Glee 411 Recap: Sadie Hawkins Gets Sprung!

Cut to The Sadie Hawkins Dance we’ve all been waiting for. The theme is “Snowflakes.”

i'm dreaming of a white sadie hawkins dance

i’m dreaming of a white sadie hawkins dance

Tina looks hot, though:

if you want a sneak peak of what i've got under this dress, you're in luck because a lot of this dress is sheer

if you want a sneak peak of what i’ve got under this dress, you’re in luck because a lot of this dress is sheer

Blaine compliments Tina on her spectacular Decoration Skills but fails to credit the theme’s inventress — yup, Jonathan Coulton wasn’t the only artist who got robbed this episode. Princess Frostine’s entire situation was blatantly copied with no credit given, AHEM:

ice-palace

Anyhow, we zip on over to the mainstage, where T-Boz, Left Eye (RIP) and Chili are about to bust into a thrilling rendition of the hit 1999 single “No Scrubs” from the hit 1999 album “FanMail” WAIT JUST KIDDING it’s Artie, Ryder Bieber-Strong, Teen Jesus, Blaine and Sam about to bust into a lukewarm rendition of the hit 1999 single “No Scrubs” from the hit 1999 TLC album “FanMail.”

Artie: “We’d like to dedicate this song to all the strong, proud and empowered ladies who stuck their necks out to make this happen. This week you showed us what it’s like to wait by the phone that never rings. The horror when all your friends get asked to dance, and you don’t, and then you have to sit there…”

Right so, nobody asked Artie to the dance, and Blaine the Ex-Girlfriend Stealer cuts him off so the song can begin —

look down look down you're standing in your grave

look down look down you’re standing in your grave

no homo

no homo

The audience is positively delighted and therefore probs on Crystal Meth.

after being constipated all day, brittany finally found the release she needed on the dance floor

after being constipated all day, brittany finally found the release she needed on the dance floor


Elswhere in Princess Frostine’s Garden of Good and Evil, Marley-Kate and New Puck are moving their limbs and torso in dance-esque movements while Marley-Kate discusses her Trust Issues and, probably also noticing a lack of Female Empowerment in Female Empowerment Episode #456, lays down the law with New Puck:

Marley-Kate: “I need you to be with me and only me and I need to take things slow. If you can agree to that, we can have the best time, and if not, I’m sorry, I… I just can’t.”

oh and my dates are always underwear-required

oh and my dates are always underwear-required

Before he can consent, she’s whisked away by a fairy. Thus we mosey on over to the bleachers, where the entirety of the Too Young To Be Bitter Club (sans Tina), headed by the previously sassy sister known as Lauren Zizes, are mourning their datelessness when Beiste strolls through.

where the fuck is duckie

where the fuck is duckie

Beiste: “What’s the problem here, single ladies? Unless you’re beat up like me from riding a buffalo down at the state fair, you should be out on the dance floor. This ain’t a dance for flowers to sprout on the wall. Get out there and spread your petals.”
Zizes: “We’re not flowers, we’re losers. And this dance only doubled how patheitc I already feel.”
Beiste: “Girls, take it from a former wallflower myself. Life’s not about waiting to be asked, and neither is this dance. Now, get out there and get what’s yours. Just remember one thing: the worse he could say is no.”

We then cut quickly over to Fake Julliard, where Kurt is navigating the myriad architectural masterpieces in his sneakers when he runs into Adam The English Faun and decides to seize the moment…

fuck i really could go for a mento right now

fuck i really could go for a mento right now

…while simultaneously Zizes seizes the moment to ask Teen Jesus to dance…

oh don't worry, this shit smells on point

oh don’t worry, this shit smells on point

…and Sugar asks Artie to dance, a great act of courage considering that they dated once I think and never really broke up but also she dated Irish Breakfast and also idk, I thought they were together now and whatever he’s liked her for at least 20 episodes…

oh yeah i know i get that all the time, everybody thinks i should've been on the Left Eye tribut elbum

oh yeah i know i get that all the time, everybody thinks i should’ve been on the Left Eye tribute album

…and back at Fake Julliard:

caption

hey i read your children’s book and i gotta tell you i really loved it

Adam The English Faun: “Thoughts on a Sondheim super mashup, like epic to the power of epic. We’ll all probably die while singing it. You in?”
Kurt: “I’m in.”

