Somewhere between uptown and downtown, I realized I was fucked. Maybe it was the drugs, maybe it was exhaustion, or too much soy, or maybe it was food poisoning or that old black magic. I was biking home and felt like I could fly, maybe, like they did in ET.
The last thing I remember before everything turned to Glee was being in my apartment, thinking “my head is made of stars and my pillow is a cloud,” and lying on my bed.
Later, I’d wake up but I wouldn’t actually wake up at all, because later I’d wake up in Glee.
The first thing I hear when I start hearing things again is the opening chirps of “All I Want For Christmas is You,” and before opening my eyes I’m 75% sure I’ll wake up in a winter wonderland containing more cheery chirps and Mariah Carey looking stoned in a white-fur-trimmed red snowsuit:
See, “All I Want For Christmas Is You” is one of my favorite songs of all time. The song’s appearance in Love Actually was the only part of that terrible movie that didn’t make me want to light my face on fire. There was that time I pulled over at a gas station somewhere between Toledo and Columbus to burn “All I Want For Christmas is You,” 12 times, onto a CD-R, so that I could pop it in the CD player and listen to nothing but that song ’til I got to Grove City.
But the first thing I see when I start seeing things again isn’t Mariah Carey on a sled.
It’s Mercedes, wearing a beautiful rack-flattering plum-colored dress, in The Glee Room, decorating a Christmas tree for no reason!
Yup, I’ve dived head-first into what I’ll call Magical Mystery Glee, where everything’s totally fucked up, and I’m there too, but I can’t see myself, and sometimes I’m watching the episode, sometimes I’m the camera, and sometimes I’m a Pirate Queen on a mission to spread Brittana Love throughout the nation. It’s like a wacky drug test and this shit is B-A-N-A-N-A-S and oh, it doesn’t get any better.
I once heard that the only thing more boring than listening to someone describe their dream is to listen to someone describe their acid trip, but seriously this little “episode” is totally worth telling.
So everybody’s there — the entirety of The New Troubletones. Pretty wrapped boxes of packing peanuts are stacked high on tables recently constructed by Western Ohio’s Pop-Up Three-Piece Backup Band. Mercedes and Finn, with constipated facial expressions, are unfurling a roll of wrapping paper for Mike Chang to burst through, trained-seal-style, and behind them, Kurt’s dancing a jig with a CANE in plaid pajama pants and a sweater he stole from Mother Hubbard while Blaine snatched Cookie Monster’s Monsterpiece Theater get-up.
Brittany and Santana decorate Mercedes like she’s a tree, and as Mercedes sings all the children attempt to strangle each other with giant tinsel boas, except Santana and Brittany, who attempt to merge into one body by wrapping themselves momentarily in a giant tinsel boa.
It doesn’t work.
Magical Mystery Glee is even more confusing than actual Glee. In Magical Mystery Glee; Mercedes and Sam are together and her ex-boyfriend never existed, Blaine and Kurt are on the football team, that Senior Class President thing never happened, everybody actually gives a shit about Irish Breakfast, Rachel isn’t Jewish, Puck isn’t Jewish, Sam is maybe-bisexual, Irish Breakfast is maybe-bicurious and Klaine and Finchel haven’t had sex yet. Also, Rachel’s become like oddly status-conscious and super-bitchy about material possessions and sometimes is not Rachel but is Lea Michele, I think, and then later is Dorothy Gale, or Joan Crawford, or a butterfly.
At the end of this song, Rachel & Finn stick their tongues down each other’s throats like two horny high school teenagers and my head does backflips, torturing me with image upon image of this unholy union that has nothing to do with the relationship I was rooting for two years ago. Every kiss is like Finn’s face in a salty open wound.
And that’s when a demonic voice from above tells me that I’ve come here, to Magic Mystery Glee, to find proof that Brittany and Santana are a real couple.
My mission as I believe it to be at that time is to summon Brittana proof for Ryan Murphy or else risk Christmas and Hannukah getting cancelled. Obvs this is a whacked out drug trip dreamstate where this kind of shit makes perfect sense.
So, back in the Hashish Hallways of McKinley High, Rachel’s presenting Finn with a gift list which includes personal delights such as “spray-tan” and “teeth whitening,” and Finn tells Rachel “all I want for Christmas is you” and then she says, “All I want for Christmas is you, too. And five things on that list,” and then they kiss AGAIN.
Swing over to Sue’s office, where she says a bunch of crazy shit including something about Sarah Palin and reindeer hunting and then rallies Artie, Kurt and Blaine, all adorned in inexcusable holiday attire, to come torture the homeless with a Maroon 5 Mash-up on Christmas Eve.
Then we’re back in the Gayly Garnished Glee Room, where Finn’s killed William Goodboy, eaten him, and taken over Glee Club!
Irish Breakfast says something unbalanced about missing his Potato Family and the children delight as he serenades them with “Blue Christmas” and his chain wallet.
The kids are still dressed up for a Very Merry Christmas, except Kurt, who’s sporting a Ski Bunny Safari look complete with camouflage and ear-warmers, ’cause after this class he’s heading straight for Killington.
As Blue Christmas FINALLY ends, Santana says, “Gosh, that song was so depressing, I think I might actually be dead right now.”
Then Rachel The Non-Jew waxes on about the spirit of Christmas or some bullshit that her character would never say and Tina pipes in claiming last year Glee Club Christmas was like The Island of Misfit Toys, which’s the first of many Magical Mystery Moments in which a teenager will reference something only my Grandmother knows about.
