Glee 403 Recap: Makeover Takeover Apple Turnover

Welcome to the third recap of the fourth season of Glee: The College Years, starring two gay guys, a few stupid females, a handful of manipulative/psychotic females, lots of flexible enthusiastically-dressed background dancers and extras with permanent stinkeye. It’s a glorious show, is what I’m trying to tell you. Fucking beautiful, this thing.


Here’s what this show is good at: one-liners, surprising details, subtext, music and quirky characters. Here’s what this show is bad at: plot, character development, story, effectively filming and editing its consistently excellent and often quite inventive choreography in a manner that best exhibits said choreography.

This episode is chock-full of those signature clever/wacky details that make you laugh and those exuberantly arranged musical numbers that make you squeal with delight. It also employs a repeat of a tired, useless plot that already bludgeoned itself to death halfway through season three and requires, as per ushe, back-breaking extensions of disbelief. Furthermore, new characters Brody, Jake and Marley are, so far, mind-numbingly boring and an unwelcome departure from Glee‘s commitment to — if nothing else — lively characters.

Anyhow! Let’s get this over with!

We open in the Hallowed Homosexual Hallways of McKinley High, where Blaine Anderson is performing the standard Glee opening voiceover: “Because of [xxx], I’m not [the star/captain/most-loved-human/accepted-applicant of xxx], but this [day/year/month/semester/episode/lunar cycle] that’s all gonna change!”

Blaine: “Alright Blaine Anderson, time to change things up. Last year, it was all about letting the seniors shine, but this year, it’s your turn.”

eat your heart out ladies, that isn’t a banana in my pocket

Due to the infectious opening chords of Tears For Fears’ “Everybody Wants to Rule the World,” however, I find myself inexorably buoyed with spirit, pep, and possibly even shine, before our young bowtied homo even opened his piehole. I’m on board with this episode. Speaking of boards…

unfortunately the art club had already been filled to capacity by one enormous bunny rabbit

Blaine’s Plan to Shine is like amateur ninja global warming — Blaine will shine by sharing his light with all of goddess’s creatures, e.g., The Sewing Club! Also, The Superhero Sidekick Club!

here let me show you a little role-play me and my #1 lover, kurt hummel, do when we play “superheroes”

He also joins the Advanced D+D Club (a.k.a., “Dungeons and Dragons” for all ye novices and non-former-Dungeonmasters out there), which appears to consist of an Annie-Lebowitz-photography-session-ready array of nerdy children dressed as mythical creatures of yesteryear and imagination!

A very potter musical

Blaine admits that his drive to shine has been influenced by Kurt’s drive to drive to New York City and Blaine’s subsequent loneliness:

Blaine: “We talk and Skype and text as much as possible, but the only time we’re really in sync is when we’re hate-watching Treme together.”

who needs HBO shows written by masterful storytellers with a deep commitments to honesty and even social change when we could just watch and/or be on Glee?

The “Everybody Wants to Rule the World” climaxes with Blaine onstage in the auditorium, singing while surrounded by dancing superheroes, fairy princesses, cheerleaders, knights and boys in tights with laser-guns. It’s actually kinda rad.

screw fake julliard, i’m getting a job at six flags

Oh, and there’s one last thing Blaine’s gotta sign up for — class president!

that’s right, and we’ll all be bathing in hair gel at this year’s little mermaid prom

Brittany’s like, “what the fuck are you doing?” and Blaine’s like, “I’m running for president!” and Brittany’s like:

you know just ’cause your gay boyfriend is the only one who gets any screentime doesn’t mean i’m not in pain over the absence of my significant other, too and i don’t need this election to lift my ambiguous spirits


Starsweep in an Easterly direction towards glorious New York, New York, home of the world’s cheapest manicures and most expensive haircuts, where Kurt Hummel is interviewing for an internship at

oh god i shouldn’t have eaten that recession special at grey’s papaya

Kurt will be interviewing with the new editor and “designer extraordinare,” Isabelle Wright, who you and I all know as Peggy from Square Pegs and/or Janey from Girls Just Want to Have Fun. Just kidding you know her because her name is Carrie Bradshaw, and once upon a time she wore this gigantic flower on her boob:

In a Regina George-ish montage, sodden faces declare that Isabelle Wright/Carrie Bradshaw is  “a style maverick” who “double-majored in fashion design and dead romance languages” and “gave Steve Jobs his first black turtleneck.”

one time, isabelle wright punched me in the face. it was awesome.

The stern vaguely foreign model-esque receptionist who ushers Kurt into Carrie Bradshaw’s office is filing her nails, which is as lesbian as this show gets today, FYI.

is possibly hoping for a three-way scissoring skype session w/brittany and santana later

Kurt: “Hello?”
Carrie Bradshaw: “Columbus!”
Kurt: “Excuse me?
Carrie Bradshaw: “You’re from Lima, I’m from Columbus. And actually, I once got food poisoning in Lima —”

SPOILER ALERT: It wasn’t Cracker Barrel.

