off set in the Other World. I could live with that to see Dana and Alice together again.

    I’m going with Helena, Cindy or Tasha.

  3. 0

    Silly rabbits, Jenny will live forever.

    My vote’s for Helena too. Didn’t we leave off with her running away with Dusty? bitch is trouble and y’all know it.

    The thing about dust and mustard made me LOL twice. amazing.

  4. 0

    ooo ooo ooo! The best part of Michael Pitt on Dawson’s was that you know how when they cast shows like that, they often get it down to like the brunette and the blonde? (like for the brady bunch, they had entire brunette and blonde families cast that were outsed in favor of another hair color). The last dark-haired man in the picture was my ex-boyfriend — and he’d been my actual boyfriend about a month earlier, so I was obvs planning to reconnect had he landed the part. Oh, actors.

    Anyhow back to lesbians — did Peggy die in the last episode? I can’t remember. Anyhow if she did, that’s just more ammunition for the spinoff in the afterlife, obvs.

  5. 0

    i’m la-la-laughing forever after reading this. can’t wait for the recaps.
    i think peggy is still alive.
    my vote is for tasha…

    sidenote: in germany we have a new gay tv-station…can you imagine that? a gay tv-station…it’s crap, but it’s a gay tv-station…plus: the l word season one is actually on air. the synchronization-voices sound (sorry for using the word) retarded…(i like using the word)…really retarded…i can’t watch it.

    so…is anyone still reading my shit of the day?

    xo

  6. 0

    My bets are on helena, too. it would explain why the spin-off is being filmed in london. maybe helena left some of her money/property to alice? then, alice would move to london to live in some crazy peabody castle and be adorable. 🙂

  7. 0

    “Look, Papi’s supposed to come back this season but I don’t see her in the promos! Also then we could say “the time they pop’ed Papi,” and when she died we’d all go: “Really? Papi? Really?”…

    Thank you for that, seriously.
    LOL

  8. 0

    I vote for Dana again, because bringing back the dead wouldn’t really bring the writing to too much lower of a point, it would be worth it to see Dana one last time.

    word ver = tergibim. that is the best word EVER, now I need a definition for it.

  9. 0

    i just LOLed a whole lot reading this. i think the idea of the spinoff taking place in the afterlife is perfect. it’s like LOST or something (spoiler alert! jk!)

    actual conversation that might prove useful:

    me: i hope the spinoff is something outlandish, like alice in space or something.
    leisha: it’s pretty out there … not that out there, but … you’ll see.

  10. 0

    Shane. Just because it’s the end. And thousands of lesbos are convinced that they have some special connection with her. And the Chaik likes to hurt people. (i.e.; killing dana, inventing jenny, making angus grow a lot of facial hair). I can just see a massive spike in suicide in the lesbian community with a bunch of suicide notes that all say something about always loving shane, and coming to be with her in homoheaven.

  11. 0

    I already told Oz I’m sure Alice is gonna die so that she can go frolic around with Dana’s ghost in the Afterlife. a.k.a. the oddly-titled and “out there” spinoff.

  12. 0

    Alright, after all that talk about it having to be Tasha (’cause who else would Alice kill?) now Oz is saying (or someone from the convention) said that they’re certain it’s not Tasha, Bette, Tina, Helena or Phyllis.

    I guess now my money is on Melanie Lynski…whatever her character’s name is. Maybe she’ll stick around for the season and Alice will kill her to prove she really loves Tasha… or something equally screwed up.

    Who knows what’s in Ilene’s mind.

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