Also, Santana and Brittany are sitting farther apart than we are from Russia, so I’m like FUCK, the voices in my head are gonna conspire and blow out my brain from the inside like a coal mine.
Suddenly William Goodboy shows up, also obscenely festive in a plaid-vest situation, and announces nobody’s getting coal in their stockings this year ’cause everybody’s gonna be on television, which is the obvious opposite of “coal in a stocking.”
William Goodboy explains that Mr. Television Man was “blown away” by how many songs The New Directions got to sing at Sectionals and wants them in his Glee Christmas Special, and then like ten seconds later, William Goodboy explains that Mr. Television Man was blown away by Arite’s Dawson-Leary-esque supreme co-direction skills at West Side Story and wants Artie to direct his Glee Special.
This Television Guy guy is like, heavy into McKinley High. Like McKinley High is this major cultural institution, like the Smithsonian.
Then there’s this weird part of this trip/dream where I’m underground and the cave walls are lined with glee tumblrs on tiny shiny screens and the Rachel/Finn version of “Last Christmas” (from Last Christmas) is playing over and over, and I’m screaming that I’ve gotta find Brittana Truth, bring it back to Haymitch, and make Dorothy Snarker post it on her tumblr, or else the Whos in Whoville will run out of tampons.
Then there’s these two deer, and I realize that the deer ARE Brittany and Santana!
BUT THEN, next thing I know…
…we’re back in the Hysterical Hallways of McKinley Magical Mystery High, where Irish Breakfast drops his books so that Sam has an excuse to talk to him. Sam — who is actually Heath Ledger in Sam’s body — saddles up to Irish Breakfast’s locker, which’s decorated from head to waist with stock photography and trinkets from the St.Patrick’s Day Closeout Sale at that store in the mall, to have a man-to-man.
Although Irish Breakfast’s parents reside one ocean and 30,000 miles away and Sam Heathledger’s within a few hours of his allegedly impoverished family, Sam parallels the two experiences, and then parlays that into inviting Irish Breakfast over for Christmas Dinner with Jake Gyllenhaal and Alvin and the Chipmunks. Sam is like, “I’ll be your Christmas Sponsor,” and I’m like “WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT FUCKERY!?!” but then I remind myself that this isn’t real, it’s just fevered hallucinations, so it doesn’t have to make sense.
Irish Breakfast drops that Brit-Brit & Fam are “going on a trip to see a gay Santa, Santa Fe” and at first I’m like PARTY and then I’m like; FUCK! ’cause this fucks with my ability to get the golden proof that Santana and Brittany are actually girlfriends and twitpic it and if I don’t do that I’ll become pregnant with Arlene’s Devilbaby from True Blood. High stakes Christmas.
A character actor with a face like a pincushion calls Artie a “modern day Tiny Tim” and then Chewbacca tells Artie that he’s gotta fit Star Wars into his Christmas Special.
Then! THEN! THIS:
Right? What the fuck? So, obviously, I’m like THIS:
and then like this:
and then we’re back to this:
SORRY, not that, but THIS:
Then Artie tells Mr.Television that it’s gonna be in black and white as an homage to The Judy Garland Christmas Special, which happened in 1963. But like — WHOA — Judy Garland!? Major throwback!
So in Magical Mystery Glee I guess Artie is gay.
Cut to, I think, the auditorium, which Dasher and Dancer have decorated with snow-frosted Christmas Trees donated by Sugar Motta’s benevolent father figure. Lea’s wearing a green dress singing Joni Mitchell’s River and it’s super sad, in a way, but it’s also snowing.
Artie says “River” has harshed his mellow and made him suicidal and additional words come out of Rachel’s mouth while I frantically search for any sign of Lima’s Favorite Lesbians but all I can confirm is Brittany’s shoulder and then, eventually, her sad sad face!
You wanna know who’s bummed? BRITTANY. Girlfriend is BUMMED the FUCK OUT. Like she’s a somber cheerleader dropped into Ghost World and is now smart enough to be cynical about everything. Sometimes she looks like this:
And sometimes it’s more like this:
And then oftentimes, she appeared like so:
Whatevs, back to THIS hootenanny:
Artie’s volleying with The Gays on the topic of Frosty the Snowman, yay or nay, and suddenly Sam gets really dramatic and quits the Glee Christmas Specialtabtacular. He’s gonna find a red bucket and spend the night outside of Odd Lots, pretending to be the Salvation Army and collecting change for The Poor.
Then we’re back in the Hussy Hallways of McKinley High where Rachel (locker adorned with a rainbow flag and Cory Monteith’s headshot), overtaken by The Spirit of Kim Kardashian (as it was written by Finn mere moments ago), demands “bling,” which’s clearly my subconscious re-routing back to this:
Back to Finn (who’s actually Jesus, but I’ll explain that later), who’s got a present for Rachel and it doesn’t look like a Sno-Cone machine.
It isn’t, it’s a Pig which’ll somehow feed a family with #thirdworldproblems, because as I said (and will explain later) Finn isn’t actually Finn in this dream (thank GOD) but a really dopey-looking Jesus Figure.
Rachel’s like, “I’m a vegan,” and I scream YOU’RE ALSO JEWISH AND THEREFORE DON’T EAT PORK ANYHOW and this whole situation is clearly my subconscious addressing my own guilt that we’ve been using the word “Christmas” a lot on Autostraddle to describe “the holidays” which totally contributes to Jewish Erasure and me, me OF ALL PEOPLE, should know better, because I am a Jew.
