For Your Consideration: 30 Slightly Unhinged Post-Breakup Activities That Aren’t Actually That Bad

for your consideration

Welcome to For Your Consideration, a series about things we love and love to do — and we’d like to give you permission to embrace your authentic self and love them too.

1. Collect bottle caps like you did when you were 12.

2. Bleach your hair. Duh.

3. Get really into face masks.

4. Suddenly start using Instagram stories way more frequently.

5. Throw things at other things — but in a safe, purposeful, socially acceptable way. Horseshoes, bowling, darts, corn hole, skee-ball, etc. Anger feels like the least productive emotion, but you’re feeling a lot of it. Throwing things can be nice.

6. Develop a new hobby or two or seven. Preferably something with your hands. Because your hands hold onto so much that isn’t even there anymore, and when they’re still, you start to feel out of order, submerged. If you keep them moving, if you jolt yourself from being too still for too long, it’s easier to stay afloat. There’s no better time than now to learn how to knit or weld or watercolor. Haven’t you always wanted to garden?

7. Go on a 72-hour bender of playing the Sims. Delete the game when you accidentally make your characters break up with each other.

8. Start cooking again but make chaotic meals like lasagna for breakfast and a Virginia-style peanut pie for dinner.

When you can’t decide between steak and clams one night at the fancy grocery store, buy both. Make a ridiculous dinner-for-one:

Rub the ribeye with salt and pepper and garlic powder and sear it on both sides for under a minute before throwing the cast iron in the oven for another eight.

Wash the outsides of the shelled littlenecks and arrange them in a shallow pan with melted butter and chopped garlic and some of the white wine you’re also drinking. Turn up the heat and put a lid on top and wait for the steam to make them open up their mouths.

Throw broccoli and bok choy in the oven with some lemon and sesame oil and garlic. Cook until charred.

It’s an elaborate dinner that all takes less than 30 minutes to make. It’s perfect. Eat every last bite in bed.

9. Download two different astrology apps and throw your phone across the room when one tells you something you’re not ready to hear.

10. Watch so much goddamn reality television that the seams of reality start to unravel.

11. Re-read Bluets by Maggie Nelson over and over and over. It is the perfect breakup book, and when you dye your hair blue it isn’t technically because of it, but it also maybe is just a little bit. Start seeing blue everywhere, the temporary side effect of reading this book always. But it’s nice this time, because it means a little break from the latest repeated image you can’t seem to escape: seeing her name everywhere — you know, the other girl’s. Could it really pop up that often? (It can.)

Maybe obsessing over the color blue for a bit will help you stop obsessing over that number, too, the number you never knew and never will. Why does it bother you so much? Not knowing how many times they fucked? Why did you ask so many times? That number wouldn’t change anything, wouldn’t matter at all. But you hate not knowing it.

Re-read Bluets exactly three times and then put it back on the shelf where it belongs.

12. Re-organize your bookshelves.

13. Cross a very important item off of your bucket list: making out with someone while “Everywhere” by Michelle Branch plays.

14. Smell. Everything. It will be a very long time before you stop associating certain smells with her, you think. It may take approximately forever, you’re told. But in the beginning it’s too much. It’s all the time. It’s every goddamn smell. Well, if “smells, like music, hold memories,” like Arundhati Roy writes in God Of Small Things, then you’re just going to overwhelm your scent glands with so much smell-noise that maybe just maybe you can rewire something.

Cook with even more garlic than usual — an impossible amount. She used to tell you the spot behind your ears smelled like garlic because you spent so much time engulfed in it in the kitchen.

Place a sunflower on your windowsill and smell it in the morning.

Dab tea tree oil behind your ears. But not too much, because it dries the skin, leaves it feeling abrasive in a way you kind of like but also probably isn’t good for skin. (Despite all those face masks you’re doing, you have no idea what you’re talking about when it comes to skincare.) She used to always have tea tree oil-laced toothpicks in her mouth when you first met her, would chew them down into a gummy mash and then spit them out. She stopped when they started hurting her teeth, and you missed their taste for a bit.

15. Try every kind of dumb, fancy bottled cold brew drink at your grocery store.

16. Make a map of all the places you’ve cried in the city. You’re bad at drawing maps and always have been. You remember in elementary school when you had to make a map of your neighborhood and you couldn’t quite grasp the concept of a consistent scale, placing your house way too close to Stacy’s house and the field too far away.

Your map is equally fucked up this time, and that’s okay. It’s a shitty map to commemorate a shitty thing. Sometimes, you have to commemorate the bad stuff because it’s not like your brain will let you forget anyway.

17. Make bad art, but make good art, too.

18. Reinvent your sense of personal style approximately every two weeks.

19. Post photos of yourself on Instagram and only photos of yourself. Flood your feed with selfies. You never thought you’d be the kind of person who only posts themselves, but here you are.