Carrie Bradshaw: “— at some Italian place, It was Bread—”
Kurt: “Sticks?”
Carrie Bradshaw: “Breadsticks! Yes!”
Kurt: “I can’t believe you ate at Breadsticks.”
Carrie Bradshaw: “Well, I wish I hadn’t.”

yes, it’s true, i have a giant purse and a bowl of fake tomatoes on my desk

Carrie Bradshaw adores Kurt’s online resume! Carrie Bradshaw adores his portfolio of outfits!

kurtwearssomecrazyassshit dot tumblr dot com

Carrie Bradshaw adores the Half-Sweater Situation of 2011, from which my retinas have never recovered!

remember this? i’ll never forget it

Carrie Bradshaw adores Kurt’s fashion inspiration! Kurt’s fashion inspiration includes Carrie Bradshaw! Wait what if Kurt’s fashion inspiration wasn’t Isabelle Wright, the character I’m presently referring to as ‘Carrie Bradshaw’ because why anything, but was Actual Carrie Bradshaw?

as i said earlier, pulling off a gigantic flower situation of this nature is no easy feat

Kurt quotes Carrie Bradshaw and Carrie Bradshaw says terrible corny things like, “This is New York; it’s for dreamers,” and gets away with it, which is when a lightbulb exploded in my brain and I realized The Rule of Sarah Jessica Parker: girlfriend can make corny sound genuine. Whatever she sells, I buy. She pulls it off. Excellent casting, Glee. BRAVO.

why yes, i do consider myself a charlotte

Kurt is hired on the spot!

Carrie Bradshaw: “Listen, my friend, anyone who can pull of a Hippo broach deserves to be here. So welcome to”
Kurt: “Thank you thank you so much!”
Carrie Bradshaw: “Oh, you’re very welcome!”
[Carrie Bradshaw is poked by the hippo broach during the hug]
Kurt: “Sorry.”
Carrie Bradshaw: “It’s okay, it’s okay. That should come with a warning.”
Kurt: “Oh, it did.”



Smear over the meadow, through the woods, across endless miles of Pennsylvania cornfields and fertilizer-drenched Ohio country air to McKinley High School, where Brit-Brit’s trying to wrangle Artie into being her own Joe Biden. Real talk: everybody needs a Joe Biden. But Artie’s not convinced he needs to pad his resume, really.

i love that there’s a couple making out in the background of every shot in this scene, effectively granting these strangers more sexy time than brittany and santana have ever had, ever

Artie: “I have a 4.0 GPA and I scored a 210 on my practice SAT, and I was the only handi-capable member of a national championship Glee Club. I’m not really worried about getting into college.”
Brittany: “I know people like you are afraid of the spotlight sometimes, but did you know that Franklin Roosevelt was part robot, too, and he’s on Mount Rushmore?”
Artie: “No he isn’t and I’m just gonna say it again, I’m not part Robot.”

In the world I graduated from in 1999, a 210 on your SAT was more or less what you get for spelling your own name right. What has happened to this world? Somebody fill me in. Also, does he mean PSATs, because “practice SATs” are things you can buy heaps of in workbooks and nbd. ANYHOW! Brittany assures Artie that were he to join up, she’d definitely do absolutely nothing and he could do absolutely everything.

Artie: “So I could be Cheney to your Bush.”
Brittany: “I’d rather be landing strip.”


that must be a new bra

Eventually, it’s the brain in Artie’s underpants that makes the final call:

Artie: “I mean, it’s no secret that a woman loves a man in power and don’t take this personally, but before I graduate, I would like to have a relationship that lasts longer than a couple weeks.”
Brittany: “Why would I take that personally?”
Artie: “You and I dated.”
Brittany: “We did?”
Artie: “Look, you’ve got yourself a deal.”

Much to our collective lesbian despair, Artie and Brittany’s relationship lasted way longer than a few weeks! Yet the dead horse of Glee’s continuity problem already has three black eyes, so what else is there to say.

Smear to another big bright beautiful inspirational morning in The Glee Club Room, where Mr. Schuester informs the students that their championship nabbed him a spot on the Rules Committee for next year:

Tina: “Please tell me you’re gonna ask what 1/2 vintage meant last year?”
Sam: “Or like, why some teams got to sing six songs and others only do one?”

Yes, please!

and that would be the bean-o kicking in

When Jake asks why they’re not preparing for sectionals, Will explains that they never prepare for sectionals, they only talk about preparing for sectionals constantly and then perform every song for the first time the day of the competition, duh! I mean, he says that he’s working very hard on ideas for this. But, via voiceover, Will confesses that he’s completely tapped out of ideas. All he’s come up with is “a scat version of Carmina Burana.” Anyhow who cares, Brittany’s got an announcement!

sometimes if I put my arm up santana this far, I can feel her breasts from the inside


1. Brittany’s curious if anybody’s got proof Blaine was born in the country.

2. Brittany has selected Artie as her running mate to breach “the human-slash-robot divide” and “ensure both humans and vending machines will be voting for us.”

and i will release santana and brittany’s sex tape exclusively on just saying.