Right, so! Then suddenly we’re back at the Winter Wonderland of The Glee Room! Rachel and Blaine perform a forgettable rendition of a Christmas song I’ve never heard before and I’m trying to Jedi Mind Control Brittany and Santana, in matching knee-socks and the Winter Edition of the Cheerios Uniform, into a frottage situation.
Brittany and Santana jump out of their pants to dance a dance of romance, briefly, but soon enough they’re back in their chairs, not making out.
Sue, who is almost but not quite a totally different person this in Magical Mystery Glee, is drawn to the Glee Room by a psychic force of scriptwriting magic. She wants to confirm the Gleeks will be do-gooding that Friday with Teh Homeless but they’re totally over it because of the Christmas Show Spectacular on Television. Artie and Sue fight like Artie is the adult and Sue is a kind child with a nice haircut who just wants to feed all the animals. It’s super weird.
Sue asks the room for confirmation that they’re ditching the needy to meet their own needs and Quinn stares at the wall like she just got an abortion.
And then — I wake up.
Not for long, though. So, I rise and drink four glases of water like water is going out of style, and then feel woozy and lie down again and this time I wake up in outer space except actually it’s not, and I’m watching Magical Mystery Glee, but in this totally different dream world that is supposed to be “television” and it’s all in black and white but not yet. Because it’s The Past, but it’s also right now, and nobody’s Jewish, and all of these singles will be available on itunes for less than you’d pay to sponsor a child in need.
Unfortunately, if I’m unable to prove that Santana and Brittany are lesbian lovers than I’ll have to send an Autostraddle Team Member to the reaping — so I’m devastated to see Santana and Brittany introduced as merely the foreground of a gaggle of Other Cheerios. They’ll never make out in front of the other Cheerios. That’s like, the rules of lesbianism.
Like a stab in the subconscious from an axe murderer, we’re shuttled along, Star Tours Style, to Chalet Glee Garland Garden, which’s owned by the OTHER gay couple:
Then everything goes black and white, and Blaine and Kurt are suddenly like, the owners of this chalet conveniently located in the backlot of Gold Star Chili, spreading homosexuality to all the young gay boys of the 1960s.
The boys are gesticulating wildly, snapping compulsively, and delightfully singing “Let it Snow” from start to finish while Brittany and Santana remain in the dugout, chomping on bubble gum and wondering when Brittana Will Be On. I can’t see that Brittany-Santana part, obvs, I just know it’s happening, because I’m all-knowing.
Clearly the same thing happened to these fellas last year — they were forced to acclimate to the indoors on account of blustery snowdrifts of freezing cold winter wonderlands and subsequently required to sing about their weathered situation — except this time it’s slightly less rapey. Because in my imaginary world, everything’s a lot less rapey.
At the song’s end, Blaine and Kurt turn to the camera and begin to address us directly, which at first looks like this:
… but then it looks like THIS:
Kurt: “I’m Kurt Hummel one of your hosts this evening, and this is my best friend and Holiday Roommate, Blaine Anderson.”
Blaine: “Welcome to our bachelor chalet.”
This crazy ass motherfuckery is as fucked as it is funny. There’s some fuss over Kurt’s ebay bid on a laser-powered diamond necklace transporter, which is from a different time period but whatever, it’s just a device to lead us to the next plot twist (aka “message for me from the droids”) which is that THE INTERNET IS DOWN.
Then I’m flipping out like a flapjack because everyone knows Brittana really only actually exists on the internet, we’ll never find them on the show itself, let alone a show-within-a-show-within-an-acid-trip!
Anyhow, so what happens next? Well, in Magical Mystery Glee, Rachel and Mercedes are besties and Rachel is also bisexual, thus the rubber gloves, and then she becomes an old-timey actress I can’t identify but it’s way more delightful than her traditional personality! It’s ten thousand times crazier and funnier than she’s been all season.
My jaw hurts in solidarity with these children who are sporting smiles as strained as Saran Wrap over a giant casserole. Then there’s this weirdness:
Rachel: “Blaine, this is for you –”
Blaine: “Oh! Why thank you so much, Rachel!”
Rachel: [to us in a funny voice] “It’s a bowtie with little Christmas trees on it!”
Blaine: “Would you look at that?”
Rachel: “Would you look at that!! — there’s a little surprise under the wrapping paper…”
Blaine: “Why they’re candy-cane striped capri pants! You know, what the best part is, I actually don’t already own a pair! If you can believe that!”
Kurt: “Jewels and short pants and bowties and good friends, truly this is an ideal evening.”
???!!!
We pause for a delightful presentation of “My Favorite Things,” a single you can buy on itunes for only $1.99. Kurt says he forgot to turn on the oven and also, this:
Kurt: “And then I said to Justin Timberlake, that’s not egg nog!”
And also this:
Blaine: “Geez you guys, it’s really coming out down there.”
Kurt: “Blaine is right, you guys. Global climate change is no laughing matter. Our over-reliance on fossil fuels is causing erratic weather patterns like this one — [gestures towards the window]”
Right? Random, but funny!
Then! THEN! Finn and Puck arrive dressed as Luke Skywalker and Han Solo because that is precisely how much shit is out of hand. Oh also, Santa Claus is coming to town, but you probs already knew that. It happens every year.
Finn knows how to operate a tambourine and is singing a song that’s actually in his range, but it’s mostly a blur, though I do remember feeling like this:
Oh, who’s this at the door?! Obviously it’s the Cheerios Rhythm Gymnastics Team, lead by Heather Morris, dressed in porny Santa outfits and white Go-Go-Boots! They’re singing a song I recognize from a recent nightmare and every time the “camera” moseys over to Brittana area, it cuts immediately, and our necks are snapped like owl-necks, but we survive.