[The English Faun descends the stairs]

Kurt: “Hey Adam, I was wondering? Would you ever wanna get a drink or a coffee sometime?”
Adam The English Faun: “Yeah, that would be great.”

Kurt makes the cutest face ever as he clutches the English Faun’s newly-acquired digits in his fey hands.

crossing his fingers that kurt's a bossy bottom

crossing his fingers that kurt’s a bossy bottom

Then we’re back at the Ice Palace, where Tina and Blaine are doing the awkward dance:

Blaine: “I love your new attitude these days. It’s so empowered.”
Tina: “I love your everything… you’re perfect.”
Blaine: “Oh, Tina Cohen-Chang, where have you been all my life?” [dips her]
Tina: “Right here!” [TINA GETS FOGGY]

It’s so tragic and unempowering on so many levels and also totally non-sensical. Blaine’s clearly enjoying his platonic funtime and Tina’s somehow thinking that Blaine is about to kiss her or something and just UGH

Tina-Cam

Tina-Cam

So Tina, possessed by a demon of plotlines passed, appears to be going in for the makeout but before she can, Blaine gives her the fakeout ’cause Sam has bounded across the Ice Palace to retrieve his bestie for an emergency meeting of The Warblers Are On ‘Roids Club. Tina’s left alone to witness The Ladies of Glee covering an unbearable pop song I hate while making love to microphone poles:

oooo i got that not-so-fresh feeling

oooo i got that not-so-fresh feeling

At some point while watching Glee on Thursday with three glasses of wine and half a Cheeba-Chew, I tried watching it while imagining that I was 12 years old, and oh my G-d, 12-year-old Riese really loved this show. You guys, how much would you have loved the FUCK out of this show when you were 12? I mean do you remember the shit you were into back then? Real talk: I was super into Crystal Clear Pepsi. I think maybe there are a lot of 12-year-olds watching this show.

hey bitches who decided to make a lady empowerment episode but not give me any lines in it

hey bitches who decided to make a lady empowerment episode but not give me any lines in it

As the dance floor throbs with hormonal extras, Meow Mix and Old Man Puckerman are “dancing” and chatting:

also, i'm on the pill, so no worries

also, i’m on the pill, so no worries

Then:

Meow Mix: “Look I usually avoid dating Jewish guys on account of your people killing my Jesus, but I was willing to make an exception because of your biceps, but I’m gonna have to end this little expriment in religious tolerance if you don’t stop dancing like an idiot.”
Old Man Puckerman: “One night with me and I’ll have you studying for your Bat Mitzvah.”
Meow Mix: “Not a chance. I like bacon too much… I read your screenplay, you know.”
Old Man Puckerman: “Why didn’t you tell me, I gave that to you like three days ago.”
Meow Mix: “It took me that long to get through all the spelling errors. Have you ever heard of spell check?”
Old Man Puckerman: “No.”

She tells him that he has talent and then they go to make out and then go to Sonic Burger or something.


Smear to the emergency meeting of The Warblers Are On ‘Roids Club, where Sam and Blaine present Finn with an iPad slideshow of evidence regarding the Warblers being on ‘roids.

remember last year when blaine was physically assaulted by sebastian warbler and nobody did anything about that well this isn't gonna be like that

remember last year when blaine was physically assaulted by sebastian warbler and nobody did anything about that well this isn’t gonna be like that

They’ve even snagged a cell-phone vid of a Warbler going batshit on an innocent Barista at Limabucks:

Angry Warbler on video: “I fucking hate Splenda. It tastes like pencils. Why are you putting pencils in my latte?”

