Welcome to the sixteenth episode of the fifth season of Glee, a series of commercials for individually wrapped slices of American cheese. This week, an itchy assortment of iron-clad Daughters of the American Revolution will be signing and dancing their way through a majority of your personal issues, including Sephora, face lotion, dim sum, CVS Extra Bucks, lip gloss and underwater lovemaking.
This week’s episode was a strange brew of Educational Film From Health Class, After-School Special and Glee. Also, there were no lesbians. I fear that this recap is not as funny as usual, but I hope everybody here understands that as CEO, CFO, Editor-in-Chief and head writer of Autostraddle.com and a very heavy participant/thought-leader in that thing I invented called A-Camp that starts in FOUR WEEKS, I have to sometimes just accept that “perfect is the enemy of done.” I learned that from Ariana Huffington and she is REALLY rich, so.
We open with a very interesting educational film that turns into a PSA about getting tested for STDs.
All the boys are dressed up like homosexuals. See:
Yup, this is gonna be an Issue Episode!
We return back to life and back to reality where a young Blaine Anderson is raving about the culinary delights available in this fine city of New York. Blaine loves food!
Blaine: “New York is the United Nations of Restaurants!”
Blaine: “If a croissant and a donut made sweet sweet love, their baby would be a cronut.”
In fact, Blaine loves food SO MUCH that now his pants don’t fit anymore!
Blaine: “Could it be the Freshman 15?”
Petition to The Universe to take that term out of circulation?
We then mosey on over to the hallowed hallways of Fake New York Film School Academy where Artie’s wheeling around and monologuing about all the hot girls he’s been banging since moving to the city where instead of being a nerd in a wheelchair who bagged three incredibly hot and mostly intelligent girlfriends, he is a nerd in a wheelchair who is bagging a series of casual lovers.
Artie: “At McKinley nobody wanted anything to do with me because I was a nerd in a wheelchair who tucked my sweaters into my pleated khakis. But here I do exactly the same thing, and everyone thinks it’s cool! In high school, I had to beg girls to go out with me, but here, I’m lady bait!”
Ladies love his experimental films and the version of Crash that you accidentally rented that one time thinking it was about drugs but it was about people who got sexually aroused by car crashes.
She’s doing voiceover for his terrible film about a plastic bag floating in the wind. I think I saw this one at the Ann Arbor Film Festival. Then Artie sings “Addicted to Love” by Robert Palmer which is about hooking up with hot babes.
Artie asks Julie out on a date and she says she doesn’t date people she’s working with. Womp womp.
Over at Fake Julliard, Kurt and Blaine have apparently enrolled in a one-episode Stage Combat Intensive that undoubtedly will teach the young rascals how to joust with pool noodles and kill Tybalt.
Blaine voiceovers about how Kurt’s really gotten in shape and become a heartthrob with bulging biceps while Blaine binges on Cheetos.
Blaine: I’m actually feeling a little jealous. Back at McKinley, I’d be the one getting fawned over. I lifted. I boxed. I was in the Dalton Fight Club, for God’s sake.
Blaine laments that now Kurt is the “hot shot” and after his Gay Bash last week, a lot of people look at him as a hero and now he’s “leading man material.”
Blaine: “I’ve always known he could be that, but most people didn’t. I guess I’m just not used to Kurt being seen as a sexual object.”
We sweep on over to Chez Mercedes, where Sam and Mercedes are french kissing with all their clothes on when Mercedes interrupts the action to tell Sam that she’s a virgin and isn’t ready to get “too serious.”
Mercedes: I don’t wanna do anything until I know that I should.
Sam: Okay then, we can go as slow or as fast as you’d like to. You get to call the shots.
Aw, kids these days.
Cut to Serendipity, a delightful restaurant on the Upper East Side generally filled with tourists eager to consume a goblet of what chocolate ice cream becomes when it sits in your freezer for 1+ decades.
Sam wants his pals to accompany him to The Clinic so he can find out if he’s got any STDs in his pants before attempting to remove Mercedes’ pants. The boys are shocked that the terrific twosome have yet to Put The Tools in the Shed, but volunteer to accompany Samuel to The Free Clinic On 14th Street because getting tested is The Responsible Thing To Do.
Then the waitress arrives with their beverages and Kurt notes that a Frozen Hot Chocolate has been ordered on his behalf although he did not express a desire for one!
