I don’t think smell is really the issue here.
Q
I’ve been sober from alcohol for a decade and my girlfriend has been sober for about a year. She’s not an alcoholic but just stopped drinking to improve her overall health. She was never into weed but I am, it helps me with anxiety and insomnia, and sometimes I smoke for fun with friends. She was cool with it before but as she’s gotten more involved with the sobriety community she’s been making these little jabs at me about weed. A few times she left the room when I had friends over that I’d smoked with, saying she “just can’t with us” when we’re high. (She doesn’t have the same reaction to hanging out with drunk friends.)
I finally asked if she had a problem with weed and she said that yeah, she hates the smell and doesn’t want me smoking inside. So I started smoking outside. She said no she hates the smell on me and it lingers on me. So if I’m gonna get high with friends we don’t do it at our place. Now I only smoke alone right before bed, to help me sleep. (I used to take ambien for insomnia and I feel like weed is better.) I wear special smoking at night clothes then change out of them, do a FULL BODY SHOWER, rinse my mouth out, put on fresh clothes before bed. She claims she can, somehow, still smell it. I don’t believe her. The other night she wouldn’t talk to me after I’d smoked, saying it’s pointless bc I’m “out of it.” (I don’t think that’s true.)
I’ve started to feel really shameful about it now to where I don’t know how to talk to her about this. I could switch to edibles but it’s much more expensive, plus I don’t think smell is really the issue.
Have any of you been in a situation like this or know a good way to approach this convo with her? Honestly would love to hear from other people with aversions to high people so I can understand better.
A
Summer: I think I’m a good candidate since I have a very complex relationship with inebriation (due to childhood trauma) and I’m either very sober or very responsible around substances. Hell, I did my Master’s on substance use so this is my wheelhouse.
Short version? Every recovering person has different ways of dealing with exposure to substances while they recover. Substance recovery is extremely sensitive for people who are immersed in programmes because they’ve seen some of the worst harms it can do, all rolled up and tossed into a traumatized healthcare context. Shit like DARE or similar garbage has nothing on meeting a circle of people dealing with addiction and hearing them speak honestly. I’ll say in her defense that she’s probably seen things in recovery that she can’t articulate to you, but have greatly impacted her. And that can manifest as disapproval of substance use in others. You’re probably seeing the tip of a very deep iceberg.
Still, you seem to be acting very reasonably in response to her requests. On some level, you understand that she’s become more sensitive to the presence of substances and that she deserves accommodation because it’ll be good for her. Things like having special smoking clothes, full-showers, etc., are all reasonable accommodations short of quitting entirely. And while she has a right to request that you reduce your substance use around her or quit entirely, you also have a right to bodily autonomy and to… put what you want into it. Since you can make informed decisions (granted, the point of addiction is that it destroys people’s ability to make informed decisions).
You’re caught in a very difficult situation because her well-being is at stake here. I empathize with her desire to protect her well-being, especially since she understands the magnitude of harm that inebriation poses to her. But you have a voice in the relationship and you’re allowed to have limits, especially if you’re certain that your drug use is a net positive for you (that’s very hard to self-assess, since we want to view our own habits favorably).
I’m ultra-glad that you want to approach this with her in a conversation. How should you go about it? With compassion for both of you. With concern for your well-being and an eye toward helping her understand that she’s making requests that you’re not yet ready to accept. And that you’ve been complying as much as you can already and you are not unreasonable. But also with the recognition that she has gone through a very difficult time and needs accommodation and support to maintain her future well-being. I think that rather than entering the conversation with a ‘goal’ that ends in your favor, go in with a mind toward learning her perspective, learning about what she’s learned and why she’s reacting. Then picking through it slowly (and painfully) to find common ground and compromise.
Valerie: I’m not going to lie to you, her behavior feels a little controlling to me. Of course, I don’t know your relationship or situation like you do, just the snippet you shared here, but to me it seems like she wants you to stop using weed altogether but also isn’t flat-out saying this, instead using passive aggressive comments to try to bully you out of using it. If she needs you to not be high around her, she needs to communicate that instead of claiming it’s the smell that triggers her. (Especially since, as you said, she was never into weed in the first place, so that wasn’t part of her need for sobriety.) I believe you when you say you aren’t as out of it as she says when she “can’t” talk to you. I think if she has an issue due to her own sobriety reasons, she needs to own up to that instead of making it seem like you are purposefully causing her harm.