AND then — AND THEN! — and this is when I’m sure this is a drug thing or a fairy thing because my brain could not come up with this complete tomfoolery, AND THEN Irish Breakfast shows up, in an elf outfit, with a miniature book he refuses to read Frosty the Snowman from.
Kurt: “We asked our friend Itchy to stop by and read us a lighthearted, heartwarming, upbeat happy Christmas tale, Frosty the Snowman.”
Itchy the Christmas Elf: “Actually I was going to read that, but I searched my heart and I’m going to read one from a different book.”
I’m 95% sure that he’s gonna whip out Ulysses and we’ll be stuck in this limbo hell until Valentines Day, but instead he reads, I think, The Bible? Everyone stares at him like they’re really into Jesus.
In one or two group shots one can see that Brittany and Santana are holding hands, which isn’t enough. Which means I can’t save Christmas. Also that thing about Brittany going to Santa Fe isn’t true anymore, and she’s not too happy about it:
When Irish Breakfast says “Christ Our Lord,” Rachel Berry shoots a look at Finn, because Finn is Jesus Christ.
So then that whole part is just over and we’re back in color at The House of Good Deeds, where Quinn and Sam are serving baked ziti to the best-dressed group of homeless people I’ve ever seen. Sam says he’d heard Quinn had a rough year but that she seems fine to him, because in Magical Mystery Glee he didn’t talk to her about her rough year exactly seven days ago and declare her issues #whitegirlproblems.
Then WHO’S AT THE DOOR? It’s Artie, some more random children, Emma, and a giant turkey! The gang says that Itchy the Elf’s little Sunday School episode inspired them all to come to the Home of Good Deeds, after they were done filming their show, which, like EVERYTHING that happened during this Coma to End and Begin all Comas, has nothing to do with anything and doesn’t make any sense at all!
Before anyone else can say something embarrassing, it’s time for another musical number. Finn warbles and everyone pretends to like it because he’s Jesus and Jesus has a lot of power.
Mike Chang is dancing with a twelve-year-old and nobody opens any presents because they are all filled with copies of the Glee Christmas Album. A few kids are listening to Irish Breakfast read a story with no fucking idea what he’s saying. Do they know it’s Christmas? I feel like they don’t.
Rachel is back to being actual Rachel and actual Rachel named the pig Barbara and I’m like, fuck, there are like no minutes left, the countdown is on.
Then Finn gives Rachel a star he named after himself, which she hangs up next to the coupons for back massages and other theoretical Finn presents represented by pieces of paper, and then he gives Rachel earrings which she sticks in a Salvation Army bucket.
Then Irish Breakfast asks Sam to be his Valentine’s Day Sponsor because at this part in Magical Mystery Glee, they are both gay.
I guess this is when it hits me — gradually, and then suddenly — that we’re out of minutes, that my head hurts, that I can’t save Christmas after all. That I’m going to wake up from this fever dream with a gnawing pit of emptiness that can only be filled by fulfilling my mission to prove Brittany and Santana are truly in love. I’ve failed on my mission! I’ve FAILED! And just as I admit defeat, I wake up, feel terrible all over again, and then remember that it was just a dream so it doesn’t matter, and then I remember that actually w/r/t Brittana, that dream is not so different than reality, so then I get sad again.
I roll over on my mattress and there’s my girlfriend, right there, on her tiny computer accessing The Internet, and I wonder if she’s been here this whole time and if I talked in my sleep. But it sounds like she’s watching Glee, which I realize I missed while I was sleeping, but as I strain to see her screen she tells me it’s over and I ask her if it’s worth watching or recapping. She tells me, “The highlight of this week’s episode of Glee was the BevMo commercial.”
So I flip on my own laptop and the only thing I see is this picture of Ryan Murphy, staring right back at me:
Happy Holidays, Motherfuckers!
Comments
1. I thought Rachel was really into being Jewish. So why is she asking for Christmas presents? Shouldn’t it be Hanukkah presents?
2. Talking about the birth of baby Jesus with Jews & atheists in the room is awkward.
3. Thank god it’s you instead of us poor kids.
But Brittany & Santana dancing around in those outfits… Yay.
Thats why it was 5 presents, not one.
I thought I was the only one who thought Love Actually was terrible. Everyone seems to love it including my girlfriend. It’s always great to know I’m not the only one. And on a different not I think this recap is awesome as all the other Glee recaps have been and I definitely know I’m not the only one with that thought. Thanks so much Riese!
when i saw love actually in 2003/4, i hated it so much that i re-connected with an ex-boyfriend who i knew would ALSO hate it, just to talk about how much we hated it. then the internet became a part of my life and i was able to find things like this article from videogum to back up my extreme hatred.
and also you’re welcome!
Can we start an ‘I hate Love Actually’ support group? I feel so victimised this time of year.
The day after Thanksgiving I logged on to Tumblr and my entire dashboard was filled with gifs from Love Actually. I still feel victimized.
i saw the film with two friends and when it was over, i was like WOW SO, THAT SUCKED, expecting everyone to agree and they both said “oh i thought it was cute” and i was like WHAT IS THIS WORLD! and this is before i became a radical feminist socialist lesbian, too, i’m sure i’d have whole new issues with it were i to see it again.
i like romantic comedies, i really do! but not love actually. i wanted to like it. UNFORTUNATELY it’s a sloppy poorly-constructed ridiculous piece of shit.
we discussed last night that i could write a comparison of Valentine’s Day and Love Actually to determine which is worse, i haven’t seen Valentines Day yet, but i already know I hate Love Actually more.