The next scene is an adult scene and I don’t recap adult scenes, especially adult scenes peppered with lazy fat jokes, but I must tell you that in the next scene, Will tells Sue all he’s come up with for sectionals themes are “classic TV theme songs” or “a salute to Autumn” and if there’s anything that breaks the heart of a CEO of Ideas, it’s somebody with health insurance unable to come up with ideas for their job. Meanwhile here I am, overFLOWING with ideas and sans health insurance!

here’s a thought: britney 3.0. “E-mail My Heart” Edition

As much as I’d like to see Artie rap the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air theme song, I must offer my services to Will Schuester. How can he be out of ideas? I have so many ideas! Here are just five ideas I came up with in the last 20 minutes using the present cast with occasional guest stars from the old cast there are so many more where this came from:


1. Tegan & Sara, Obvs

“Take Me Anywhere” – Santana Lopez & Brittany S. Pierce

“City Girl” – Rachel Berry & Quinn Fabray

“Alligator” – Rachel Berry, re: Finn

“Nineteen” – Blaine Anderson

“On Directing” – Tina Cohen-Chang

“My Number” – Rachel Berry


2. Magic!

 “Do You Believe in Magic” (Lovin’ Spoonful) – Brittany S. Pierce, Tina Cohen-Chang, Sugar Motta and Unique Adams

“Under Your Spell” (from Buffy the Vampire Slayer) – Santana Lopez & Brittany S. Pierce

“Magical Mystery Tour” (The Beatles) – Rachel Berry with Santana, Mercedes & Quinn (visiting New York City, obvs)

“Every Little Thing She Does is Magic” (The Police) – Santana Lopez & Rachel Berry

“Magic Stick” (Lil’ Kim) – Santana Lopez & Unique Adams


3. Lilith Fair


“Fast Car” (Tracy Chapman) – Mercedes Jones & Sam Evans

“Get Gone” (Fiona Apple) – Marley Boringface

“Bitch” (Meredith Brooks) – Santana Lopez & Unique Adams & Rachel Berry

“Ice Cream” (Sarah McLachlan)  – Santana Lopez & Brittany S. Pierce

“Foolish Games” (Jewel) – Quinn Fabray & Rachel Berry

“Closer to Fine” (The Indigo Girls) – Santana Lopez, Rachel Berry, Mercedes Jones, Tina Cohen-Chang Brittany S. Pierce, Quinn Fabray, Marley Boringface & Unique Adams

“Angel” (Sarah McLachlan) – Mercedes Jones



4. Long-Distance Love

With so many Gleeks in long-distance relationships, this theme is a no-brainer. Unfortunately nobody at Glee has a brain.

“From a Distance (Bette Midler) – Rachel singing about Finn as he dodges land mines in Iraq

“Somewhere Out There” (Linda Ronstadt) – Rachel Berry & Quinn Fabray

“Hop A Plane” (Tegan & Sara) – Blaine Anderson & Kurt Hummel

“Carolina in my Mind” (James Taylor) – Sam Evans

“World at Large” (Modest Mouse) – Marley Boringface, Sananta Lopez & Rachel Berry

“Paper Planes” (M.I.A.) – Santana Lopez, Tina Cohen-Chang, Sugar Motta & Unique Adams

“Gone ‘Til November” (Wyclef Jean) – Blaine Anderson & Brittany S. Pierce



5. Rock Musical

“Take Me Or Leave Me” (RENT) – Brittany S. Pierce & Santana Lopez (YEAH I KNOW THEY ALREADY DID IT BUT THEY NEED TO DO IT AGAIN, LEZ-STYLE)

“Touch Me” (Spring Awakening) – Rachel Berry & Jesse St. James

“21 Guns” (American Idiot) – Everybody except Tree Frog Jesus

“The Origin of Love” (Hedwig and the Angry Inch) – Marley Boringface, Tina Cohen-Chang and Unique Adams

“One Night Only” (Dreamgirls) – Mercedes Jones & Unique Adams


Back in the Harrowing Hallways of McKinley High, Sam’s asking his new bestie (as of last episode) why she didn’t secure Sam as her running mate, and she explains that she feared they’d end up like Sarah Palin and “her grandfather,” who ran together, lost, and don’t even speak anymore!

huh, and i thought he was her great-uncle

So Brittany introduces Blaine to Sam (“we’ve already met several times” – Blaine) and declares Sam Blaine’s running mate. Blaine protests ’cause he wants to pick his own running mate. Perhaps his campaign could use a little Boring Marley or Unique Unique or Tree Frog Jesus or Dan Quayle?

tomatos, tomatoes

Sam points out that his food stamps will earn the sympathy vote (while completely massacring their shot at the vending machine vote, sidenote) and his not-gayness will get the not-gay vote and his impressions are hilarious.

Blaine: “Okay, sure.”

wow, sam’s got serious DSL

Brittany challenges them to a debate. “What’s a debate?” asks Sam. So that’s where we’re at with that.

Starsweep to New York, New York, home of world’s biggest apple, where the Style Team at have convened to bounce ideas around, re: leather. Carrie Bradshaw shoots down Chase’s “leather as punishment”/”pair with chunky boots” concept but then redacts her rejection slightly out of what seems to be compassion and an inability to turn people down — a curious antidote to Anna Wintour’s notoriously brutal honesty.

okay i need everybody to just forget ‘sex and the city 2’ ever happened and focus on the future

Daphne has an idea! What say you, Daphne?

Daphne: “Leather socks. Suede underpants. Cowhide brassieres.”
Carrie Bradshaw: “Daphne, did you go off your meds again?
Daphne: “Yes.”
Carrie Bradshaw: “Then I want you to stay off because that… is sick. I mean good sick, that’s the kind of sick I want you to be. You see that’s exactly what I’m talking about everybody, is forget the rules, let’s just toss them. You know, let’s think out of the box.”