(I agree about the Splenda)

i'm including this screencap b/c he looks like my brother a little bit in this shot which's fantastic

i’m including this screencap because he oddly looks like my brother a little bit in this shot

According to section something something line something else of the Show Choir manual, anyone caught using steroids, amphetamines, human growth hormone or Four Loko is automatically disqualified, which’s really gonna screw over all the ADD kids on Adderall and their “friends” who steal their Adderall to cram for another hard-hitting geography test about the rain in Spain. The rule’s retroactive so if they can prove the Warblers have been juicing up, heads will roll. Regardless, Finn says that’s not enough evidence and Sam’s like, OH YEAH WELL HOW ABOUT THIS GUY???!!!! Then Trent Warbler shows up:

the only steroid i use is whatever magic beans they inject into Clinique's Dramatically Different Moisturizing Lotion

the only steroid i use is whatever magic beans they inject into Clinique’s Dramatically Different Moisturizing Lotion

i wonder how trent feels about clinique moisture surge intense lotion

a-ha so that’s what moisturizer you use to stay young forever

Trent Warbler relays a tale of how Sebastian and then the mysterious Hunter have turned The Warblers into a rowdy band of sinners, robbing them of their showchoir purity and offering Ryan Murphy an opportunity to make us look at a lot of young male ass:

ew

ew

Yup, The Warblers have been giving themselves the hot beef steroid injection, and Trent’s willing to testify to this effect, which means they’ll get disqualified and everybody will rejoice, like this:

Pitch Perfect

yayyy!


We then pack our tiny suitcases, load up the station wagon, stock up on healthy road snacks, plug in our Road Rage Mixtape and traverse the great American landscape all the way to New York, New York, where The New Rachel has been making an afternoon picnic for dinner, featuring every Vegan’s favorite delicacy, “the turkey burger.” She plops down a the table-for-two and busies herself thinking about how much potato salad reminds her of Finn’s genitals.

where did i hide that wevibe

now where did i hide that wevibe

Rachel maintains the table set-up for 45 minutes so she can dramatically remove her sad sack entrees from the table when Geyerdean shows up and apologizes for being late.

look me in the eyes and tell me you've never accidentally taken the A to Ozone Park

look me in the eyes and tell me you’ve never accidentally taken the A train to Ozone Park

The New Rachel: “You know, it’s amazing how I strive for such greatness for myself and my career, but I’m fine with taking whatever scraps I can get with my personal life.”
Geyerdean: “Well, I’m sorry. The train was late.”

True story: sometimes the train is late. Rachel’s unconcerned with reality, however, so Geyerdean opens his mouthhole and says words including:

Geyerdean: “All I was thinking was that I would wait all night, I would wait my whole life for that train if it meant that I got to spend my last day with you.”
Rachel: “I guess I could put it in the microwave.”

But Geyerdean’s willing to put the Turkey Lurkey on hold in favor of dancing. The New Rachel points out that there’s no music, seeing as they presently exist in a tech time-warp where Geyerdean lacks a cell-phone he could use to tell The New Rachel the train is late and the New Rachel lacks a cell phone she could use to ask Geyerdean what the holdup is and Rachel/Kurt lack a stereo or laptop or ipod dock or tape deck or record player or keyboard.

okay fine i guess we could try anal for a minute but if i scream, you've gotta pull out okay

okay fine i guess we could try anal for a minute but if i scream, you’ve gotta pull out okay

“Use your imagination,” he suggests, and apparently her imagination imagines Ryder Bieber-Strong performing The Flamingos’ arrangement of Warren and Dubin’s “I Only Have Eyes For You,” ’cause that’s where this scene sends us:

and i said baby baby baby no

and i said baby baby baby no

On the dance floor, New Puck tells Marley-Kate that she’s the most amazing person he ever met and he doesn’t want to be with anybody else.

look at how boring we are individually and just imagine how boring we could be together as a team!

look at how boring we are individually and just imagine how boring we could be together as a team!