OK I have to say that I remember really really loving this movie. Why do you guys hate it? I mean I know it doesn’t make any sense, but is there something I missed that’s especially hate worthy? Also this episode of Glee was so weird I almost thought maybe it didn’t actually happen.
i’d be happy to write my own screed on why i hate this movie with the fury of a thousand suns, but i feel like it’s already been done:
http://videogum.com/250742/the-hunt-for-the-worst-movie-of-all-time-love-actually/franchises/the-hunt-for-the-worst-movie-of-all-time/
http://www.pajiba.com/guides/love-actually-review.php
http://thehairpin.com/2011/12/hate-actually
the only part i could really withstand was the song and the aging rockstar whose whole thing was so obviously ridiculous and stupid that it became truly entertaining
OK, I may have to watch it again. I think I just really love the end when that little girl sings “all I want for christmas is you.” I just really love that song.
Annnd THIS is why I’m thankful I haven’t watched any Glee this year. Even is I miss out on their adorable gays, the adorable gays are the only good things now and half of the adorable gays don’t even get the love they deserve.
Reese, I want to buy you a drink for making through recapping this.
Oh, and I’m Christian and I’m super pissed there was no mention Hanukkah. Showing respect for your own character’s culture is important. You can even be super progressive and *gasp* show their friends supporting them and celebrating Hanukkah with them. Like lesbians kissing, that may be a little too racy for this show though.
*even if
writer monkey can’t write.
I feel like it’s especially stupid because they’ve gone out of their way to point out that Rachel and Puck are Jewish before. It’s just so stupid. What the hell.
I feel like that was one of the problems with adding all of these new writers, the few semblances of canon have been shot to hell. ie. brittana kissing/not kissing, jews.
I will buy the writers a box set of the first two season DVDs, I swear to god.
I’ll pay postage.
“You can even be super progressive and *gasp* show their friends supporting them and celebrating Hanukkah with them. Like lesbians kissing, that may be a little too racy for this show though.”
Racy? But didn’t pretty much every kids’ cartoon in the ’90s have an episode like that? Rugrats even had one for Kwanzaa!
Our society has clearly gone backward, it makes me want to cry :(
This whole episode, I thought I might actually be dead. Good thing Dr. Finn, Medicine Man, popped up at the end to inject us all with the right dose of piping hot irony. Fuck yeah! There’s Finn Fuckson, way up in the sky, LOOKING DOWN ON US!!
Finn bless us, every one.
otoh, Dr. Quinn, Lesbian Woman is a spinoff I would treasure forever & ever.
This recap made me cry laughing. Except for the caption “God I got more screentime when I was dating boys” because, like… argh. This whole Brittana thing is just really sad.
I think I’m just gonna listen to my fave Jewish artists when it’s Chanukkah…I’m subjected to all this Christmas music 24/7 at the mall.
This episode was so lame. That is all I have to say about it.
I swear, when when that whole thing with Finn naming the star after himself went down, I dry retched.
This show is written by monkeys. And the worst part is – there are people who think this episode was GOOD.
P.S. The Naya gif at the top of the page wins all the awards and is an accurate summary of pretty much every episode of Glee these days.
I was bored through a lot of this episode. I kept waiting and waiting for Santana’s “Santa Baby” (I sing it to myself as “Santana Baby”)to come on, even up to the last few minutes.
Then I was pissed. I had to sit through that original Christmas song w/Blaine and Rachel but no Santana song? Rachel sang a solo, the song with Blaine AND the group number of “My Favorite Things”. WTF? Isn’t that a little much?
The Star Wars shit was just random and stupid. It served no purpose. Artie was being even more of a pretentious douche than usual.
Honestly, my biggest feeling during this was boredom. I blame the writer. I’m looking at you Marti Noxon. It’s hard to remember you were a writer for “Buffy”.
Well for what series of Buffy? It matters.
I don’t understand the question. What series of Buffy? The Joss Whedon tv series is the only one, isn’t it? Unless you’re counting the subsequent series of comics or the movie.
She started writing for the show in season 2 and later became an executive producer.
Series is how some people refer to ‘seasons’. So she’s asking which season of Buffy, which you answered.
Ah. Thank you for clarifying that for me Kestrel.
random “love actually” hate was offset by “monsterpiece theatre” reference. all is good.
I am so glad that I was not the only one who did not understand this episode … well, I mean, I usually don’t understand but this time I thought maybe I missed a scene or something. None of it made sense! I watched half of it then changed the channel and watched something else. You’re brave for recapping it!
I was ready to force choke Finn through the tv when he and Puck showed up in their outfits.
No lie, I would have been totally thrilled if the episode was nothing but the Gay 60’s Black and White Holiday Show. That was hysterical and adorable. … Everything else made my brain hurt. Even the musical numbers outside the special within a special were shite.
YOU DON’T LIKE LOVE ACTUALLY?!?
Truth: I watch every year during the holidays. My heart is not stone.
I had the same reaction!
I really thought Irish was asking Sam out when he asked him to be his valentine’s day sponsor, I really did.
I thought for a split second he meant sponsor like an AA sponsor, like an Irish-are-drunks joke. I like the gay hypothesis better.
I really thought that Rory was asking Sam out too. This episode was just so weird and nonsensical that I started to think anything was possible.