I do think you need to have a conversation with her about it, and you need to decide if this is something that you two can work out together or if it’s a non-negotiable for you. Which, by the way, would be totally okay; I have insomnia and while I don’t use edibles often (mostly because, as you mentioned, they’re expensive, and I have asthma so I can’t smoke), when my insomnia is really bad it’s the only thing that helps, and I can’t imagine having to give that up.
Of course her sobriety and comfort in her own home is important and you have demonstrated your willingness to compromise for her, so maybe there’s a solution that can satisfy you both, but don’t forget: your peace of mind is important, too.
Should I make up a lie about missing this wedding, or just suck it up and attend?
Q
A very good college friend of mine is getting gay married this summer, in the state where she’s from, which is a 4-hour drive or so from here. Some mutual friends from college will be there but nobody I’m still very close to, like nobody that I am excited to see besides the friend. The RSVP deadline is swiftly approaching and I really want to decline, because I’d rather use my limited PTO for a nice little vacation with my partner to somewhere cool. (The location of this wedding is not cool, for the record.) But I’m worried it will be a whole thing? Like I’m sending a message about our friendship or something. Because the only reason is “I would rather go somewhere else instead.” Should I make up a lie for why I can’t attend, or should I just suck it up and attend the wedding because that’s what friends do?
A
Summer: My autistic ass says that the point of an invitation is to give the recipient a chance to accept or decline as they wish. But I know that’s not always the case. So my thoughts? Yeah, if you don’t want to attend, you’re allowed to decline. A good friend would accept it because that’s what reasonable people do. If you feel the need to make up an excuse and lie a little? Do it. Do the thing that makes you happy and keeps the situation smooth. Take your holiday.
Signed,
Another bitch who hates hot weather
Kayla: As someone who recently had a wedding, I can assure you that no one cares if you RSVP no to their wedding. And I don’t mean that in a mean way! Like sure, I was sad about some of the friends who couldn’t make it to mine, but I did NOT take it personally and ultimately, weddings are expensive! The more people that come, the pricier it is! I won’t lie; when some of the “nos” rolled in, I was like oh good one less meal to pay for LOL. Which is all my way of saying: Skip it! Going and not really wanting to be there or feeling resentful would be way worse.
Valerie: You can definitely just say no and leave it at that. I would NOT tell your friend that you would rather use your PTO on something else, because that would hurt my feelings real bad, but likely you won’t even be asked for a reason. If you ARE asked, you can give a little white lie and say you don’t have the PTO for it or something, but one thing I’ve learned in my adulthood is, to quote the Olsen sisters, “No is a complete sentence.” You can just RSVP no and send your well-wishes and leave it at that.
Like Kayla said, there’s likely enough going on with the wedding that she’s not tracking everyone’s reasons for declining, so there’s no need to offer one if you’re not asked. If it’s one of those RSVPs (physical or digital) with space for a note you can say something like, “Sorry I can’t make it but I’m so happy for you both, congrats!” is plenty. I also understand the guilt of saying no to a wedding that you don’t have a HARD out for, but the truth is, not wanting to go is a valid enough reason. But ESPECIALLY if going would cost you money, which it would, not only re: those PTO hours but also the gas to drive, and maybe even a hotel room. I will say though, probably mostly for other people reading, if your ONLY hangup was that you won’t really know anyone there except the couple getting married, but otherwise could easily make the wedding work and it wouldn’t cost too much to go, I would have recommend going.
I recently went to a gay wedding (that was in my city; all it cost me was the ~20 minute Lyft there and back) where I thought I wouldn’t know anyone but the couple and a) I was wrong, I did end up knowing three or four people there, because gay, but also b) the people I met there were all great! It was fun to tell people how I met the couple and hear how they did, and gay weddings are just FUN.