Then Carrie Bradshaw has a confidence crisis and yanks Kurt into her office for a debrief.

okay sorry about that but somebody farted and i thought i’d do us both a favor and get the hell out of there

Carrie Bradshaw: “What did you think of the ideas in there?”
Kurt: “Fascinating.”
[look of disbelief from CB]
Kurt: “I hated them. Look, I know I’m just an intern but I feel like “unexpected leather” should be in the backpages of The Village Voice.”

Carrie Bradshaw confesses that she’s just too nice for this job — she’s promised everybody and their Mom she’ll do this or that piece they suggested and now she’s up to her eyeballs in Spankles (“spanks for cankles”). Kurt suggests “a music video that plays tribute to the most cutting-edge fashion,” which pretty much describes every single video on every single style website in the universe, including, I assume,

waiting for the perfect moment to ask if she needs a new stanford

Carrie Bradshaw then proceeds to execute a stunning breakdown regarding her crisis of faith in herself, not knowing if crazy ideas are brilliant or just crazy! What is she going to do about equestrian leather bazooka polka-dotted plaid platform wedges, kittens, plastic forks, striped socks, goblins and tree frogs?

what if that eagle had magical powers and suddenly this episode got really magical

To be honest this exchange isn’t completely different than many of my interactions with Intern Grace. That’s the hidden benefit of an intern. You guys I got really sick at camp and Grace brought me Cheerios and pitchers of water while I writhed in my underpants and sat and talked to me until I felt better, I just need you to know that. Interns sometimes make screencaps but sometimes listen to you cry and freak out, too.

Smear back to the heartiest heartland in all of the world, Lima, Ohio, not to be confused with Lima, Peru, which doesn’t have a Cracker Barrel. Artie tells Brit-Brit that JBI’s recent poll suggests students will attend the debate… to see if Brit-Brit says something stupid.

don’t bring up that time i called you stupid, that’s been stricken from the record along with lea’s veganism and quinn’s everything

Artie: “You’re not stupid, you’re really creative. Your brain exists in this magical other dimension where anything is possible. It’s really amazing.”

Artie’s not alone in his pre-debate panic, Blaine’s concerned about Sam’s oral skills as well and thus we segue into a rousing rendition of “Celebrity Skin” — it’s full of energy, humor, crazy fashions and appropriate ‘plot development.’ Much like the opening musical number, it’s really rad and fun and Brittany gets to be all bossy in a powersuit, so everybody wins.


Smear back to New York City, home of the most haphazardly mapped grocery stores in the Western Hemisphere, where Rachel and Kurt are galavanting about, initially outdoors in Manhattan and subsequently on The Set of RENT: Bushwick!

oh my god i just got the worst blow job at the eagle

Rachel’s having a crisis! See, Rachel came to New York City to reinvent herself but still looks like Polly Pocket and the other dance glass girls are bitches and she destroyed her exposed brick with tribute graffiti for Finn Hudson, a.k.a. World’s Worst Claymation Experiment.

Kurt: “I hate to say this but life is like high school. Styles and clothes determine the pecking order.”

and i can’t spend my whole life masturbating on that bicycle, you know?

Suddenly, a giant anvil falls from the deconstructed ceiling, knocking Kurt unconscious and turning him into a total fucking idiot. Well, I think that’s what happened because I’ve got no other explanation for why Kurt thinks it’s a great idea to solve Rachel’s confidence crisis by whipping over to midtown (a trip that’d take 1.5/2 hours by rail or $40 by cab at this time of night)…


… and breaking into the ultra-secure CONDE NAST BUILDING, where he’s been interning for approximately 24 hours, to rob their couture closet and make Rachel feel less sad about Ohio and The Cracker Barrel and applesauce and Santana never being on the show and the fact that she’s constantly paired with monumentally boring romantic partners.

damn it feels good to be a gayngster

Much to my surprise/relief, Carrie Bradshaw is ecstatic when she arrives at the office with her security detail to find Kurt and that girl from Spring Awakening!  Why?

oh my god we’re wearing the same outfit

Because Kurt uses Carrie Bradshaw’s favorite word, “makeover”!

look! poprocks!

Thus we segue into “You’re Never Fully Dressed Without a Smile/The Way You Look Tonight” makeover sequence, which involves heaps of giant puffalump dresses and lots of running around while touching clothing. It’s like a cotton commercial! Also this is important because Carrie Bradshaw played Annie and “You’re Never Fully Dressed Without a Smile” is from Annie.

Unfortunately, Kurt is dressed like the ’80s throwing up on the ’50s.

Cut to the next night, maybe, at The Set of RENT: Bushwick! where Kurt’s video-chatting his laddy love back in Lima and you can just feel that Kurt’s gonna sink chin-deep into a swamp of self-absorption at some point during this convo.

and then rachel was finger-fucking kate hudson!

Blaine: “You’re hanging out with fashion goddess Isabelle Wright and I’m running for student body president with a stripper.”
Kurt: “Oh yeah I forgot about that, how’s it going?”

oooo nobody told me modcloth was having a sale

Blaine: “It’s going okay. But um, I did want to ask you what bowtie you think I should wear for tomorrow’s date. I have narrowed it down to five, but mainly I have…”
Kurt: [dismissive] “Bow ties are your signature, whatever you choose you’re gonna look great in.”

