Welcome to the ninth recap of the second season of Faking It, a show about zucchini and all the fun things you can do with zucchini! Faking It comes to you from the same network that brought you my favorite television show of all time, I Want A Famous Face.
We open in Amy’s bed, the morning after what seems to have been a resplendent evening of joy and laughter, perhaps involving nudity, scissoring, fisting, finger-blasting, clam-diving and square dancing.
Reagan points out that although it’s a good morning, this morning’s got nothing compared to last night. HEY-O! Probably Amy and Reagan had microwave popcorn and orange juice from Walgreens for dinner last night, I know the feeling, it’s pretty hard to top that kind of action. Amy says last night was “educational.” At the very least it was probably an entertaining follow-up to How To Have Lesbian Sex 101.
Reagan gets up looking like she’s the visual aid for “Sexy” in the lesbian dictionary — she tosses on her gauzy white tee and badass leather jacket and says she’s catering a women’s golf invitational that very day and would Amy like to join her? But before Amy can say, “yes, I’ll attend that lesbian orgie,” she snatches her phone off the nightstand and discovers Liam’s “SHE KNOWS” text message.
Amy explains her sudden panic and nausea as a reaction to Karma reminding her of a test she’s gonna fail. Reagan tells Amy she’s a “fast learner” and should be okay. WINK WINK.
Then we FINALLY reach the location where life truly happens — the gorgeous green grounds of Hester Blue Corn Moon High School For Hashtag Hippies, where Penelope’s setting up a day-long All-School Exercise Game Civilization Social Experiment Situation that’ll probably teach everybody a lesson about how oppressed they aren’t.
Shane’s surlier than usual, and Lauren wants to know why: well, it’s ’cause Shane had to “break up with his trainer” over “different fitness philosophies” but he’s sure that his “trainer” will text him back ANY minute now to get “back together.” Lauren’s got no worries in the world ’cause last night in the SCENE THEY DIDN’T LET US SEE, Lauren told Theo she was intersex and he said “all the right things.” Yay!
Then Amy shows up, looking wrecked. You know the real tragedy here is that “the morning after the first time she had lesbian sex” has now become “the worst morning of her life.” Tragedy is about to wipe that sweet sweet scent right off her fingertips.
Amy: Have either of you seen Karma?
[Silence of Nope]
Amy: I need to find her. She knows about me and Liam.
Shane and Lauren, to Amy: She knows?
Shane and Lauren, to each other: You know?
Amy: Can we please stay focused here?
Lauren: What can we do to help?
Shane helpfully points out that at least they’re in public, so when Karma murders her bestie, there’ll be heaps of witnesses (thus guaranteeing a really boring episode of Law & Order). Lauren helpfully points out that if she was Karma, being in public wouldn’t stop her from “going all Solange in an elevator on your ass.” But before they can get too deep into Amy’s despair, Principal Penelope Delia Fisher’s music blasts across the campus-wide loudspeakers and then she takes the mike, asking “Are you ready to role-play??!” No, not THAT kind of role-play, you pervs.
She explains that today all the students will be assigned to various groups within an imaginary civilization and that this will somehow be educational. Meanwhile, Karma arrives on school grounds, looking pissed. Amy rushes over to Karma, looking panicked/wrecked. Karma asks if it’s true. Amy says “yes.”
Karma purposefully walks over to Amy — is she about to slap Amy in the face?
Karma hugs Amy and says, “I’m sorry. Sorry that you had to go through it alone.”
Amy is confused. SO ARE WE.
Cut to the girls standing in line for their Hesteria assignments. Karma’s basically decided that the whole thing is Liam’s fault, because Amy would never betray her like that, RIGHT AMY?
Karma: Amy, this isn’t your fault. The only person to blame here is Liam fucking Booker. He took advantage of you the one time you were the most vulnerable!
Amy says she wanted to tell Karma sooner but —
Karma: Liam forced you not to! I knew it. He’s such a master manipulating monster, I can’t believe it took me this long to see it.
Before Amy can get a word in, they reach the front of the line and are assigned districts. Amy’s a Cloudspinner — they’re in charge and their word is law. So basically she’s a cis het white guy. Karma’s a Raindweller. Raindwellers serve the Cloudspinners, so basically she’s everybody else. Also, each Cloudspinner gets their own personal Raindweller slave! Amy insists that Penelope let her and Karma switch roles because DUH AMY IS TOTALLY A BOTTOM. No I think it’s ’cause the idea of Karma “serving” her on a day when Karma should be yelling at her makes Amy’s stomach hurt even more than it already does.