The holiest and merriest of shits. I wasn’t prepared for this magical reading experience. My strait-laced, sober, capri pant-wearing brain will need some time to handle and process it all.
I really liked it (the experience) and I thank you (Riese) for it, is what I’m (awkwardly) trying to say. And, in the spirit of Christmas, I would like to contribute to the erasure by wishing everyone a very joyous and Christmas-y Christmas. Christmas.
thank you wepa! i’m so happy that you enjoyed the magical reading experience i prepared with great care and love. you deserve a very very christmas-y christmas situation.
Look at us, all full of timely cheer. Adorable.
Aside from the horror crapfest that has been Glee’s offensive anti-female and anti-human writing lately, there’s been something ELSE bugging me about it. But I couldn’t put my finger on it until this episode: IT’S EMPTY. Glee is just a husk.
Long gone are the days of Glee with heart. When it’s not having ADHD on plot development, It’s all just one big overly saccharine mess (a la Artie’s vision). I seriously had to mute half the songs. Has the boy never made a mix tape?? You have to alternate some sad WITH the happy to make it bearable! You’d think a kid in a wheelchair who managed to woo a cheerleader would be a pro at mix tapes.
I think I have glee-abetes.
I agree with this. One of the first things you learn in screenwriting is that your characters have to have a personal stake in whatever drama is occurring, otherwise it gets really uninteresting really quickly (see: Santana, Quinn, Sugar). One of the (many) problems Glee is having this season is that all of the characters are detached from real issues; whenever something beyond “OMG GLEE CLUB” arises, it’s dealt with in an overly convenient way or completely forgotten about. Each episode is self-contained in the worst possible way. It’s some of the weakest writing on television, in my opinion, and since they’re intentionally using fewer songs this season, there isn’t anything to cover up their mistakes.
grace speaks the truth
PREACH.
The saddest thing is that Glee was just nominated for a Golden Globe, which I assume will inspire confidence in the writers that they’re doing a fabulous job. The only good thing to come of this catastrophe is Naya Rivera on the red carpet. It still angers me though…is it because the category is Comedy/Musical and Glee is the only musical on teevee and so the idiotic Awards Gods feel compelled to honor it?
“WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT FUCKERY!?!”
That sums up my reaction to every glee episode this season.
“Rack flattering” Riese, you crack me the hell up.
I have to admit, I very nearly stopped reading after you said that Love Actually was a terrible movie, but your recaps are too funny. :)
Episode—> Recap—> “The Hell is ‘When I was 17?’”—> MTV—> 45 minutes of stalking Naya Rivera and Shay Mitchell.
Yes.
So at this point can we all just agree that either Ryan Murphy has a huge boner for Cory Monteith, or is living out some kind of weird fantasy where he’s actually Finn and is encouraging story lines that reflect his own teenaged (current?) shortcomings in a sort of hyper-complimentary light in an attempt to justify them to the world?
Or both.
Or I’m putting entirely too much thought into what is clearly best viewed as a frustrating but pretty fever dream.
ONE FINGER. I TOLD HER JUST ONE FINGER. AND THEN SHE WENT FOR TWO
http://bit.ly/vDDIuD
I wish Finn had been Darth Vader instead, then we would have had the pleasure of watching him die.
also of his face being hidden by a helmet.
oh brother i hate love actually so much. i still remember sitting in the theater totally disgusted after it ended and looking at all my friends crying like babies and feeling totally confused. i just shot out of my seat muttering “that was some bullshit and i cant be seen with any of you” and then having to endure an entire evening of being called heartless. we are still friends, but we cant talk about love actually.
i never watch glee and i always love your recaps. i would read a love actually recap too if riese wrote it.
*clapping*
+1
brilliant as usual this week gracie
Ha. Thanks. I was just doing what Riese told me to, though.
The Burl Ives-as-a-snowman-narrator Christmas specials are BOSS. The Island of Misfit Toys had the most awesome toys and I wanted all of them for myself, Clarice the reindeer was fucking PRECIOUS, there’s one with like a lady circus ringmaster who seemed incredibly fucking gay to me, the Kris Kringle origin story is admittedly kind of half-assed but I liked that his version of Christmas started as this underground resistance akin to the Rebel Alliance, and the one with Mother Nature and her boys has INCREDIBLY CATCHY SONGS.
Apparently some douche stored all the figurines to make these movies in a cardboard box in his attic and they got moldy and mouse-chewed. I hope Santa brings that rat bastard a huge pile of coal, a gallon of lighter fluid, and a lit match.
This had a point but a couple glasses of wine and a viewing of the the ludicrously shiny and gorgeously-cast Thor movie kinda melted it. Carry on.
I like and agree with everything these comments choose to be.
The fact that rachel wanted multiple presents was as close to her being a jew as this episode got.
As a gentile, I can’t decide if this comment is hilarious or offensive, so I’m chuckling while self-flagellating.
haha it was a reference to multiple days of Hanukkah, my friends would get 1 present per day when we were kids. not intending to offend!
Thank you for pointing out that Brittany no longer smiles. I felt like there was just something off with her character lately, and I hadn’t been able to figure out what it was.
And awesome recap as usual, ladies. This was definitely the trippiest ever.
Rumour has it that a Brittana scene was cut where it shows Brittany all sad that she’s going away for Christmas. I was wondering why the fuck B+S were so sad this entire episode but I just assumed it was HeYa projecting.
this was an amazing recap although I’m not exactly sure what was happening.