Blaine: “It’s my gift. Trust me, you and your crazy self-denial dietary regimen will thank me once you have one sip of this frozen hot chocolate.”
We then cut to the Doctor’s office, which’s about fifty times less crowded and calmer-looking than free clinics actually look in New York (trust me I HAVE BEEN TO ALL OF THEM), where a kind doctor informs Artie he has chlamydia.
Artie’s surprised ’cause he had no symptoms, but that’s typical. The good news is that he’s not a lady trying to get pregnant, for whom such a thing could be a major ish. Anyhow, the doc explains that it’s no big deal, he just needs to take some antibiotics for 7-10 days and he will be fine. But Artie feels really awful, as personified by this neat costume piece:
I felt like he looked a little depressing in that giant booger so I had Grace give him a little flair:
Later that same day at The Barbie Bushwick Dreamhouse Loft, the boys are enjoying some Premium Channels on Demand when Artie announces that he has chlamydia.
Kurt: How is that possible?
Artie: I don’t know how.
Blaine: Well, do you wear condoms?
Blaine: Well, that would be how.
Artie says the first time he tried to use a condom, he got nervous because they were locked in a cabinet and then it was “like putting on a tiny, greasy, banana-flavored wet suit.” Then Sam decides it’s time to slut-shame Artie, because he doesn’t know what slut-shame means, and I actually laughed out loud throughout this bit, so a tip of the hat to you, Glee.
Sam: No, Artie, okay? That’s… there’s no excuse. That is completely irresponsible! You have to wear one every time.
Blaine: Stop yelling. I’m sure he feels bad enough.
Sam: No, Blaine, this isn’t okay. Artie needs to be slut-shamed. I’m slut-shaming you, Artie!
Kurt: You’re lucky you just got chlamydia. I mean, you could’ve gotten something that can’t be cured.
Blaine: Yeah, you could’ve gotten somebody pregnant. Did you think about that?
Sam: Slut! SLUT SHAME!
Blaine says that Artie has to tell the girls he’s been roasting the broomstick with that he has the clap.
Cut to Artie telling the girls he roasted the broomstick with that he has the clap. His first lady lover totally freaks out that she’s gonna get a canker and calls him “Patient Zero” and also “disgusting” and says she’s gonna tell EVERYBODY about it so that nobody will ever want to Rub Bacons with him again.
The girl with an alternative lifestyle haircut is way cooler about it, she’s like yeah whatevs, okay I’ll go to the free clinic, who knows maybe I gave it to you, see ya later alligator!
Then The Lesbian From Friday Night Lights shows up to be small and adorable and crittery. She’s changed her mind about going out with him! She’d LOVE TO! They can have dinner tomorrow night!
We then traverse an unspecified distance to a church where Mercedes has taken Sam for unknown reasons. Sam has brought Mercedes a special present — it’s a “clean bill of health” from The Free Clinic! Mercedes says he is focusing too much on what’s on the outside and she’s still not sure about going all the way.
Mercedes has therefore taken Sam to church because she’s gonna check in with Jesus and see how he feels about the sex thing. This is bad news for Sam ’cause I feel like Jesus and God and those peeps tend to err on the side of “no” on these issues.
But first she’s going to sing an ’80s new wave hit to her preacher, specifically Foreigner’s “I Want To Know What Love Is.”
We then return to Fake Julliard’s Esteemed Stagefighting Class, where Kurt and Blaine are poking each other with large sticks. The instructor announces that for this exercise they’ll be playing Spartans and Athenians, and the Spartans will be going shirtless, because everything that happens in this show is basically gay porn.
Kurt monologues about how he used to never wanna take his shirt off, but now that Chris Colfer has been working himself into a solid hunk of post-adolescent gayboy crush bait and eaten more protein, he’s all about it and he feels way into his skin.
Kurt: “I have to be mindful of Blaine now. New school, new city, it’s stressful. He’s being tested. We, as a couple, are being tested. I can’t let my new confidence erode his.”
Thus we snap on over to Chez Mercedes, where Kurt’s suggesting to Blaine that they have a date night, e.g., dinner and a movie. Blaine says he’s already begun preparing them a million-calorie feast and so Kurt can go ahead and pick the movie.