Blaine returns from his meeting and escorts Tina to the dance floor, where she maintains her insipid and pointless unempowered moony attraction for a gay man who will never want her back, just like Kurt didn’t want Mercedes and Blaine didn’t want Rachel and Justin didn’t want Daphne and Ricky didn’t want Delia Fisher and Maxxie didn’t want Sketch and Alex didn’t want Liv and Marco didn’t want Ellie and David didn’t want Tracy and Will didn’t want Grace. So.

you're right, i am the prettiest princess!

you’re right, i am the prettiest princess!

Back in The Barbie Bushwick Dreamhouse Loft, Geyerdean promises to never be late again and even volunteers to move to Bushwick, because he’s a moron.

Rachel: “Why don’t you just move in?”

Um, because that’s the stupidest fucking idea you’ve ever had. Well, besides this idea:
rachel


Over Pennsylvania and through the woods to Lima Ohio we go, where The Too Young to Be Bitter Club is giving accolades to Tina for her fantastic Sadie Hawkins Dance idea.

caption

and then we all looked at our vaginas in the mirror and got really genuinely empowered!

Lauren: “That Sadie Hawkins dance gave me back my swag. I not only snagged the cutest Christian hippie in all of Ohio, I was also empowered to apply for a wrestling scholarship at Harvard.”

McKinley High is basically a holding cell for underachievers with spotty high school records to snag spots at Ivy League schools for weird reasons, yeah?

Is really enjoying her Babeland Remote Vibe Panty Today

Is really enjoying her Babeland Remote Vibe Panty Today

Then Tina’s like, “Just between us girls, I think I found the love of my life!”

Becky says, “You’re not talking about gay Blaine!” and before anybody can give a tip of the hat to Becky, Tina disbands the meeting and disbands the club itself altogether forvermore and we’re left here with empty memories of when this show had a lesbian in it!

 

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Riese is the 37-year-old CEO, CFO and Editor-in-Chief of Autostraddle.com as well as an award-winning writer, blogger, fictionist, copywriter, video-maker, low-key Jewish power lesbian and aspiring cyber-performance artist who grew up in Michigan, lost her mind in New York and then headed West. Her work has appeared in nine books including "The Bigger the Better The Tighter The Sweater: 21 Funny Women on Beauty, Body Image & Other Hazards Of Being Female," magazines including Marie Claire and Curve, and all over the web including Nylon, Queerty, Nerve, Bitch, Emily Books and Jezebel. She had a very popular personal blog once upon a time, and then she recapped The L Word, and then she had the idea to make this place, and now here we all are! In 2016, she was nominated for a GLAAD Award for Outstanding Digital Journalism. Follow her on twitter and instagram.

Riese has written 2744 articles for us.

38 Comments

  1. WHY DO PEOPLE KEEP GIVING RYAN MURPHEY MONEY TO MAKE THINGS!?
    UGGGGGGGGH.

    This recap was amazing. I read this recap and then promptly donated 10$ to autostraddle.

  2. Thoughts:

    -Kurt’s new bf looks like he’s old enough to be his dad! I knew a lot of gay guys in college who did the May-December thing, but I’m pretty sure that’s not what Glee intends to have happen here.

    -Wait, so we spent multiple episodes breaking up Rachel/Finn and Kurt/Blaine, and like 15 minutes on Brittana. But the other two “one’s still in Lima and one’s gone” couples get…nothing? I figured people just didn’t give a shit about Sam or Mercedes, but we don’t get anything about Tina and Mike either? Dafuq?

    -Haven’t we already done the “straight girls get crushes on gay guys” thing TWICE over? Do we need to do this again? Can’t we just have straight girls become friends with gay guys without having to fall in love with them first? It happens all the time IRL, you know.

    • And by “people” who don’t give a shit about Sam and Mercedes, I mean Glee writers. I for one was really happy to see Mercedes get in a long-term relationship after waiting way, way, WAY too long while all the thinner girls went through multiple boyfriends. And I was glad we got one that had build-up and from a character we previously knew, rather than just a new character where their only connection was that they were both black.