Elsewhere in the line-up, Liam is telling Shane that he just wants Karma to know that it meant nothing when he had sex with Amy. He was heartbroken and made a big fat mistake, that’s all! But Shane’s more worried about what Karma’s gonna do to Amy — until they cast their eyes cross-campus and spot Karma helping Amy put on her Splash Mountain poncho. “If Karma forgave Amy, maybe she’ll forgive me too,” opines Liam’s hair products.
Penelope assigns Liam and Shane to Team Mudmover, “scum of the earth, basically.”
Liam: Sounds about right.
Meanwhile, Lauren’s furious about being assigned to Team Mudmover and is even MORE furious when she spots her man — who’s been assigned to the Firedancer Police Squad — playing with a girl named Brandy and a giant phallic object. Brandy’s really pretty and tells Lauren that she and Theo are gonna go splitsies on a pot brownie.
Lauren says Theo’s not a stoner loser burnout like Brandy and will obviously take Lauren up on her offer for him to switch outfits with Leila and therefore become a Mudmover who can hang out with Lauren all day, but Theo says he’s gonna stick with his assignment. DUM DUM DUM.
Liam catches up with Karma and Amy but Karma’s not having it — she tells him to stay FAR AWAY from her and Amy.
Then she uses her CLOUDSPINNER POWERS to get the Firebrandspinstars to remove Liam from the premises. Liam is warned that should any Cloudspinner suffer a Nerf gun related injury by his hands this fine day, he’ll be sent to the basement to watch abstinence films all afternoon, as mandated by the state of Texas.
So Liam retires to a nice outdoor table, where he can text Karma over and over and over again.
Liam: Karma can’t ignore me forever, if I keep up my texting barrage, she’ll have to respond eventually.
Shane: You know, maybe she’s not getting your texts. None of my texts seem to be coming through either! I’m thinking there’s a sun flare?
Well the only sun flare around here is Amy the Raincloudbubble, who, on Karma’s orders, has arrived to decree that all Mud-movers must give up their phones because some of them can’t control their “TEXT-ual impulses.” GET IT? Liam’s livid that Amy’s been forgiven and he’s still in the doghouse.
Liam: Why is Karma forgiving you and blaming me? What did you tell her?
Amy: I’m not the one who’s been saying things I shouldn’t. You swore you’d never tell.
Liam: I’m sorry I broke that promise. But this isn’t fair. We both wanted to hurt Karma that night, and you know it. You’re letting me take the fall. I thought you had more integrity than that.
This’s fair, but Karma’s also sporting a really fucked-up method of conflict resolution by not pressing Amy for answers but feeding them to her instead. Lauren’s also unhappy this afternoon, and gets in a tiff with Brandy about whether or not Theo prefers “brownie” or “blondie.” Lauren Head Bitch In Charge cannot abide this slow-moving conflict.
Lauren, incensed, hits up the boys for backup.
Lauren: We need to break into the Cloudspinner’s Lair. Liam, you need your phone so you can talk to Karma. Shane, you need your phone so you can stare at it pathetically until Duke texts, and I need to keep Theo away from that slutface stoner.
What’s the plan, stan? Well, Lauren suggests a Trojan horse situation, but reasons the Cloudbangers will see that coming a mile away — until she realizes that she’s the only person in her English class who’s been keeping up with The Iliad this semester.
Shane: I was gonna skim it.
Well, well, well, then. TROJAN HORSE IT IS.
Cut to aforementioned lair, where a bunch of lost-looking teenagers in cheap ponchos are serving cocktail shrimp to the whites while grown children with Nerf Guns stand in solemn rows, protecting their overlords. So, basically this is the U.S. Government.
Karma’s scheming how she can get this entire civilization involved in her personal vendetta, so, again: perfect metaphor for our actual civilization. Bravo, Penelope! Amy implores Karma to consider a compassionate approach ’cause they could’ve easily been born Mudmovers themselves, but Karma’s uninterested in immigration reform.
Then Amy ONCE AGAIN tells Karma she’s got something to tell her but then wimps out, instead ending a sentence that was supposed to be about hiding Liam’s salami into a sentence about how she’s gonna go get Karma a Diet Root Beer. Then, over at the snack table, Amy hears about rumblings of a revolution from a fellow Cloudsparklepony.
Amy: It’s just a stupid game, right?
Vashti: That’s what they said about the Stanford prison experiment.
Amy: What’s that? It sounds like a bad jam band.
The Mudmovers have been planning a revolution of their own, however, as they suddenly roll up into the Lair with a gift offering to their hoodie-wearing overlords.