Also I didn’t watch this episode because I am officially done wasting time watching Glee. There are too many other better things to watch.
If Brittana ever get down to it let me know.
This was the best recap of this week’s Glee I could’ve asked for. I watched it with my Klaine-shipping friend who was pissing herself laughing and I’m just sitting here like, “…What the fuck even.”
It’s not Christmas without Chewbacca. <– The only part of the episode that actually made some sense.
Thank you for explaining that I was tripping fucking balls when I thought I was watching Glee. That really clarifies a lot.
Oh god, what has happened with Rachel!? She’s so fucking spineless now with Finn around; I was literally shouting at my computer screen with every Finchel scene. Christmas list: “BUT YOU’RE JEWISH!!” But I’m a vegan “YOU’RE ALSO JEWISH” I named her Barbra “BUT YOU’RE STILL A VEGAN JEW OMIGOD.” I wanted to tweet Lea and ask what the fuck is wrong with her to think this was one of her favourite episodes.
Anyways. The only good thing about this episode was that Quinn has a soul.
I’m not sure why I’m going to address Glee like any of it makes sense ever or should be somehow socially conscious or aware, but I don’t think there’s anything inappropriate about giving a vegan jew the “african sow pig” because she isn’t supposed to eat the damn thing. It’s for a family in Africa who need some fucking protein in their lives and therefore I think it’s a nice gesture. Minus being totally random and pretty fucking weird in terms of actually being a gift to somebody else.
Also, I watched this episode drunk so I thought way too much about that part. And all of it really.
I agree, and most the charities that donate animals to families aren’t necessarily meant to be eaten, they’re supposed to be bred and used to turn a profit…and then eventually eaten. I donated a flock of geese for my sister this year. I researched this shit.
Finn specifically said the pig was to be raised to be butchered for food. And Rachel objected initially because she’s vegan, but later recounted because she’s fucking spineless. Obviously if she objected to the pig on the basis of her being vegan, it’s a legitimate feeling.
As a vegan I wouldn’t really be cool with being “given” an animal for a family in a developing country to eat. There are plenty of other organizations to donate to that make a difference on behalf of the vegans in your life.
I’m a vegitarian and so is my sister. It’s what she asked for…
Yeah, I’ve heard a lot of other people being upset with this aspect. I mean, yes, I understand that it’s for charity, but why couldn’t Finn have donated money in Rachel’s name to building a well or school supplies for girls?? Why did it HAVE to be a pig which happens to go against two very important beliefs that Rachel has. I don’t give a fuck if it was charitable; Finn was still being his usual insensitive self and yet AGAIN Rachel just accepted it with a grateful smile.
Finn: “I’m dating a Jewish vegan, so clearly I should give her a charity pig for Christmas.”
I mean, that about sums up his character, though, doesn’t it?
hey remember that time Finn made Rachel dinner with meat though?
yeah.
I understand where you’re coming from, and obviously it’s an insensitive gift. However, as somebody who is living in a developing country and sees families who don’t have enough protein in their diets, especially for the kids, ESPECIALLY for the girls, I still don’t think you can get that upset about it. But I’m neither vegan nor Jewish so this is just my humble opinion.
Now I’m going to stop arguing about this ridiculous plot point in an even more ridiculous episode.
When Finn bought the star and named it after himself, I thought of how the Autostraddle recap would call him out on it.
Those cats are effing terrifying.
Also, I thought I saw Brittany and Santana in close proximity early on in this episode, but instead of rewinding 8 times and prolonging the torture that was the glee christmas special I said to myself, “autostraddle will have a screencap.” I can always count on you.
I only watch Love Actually because of the Beach Boys. True story. Glee’s not worth the aggravation anymore. I will continue to demand your recaps though, Riese, cause they make great drinking games. Every time Riese speaks the truth, one finger.
Soooo I lost myself in that psychedelic smiley face for at least 5 minutes, and I’m stone cold sober.
why would they even be raising money for the salvation army? they don’t support your gay friends kurt and blaine and santana and brittany and quinn and rachel and finnbian and artie ‘judy garland christmas special’ abrams and rachel’s invisible dads and that sandy guy and evil sebastian and karofsky and now apparently sam and irish guy
THANK YOU!
Honestly, I had no idea the Salvation Army was homophobic. I just thought it was a charity. Now that I’ve Googled such things, I can see where you are coming from. Maybe Ryan Murphy and folk didn’t know it either . . .?
never a more accurate framing device
I think I had some sort of rage black out when that Irish dude (does he HAVE a name??) started quoting from the bible and everyone just sat around like they were Christians spoon fed that from birth and it was like, the best thing he could ever read. The whole erasure of the established non-Christian beliefs of characters in this episode was appalling and it would have been baffling if it hadn’t been Glee.
Also, did anyone else find the song selection for the homeless shelter offensive? First of all that song itself is terrible, but you sing it in a room full of needy children? I understand they were trying to emphasize the charity angle and whatever, but lets talk about a famine in Africa and how they don’t have snow and we all need to band together because we’re more fortunate than they are IN A ROOM FULL OF HOMELESS PEOPLE.
This is the first time I can think of that I’ve fast-forwarded through a Glee episode. It was far more tolerable at 20 odd minutes without any songs from guys (other than the Blaine Rachel duet). Still, I wish I could blame what I did see on a drug trip.
He’s Rory Flanagan, but Irish Breakfast is a way better name.