Kurt expresses disinterest in consuming fettuccine alfredo, potatos au gratin and a chocolate molten cake, and Blaine thinks Kurt doesn’t think Blaine’s instrument is tuned. Then Kurt opens Blaine’s laptop to figure out when Butt Boys #85 is coming on and discovers that Blaine’s been perusing Frat Boi Physicals.
Kurt: “Whatever you do on your computer is your business but I can’t help but think that we haven’t been intimate in like, a week, and maybe this is why.”
Blaine wants to talk about this situation but Kurt wants to storm out and go eat a salad at Pax and see an indie film at the quad ALL BY HIMSELF.
Back at Chez Mercedes, Mercedes wants to know what it was like the first time Rachel rode Finn’s hobby horse. Rachel says it was special because she was with him and they loved each other and he’d just made her a big slab of meat even though she’s vegan.
Mercedes is worried she won’t be any good at it, but Rachel insists that if they’re in love and it’s right then Sam will make her feel like she’s his One and Only.
Back at Stage Combat class, Blaine shows up super-pissed ’cause Kurt did NOT meet him at the diner before class as promised. Blaine wants to talk about the website thing, which Kurt insists he’s not actually upset about, which I think is probably true, and also very mature and gay of him.
Anyhow, obviously it’d be best to work out these issues in song. Specifically, “Love is a Battlefield” by the great Pat Benatar.
Then they start fencing really aggressively. It’s a bad scene, you guys.
Cut to Fake Ellen’s Stardust Diner, where Mercedes and Sam are on a date and Sam is trying to woo her so that they can do the horizontal mambo.
Then Artie shows up with the lesbian from Friday Night Lights and he thinks everybody is talking about how he has an STD even though they’re just talking about milkshakes and menus and shit and again he imagines himself being a Walking STD.
Then Artie asks the lesbian from Friday Night Lights if they can wait 7-10 days to have sex and she is like, woah we have been on this date for 7-10 minutes, one step at a time.
Then, for the eighth time this episode, Mercedes tells Sam that she isn’t sure that she’s ready to have sex.
Sam says he loves her more than everything, like probably even more than the moon and the sunshine! This segues into an awkward musical number (“Lets Wait Awhile” by the amazing Janet Jackson), where the lesbian from Friday Night Lights spends the whole time with this look on her face:
Here it is for your enjoyment:
Cut to a romantic evening in Chez Mercedes where Sam is trying to get it on with Mercedes.
Mercedes: “Hey, remember the rules.”
Sam: “All my hands are above the waist!”
Mercedes: “And on top of the clothes!”
Sam: “Have you ever heard of the term, ‘high, dry and suffering?'”
Mercedes: “Have you ever heard of the term, ‘HELL TO THE NO?'”
Mercedes says she went to church and prayed on it a little bit and decided to wait until marriage! Mercedes says she has a special vulnerable part inside of her and when she gives it to a man, she’ll be so exposed. That’s why she should do it with Santana first, I think. Jesus would LOVE it. Sam points out that he’s 19 and doesn’t know if he can wait ’til marriage and needs time to think about it.
Cut to The Barbie Bushwick Dreamhouse Loft, where Kurt is wearing really terrible red pants and unsurprisingly, considering this fashion disaster, Blaine’s ready for battle. Kurt wants to know why Blaine tried to kill him at fencing, and it turns out that Blaine’s been very insecure about his hottie boyfriend.
Blaine: I feel like we’re in this race together, and you are just so much farther than I am. Like, it just feels like the whole balance has shifted.
Kurt: What balance?
Blaine: I guess it started when we first met and you came to Dalton because you were trying to get away from Karofsky and I wanted to help you through that.
Kurt: And you did.
Blaine: And I loved the way that felt. I loved, I loved being able to protect you but now I look at your life and… it’s completely different. You’re a star at school, you have all these cool new friends, you started this band, and I just… I feel like you don’t need me anymore. To protect or anything.
Kurt: So-so is that what all this stuff is about. I mean, you trying to get me to eat more?
Blaine: I don’t like the way that I feel about myself anymore, Kurt, and you have this like, amazing new body. You wanna know why we haven’t been intimate? It’s because I feel insecure around you. I feel insecure around my own fiance and fratboiphysicals.com isn’t gonna judge me.