It’s an ice cream truck! Lisbeth’s thrilled by the prospect of Choco Tacos but Karma’s still furious about Liam’s beef in Amy’s taco.
Shane and Lauren then emerge from the body of the ice cream truck, nab Nerf Guns from slacking Firepolicedancerdeers, and make demands. Namely, they want their cell phones back. Before Karma can throw all of them in jail on misdemeanor drug violations, Liam emerges from the bowels of the confectionary to talk about his feelings in front of the whole school!
Liam: We were heartbroken and angry and really really drunk, we both wanted to hurt you in the worst way possible. Amy, back me up —
Amy: Karma —
Karma: YOU LEAVE HER OUT OF THIS.
Amy looks awkward, Karma looks ragey.
Liam: There’s no excuse I can give you, I know that. But you made me feel things that I’ve never felt before—
Karma: Oh, so now it’s my fault for giving Liam Booker feelings?
Liam: No, it’s OUR fault, we did this. Amy, Amy tell her!
Karma: STOP SAYING “WE.”
Liam: I get that you’ll never forgive me but I just need you to know that I loved you. No — I LOVE you.
Karma gets a little teary but snaps out of it, telling Liam to go to hell. But by “hell” she means Abstinence Video World.
Liam: Fine, I’ll go to hell, if that’s what you want.
He totally stole that line out of the Jordan Catalano / Brian Krakow Playbook, but WHATEVER. Karma nails him with a nerf bullet.
“I can’t believe he tried to take you down with him,” says a frustrated Karma. Amy says nothing. I’m actually surprised that Karma’s choosing Amy over Liam — but how much of this is First Day Theatrics, that high-on-anger way that you act when you’ve just been handed the Worst Surprise Ever and want to throw a bunch of plates at a building? Will she feel better about it in a few days or weeks? Obviously she’s got a right to be livid, but these are still her two biggest fans, and they were trashed and heartbroken and sometimes shit just happens.
Back on the luxurious sunny grounds of this strange school, revolution is in the air and the walls have been plastered with Liam Booker posters.
Karma: Shane turned Liam into a martyr like he’s a fucking Mockingjay or something!
Amy: Really? I’m getting more of an Obama hopey-changey vibe.
Karma: We’re gonna expose him Liam Booker for what he really is.
Amy: Which is what, a werwolf?
No, I’m pretty sure that THIS is what Liam Booker really is:
JUST KIDDING! THIS is who Liam Booker really is:
Karma divulges to Amy that Liam’s family owns Skorkle — which Amy obviously already knew — and that she’ll use this info to humiliate Liam ’til he’s forced to transfer schools! Amy’s finally found her voice and is using it to tell Karma that this is a really really terrible idea. Undeterred, Karma demands Amy tell Penelope she’s holding an assembly in the cafeteria.
Lauren’s still on her anti-Brandy trip, which’d obviously be a set-up for “The Boy Is Mine” if this was Glee, but it isn’t, praise Lesbian Jesus.
Lauren wants to know if Theo ate Brandy’s brownie and if he’s pulling away ’cause she told him about being intersex. He denies the charges:
Theo: I meant what I said last night, I don’t care that you were born a little different. I think you’re the strongest sexiest most amazing girl I’ve ever met. No matter what happens, nothing will change that.
Lauren: Then why does it always feel like you’re pulling away? I feel like I’m going crazy!
Theo: There’s something that you need to know, I wanted to tell you earlier but I couldn’t —
But before he can get into it, Penelope announces that everybody’s gotta get their asses to the cafeteria for an assembly! It’s probably a pep rally for the Dylan Panthers, or else another opportunity for Karma to make herself even less popular than she was in the pilot.
The revolution continues indoors, where Shane’s holding a rally in the cafeteria:
Shane: Remember Liam. Never forget! He died for our phones!
The Mudmovers have gathered into an angry mob and are chanting for the triumph and release of their #1 false idol, Liam Booker.
Karma’s got her own story to tell about a man who ISN’T WHO THEY THINK HE IS. She’s got her own megaphone and her own table to stand on top of, which she does, launching into a rant about how their Fearless Anti-Skorkle Leader is really a —
BUT BEFORE SHE CAN SPILL THE SEED, Amy murders Karma with a Nerf gun!
Karma: Amy, did you just kill me?
Amy: It was for your own good! Now you have to stop talking and go to the basement!
Then the Fireballs kill Amy for being a traitor. THAT’S RIGHT JUDAS GO TO THE BASEMENT AND LEARN ABOUT V.D!
All eyes are back on Shane, who has some more complaints to register:
Shane: They made us wear these brown sacks and they took our phones. Who knows what important texts we’re missing!?! They can’t Nerf us all! Viva La Revolution!