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LW2 If you RSVP “no” definetly don’t give a reason. My sister recently RSVP’d “no” to a cousin’s wedding cause she kept hounding her (I wasn’t going either). When she finally told her “no” she was leaving town that weekend. Our cousin then started with the 20 questions… awkward. My sister wasn’t really going anywhere special or far either. She just wanted to hangout with the person she’s dating instead. Lol.
“Honestly would love to hear from other people with aversions to high people so I can understand better.”
this is me, to an extent. I find in a group setting where everyone else is high from weed, they will subconsciously settle into their own conversational rhythm and sometimes even physical arrangement of bodies that excludes me. if I am having a one-on-one hangout with someone, if they are smoking I usually find they are less interested in the kinds of conversations and activities I like to have/do
all that being said, that’s totally different for me than a before-bed sleep aid. because the point of a hangout is to enjoy each other’s company, and the point of bedtime is sleep, and everyone needs different things for sleeping like medication, earplugs, sleepmask, not being touched etc. I would just want to make sure that there is sometimes a sleepy cuddling before the actual bedtime routine started :)
lol re: q1, is your girlfriend me? I’ve never been into weed, but my partner smokes pretty regularly and I’m really not a fan. we also have a routine where they smoke outside, wear a particular sweatshirt (that they take off when they come back in), and I’m not interested in kissing them afterwards because of the smell. I’m ultra, ultra smell-sensitive, though (and have always been), because strong smells trigger migraines for me. so I think it might partly be genuinely about the smell, but I think you’re right that it seems like it’s about other things too.
in terms of the other things, I also kind of resent when my partner smokes before we spend time together, because they just can’t hold the kinds of conversations with me that we would have otherwise, and I feel like they aren’t really present with me. it is true that I care way less if they smoke if I’m also drinking, because then we’re likely not having super important convos anyway. but if your partner isn’t drinking now, and you smoke every night before bed, maybe she feels like she’s always losing that pre-bed time when you guys used to hang?
I say all that just to create some sympathy for your gf’s perspective, but I also think this is definitely also partly the result of her own issues she can work on. maybe she hasn’t found good coping strategies to help her ‘relax’ in the way alcohol did, and she resents that you are still getting to use a substance in some way? I agree w/ Valerie that the passive-aggressiveness seems like it’s cloaking something else, and if you can get her to be real with you about what’s really bothering her that seems like it’ll be the most productive. if I were you, I’d offer to maybe do edibles instead of smoke like, 2/3 times a week or something? that’s a compromise that acknowledges the smell thing (because I do think that’s real – for me smell and irritation are super strongly connected) and might a really helpful concession. then once you have the convo, if she comes to a more moderate place you can go back to normal smoking every night.
just my thoughts from someone who’s dealt with a somewhat similar thing! best of luck.
Seconding all these great points! I mostly just want to add as someone who isn’t super sensitive to scents and has spent a lot of time around self-identified stoners over the years: the smell of weed smoke can be a lot less apparent to the smoker than to people around them. You (and I mean the general you) get a little desensitized to it when you’re the one smoking. Especially if she’s in close proximity to you in bed, I don’t think it’s a long shot at all to assume she really can smell it on you even with your precautions. Now some of that is probably because she’s also more attuned to it right now of course, but I don’t think it’s fair to assume she’s exaggerating or just trying to make a point.
And actually now that I’m saying it, I think it’s actually a similar situation in terms of how obvious it is behavior-wise that you’re high/have been smoking. In my experience, people who habitually smoke weed can have a distorted perception of how it impacts their behavior/presence in a conversation from an outsider’s POV. It’s not usually super overwhelmingly obvious (it’s not as extreme as being around someone who is frequently/deeply drunk, for example) but again, especially if your gf is sensitive to the impact of substances while she’s relatively early in her sobriety it doesn’t strike me as a big leap to assume she does see that difference.
All this to say, the amount of judgement she’s sending your way isn’t ok, and I imagine that that’s where a lot of your defensiveness is coming from. But I would suggest that when addressing it, you take her at her word that your smoking is still as noticeable as she says it is, rather than assuming she’s exaggerating or being overly sensitive.