Q:
I love my gf but some stuff she does annoys me. It’s not my gf all together but just some random stuff she does. I’ve never been a big fan of texting, and especially not texting empty conversations. And she does that a lot and it’s irritating. But I feel bad because obviously she’s texting me because she wants to talk to me, but I don’t like texting and I don’t want to constantly have such empty conversations. I know that sounds mean, I feel mean, but texting me “wyd” 8 times a day then giving a “awh” or “fun” and nothing else makes me irritated. And like obviously she’s doing that because she cares but oh my god I cant explain how dull 70% of our text conversations are. I don’t want to tell her to stop texting me so much because that’s pretty much just saying “stop talking to me” and that’s mean. Sooo any advice?
A:
I don’t think you’re mean for having these feelings, but I do think it sounds like there’s a fundamental difference between you and your girlfriend when it comes to communication, and that might be difficult if not impossible to navigate. My wife and I actually have very different texting styles and relationships to texting. Her friends were shocked — SHOCKED — to learn she texted me back regularly when we were long distance, because she historically is not the best at texting people back. But she prioritized it in the beginning of our relationship, which I appreciated since we were long distance and since I do communicate over the phone frequently, likely having conversations you might consider dull or unnecessary.
And again, it’s fine that you think that! I don’t expect all people to have the same approach to texting as I do, and I’m sure your girlfriend doesn’t either. I think you could simply tell her you aren’t a big texter. Once I understood that about my wife, I could adjust my expectations for texting with her. When she’s going out of town for a while, I have been better about voicing my needs upfront and telling her I’d like to at least hear from her a few times a day. Since we know we’re both different about texting, we can have these conversations and find compromises.
So, yes, I don’t think you should necessary say “stop texting me so much,” but I do think you can say you’re not big on texting, prefer in-person communication, and don’t necessarily want to be asked what you’re doing multiple times a day. You don’t want to say NOTHING, because then resentment could fester and this could all be blown out of proportion. But I think the conversation should be had in a neutral setting, in person, and without telling her you’re ANNOYED by these behaviors.
I do also want to challenge you to really consider how much it takes out of you to answer her texts. I know dull or meaningless conversations can be annoying when you’re not a big texter, but are there other issues in the relationship that are the real underlying reason for the frustration here or is it really JUST about the texts? Something to consider!
You’re not being mean; you just don’t communicate the same way your girlfriend does and you probably have different ideas of what meaningful conversation comprises. This could lead to some larger communication issues down the line, so it’s good to at least talk about it now. Start with letting her know you’re not a big texter and go from there.
You can chime in with your advice in the comments and submit your own questions any time.
Lol I dated someone like this and it also drove me crazy. I love having good text chemistry with my wife. I think the question is do you enjoy your in person interactions? Is the conversation in person fun and interesting? As the relationship progresses and if you move in together, texting won’t matter as much.
Is there anyone you do enjoy texting? I think providing some guidance might be helpful. Something like “when you text me wyd, I find it hard to get a conversation going – it would be easier if x”. For some people like your gf, its more about the act of connecting vs for people like us its about the content
Just tell her straight up (and gently) texting a lot throughout the day is something you don’t like to do. It doesn’t feel like meaningful connection and it’s a little annoying to you. Its ok to share that you find certain behavior or actions annoying.
As an aside, I was lightly triggered at the headline of my gf annoys me. I’ve been on the receiving end of being with someone who bottled up all their frustrations and then exploded randomly one day fully out of context/relation to what we were doing in the moment. We broke up that day and it really hurt me for a long time. This is obviously different, but for me moving forward, I’d rather the person I’m dating be upfront and we have a slightly awkward or uncomfortable convo than unknowingly have her be silently frustrated and rolling her eyes or maybe even *jokingly* complaining about me to others behind my back for months.
“[GF Name], I care about you and I want to make our relationship work for a very long time. So, I need to talk with you / I need your help. I need to text less throughout the day, as texting too much affects my mental health. Is there a certain amount of texting you need, so we can try to meet somewhere text-wise that works for both of us? [Maybe try texting at certain times rather than consistently throughout the day or something.]”
Make this conversation less about what she does and more about what YOU need. Also, put it in your own words. If you talk it out and agree to a system or something, stay consistent with it, and then follow up after about a week to see how she feels about the new system, then iterate the process as needed until you can hopefully find a place that works for both of you. Most people make the mistake of having one conversation, changing something based on that conversation, but never following-up to see if the new change actually works, and then having a new problem on their hands.
LW didn’t mention if they were LD as Kayla and her wife were at one point or if they see each other regularly. That would make a difference in regards to trying to keep in touch. If they have in person contact, texting all the time seems like too much but if it’s long distance I can understand a little bit more. Do they speak on the phone? What is the preferred communication method? I also don’t like to have “empty conversations” but if the gf is trying to start a conversation with something random LW isn’t interested in, respond and say you’ll touch back later. I’m sure LW’s gf doesn’t want to have “empty conversations” either and maybe is equally “annoyed” at times.
yeah i think you can just tell her that look, you prefer to catch up at the day’s end rather than text all day and that you look forward to that instead.
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if you’re feeling like your conversations are boring and empty, are you actively trying to engage in a more meaningful conversation and she’s giving you nothing? or is she putting in the effort and you just aren’t feeling her uncreative approach? i see most people here are focused on the amount of texting, and that’s fair, but it seems to me like the complaint is also about the content of the texting and that seems like something that one can often change just by actually initiating more interesting conversations. unless she’s really insistent on making every conversation boring. just seems like if you’re engaging her enough by talking about mutually appealing topics, she probably wouldn’t feel the need to ask wyd.
(i am a big texter and sometimes asker of such questions, and it’s just a check-in that i only use if the conversation has stalled and i don’t have another good idea of an active way to reengage my texting partner. my ex was really good at more creative approaches but sometimes it’s just basically a penny for your thoughts thing)
^ spot on advice, this. I personally am not text-averse (though it is not my preferred method of communication; much prefer face-to-face when possible) however I do very much feel that girlfriend is simply just trying to connect here. As others have said, you can have a (gentle, kind!) conversation about what you’re looking for here — eg I’d love to chat, but prefer more substantive conversations…and, part of your homework could be initiating conversations that you want to have, as mentioned in the above advice. That way the onus isn’t solely placed on girlfriend to just “be more interesting” and so she doesn’t feel guilty/bad for wanting to connect with her partner, but it also allows you get some of your needs met too by steering the conversations in a way that feels beneficial to you. Of course if the conversations still feel stifled and perhaps she is just a dry/boring texter, you could suggest phone calls at end of day, seeing each other more often (if that’s feasible), writing physical letters, or what have you. Plenty of options here so that both needs are being at least partially met.