Irish Breakfast is definitely a way better name. Am I completely out of it, or does everyone just refer to him as ‘Irish’ all the time? Maybe I’m just auto replacing when they do say his name with Irish anyway?
it’s a really fantastic tea
Seriously. I thought that song choice was super messed up. They’re fucking smiling at these homeless kids being like “Thank God it’s them instead of you”.
THE MOST INSENSITIVE.
The Bible reading was totally a reference from A Charlie Brown Christmas, so everyone’s reaction makes sense if you imagine them as Lucy, Linus, et al. Which in my opinion is a stronger context for character development than this entire season of Glee.
so at this point you just have to treat each episode as a singular entity, huh?
they make no effort to establish (let alone maintain) continuity at all
the only thing that is consistent in plot chronology or character establishment is their names.
i wouldn’t be surprised if they all had popped up with different names later in the series
It’s pretty much like in comics, where it is perfectly logical for a character to be dead but there’s someone else using their superhero identity but then the character isn’t dead anymore except maybe they’re a clone or a shapeshifting alien or a zombie or maybe they’re just alive again for no reason, and all the while there’s still another alternate continuity happening where none of this ever happened. Or something. I don’t know, it feels like that. Also because Harley and Poison Ivy are probably together but who knows because they never kiss.
I don’t know if any of that makes sense, but luckily I’m (tangentially) talking about Glee so I don’t actually need to make sense.
i would love if glee worked like that
i’d like to point out that i ate thanksgiving dinner with the jesus wearing the pride flag in that photo.
Girlfriend: Do you want to watch Glee?
Me: Not really…
Girlfriend: Good, because its just filled with dark, bitter disappointment.
This is beautiful. You are beautiful. Autostraddle is my favorite thing in the world beside Naya Rivera, who is also the only reason why I put up with watching Glee religiously.
does anyone else think Ryan Murphy was watching the Charlie Brown Christmas special while he was writing this episode? picture it: Rachel is Lucy, Sam is Charlie Brown, and Irish Breakfast is Linus.
yeah basically rachel said a line from the special and all irish breakfast needed to say before he broke into the bible verse would be lights please. lame rip off. at least last year when they ripped off they grinch they stuck to it more.
I’m just pretending that the “Glee Christmas Spectacular” was the entire episode, because that shit was hilarious. When Amber somehow managed to say, “I think these are the end times,” with a straight face I laughed out loud for at least 30 seconds. And then Lea followed it up later with something about, “Due to climate change and end times…” and I LOL’d harder. Also, all of Lea’s facial expressions.
My favorite part of Glee each week (besides the itsy-bitsy tiny pieces of Background!Brittana, where hand-holding is the new making out and head-touching is kissing–like a less-talkative Otaliaverse) is definitely reading your recaps.
It’s quite possible you’re my favorite person on the Internet.
definitely
My first thought when Finn gave Rachel the star named after himself: “Riese is flipping her shit right now.”
Also Rachel’s song about the river made me appreciate Community: “Everything’s cooler when cameras are spinning” Actually can we just talk about how Community made a better episode about Glee than Glee did?
the best part of this episode was the moment I realized that I literally devour and obsess over every single thing ever posted on AS. this moment happened to be at the five minute mark at the beginning of Irish Breakfast’s depressing song, when I noticed Artie wearing the same atrocious cardinal snowflake sweater as Carly in this article:
http://www.autostraddle.com/2012-lesbian-calendars-are-here-for-the-holidays-121565/
I literally fell off my chair and then realized the extent of my pathetic-ness.
I think this episode would make so much more sense if I had been drunk while I watched it like I am now
This episode was so bad, almost as bad as I Kissed A Girl. The whole tribute to Judy Garland’s Christmas show was too long, too unfunny, too cringey. There was too much Blaine and too much Finn and I honestly cackled when he gave the star to Rachel and she was like “did you name a star after me?” and he replied “no, I named it Finn Hudson”. I paused the episode and laughed until I cried.
The writing is so epically shit, all the new writers need to be sacked.
Best recap ever.
I am pretty sure this show is just trolling us at this point.
I have a feeling that at the end of this season Rachel is going to wake up and the past two seasons would all be just a dream!
i feel like a bad gay today because:
a. i love love actually so much i cant even explain it. i think its partially because i love hugh grant and colin firth SO SO SO much and keira knightely is so hot. but the truth is i could watch it over and over on repeat and actually have done that maybe…….i watch it a lot. and cry. a lot. (too many feelingz)
b. despite this episode being shity and ridiculous for all the reasons mentioned in this recap, i laughed so much at most of the lines during the b&w christmas special. like, way too hard.
c. i had sex with the straightest girl i know last night (condoms on her nightstand kinda straight) and this isnt relevant to this recap but it is relevant to me feeling like a bad gay. so.
alright i am done.
the idea of Ulysses/Glee was too delicious and I had to give it a shot: http://www.tumblr.com/tagged/glee-goes-joyce
YOU HATE LOVE ACTUALLY?!?!?!
But but but but…. that’s like hating christmas!!
DOES NO ONE ELSE REALIZE THAT SHE IS ASKING FOR 5 PRESENTS? 5 PRESENTS = HANUKKAH!
Also I’d like to say that Peewee’s Christmas Special 1991 had more lesbian action than this episode!
All the Glee writers should be fired and replaced with apes from “Planet of the Apes”. I think they would do a better job.
Your Glee recaps are the best part of watching Glee these days
Sooooo I google-image-searched DeAnne Smith. And that screenshot of Artie’s face from this recap showed up because apparently that is the name of the image file. And it made me laugh so incredibly hard. Oh you Autostraddle pranksters.