There’s chaos on Kurt’s end and he’s distracted by Rachel for a moment as Blaine waits, alone and wearing a plaid bathrobe in his bedroom in Nowhere, Ohio, wishing his boyfriend would treat Blaine more like his boyfriend and less like his press secretary. As Kurt rattles on about turtlenecks and Chloe Sevingy and whatever whatever his video bla bla bla, Blaine’s Face of Despondence sinks to the lowest league of the sea, where it hangs out waiting for the scene to end and become a different scene.

Thus we travel back to The Glorious Midwest, where Will is talking about himself, and then we all die of boredom! Then we all come back to life and shuffle into the sparsely occupied McKinley High School Gymnasium for The Debate. Sam advises Blaine to ditch the bowtie ’cause it makes him look like Orville Reddenbacher but tiny and gay and Blaine does and he looks good!

what i want you to do here blaine is look at the man in the mirror and ask him to make a change

You know what else looks good? DONUTS!

seriously so good

Sue introduces the “pimp and the gimp” for the Vice-Presidential Cook-Off and opens by asking them, “who in God’s name gives a hot wet steamy dump about student government?” to which I say NOT ME!!! Then Artie rambles forever about active student bodies, after-school programs, the cafeteria, bla bla bla, and Sue takes a question from twitter (hahaha!) for Sam, and that question is, “are you ashamed of being a stripper?” And the answer to that question is no, he’s not.

only if it’s shameful for me to be superman!

The crowd goes wild! Then it’s time for the Presidential candidates to duke it out. Blaine opens be reiterating that Brittany didn’t do anything during her term and laying down the law re: hair gel.

and this year the prom theme will be “santana” and the entire episode would be devoted to santana lopez

Blaine: “Telling anyone what they can or cannot put into their hair is disgusting. It’s the first step towards tyranny my friends. Next thing you know, they’ll start burning books. And then they’ll probably start burning people, too.”

Then Brittany tells everyone she loves high school so much that if she was president, she would make school year-round!

Brittany: “If you make me your president, Saturday and Sunday will be illegal so that Monday will come right after Friday which is the funnest day anyways!”

and then you use your thumb on the back end

As we’ve established, “school” for Brittany involves zero homework, all your friends being there all the time, free lunch and complementary storage. Unfortunately the electorate’s experience of “school” is dismal and involves doing work, dodging rock-salt assault and scavenging for tater tots, so basically Brittany is gonna lose and everything on this show is arbitrary all the time.

the day glee ran out of extras

I feel like my lack of enthusiasm for this program is influencing the quality of this recap. I don’t care about any of these things or characters and I can’t pretend like I do! I don’t hate it, either, or have any deep personal investment in it or a deep personal investment in hating it (like The Real L Word), it’s just like, whatever, let’s watch BLUES CLUES.


Starsweep to New York City, home of Tasti-D-Lite and the Statue of Liberty, where Kurt’s summoned to Carrie Bradshaw’s office for feedback on the Music Video Paying Tribute to Cutting-Edge Fashions he threw together last week during the Break-In Makeover!

just realized he has a flesh-eating wolf on his chest

Well — are you sitting down for this? Anna loves it! You know Anna. Anna Wintour!

but let’s call it “pummel video” instead

Carrie Bradshaw says, “I had an instinct about you Kurt Hummel, and so far it’s proven to be correct. I feel like we’re real kindred spirits, don’t you?” and Kurt is like “TOTES” and he calls her a fairy godmother. Based on their two days of love/cheer, Carrie Bradshaw decides Kurt should really reconsider NYADA and focus on FASHION.

a wise woman once told me that sometimes our mistakes make our fate! how about THAT!


Elsewhere in the fabulous town of New York, New York, Rachel is meeting up with The Dude at the dance studio so he can see her hot haircut and leotard situation.

has switched from the bicycle to the barre

Intoxicated by one another’s mutual attractiveness, the duo embark upon a very enthusiastic cover of a terrible, terrible, terrible song. It’s called “A Change Would Do You Good” and I swear on my hamster Picky-Picky’s grave that it was in a commercial and that’s why I hate it. But I can’t find anything on the entire internet about it being in a commercial! Maybe it was on the soundtrack at GapKids when I worked there or something. Sheryl Crow’s got way better songs. Jesus I hate this song.

At the scene’s breathy, close-mouthed conclusion, Rachel asks:

Rachel: “What are you doing tomorrow night? I wanna cook you dinner.”

I hope it’s Grilled Soy Cheese!

Thus we teleport back to the rolling valleys of Ohio, the state I will be in next Thursday when the next episode of Glee is on! It’s time to announce who won Student Council President! Unfortunately Becky’s unable to even summon enough enthusiasm to bang the xylophone.

face it, becky, the xylophone’s the only thing either of us will ever have a chance to bang on this program

SPOILER ALERT: Blaine won!

Sugar: “Make some noise. We know him!”

Cut to the giant election-winning party!

i hope there’s confetti cake somewhere to go with that confetti

Artie’s not too bummed about losing ’cause he already got what he wanted — Sugar asked him on a date to go horseback riding, which’ll be interesting. Artie asks Blaine if Kurt is SO EXCITED about the win and Blaine lies and says Kurt’s way excited and is totally planning a big inaugural ball.

After Artie exits the screen, Blaine tries calling Kurt but Kurt’s at a work thing with SJP and other fancy-dressed people so he denies the call, which’s supposed to be super-meaningful, as if boys who are truly in love answer their cellphones at work. Blaine should text!

lol all our models are severely underweight hahahaa drinks and purses hahahaha

Back at the Election Celebration Party, Sam checks in with his running mate.