      Also, I have a feeling that either Sam or Blaine will turn out to be bi. I would prefer it be Sam, but if it were Blaine, it would be funny because Blaine’s denial and then realization of his bisexuality would parallel mine when you throw in the events of “Blame It On The Alcohol.” (Long story short: When I was 15 and questioning my sexuality and really wishing I wasn’t, I was at a slumber party where we played Truth or Dare and I had to “stage-kiss” another girl. I didn’t enjoy it, so I decided at the party that I must be straight because obviously, not enjoying almost-kissing one particular girl in front of tons of squealing other girls, is totally the same as not enjoying kissing all girls anywhere.)

    • By the way, my analysis is based on the fact that some other recaps I read seem to think that Blaine was into Tina. I didn’t watch the episode.

      Maybe I should to form my own opinions?

      Nah….this is Glee.

  3. I also think it’s worth noting that this episode about “female empowerment” was written by a man, and directed by a man. All six producers are men and all four executive producers are also men. #justsaying

  4. I actually had to sit through this because my mother records Glee on her DVR and I was at home from school this weekend and managed to be there when she watched it. But at this point I’m convinced she only watches it so she doesn’t hurt the DVR’s feelings.

    Watching this also meant having to listen to my father ask ‘is he gay? is she gay? aren’t they all gay?’ and my mother explaining to him what Britanna is before asking if he’ll be quiet so she can go back to finishing the episode.

  5. I liked the montage of them singing The Name Game while pansexual aliens impregnated the Pope’s most faithful underling, Sister Mudy Winters!!!

    [My Glee days are over, and my cleanse now includes not reading about it, but sometimes when I see a new recap published I remember the sense of uneasy togetherness brought to me by communally hate-watching a show, and I feel the need to comment. Sorry about that.]

  6. True story, I was like “didn’t the other team get disqualified for having a high schooler on their team and then they got to move on?”

    “oh wait no that was Pitch Perfect.” I’m getting my show choir total bullshit confused.

  7. Ok, three thoughts.

    1. Crystal Cleat Pepsi was totally the shit.
    2. I legit thought Finn was Schue in the scene when Blaine and Sam present the roids evidence to him. They have merged in my mind.
    3. I think I saw Unique laying and singing on top of the piano in that Ryder song at the dance, and if I’m right about that I’m very upset they didn’t really show it.

    I think I might just start watching Pitch Perfect every time a new episode of Glee comes on so I don’t subject myself to this but still get to enjoy the singing of adults playing teenagers. Plus yes please Anna Kendrick/Brittany Snow sexual chemistry.

  8. The funniest thing about Tina crushing on Blaine is that she was the one who told Mercedes she needed a gay intervention when she was crushing on obviously-gay Kurt! yay continuity! yay Glee!

  9. i get mad at myself for being mad that the show doesn’t make sense

    but yes a sadie hawkins dance–as defined so rigidly by the characters on this very show–would not be feasible at blaine’s all boys’ school

    plus–wasn’t his school known for its zero tolerance policy toward acts of bigotry and seemingly kinder student body? are we to believe that the new batch of students and warblers suddenly changed the entire culture to the point that he’d have to leave?

    see, i’m mad at myself for analyzing it again. it’s better if i just think of it as a sketch show where each week the actors play different characters

    • this is actually something that drove me a little crazy about this recap but that’s just cause I’m detail oriented and things drive me crazy easily and I was hoping someone else would be as crazy as me and comment. Blaine wasn’t always a Dalton boy. He transferred to Dalton from some public school somewhere because he was bullied for taking his little boyfriend to a Sadie Hawkins Dance and that was the last straw. Then he went to Dalton where he met Kurt and fell in love and transferred to McKinley. The only thing he didn’t like about Dalton was the fact that Kurt was no longer there. The episode even stated that the Sadie Hawkins incident was why he transferred TO Dalton not FROM.