Kurt: And neither will I, ever. But I’m not gonna apologize for not being some delicate flower who need his boyfriend to protect him. And maybe you’re right, maybe it is a contest, maybe it has to be between two guys. But I’d much rather be running this race with you than against you.
Blaine: Me too, I just…
Kurt: As equals.
Blaine: I know, I know. I know that, I’m sorry. I’m just… I’m just so scared that you’re gonna keep changing, and you’re gonna keep getting stronger and then one day you’re gonna wake up and you’re gonna realize that “I don’t love him anymore.”
Kurt: Never. I’m always gonna love you, and I don’t want you to be insecure or ashamed around me. Next time you’re going through something like this you have to be honest with me.
When did these guys start having the only realistic relationship conversations of anybody on this entire show? It’s strange but also refreshing. I haven’t seen this much gay boy relationship processing since Six Feet Under.
Back in the Hallowed Hallways of Fake New York Film Academy For Wayward Frat Bois, Artie chases down the lesbian from Friday Night Lights to explain that he was being so weird ’cause he has chlamydia, which is not the biggest deal. But when Artie mentions the two ladies he may have gotten it from, she’s totes over it ’cause those girls are idiots who make bad films. SING IT, SISTER!
Cut to Chez Mercedes, where Sam has decorated their apartment to look like the set of the hit Boyz II Men music video, I’ll Make Love To You.
Despite the activities such a set would suggest, Sam’s not trying to pour the wine, light the fire, and tell Mercedes that her wish is his command. He just wants to tell Mercedes that the only thing better than sex is hearing her sing and being with her, so he’s gonna stick with Mercedes and just watch a lot of internet porn.
Some other day or year or hour, Mercedes and Rachel are having Girlfriends Time at the Barbie Bushwick Dreamhouse Loft and Mercedes is talking about how her heart is her #1 erogenous zone. Rachel says that once upon a mattress there was a moment when she thought something might happen with her and Sam, but that moment passed and she realized it was really just that he reminded her of home/was friends with Finn.
Rachel: This [gestures at her body] is closed for business.
Mercedes: Rachel, you know you guys weren’t even dating when it all went down.
Rachel: Come on, we were always dating. Even when we weren’t, we knew how it was gonna end. How it was supposed to.
Mercedes says that Rachel is an amazing lady who deserves to have a man buy her dinner but Rachel says she’s just not ready yet.
Snapback over to Serendipity, where Blaine is going on one of those cleansing diets that involves hot sauce, citrus fruits and Splenda. Furthermore, Kurt and Blaine announce that they’re adopting healthier habits together as a couple, such as attending Ab Class.
Artie says that he’s seen the error of his ways and doesn’t wanna be a player no more. He’s had enough of running wild, he’s switching up his whole lifestyle, he doesn’t wanna be the way he used to, he’s giving up the booty cause, spinning c’s at the ta-ta bars, no leaving with two or three girls to get him off, all he needs is one who’s really down, someone to turn this player’s life around. No rolling like an entourage, celeb style like a movie star, sippin down with ladies all around him, laughing girls off at the way he was of the morning, Gettin’ beeps from Milan and Delhi, a true player never gets a chance to sleep, no.
Sam suggests they do an All Guys New York City Abstinence Club but everybody else is like yeah no thanks!
Then that’s it! That’s the whole thing. You might notice Santana was not in the episode this week. The good news is she will be back next week, just in time for opening night of Funny Girl! Next week’s director is Eric Stolz, who I love, and I think they’re covering “Lovefool” by The Cardigans, undoubtedly inspired by my music video for “Lovefool” starring my BFF Kristyna that I made in 1996 on Adobe Premiere. Here’s the scoop:
The night has finally arrived for Rachel’s (Lea Michele) Broadway debut in “Funny Girl,” and she has very special guests in town to support her career-defining moment in the all-new “Opening Night” episode of GLEE airing Tuesday, April 22 (8:00-9:00 PM ET/PT) on FOX. (GLE-517) (TV-14 D, L)
Cast: Lea Michele as Rachel Berry; Matthew Morrison as Will Schuester; Jane Lynch as Sue Sylvester; Naya Rivera as Santana Lopez; Chris Colfer as Kurt Hummel; Amber Riley as Mercedes Jones; Darren Criss as Blaine Anderson; Chord Overstreet as Sam Evans; Lauren Potter as Becky Jackson.
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