Sam: “There’s the man of the hour. You all right?”
Blaine: “You know it didn’t hit me until right now: I came to McKinley for Kurt — that’s it. And now he’s gone, and even with Glee Club I just… I feel really, really… alone.”
Sam: “You’re kinda killing my party buzz, Bro.”
Blaine: “I’m sorry, it’s just that I did all fo this for him, I did all of this for him. And now he’s not here. And so it just kind of feels like none of it matters.”
Sam: “Of course it matters, you’re McKinley’s first gay guy president.”
Blaine: “Nobody cares about that.”

Sam: “Look, before you, Kurt was the first gay kid I met. don’t get me wrong, he’s great, but I just don’t really get his Bravo jokes ir the fashion thing or Broadway. You and me, it’s different, you know? Never had a gaybro before. We’d be like Wolverine and Cyclops, you know, show people how we’re cool with each other. And if you ask me, that’s what matters.”

i mean, before kurt i thought all gay guys were like clay aiken

Oh my God Sam is such a friendslut this season! Then Brittany comes over and Sam cozies up to her like somebody who might steal her from Santana in which case I would die.


Sam tells Brittany that he voted for her, which is stupid, and says other words Brittany enjoys:

Brittany: “I don’t know how you did it. You just always know exactly the right thing to say.”


Cut to New York, New York, home of the bike messenger who ran over my foot on 46th street right after I’d bought a piping hot cup of Tuscan White Bean soup and a Peppermint Mocha, where Rachel Berry, World’s Most Inconsistent Vegan, is attempting to prepare a romantic dead animal feast for That Dude.

willow would be able to turn this fire into a vegan duck feast using a conjuring spell and you know it

Before Rachel can go out back, slaughter another helpless plumped-up bird and drop it into a saucepan, Brody shows up! With flowers!

hey i’m here to restock your vase?

I’d like to link to the TV Trope page on “Independent Women Can’t Cook,” but apparently they’re still working that one out.  Thus, over piping hot slices of non-vegan pizza, the happy not-couple exchange banter regarding “things nobody knows about me” and it’s supposed to be hilarious but is definitely not hilarious or interesting. That Dude was obsessed with Ace of Base and Rachel grammatically corrected a love note she received in elementary school. HAHAHAHAH!

Rachel: “I’ve never told anybody that before, not even Finn.”

Then they start kissing…

you can’t really see but i think it’s better that way

…but then there’s a knock at the Brian Kinney Door. WHO’S AT THE DOOR??!!

Is it Jesse St. James?

No, it’s not that guy. Perhaps Quinn is using that monumentally expensive Rail pass to ride all the way to New York from New Haven for a little cunnilingus?

Oh whoops, I forgot that this show never wants to give me any lesbo-action. Dammit. Well, maybe Rachel’s right and it’s just Kurt, who maybe lost his key or whatever?

No, it’s not St. Gay of Lima. Hm. Oh, I know! It’s that girl from that show everybody’s always talking about!

Oh, never mind, I guess it’s not Honey Boo Boo. Perhaps Murphy heard my wails of pain and despair and has brought in Santana for a little last-scene hanky-panky?

Okay if it’s not Santana, maybe it’s a desperate man hunting for last-minute support from absentee voters in swing states?

i’d like to talk to you about the church of jesus christ and the latter-day saints, if you have a minute

Okay, I give up, it must be a potato sack delivery from!

hey i hear there’s an empty kiln in the neighborhood so you can bake me into a human form?

Womp WOMP.

i was just in the neighborhood and I smelled pizza

Who will Rachel choose? The boring guy behind her or the boring guy in front of her?!! Tune in next week to find out in an episode entitled “The Break-Up,” which sounds really promising! Santana will be singing “Mine,” by Taylor Swift.




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Riese is the 37-year-old CEO, CFO and Editor-in-Chief of as well as an award-winning writer, blogger, fictionist, copywriter, video-maker, low-key Jewish power lesbian and aspiring cyber-performance artist who grew up in Michigan, lost her mind in New York and then headed West. Her work has appeared in nine books including "The Bigger the Better The Tighter The Sweater: 21 Funny Women on Beauty, Body Image & Other Hazards Of Being Female," magazines including Marie Claire and Curve, and all over the web including Nylon, Queerty, Nerve, Bitch, Emily Books and Jezebel. She had a very popular personal blog once upon a time, and then she recapped The L Word, and then she had the idea to make this place, and now here we all are! In 2016, she was nominated for a GLAAD Award for Outstanding Digital Journalism. Follow her on twitter and instagram.

Riese has written 2727 articles for us.


  1. Ohhhh Glee creators, when will you learn. Having SJP sing with Lea and Chris is like having Corey dance near Heather or Harry. You’re just asking for my ears and eyes to bleed.

  2. Romney sure knows how to pick those indecisive swing voters, huh? Because who loves a rich misogynistic gay-bashing mormon better than a broke Jewish girl and a gay guy living in that oh-so-Conservative heartland of NYC!

    • Well I feel like Rachel and Kurt are probably voting absentee ballot, in order to make their vote count the best, and OH is a swing state.

      Still, seriously, the RNC should know better than to ask them, pretty sure their votes are not “in play” this election. Just like how the Republican politicians going door-to-door when my family lived in Michigan knew to skip our house because of my parents’ long Democratic voting record + history of trolling the pants off of our Republican neighborhoods with stuff like a life-size, cardboard John Kerry during the ’04 election.

