High Femme: 6 Super Secret Ways To Hide Your Stash While Home For The Holigays

Calling all Homoganjas! Let’s talk about anything and everything Marijuana related, from legalization to pop culture to how to make your own bong using a box of Diva cups and a broken lamp.

Whether you’re a newbie who doesn’t know a blunt from a joint, or you’re planning your gay dream wedding to Mary Jane, this column is for you. Puff, Puff, Pass.

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Homoganjas, like the famous Christmas carol says, “there’s no place like home for the holidays”. What the song fails to mention is that there is also no place for the weed you brought with you to your parents’ house. Truly, the holidays are a wonderful time to reunite with old friends and family, but oftentimes that is difficult to do without a little herbal assistance. And while some of us are blessed with laid-back, former hippy parents who enjoy a family smoke-up, the vast majority of smokers find themselves having to constantly sneak away from their family for a bud break. It’s like high school all over again, only the weed is more expensive and you’ve stopped coughing…as much.

So in the spirit of the holidays, let’s look at some great ways to hide your stash from your loved ones! Because while you love your family to pieces, sometimes you need a nice green buffer from those weirdos.

In terms of traveling with weed: dear readers, I DO NOT endorse air travel with weed. Plenty of people do it and never get caught. Maybe you are one of them. I give you mad props. But in the interest of keeping yourself out of jail, PLEASE do not bring your marijuana in the vicinity of federal agents! I mean, obvs you do you, I’m not your mom (OR AM I?!?) but please be thoughtful about this. I mean, look what happened to this lady, and she was only smuggling drug money!

There has got to be a better way to bang Laura Prepon

There has got to be a better way to bang Laura Prepon

So be smart and be safe. Unless you’re traveling on Amtrak, where you could wear a glitter top hat with LED lights that spell “homoganja” and no one would bat an eyelash.*

Deodorant

Deodorant is a great place to keep your stash, especially Secret brand if you love wordplay! All you need to do is crank out the deodorant until you can pull the block out (use gloves or a paper towel, that stuff gets everywhere). Wash out the inside, then insert your bag of weed. Cap that shit and you are good to go! Strong enough for a man, pH balanced for a stoner.

Highlighter

This is a fun, small portable stash holder that’s fairly simple to make. All you need is a pair of pliers and a highlighter, and you’re good to go! The first thing you do is take your pliers and pull out the back of the highlighter aka the white part. Once that’s off, remove the ink cartridge and rinse out the empty tube. Again, gloves will be good here, unless you want to look like a Simpsons character. Then pack your stash and you’re done! What’s next? High puns. High puns all day every day.

Stainless Steel Water Bottle

Chances are you have one of these already. They are BPA-free, lightweight, and endlessly reusable. Not to mention they come in cute colors! The big giveaway with marijuana is usually the smell, so any sort of container with a strong seal is a plus. And these bottles are so ubiquitous that you’ll be hiding your stash in plain sight. Sometimes the best solutions are the simplest.

Vitamins

Your stash box needs to be air-tight and opaque for optimal sneakiness. Vitamin pill bottles are a great example of this, plus your family will think that you are finally turning things around and taking care of yourself. Look at you, responsible adult-shaped person who’s getting enough zinc! You’re ready to take on the world.

Edibles

Edibles (especially smaller candies like Cheeba Chews and the like) are a great way to get high in plain sight. But be careful: you don’t want to go down as the idiot who accidentally roofied grandma/Jimmy Jr./Sparky with misplaced snacks. Because that shame will linger.

Another clever use of covert edibles is to mix it in with drug-free snacks. For example, a girl on my Birthright Israel trip (Jewiest sentence opener ever) baked some pot brownies, then crumbled them up into some trail mix. No one knew about it…until she passed out somewhere over the Atlantic ocean on the way to the Promised Land. So ya know, remember your tolerance, kids.

weed-menorah

 

 

Stash Cans

If you’re not one for DIY, there are a myriad of different stash cans you can buy. From soda cans to lighters to shaving cream to WD-40 (hey butches hey!) there is almost nothing that hasn’t been copied and repurposed as a stash can. When I die, I think I’ll just have myself taxidermied and converted into a human stash can. You can add an audio tape of me telling pussy jokes and just leave me on A-Camp mountain like a scarecrow. I’m cool with it.

