Back in Karma’s bedroom, she’s crawling through the balls like a ravenous beast in a lilac dress Jenna Von Oy sold on eBay in the Blossom Memorabilia corner. Amy’s like, well, why don’t we just call Erma and ask her what it said? Karma’s surprised Amy has Irma’s number but Amy reminds her that before last season, Erma was their only friend. GOTCHA. I wish they were calling my Grandma, Erma Jean, because Erma Jean would talk some sense into these girls right quick.
Hence, Karma must admit the letter was from Liam, and Amy must admit she’s known all along and has been using it as a butt warmer.
Karma: You had it? I can’t believe you kept this from me.
Amy: Well, now you know how it feels. Today was supposed to be about us, but here he is, Liam Booker, just when I thought we’d moved past all that.
Karma: Are you serious? We just spent four hours revisiting our past!
Karma insist they’re not banging behind Amy’s back, as Amy suspects, and exclaims “I CHOSE YOU!”
Amy: Chose me? What the hell are you talking about?
Karma: I knew I couldn’t be with Liam and keep our friendship so I chose you.
Amy: Well, it doesn’t feel that way.
Karma: What more do I have to do to prove it to you, Amy?
Karma rips up the letter and huffs out of the room. This is not going how Amazing Amy had decided it would go two years ago when she started planning this plan, y’all.
Back at Chez Fawcett, Farrah’s shocked to find Amazing Amy looking so glum and home so early from Karma’s Birthday Scavenger Hunt! Amy admits they had a nasty quarrel.
Farrah: Was it a friends fight or a “more than friends” fight?
Amy: Mom, Karma loves guys.
Farrah: And you?
Amy: I love Karma. That’s the whole problem.
Farrah: Oh honey, I once fell for a guy who shall we say didn’t catch me. Hurt like a bitch.
Amy: How’d you get over it?
Farrah: I bought new boobs, which helped, but mainly it just took time, and I had to give up my fantasy of us being together. Want me to set up a consultation with my plastic surgeon?
Amy declines the offer. I would’ve been like YES NEW TEETH NOW PLEASE.
Back at Mixed Marital Aristry of the Riverdance, Duke is dry humping Shane while barking about chokeholds or something while Lauren’s drilling Liam on what exactly Theo knows about her secret. Liam’s not said a word. Then Lauren demands Liam flirt with her to make Theo jealous, but he refuses, insisting that lies and schemes are THE WORST.
Liam: You’re lucky that the only thing standing in the way of you and what you want is you.
Meanwhile, Duke is teaching the children how to wrestle people and also how to have gay sex. Shane is serving as his all-too-willing volunteer sparring partner.
Duke: Now when you find yourself on all fours and a guy is coming at you from behind —
Shane tries dirty-talking Duke as they wrestle, making gay innuendo regarding Duke’s alleged grindr profile, even going so far as to pull down the corner of Duke’s pants to locate the tattoo Shane knows he has. BUT IT’S NOT THERE. Theo wins the bet!
On the backlot of Kids Incorporated, Amy and Karma have reunited for the final stop on the scavenger hunt: two dollhouses representing where Karma and Amy will live when they’re all grown up! IT’S NOT CREEPY AT ALL.
Amy feels guilty for trying to manipulate the day away from Liam’s Manmeat and towards her balls and tea leaves and unicorns and dollhouses. She also says she now realizes that they probably will be living in their houses with other people, like when Amy marries one of the readers of this recap and Karma marries Oliver.
Amy: I should’ve never kept that note from you. I’ll be honest, part of me wants to keep you all to myself. But another part of me wants to see you happy. It’s a real struggle in here! The good side won out.
Amy hands Karma her last clue — it’s Liam’s note, all taped back together! Isn’t that nice. Actually she has an even bigger, more gelatinous surprise for Karma — it’s Liam himself!
Amy: Look, you two are clearly crazy about each other for whatever reason and you can’t stop your feelings any more than I can stop mine. The only thing keeping you apart is me. So I’m getting out of the way.
Amy, teary, says that if you love something, you have to set it free, and she is so sad, and Karma is so sadhappy. Now Liam and Karma can look at each other’s faceplates and smash their lips into each others lips and be happy together forever, full of feelings and tongue!
Lauren is like hey Theo, what’s up, do you like me, and he’s like, um, yeah, I do, except, um, what, and then Lauren is like, FUCK THIS SHIT and kisses him. YOU GO LAUREN YOU SEIZE THAT CROWN. They kiss but then Theo says he has to go but doesn’t tell her why.
I think I know why but that’s only ’cause I already read like three pages of the finale script so I’m gonna keep it to myself.
Back at Chez Fawcett, Amy is sitting on her couch doing nothing, which’s totally unrealistic, she would be drinking Fireball out of a coffee mug, watching the Shane/Cherie scene from the Season One finale, reading the Best Breakup Advice You’ll Ever Get and crying softly into a bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Then Karma shows up and says there’s only 15 minutes left in her birthday and she wants to spend them with Amy ’cause her and Liam made a date for Friday night so whatever!
There is one last present! Amy, who seemingly never has homework, spent many hours at the very same claw game at the arcade that sucked their savings dry circa age 13 and finally won the coveted Best Friends necklace!
It’s actually really sweet. But how do they move on from this, you know? How can Amy recover from having to fess up that she wanted her feelings for Karma to stop Karma and Liam from being together? Regardless of sexual orientation, that is some awkward shit for friends to go through.
Outside the MMA Fighting Workshop, Shane apologizes to Duke for mistaking him for that guy on the sex app.
Shane: I just wanted to apologize, you know, what I did was uncalled for.
Duke: You know even if I was gay, what you did was completely out of line.
Shane: You’re right, you’re so totally right.
Duke: So are you.
Duke then pulls down the other side of his pants, revealing the secret dragon tattoo that unlocks the kingdom to his homosexuality — “the bathroom mirror flipped the image.” So Shane WAS right, he did recognize Duke from the app.
Duke isn’t out, though, so they’ll have to keep this secret a secret. But when Duke goes in for the makeout, Shane recoils, insisting that he can’t date people are in the closet. Duke’s like, we are not gonna date, I’m just gonna blow you! And then he does, and SCENE.
What a happy ending!
Next week, an all-girl band will be singing boy-band classics, so that’s something. Hopefully it will end what is now a three-episode losing streak for this particular program.