Someone tells you that the first thing that gets better in the wake of a breakup fueled by infidelity is your self-confidence. It’s the first thing to come back, they tell you. (Trust, meanwhile, will take forever.) And you want to believe it, but you aren’t quite sure. So take selfie after selfie after selfie and shamelessly crave attention from everyone because the one person you want it from won’t give it to you.

Eventually, you really will just be doing it for you.

20. Train to become a dungeon master for Dungeons & Dragons and rope a few friends who have never played before into becoming your players. Eventually. Because it will take some time to read the 300+ page book on how to get started as a dungeon master, and you want to get this right, because you want to get everything right. You hate when things go wrong, even when it’s not your fault that they do. (But somehow, you always think it’s your fault.)

It turns out you have to draw maps for this shit, too.

Build a whole world. Spend hours on it. Too many hours. Put so much time into planning to play Dungeons & Dragons that it becomes unclear if you’ll ever actually play. (You will. In time.) There’s nothing wrong with being thorough. There’s nothing wrong with replacing the bad obsessive thoughts with good ones, with playful, fantastical ones that remind you what it was like to build whole worlds as a kid, to learn a new game and struggle at it happily.

21. Quote a T*ylor Sw*ft lyric in a sext and then immediately regret it.

22. Build a table?

23. Go to the same museum once a week every week for a couple months. You don’t even need to look intently at everything every time. Sometimes, you can just sit there, just let the work sort of permeate you passively like when you would jump through a cloud of body spray a very long time ago.

24. Take everything off the walls of your room and leave them blank and punctured for a few days before putting new things up. Or the old things in a new arrangement.

25. Yes, make that breakup playlist, bitch.

26. Write letters — some that you send but most that you don’t.

27. Develop one million crushes.

28. Start carrying an absurd amount of non-essential things in your bag every day. Those bottle caps. A cribbage board and cards. Several essential oils. Books you’ve already read. Smooth rocks that you can reach for when anxiety kicks in. Dried, dead flowers that you forget about and turn to dust when you’re rummaging around for your keys.

29. Tweet your drafts.

30. Move across the country. Or think about moving across the country but then realize how much you like it here, now, and start to see here in a different light. Burn that map of every place you’ve cried.

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Kayla Kumari Upadhyaya

Kayla Kumari Upadhyaya is the managing editor of Autostraddle and a lesbian writer of essays, short stories, and pop culture criticism living in Miami. She is the assistant managing editor of TriQuarterly, and her short stories appear or are forthcoming in McSweeney's Quarterly Concern, Joyland, Catapult, The Offing, and more. Some of her pop culture writing can be found at The A.V. Club, Vulture, The Cut, and others. You can follow her on Twitter or Instagram and learn more about her work on her website.

Kayla has written 458 articles for us.


  1. Psychology Today lists 59 different types of therapy on their website, but inexplicably omits “Kaylaian.” I’m going to pen a sternly worded letter to the editor to rectify this grievous oversight.

    • I’ve gotten into water coloring and I gotta say it’s a wonderful hobby!!! Especially if you have a little travel kit and brush and just pop it out anywhere. Wait I might actually pitch a fit your consideration about it…would that be chill? Especially during the summer it’s SUCH a nice hobby for sitting outside.

  2. I joined a daily photo group on Facebook post break up and got to know a load of people and one of them in the year I joined started hosting an annual party in Cornwall, so so this June will be my 5th party/holiday in Cornwall. Which I enjoyed even though I am an introvert.

  3. Did you know that according to the Guinness Book of World Records, Pol Poulsen of Denmark holds the world record for largest bottle cap collection, with more than 101,700 unique bottle caps from around the world?

    • I’m sure its actually something from Bad Reputation but I desperately want it to be a lyric from love story. If someone ever sexted me ” You’ll be the prince and I’ll be the princess
      It’s a love story, baby just say yes” I’d either block her forever or marry her, there’s no inbetween.

  4. A lot of these ideas are good for breaking up the monotony of daily life sometimes… The chaotic meals is definitely something I do every so often!

    For me, breakups involve listening to really sad or emo music on repeat. I let myself wallow in the misery for a little while, and it feels good in a cathartic kind of way. Then I start trying to force myself to move on in different ways, and it eventually works.

    Sending some <3s out there to all y'all! (and adding to the comments heheh)

    • Totally agree re: breaking the monotony of daily life! I’m reminded of a tumblr post that goes, “Do you ever cycle through the same 4 apps on your phone over and over again and feel like a tiger pacing its cage at the zoo? If you’re doing this, it is because you, like the tiger, need enrichment and variety in your life. May I suggest cramming just a whole bunch of raw hamburger into a pumpkin and rolling it around your enclosure?”