      I still don’t understand why he can just transfer to some public school willy nilly without being in their district. I mean I know his parents have money because they were paying for Dalton and all but did they just up and move to another part of Lima or something? Ugh. This show just making shit up as it goes.

        • I have a feeling that they’ve been friends longer than that it’s just that Ryan (I feel like I know all his shitty work well enough to be on a first name basis) and the rest of the Glee team don’t care enough about Tina and they only really started caring about Blaine now that Kurt is in NY because they have to have a token gay at McKinley so they didn’t show any of their friendship.
          Also, that was amazing. I did always wonder about the vegan thing (mainly cause I’m a vegan and I thought it was cool that Rachel was too but then she wasn’t and then she was and now she’s not?).

      • thanks i was informed of my mistake soon after posting but alas there is no edit feature

        but my statement about it resembling a sketch show with whole characters changing week to week still stands

  10. Good luck to Lauren Zizes applying for that non-existent wrestling scholarship at Harvard. It’s like they go out of their way to make every single part of the episode unbelievable.

  11. Riese, I know you hate writing these, but reading them is truly a highlight of my week. And I have to read them at home alone otherwise I’d be dying laughing every 2 seconds at work.

    Also may I say that Intern Bren was on FIRE with the captions this week!

    • awww, thank you! and I write the captions, silly! intern grace makes the actual pictures and names the jpg files, but she didn’t do that this week, they just have generic names because she had the flu. but i always write the captions!

      • Ooooh crap, I was toooooootally wrong on that! Well, high five Intern Grace, double-high five to you because the captions seriously kill me every time.

        “OH HEY ISN’T IT WEIRD HOW WE’RE ALONE IN THIS EMPTY HALLWAY FOR NO REASON”, captions 1 and 2, were brilliant. Why did it never occur to me before that this was weird?? Teachers in my high school nabbed truants alone in the hallways in 2 seconds.

        I also love Intern Bren anyway!

    • Weirdly, the A.V. Club only gave it a C-.

      (I often wonder what their grading scale is, because Downton Abbey got a D+ last week, but I think the writers would agree that even the worst episodes of a show like Downton Abbey are better than the best episodes of Glee.)

  12. First off….I just have to say.. I LOVE reading your Glee recaps. And I have to admit that I have a love/hate relationship with the show.

    I loved it during its earlier seasons and was mostly happy with it during Season 1 and Season 2…season 3 drove me somewhat insane and annoyed me A LOT (Spanish teacher episode — don’t even get me started).

    I usually don’t comment…but just want to say this (and I know that this will reveal that I am in fact a Glee fan…ooops) regarding Blaine:

    Blaine transferred to Dalton Academy from his other school (name of which was never mentioned) because he was bullied at said school and the faculty didn’t do anything about it. To quote Blaine “I mean, they were sympathetic but you could just tell that they were like ‘you’re gay. life is just going to suck for you. deal with it'”

    Blaine didn’t transfer to Dalton because of what happened to him in the dance at this former school (which is probably one of the many instances of bullying he had to deal with).

    Blaine did transfer to McKinley for Kurt.

  13. some thoughts:
    1) lolita isn’t actually cosplay, it’s just a fashion style. not a criticism, just that my girlfriend loves lolita and i feel like if i don’t point this out i will be in trouble with her.
    2) you missed ‘ron weasley/a guy with a talking dick’ from the list of adam’s apple’s curious assortment. poor joey. he finally gets on glee and it’s that fucking performance.
    3) i am really upset about the whole joco affair. apparently glee literally contacted him and told him he had no rights. bluh.
    4) i did not know zizes had returned and now i am really upset. can she get a spinoff? can pm everyone but finn and shoebox get a spinoff?

  14. Loved the recap. Loved the new guy for Kurt; always hated Blaine and Darren Criss, and it’s refreshing to see someone actually compliment Kurt and not be an attention whore all the time.

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