Then a food fight breaks out. I hate food fights!
Down in the tombs, Karma, Liam and Amy are not enjoying a romantic film about how you should never have sex ever. I mean aren’t these kids their own Abstinence Film?
Karma’s furious at Amy for preventing her from sharing Liam’s family secrets with the entire school, and Liam’s shocked to hear that Karma was planning to tell his family secrets to the whole school. Seriously that alone would be a huge red flag for me — I wouldn’t go near that girl with a ten-foot pole if she reacted to arguments between us by breaking my trust and publicly humiliating me, even if I was the one who fucked up. I’d never trust her again, you know?
You don’t just love people for how they act in good times. You love them for how they act in the worst of times, too.
Shit’s getting dirty:
Karma: You don’t like it, go cry to your rich mommy about it.
Amy: Karma, come on, lay off, Liam’s family stuff is a lot more complicated than that —
(Moment of terrible, awful, awkward silence.)
Karma: Wait, how would YOU know?
Karma gets up, and asks if this was more than a one-time thing. It was a one-time thing, Amy tells her, and she only went to Liam’s house at all to force him to shut the fuck up about their romp in the hay. Also for the cocktail shrimp, I imagine.
Liam gets up. Liam and Amy stand before her, a front united in remorse and dismay.
Karma: So Liam wanted to tell me, but you stopped him?
Liam: Karma, it’s not like that. Amy was just trying to save you the pain.
But Amy wants to take the blame where the blame is due:
Amy: It is like that. I was selfish, I couldn’t face what I did. It was horrible. It was the worst thing I’ve ever done, the worst thing I could ever do. But you can’t blame Liam and not me. Either you forgive us both or you hate us both.
Karma: Fine. Then I hate you both.
Basically it was like this:
But a big beautiful world lives on outside this sad, educational basement — outside on the grassy knoll, the children are pleased to have finished their seemingly pointless Social Experiment Costume Party, and Shane’s disappointed to learn that the only Duke-related news accessible on his mobile device is a Skorkle alert that his ex-boyf has signed with The Chicken Devils and is growing a beard.
We then launch into an emotional two-minute montage to the song “Forgive Me,” by Austra. Liam’s in his car, pounding the steering wheel, full of regret and rage. Amy’s at school with her textbook in front of her but that textbook may as well be a blank journal, ’cause she’s not reading a damn thing.
Amy’s not reading, she’s texting. Specifically; she’s texting Karma, begging for forgiveness.
Karma throws her phone across the room, which’s like the classic and stupidest breakup move because then your life is broken AND your phone is broken. AMATEUR. Then she tears photos of Amy off her wall. Sigh.
Lauren’s sitting in the courtyard, where Theo said he’d meet her after school to tell her that thing he has to tell her. But he’s nowhere to be found.
Everybody’s secrets are out and everybody’s heart is hurting. WHAT HAPPENS NEXT?
Here’s the trailer:
After watching this episode and next week’s trailer, we basically figured out exactly what’s gonna happen next week. 10% of this hypothesis is based on one page I saw of the script for 210 (which didn’t contain any definitive information, but did contain a line that makes more sense now that I’ve seen the 210 trailer), 20% is based on what was in the trailer, and 70% of the hypothesis is based on my PSYCHIC POWERS.
SPOILER ALERT IF YOU BELIEVE IN MY PSYCHIC POWERS!!!
So, this is what we think is gonna happen next week: Theo’s an undercover cop who’s been sent to Hester to find out who’s selling drugs. Remember how Amy’s parents said their fortunes have transformed since they started selling “baked goods” and how Brandy had a pot brownie this past episode and how Theo seemed awfully interested in hanging around her? And also how he perked right up when Lauren mentioned that she took ecstasy at the club? Right, so I think he’s doing a 21 Jump Street kind of thing. So, the cops are gonna show up to arrest the Good Karma family for selling pot brownies, Karma’s gonna pull some crazy-ass shit that’ll get her arrested, and then Amy’ll try to get herself arrested so she can be locked in a cell with Karma. Meanwhile, Liam’s gonna make peace with his Dad so that his Dad will give him money to bail Karma’s family and Amy out of jail — but in exchange, Liam will agree to work for Skorkle and keep all his family secrets. We’ll see Reagan for like two minutes, and it’ll be a weird cliffhanger that will leave us unsatisfied and annoyed, yet we’ll still accept it because we’re desperate for lesbian action.
TUNE IN NEXT WEEK TO FIND OUT IF MY PREDICTIONS ARE TRUEEEEEE!!!