Welcome to the fifth recap of the second season of Faking It, a home makeover show from the network that brought you Sucker Free on MTV.

We open in the open-minded oasis of Hester High, where Karma’s confession regarding “faking lesbianism” has gone viral, even earning a mention in Principal Penelope’s morning iSkorklePad announcement:

Penelope: Remember to take the high road and give your best wishes to Karma Ashcroft, because even someone who fakes lesbianism and offends an entire persecuted minority deserves a happy 16th birthday.

Do they though. Do they really.

Now I know TWO secrets. Amy got dissed… and Karma got kissed! -A

Everybody gives Karma the evil eye as she chats up Amy via mobile, who’s having a Sick Day because of strep throat but is somehow dressed with jewelry on and her hair done, which puts her ten steps ahead of me on my Well Days.

Just brown rice? Really? But it’s your birthday, you really should spring for the sweet and sour chicken

Karma’s struggling to keep up with Amy’s adorable chatter regarding future milestone birthdays because Liam Booker exists in her immediate vicinity and gave her a birthday card sealed in her locker like The Secret. But, before they can spend too long having eyeball sex or Karma can open her Birthday Card, Amy shows up! SHE WASN’T SICK AFTER ALL! She’s just planning the most epic birthday scavenger hunt ever featuring all the best moments of their friendship and lovingly entitled “A KARMY RETROSPECTIVE.”

I JUST SWITCHED TO OB TAMPONS!

I bet it’ll involve lots of processed carbohydrates, vomiting, and Twilight. Hopefully it’ll end with Amy faking her death and hiding a bunch of golf clubs in her husband’s sister’s barn.

Amy: What’s up with the longing Liam looks? I thought you two were through.
Karma: Oh, we are! Completely dunzo. Trust me.

Although Karma’s worried about becoming social pariahs again, Amy isn’t, because all she needs in this life of sin is her and her best friend. She hands Karma her first clue, and Karma unconvincingly fakes being excited about it when all she really wants to do is dry hump Liam in the science room.

Here, it’s poison

Cut to the Aggressive Art Room, where Liam’s pounding a hammer against a surface and Shane’s trying to convince him to talk it out. Then Theo shows up to invite the kiddos to his Mixed Martial Arts Class, which unfortunately is not about wedding crafts.

For the LAST TIME I’m not getting a plaster mold of my butt to sell on ebay

Shane: Nice try, Theo, but what Liam needs is to talk it all out over some grilled cheeses at Millie’s Diner.
Theo: What is this, The View?
Liam: I’m sorry but that class is just what the doctor ordered.
Shane: You’re not the doctor, you’re the patient, you can’t prescribe your own medicine.
Theo: Wow, you really think you know what’s best for everybody, don’t you?
Shane: It’s a gift.

Liam wants to punch someone in the face so SEE YA.

While exiting the Art Expression Room, Shane crashes smack into Lauren, who’s been snooping as per ushe due to her hot burning crush on Theo. Shane ships it:

Shane: A high-maintenance time-consuming girlfriend is exactly what Theo needs.

I mean, I’m not like OPPOSED to anal fisting, but it wouldn’t be #1 on my list of favorite sexual activities

Cut to to Karma’s room, which Amy has filled with balls from Chuckie Cheeses or McDonalds Playland or something to recreate where they met as young toddlers full of life and hope and candy necklaces.

NOBODY KNOWS I’M MASTURBATING!!!

Karma’s super into this thematic extravaganza, but not when she learns her next clue is on one of these ten thousand balls. Now she’s gonna have to rub her whole face in a bunch of balls ’til she finds the right one, which is good practice for dating. With Amy turned the other way, Karma tries to snatch Liam’s card out of Amy’s bag but Amy catches her in the act.

What if this was a re-enactment of the scene where Alice touches Dana’s butt and then they have wild foodsex

Karma insists the card’s from Erma the Lunchlady, but it’s pretty clear that Amy knows better. Amy reminds her that cards and presents are post-cake activities so Amy’s hanging on to it until then, because we’re all twelve.

Back at Mixed Martial Arts, Lauren and Shane show up ready to whack off and bust some balls and punch some lights out and expand their muscles and tendons and bones and stuff.

Ok ok whoa why didn’t anyone tell us that people only come here at all because they have a Groupon

Shane says he senses chemistry between Theo and Lauren, but Theo tells Shane to butt out. Speaking of butts:

Shane: I was wrong about one thing, this class isn’t too straight, it’s the gayest thing I’ve ever seen.

Yes, I got these underpants at Target. Next question?

Back in the Mature Friendship Corner, Karma and Amy have just painted ceramic unicorns and snuck into a PG-13 movie, and Karma’s clearly Over It and being pretty rude. Amy keeps trying to keep spirits high and keep the plan in motion, but it’s clear she’s frustrated by Karma’s apparent desire to be anywhere but where she is.