Where do you stash your weed when you head home for the holidays? Or where do you stash it at work? Do you really have 20 cans of beets or are those all stash cans? Holla at me, homoganjas!

*I’m exaggerating, don’t wear that on a train y’all, be smart and buy herb when you get home.


feature image via shutterstock.com

Chelsea Steiner was born and raised in New Orleans, which explains her affinity for cheesy grits and Britney Spears. She currently resides in sunny Los Angeles, where she works as a screenwriter/blogger/sex educator. She's the writer/director of Thank You Come Again, a queer sex positive web series based on her experiences working the Pleasure Chest, which you can follow on Facebook, Twitter and Instagram. She’s obsessed with dachshunds, Buffy, 90's dance parties, and roller derby. She loves the word "Jewess" and wishes more people used it to describe her. Follow her ramblings on Twitter and her cute puppy pics on Instagram.

Chelsea has written 46 articles for us.

25 Comments

  1. As someone who rides Amtrak to and from A-Camp I can testify to their super lax ways. As long as you have a ticket you’re good. Even if you have the A-Camp plague… They just don’t really want you near them then, lol.

    I think the menorah is my fave part of this!! Happy Belated Hanukkah Chelsea!! Also there are some funny, random results mixed in with the stash cans on Amazon. I’m sure they’re relevant but at first glance I didn’t see it.

  2. I would not suggest bringing weed in or out of Baltimore by Amtrak? That used to be how a lot of srs bsns dealers brought drugs in from NYC and for some reason there is still always a K9 unit parked in front of the train station. I haven’t ever seen an actual DOG but they have the SUVs. SO. I do not know. But I DO know that Amtrak on the east coast is stupid expensive anyway and you should probably just take Bolt Bus. (or megabus, I guess, if that’s your jam)

  3. – Old wireless PS2 controllers. Just put your greenery in the battery compartment.
    – Baby food jars are really nifty for it, small and portable. I’ve put reaaalllly dank bud in ziplocs, then a baby food jar, and then a portable lock-box and there’s no smell.
    – PACKS OF GUM OR MINTS! It masks the smell and you can hide it under the mints after you roll up (altoids are pretty great).
    Urm.
    – I used to put mine in an old batting glove or catcher’s mitt I had…leather masks the dank.
    – If you have accessories (grinder, dugout, one-hitter, pipe, papers, blunts, etc.) you can fit them all in a Pringles can. Put cotton or tissue around them (preferably cotton) so that they aren’t just bouncing around in there making noise and waking the neighbors.

  4. I use the vitamin bottle method.
    I try not to use things that other people in my house might use.. I am way too paranoid for that. I have an old Rx bottle that has my name on it so no one questions it :)

    But that deoderant idea.. I would not have thought of. that’s a good one.

  5. I haven’t tried it, but they say Vaseline is great place to hide it, of course in the bag, but with the Vaseline in there still. It suppose to confuse the dogs, specially if you plan to try it on Amtrak in the east coast(based on the comments here).

    I hide mind in a aspirin bottle hidden in a small bag in my closet. Some of it is also packed in my Pax vape ready to be used, which is hidden either next to the bottle, or in a zipper of my camera bag. The rest is hidden in small bottle of everclear for what I plan to make for new years.

  6. I just keep mine in my suitcase until my mom leaves the house.

    Though in terms of flying, I’ve travelled from SF->NY and back, and depending on the airport and your medicinal status its sometimes ok. But call TSA, the airport security, etc, before hand.

  7. You can hide it pre-smoking as well as you like, but this doesn’t really address the issue of it stinking through the whole house in use. Your parents were probably around in the hippie generation, they know the smell, and despite what old flatmates seem to think it does not stay contained or dissipate easily. Edibles may be your best bet -genius super secret trail mix idea!

  8. First off, I was going to D.C. the other day and I was trying to figure this out for some other stuff. My friend’s also told me you can grind things like mushrooms or maryjane and put them into empty vitamin capsules. Mushrooms are too adventurous for family holidays, but I thought the idea was brilliant. In any event, I totally agree, do not take the stuff on a plane. More than likely you won’t get caught, but I don’t think every woman in jail looks like Piper Kerman.

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