  3. things:

    1. I liked this episode
    2. I loved SJP (who didn’t? raise your hand so i can shake my head at you)
    3. I think that Tegan and Sara tribute episode should happen sooner than later
    4. I was greatly displeased by the obvious Brittany/Sam foreshadowing 🙁
    5. New York Post-Makeover Rachel Berry = Lea Michele. And Lea has dropped veganism, so…
    6. Oh my GOD ‘Mine’ is SO cute sung by Naya that I’ve allowed myself to listen to it despite being a Taylor Swift song!

    Also I will never ever ever get tired of the ‘who’s at the door?’ montages. Ever!

  4. “potato sack delivery from!” dutifully logged in my file of “fantastic euphemisms for Cory Monteith.” Thank you for that gem.

    As always – stellar recap, hysterical captions. 🙂

  5. That one second of Neil Patrick Harris was better than every second of all of Glee has ever been.
    Unfortunately, even the epitome of perfection NPH cannot bring back those terrible, wasted hours of my life.

  6. Riese, I am SO glad you talked about the whole Rachel Berry vegan thing! I spent a good amount of time today googling variations of that because WHY IS THIS A THING NO ONE IS NOTICING?!

    Great recap, as always!

  7. My soul went dead during A Change Will Do You Good. Thanks for resuscitating it a little with that “he forgot there was a flesh-eating wolf on his chest” business.

    I want to keep loving this show. I don’t think that’s going to happen.

  8. I don’t care about the new characters or about the Lima half of the show (With the exception of Brit) and the NYC storyline is just mediocre.
    Now that Glee is on at the same time as Grey’s Anatomy I don’t watch it “live” anymore but after this start of the season I am seriously considering cancelling it from my DVR too…

  9. 1. “Landing strip” nearly had me doing a spit take.
    2. Kurt photoshopped into SJP gave me flashbacks to Steve Buscemi eyes, so thanks for that.
    3. The caption of Brittany raising her hand had me doing an actual spit take (I really shouldn’t drink things while reading these recaps).
    4. Someone needs to send Ryan Murphy all of those episode ideas, preferably the Tegan and Sara one first.
    5. All recaps should have “Who’s at the door?” montages.

  10. Yeah I’m pretty sure Artie meant PSAT because 210 is actually a really good score on the PSAT.

    But why is he talking about the PSAT as a senior? That’s something you take preferably in sophomore year (if you want to be eligible to be a National Merit Scholar), and if not that in junior year. Dude should be getting ready for the actual SATs.

    I guess this goes with how the Glee universe seems to do all the college-admissions shit on a delayed schedule compared to the real world.

    • YEAH THIS. Sophomore year for the PSAT. This is important. And it stands for “preliminary” not “practice” I GOT REALLY MAD AT THIS.

      I am really good at one thing, and that is standardized testing, so I know these things.

  11. SPOILER ALERT!!!!!

    I have heard that there are two break-ups in “The Break-Up” next week and one of them is for-sure Finchel, but also the other one could be Wemma (don’t care), Klaine (might be a little sad) or Brittana (noooooo!) But apparently Santana sings a love song to Brittany so I don’t think it’s the last one.

  12. I do appreciate the time and effort you put into these recaps. Alas, I skip all parts with new cast, all parts in NYC, all parts involving the “adults” in the show. I did laugh at the manip with Kurt’s head on SJP’s body.

    I wish I could turn back time a year and NOT order season 1 and 2 DVDs. I believed, from those, Brittana would get decent treatment season 3. I put aside my disinterest in a show set in a high school and started to watch last year. The last episode I TRIED to watch in its entirety was On My Way. That was such a craphash, I only viewed clips from then on. I’ve yet to watch even a clip from S4. In another week, I may not even need to read recaps!

  13. Things about the episode:

    1)Ughh Brittney you would be so likable if you didn’t say racist and just really offensive things.. (Also when will the talk about Brittney having a learning disability? Like Seriously.)

    2)Also wasn’t Sam with Mercedes? Aren’t they doing the long distance thing? But we will probably never know because Glee hates POC’s

    3)Still wondering when they will learn that no one should be the new Rachel and share the bloody spotlight.

    4) Also why is will still here?

  14. Every time I watch Glee a piece of my soul dies. And that’s why I watch it. I want my soul to die so I stop having feelings so I stop being annoyed and frustrated at things like stupid TV shows and psychopathic roommates.

    Also, handicapable is the stupidest word in the world, and I *am* part robot.

    P.S. Celebrity Skin should never be reinterpreted as a pop song. Never.

    Wow. I had a lot of feelings about this episode.

  15. I never noticed Rachel/duck and pizza until you pointed it out and now I’m furious at myself! Gah, these writers!

    I’m in a bit of a conundrum because I think Lea Michele is fucking hot so I enjoy Rachel’s sexy new look (which is basically just Lea) and watching her run in slow motion eating ice cream, BUT I feel sad that they’re taking away all of Rachel’s dorky/insane/adorable idiosyncrasies and shaping her into someone who fits the mould.

    Also Brody sucks. Like I hate Finn as much as any other lesbian, but Brody is a two-dimensional cliché of a character with no personality and whose only function is to deliver cheesy lines?? This is such lazy storytelling. YAWN.