I know you know that I love sticking foreign objects up my butt during sex but this unicorn horn was truly something special.

The next stop on Karma’s Magical Birthday Mystical Tour is a tea leaf reading from good ‘ol Aunt Sage, who’s come all the way to Austin just for Karma’s sweet sixteen! Molly’s thrilled. Karma’s ravenously obsessed with getting her hands on Liam’s birthday card and rolls her eyes when acknowledging Aunt Sage’s Tea Reading is a throwback to her Sweet Thirteen.

Now “Aunt” Sage, tell the class how many fingers you fit inside my vagina last night

Five!

FIVE! Can you believe it? On her first time!

Welp, that’s the last time we ask your mother how she’s doing today

Karma chugs her tea.

Aunt Sage: It appears the universe has a very important message for you about your one true love.
Karma: Well tell the universe I can’t wait to find out what it says!
Aunt Sage: NOT SO FAST! A force is trying to keep the message from you, standing between you and your love.
Molly: Well what could it be, they’re sitting right next to each other!
Aunt Sage: Whatever it is, act now! Before it’s too late!

In a hot panic, Karma rushes to the bathroom, snatching Amy’s jacket to help with the “draft” and cursing the heavens when her Love Note From Liam’s not in there anymore. Amy then strolls around the corner and catches Karma in the act. Amy’s like, I doubt that the card says anything more than “Happy Birthday,” but Karma says they have to retrace their steps until they find the letter because the lunch lady has a poet’s soul.

Just check my teeth for tea leaves okay. JUST CHECK THEM.

Back at the Martial Arts Fun Fair, Liam’s not having fun ’cause they’re just tossing balls around instead of punching people in the face. Shane’s having fun because he’s certain that he recognizes Duke, the super famous MMA instructor, from Grindr. Shane has a photographic memory for abs, like how I have a photographic memory for which Yogurtland has the freshest bananas.

Stand still for a moment while I extract your organs with my fingertips

Theo insists Duke can’t possibly be gay ’cause he’s got a reputation for being a “hound dog” who likes “pussy cats, not the rooster.” Theo and Shane put $50 on the accuracy of Shane’s gaydar. Then Theo and Lauren throw balls at each other. Theo’s impressed by Lauren’s strong pitching arm, commenting that there’s more to Lauren than her “dainty and feminine” presentation. Lauren panics that Theo’s referencing Lauren being intersex and flees the scene.

How DARE you compare me to Quinn Fabray, I’d NEVER text and drive

Back in Karma’s bedroom, she’s crawling through the balls like a ravenous beast in a lilac dress Jenna Von Oy sold on eBay in the Blossom Memorabilia corner. Amy’s like, well, why don’t we just call Erma and ask her what it said? Karma’s surprised Amy has Irma’s number but Amy reminds her that before last season, Erma was their only friend. GOTCHA. I wish they were calling my Grandma, Erma Jean, because Erma Jean would talk some sense into these girls right quick.

Karma for the last time these aren’t giant bath beads and soaking your hands in them won’t give you softer skin

Hence, Karma must admit the letter was from Liam, and Amy must admit she’s known all along and has been using it as a butt warmer.

Karma: You had it? I can’t believe you kept this from me.
Amy: Well, now you know how it feels. Today was supposed to be about us, but here he is, Liam Booker, just when I thought we’d moved past all that.
Karma: Are you serious? We just spent four hours revisiting our past!

Here, take it, I think the anthrax was giving my butt a rash anyhow

Karma insist they’re not banging behind Amy’s back, as Amy suspects, and exclaims “I CHOSE YOU!”

Amy: Chose me? What the hell are you talking about?
Karma: I knew I couldn’t be with Liam and keep our friendship so I chose you.
Amy: Well, it doesn’t feel that way.
Karma: What more do I have to do to prove it to you, Amy?

Karma rips up the letter and huffs out of the room. This is not going how Amazing Amy had decided it would go two years ago when she started planning this plan, y’all.

Back at Chez Fawcett, Farrah’s shocked to find Amazing Amy looking so glum and home so early from Karma’s Birthday Scavenger Hunt! Amy admits they had a nasty quarrel.

Well, I guess I’ll just have to save this You Do You pin for her next birthday

Farrah: Was it a friends fight or a “more than friends” fight?
Amy: Mom, Karma loves guys.
Farrah: And you?
Amy: I love Karma. That’s the whole problem.
Farrah: Oh honey, I once fell for a guy who shall we say didn’t catch me. Hurt like a bitch.
Amy: How’d you get over it?
Farrah: I bought new boobs, which helped, but mainly it just took time, and I had to give up my fantasy of us being together. Want me to set up a consultation with my plastic surgeon?

Amy declines the offer. I would’ve been like YES NEW TEETH NOW PLEASE.

Oh you’re right, that IS a scary face! Well done, baby!