  5. I continue to love everything about this series and, for my contribution to the 100, here is my personal list of 10 totally fine break-up behaviors

    1. Start religiously attending hot yoga 2x a weekend
    2. Take a completely different, circuitous route home from hot yoga because the train passes through her neighborhood and you look super cute on the way there, but not so much on the way back. It’s fine, you have more time to read
    3. Be inspired by a FYC column to start eating lunch/dinner foods for breakfast. Realize it’s the first thing that’s worked as far as getting you out of bed in the morning
    4. Walk everywhere. Average 10 miles a day. Wear out three new pairs of shoes in six months. Fall back in love with the city.
    5. Spend what should have been your anniversary walking the length of Manhattan (it was incredible and I so highly recommend)
    6. Read back over both of your horoscopes from the months before the break-up to figure out if you should have seen it coming
    7. Venmo stalk.
    8. Listen to “Look What You Made Me Do” on repeat one for a few months. Consider “honey, I rose up from the dead, I do it all the time” as a tattoo. (I (thankfully?) changed my mind)
    9. Spontaneously drunkenly pierce your cartilage. Don’t think this through (because you’re drunk), get it on the side you sleep on. But you were struggling to sleep alone anyway, so it’s not like it makes that big of a difference.
    10. Quietly freak out when the song that played the first time you kissed her plays in the restaurant when you’re on a new first date. It’s not a popular song, you don’t think it ever got any radio play. You listened to it on repeat one for weeks after you first got together. You deeply believe in the psychic power of the radio/shuffle and have absolutely no idea what to make of this.

    Keep seeing the girl from the new first date. Read the new FYC column on your phone on the way home after meeting her for dinner three months after the night that song played and start making a joking companion list. Realize that you haven’t actually looked at your ex’s Venmo in months and don’t feel a need to check now. Realize you feel like a completely different person than you did in the months after your break up. Realize that somehow everything feels okay again and hasn’t felt not okay in a while.

    (Thank you again for everything Kayla, I truly wouldn’t be here right now if not for this column)

  6. This post is causing me inner turmoil. It’s so good I want to share it with everyone. But also isn’t it too good to share with the straight world? But maybe straight people would be less annoying if they took Kayla’s advice. But really, it’s too good to share with the straight world.

    Kayla posts are like Erin posts in that I don’t think the world outside Autostraddle is equipped to properly handle them.

  7. Oh my, the million crushes!

    Some of these things I do without any particular connection to heartbreak – reorganizing my library, writing letters (to send or not), and knitting – but I just wanted to comment on what a sense of strength this piece gave.

  8. There once was a writer named Kayla
    who sexted a lyric from Taylor,
    which she swore to relate
    if we all took the bait –
    she inspired an all-day-long gala.

    “For Your Consideration: Inspire Others to Write Poetry, Or At Least Doggerel, About You”

  9. wow………..WOW!!!!! smh!!!! ok y’all earned it!!!!!!!!!!

    sooooo the wild thing is that MICHELLE…literally guessed it on the very first try!!!!!!! the taylor swift lyric i quoted in a sext was “and I’ll do anything you say, if you say it with your hands” from the song Treacherous from taylor’s best album (imo) Red. I’M SORRY IF THIS IS ANTICLIMACTIC BUT I TRULY CANNOT BELIEVE SOMEONE GUESSED IT SO EARLY ON!!!!!

    in case u were wondering, yes, I did cite my sources in the sext.

  10. I think the only one of these I’ve done is the astrology app thing and I feel personally attacked by Co-Star every day. Also I’m now very adept at driving and crying so that map thing is gonna get complicated really quickly. But I love these ideas. Also I just post photos of my cat instead of me on Instagram now.

  11. This list is AMAZING.

    Since my recent breakup, I have built furniture, reorganized my bookshelves and closets, blasted my breakup mix (really it’s mostly all Lizzo) on repeat, started walking shelter dogs, started working out more, and began a pottery class. Hooray to post-breakup activities.

  12. “There’s no better time than now to learn how to knit” so I just wanted to tell y’all that I did, I did learn how to knit! I’ve knitted 7 socks already which is 7 more than I’ve ever knitted before in my life and I’m very pleased. I’m knitting socks like crazy now because I’ve always wanted to learn and I inherited my grandmother’s needles when my grandfather passed away and I loved them both so so much and now they are gone. Oh and also I got dumped. So you know. Tryin’ to not keep my hands still. Autostraddle remains my all-time favourite website and the only place on the internet I ever read the comments. Love you all so much!

    (Language learning is suuuper domain specific and boy, I have never spoken about knitting in English before and it sounds so silly to me, why do you guys call it “needles”?)

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