    WHERE IS QUINN. Why has nobody even mentioned her? Even Mercedes got a brief mention in episode one. Maybe this means she’ll make a surprise appearance sooner rather than later?

    Don’t shoot me, but I kind of like the thought of Brittany with Sam . . . only because I think that as funny as she is, Brit is a pretty ridiculous character who the writers treat like an intellectually disabled child. IMO Santana can do much better and now that she’s sans closet I want to see her with someone new.

    P.S. Riese, I’m intrigued behind the song choice of ‘City Girl’ for Rach and Quinn…

  16. well I thought this episode was kind of boring. I’m expecting Brittany to get with Sam, it just makes sense. I never thought she really loved Santana, she just wants a friend and someone to watch out for her. I’d like to see Santana try and navigate dating new people, but she already doesn’t get any screen time, so I don’t think it would go up after she lost a connection to the main group. unless… she moved to new york! Santana is really the only character I care about outside of the group as a whole.

    where did the funny alt texts go? I always hover my mouse over the pics, even though I’m so rarely rewarded.

    • I’m just really worried about if Brittany dates a guy, it’s going to be used as some way to act like her bisexuality isn’t real at all. I mean, they’ve consistently refused to refer to her as “bisexual” (using terms like “bicurious” instead) and acted like somehow the fact that she identifies as bi rather than gay means she’s magically immune to homophobic bullying even when she’s in a RELATIONSHIP with another girl and the whole school knows.

      I also think looking back to, say, early Season 2, it’s hard to say Brittany didn’t have feelings for Santana. I just think the show wasn’t very good at following up on them. That’s just my interpretation though! Glee is all over the place, I think any interpretation is valid.

  17. Maybe I’m just blinded by Lea Michele’s legs/hair/everything but I like the NYC half of this season a lot so far. Yeah, much of it is completely ridiculous, but I like it anyway. I think I’m easily amused. Like, SJP singing was pretty bad, but the fact that she was singing from Annie made me LOL.

    Also this season is making me realize more and more how much I love Rachel Berry/Lea Michele. I could watch her running around various NYC landmarks in those little shorts while singing mediocre pop songs for 42 minutes and be perfectly entertained. I also vote that every episode contain a Rachel Berry domestic mishap, b/c her pouring the wine into the glass before throwing it onto the fire was priceless.

    • I would watch a show where Rachel/Lea just ran around singing and attempting to cook things all the time. Why is that not an option for my TV? Eventually my remote control will be advanced enough to punch a few buttons and say “just give me this show.” Quinn would be in there, too, though. She could just be sitting at the table enjoying the glass of wine while Rachel sang to her.

      And I loved the SJP song too – I just wish they hadn’t tried to shoehorn that into a plot. Why couldn’t SJP just invite Kurt to check out the Vogue closet because of fun?

      Since they don’t ever actually make sense, I wish they would just not bother to try.

  18. also riese’s ideas for theme’s were excellent, someone tell ryan murphy.

    also I find brody insanely boring. I’ve never been a big faberry shipper, but I have to say quinn seems like the only interesting possible relationship choice left for rachel, outside of introducing new characters, which can be hard.

    • But at least Brody is good-looking enough that you can sort of see him as being a boring but hot dude that she just has a temporary fling with and dumps when she gets bored of him.

      Finn? Yeah…not so much. Or at least, I don’t understand the sex appeal of oversized potato sacks but, whatever Rachel, you do you?

    • The Faberrys singing somewhere out there is my absolute favorite of all of Riese’s theme ideas. Send it to Ryan Murphy immediately so he can pass it off as a stupid girl idea and get back to the mens doing mansplainy things on the show I refuse to even hate watch any more. However.

      I dare anyone to watch this and not cry.

      So who is Fievel and who is Tanya? My vote is for Quinn as Tanya.

  19. I am apparently alone in this, but I felt like there was something a little sexist about SJP’s character. She’s an experienced, talented women with a great job, and yet she has to lean heavily on an 18 year old intern for emotional support? She is such a push over that she doesn’t even reprimand Kurt for breaking into the couture vault without permission? There is, of course, nothing wrong with having flawed female characters. Every character needs some flaws in order to be remotely interesting (see Brody and Marley). However, there seems to be a pattern on Glee of female characters being pathetic and/or mentally unstable (Emma, Coach Beist, Quinn, Cassandra July, Isabelle Wright, Brittney, even Rachel at times) in a way that the male characters are not.

  20. ok, peeps, you gotta help me out on this:

    i’m 100% certain i’ve seen her before somewhere…

    and in relevant news: WHEN IS SANTANA FINALLY COMING BACK?!?! i swear, i am not watching glee again till she shows up. and no, reading AE’s recaps is not cheating.

  21. I don’t watch this show, but I wouldn’t miss a Riese recap, for THAT IS HOW ALL THIS BEGAN.
    And Riese! You didn’t disappoint!
    I recommend Kaiser, will set you back about $250-300 a month. YOU MUST USE NEW BUDGET AND GET INSURANCE DO YOU HEAR ME RIESE.
    Sorry for caps, but we want you and yours to be taken care of!

  22. I couldn’t stop giggling at the picture of Carrie Bradshaw, ’cause it just reminded me of ‘pretty fucking feminine!’ from a scene from one of my favourite sitcom’s Smack The Pony.

    You’ll understand when you see this 😉

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