Back at Mixed Marital Aristry of the Riverdance, Duke is dry humping Shane while barking about chokeholds or something while Lauren’s drilling Liam on what exactly Theo knows about her secret. Liam’s not said a word. Then Lauren demands Liam flirt with her to make Theo jealous, but he refuses, insisting that lies and schemes are THE WORST.

Liam: You’re lucky that the only thing standing in the way of you and what you want is you.

That’s real.

Come on let me just see what size cock ring you wear!

Meanwhile, Duke is teaching the children how to wrestle people and also how to have gay sex. Shane is serving as his all-too-willing volunteer sparring partner.

Duke: Now when you find yourself on all fours and a guy is coming at you from behind —

No I’M the bossy bottom!

Shane tries dirty-talking Duke as they wrestle, making gay innuendo regarding Duke’s alleged grindr profile, even going so far as to pull down the corner of Duke’s pants to locate the tattoo Shane knows he has. BUT IT’S NOT THERE. Theo wins the bet!

On the backlot of Kids Incorporated, Amy and Karma have reunited for the final stop on the scavenger hunt: two dollhouses representing where Karma and Amy will live when they’re all grown up! IT’S NOT CREEPY AT ALL.

To be honest I’d always imagined myself in more of a like, by-the-lake cabin-style home, but this is a really interesting take on the proposal

Amy feels guilty for trying to manipulate the day away from Liam’s Manmeat and towards her balls and tea leaves and unicorns and dollhouses. She also says she now realizes that they probably will be living in their houses with other people, like when Amy marries one of the readers of this recap and Karma marries Oliver.

Amy: I should’ve never kept that note from you. I’ll be honest, part of me wants to keep you all to myself. But another part of me wants to see you happy. It’s a real struggle in here! The good side won out.

Amy hands Karma her last clue — it’s Liam’s note, all taped back together! Isn’t that nice. Actually she has an even bigger, more gelatinous surprise for Karma — it’s Liam himself!

Wait a second, these are the same girls I tried to have a threesome with last time. Damn you, craigslist.

Amy: Look, you two are clearly crazy about each other for whatever reason and you can’t stop your feelings any more than I can stop mine. The only thing keeping you apart is me. So I’m getting out of the way.

Amy, teary, says that if you love something, you have to set it free, and she is so sad, and Karma is so sadhappy. Now Liam and Karma can look at each other’s faceplates and smash their lips into each others lips and be happy together forever, full of feelings and tongue!

blaaaaaahhh

Lauren is like hey Theo, what’s up, do you like me, and he’s like, um, yeah, I do, except, um, what, and then Lauren is like, FUCK THIS SHIT and kisses him. YOU GO LAUREN YOU SEIZE THAT CROWN. They kiss but then Theo says he has to go but doesn’t tell her why.

Whatever Lola wants, Lola gets

I think I know why but that’s only ’cause I already read like three pages of the finale script so I’m gonna keep it to myself.

Back at Chez Fawcett, Amy is sitting on her couch doing nothing, which’s totally unrealistic, she would be drinking Fireball out of a coffee mug, watching the Shane/Cherie scene from the Season One finale, reading the Best Breakup Advice You’ll Ever Get and crying softly into a bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Then Karma shows up and says there’s only 15 minutes left in her birthday and she wants to spend them with Amy ’cause her and Liam made a date for Friday night so whatever!

C’mon admit it, you’re still looking forward to our nightly mutual masturbation ritual

There is one last present! Amy, who seemingly never has homework, spent many hours at the very same claw game at the arcade that sucked their savings dry circa age 13 and finally won the coveted Best Friends necklace!

This will totally match my nipple clamps!

It’s actually really sweet. But how do they move on from this, you know? How can Amy recover from having to fess up that she wanted her feelings for Karma to stop Karma and Liam from being together? Regardless of sexual orientation, that is some awkward shit for friends to go through.

Outside the MMA Fighting Workshop, Shane apologizes to Duke for mistaking him for that guy on the sex app.

I mean, just between you and me, MMA is fine but I’ve always dreamed of being a milkman

Shane: I just wanted to apologize, you know, what I did was uncalled for.
Duke: You know even if I was gay, what you did was completely out of line.
Shane: You’re right, you’re so totally right.
Duke: So are you.

Duke then pulls down the other side of his pants, revealing the secret dragon tattoo that unlocks the kingdom to his homosexuality — “the bathroom mirror flipped the image.” So Shane WAS right, he did recognize Duke from the app.

What can I say, I was 18 and I loved opium

Duke isn’t out, though, so they’ll have to keep this secret a secret. But when Duke goes in for the makeout, Shane recoils, insisting that he can’t date people are in the closet. Duke’s like, we are not gonna date, I’m just gonna blow you! And then he does, and SCENE.

What a happy ending!

Next week, an all-girl band will be singing boy-band classics, so that’s something. Hopefully it will end what is now a three-episode losing streak for this particular program.

http://youtu.be/wMK15zSRxw4

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