Welcome to the first recap of the second season of Faking It, a delightful and horrifying television program from the network that brought you Trailer Fabulous. Last night while I was celebrating my 33rd birthday (by hitting up the wax museum and eating things near water with my girlfriend, obvs), this show was re-birthed into our lives like a misandrist baby soaked in blood and placenta.
Well, let’s leap into the recap, shall we?
We open in a luxurious bed with sheets inspired by a Southwestern sunset, where Amy’s waking up with smudgey eye makeup, awful bedsexhead…
…and, much to their mutual surprise — a giant hunk of burning man-meat known as “Liam Booker.”
Before the twosome can begin processing the previous evening’s events, there’s a knock at the door — it’s Karma, and she wants to talk. So Amy pushes naked Liam out the window and he falls to his death JUST KIDDING. She does push him out the window though.
Karma has feelings but Amy’s in a hot panic:
Karma: I have been the worst best friend ever. I had no idea that all this time you’d been having these feelings. It must have been torture.
Amy: Yeah, it wasn’t fun, but can we talk about this later?
Karma: I am so deeply sorry, I made it all about me and my crush on some silly boy. Who, by the way, hates me for not being a real lesbian, so you two have that in common.
Amy says she doesn’t hate Karma ’cause she’s in no position to judge. After all, she played into everybody’s least favorite queer lady television trope mere hours earlier even though Karma probably didn’t read that Hollywood Reporter article about it.
Karma’s clearly desperate to smooth things over, reminding Amy that they’ll be spending the rest of their lives together and therefore they’ve gotta get some greasy breakfast into Amy’s vacant tummy STAT and discuss things but Amy is like PLEASE NOT NOW JUST LEAVE PLEASE BEFORE LIAM BLEEDS OUT
Downstairs in this impeccable home, Farrah is wearing a really serious necklace situation and Lauren, blurry-eyed from crying, is sullenly eating cereal with a sadface.
Farrah’s nervous about her impending afternoon with Nanna but is snapped out of her abstract depression when a naked Liam Booker pops up in her window, George of the Jungle style, leading Farrah to conclude that Amy fucked a boy and isn’t gay anymore!
Pro tip: fucking a boy is often the best way to confirm that you are, indeed, gay. Don’t get your hopes up, Farrah!
But it’s too late, Farrah’s so excited she’s going to come in her pants, and Lauren, who didn’t just see Liam and his penis, is confused. Also, Farrah says she’s leaving for Cancun that very evening. HONEYMOON!
Outside Chez Fawcett, Shane and Pablo are leaning against a tree with all their clothes on as Liam sneaks by without any of his clothes on.
Shane and Pablo kiss tenderly and chat about missing the sunrise when Lauren hops outside in her Strawberry Shortcake nightie and turns on the sprinklers, declaring this relationship between Shane and Pablo as “not happening.”
Pablo tells Shane that Shane’s gotta apologize to her and Shane agrees because he wants to give Pablo a beejer. You can see it in his eyes.
We then mosey over to the friendly neighborhood apothecary, where Amy’s about to become a hedonist baby-killer by taking the baby-killing pill Plan B. The “B” is for “Baby-Killing.”
Amy: Do you have anything for my guilt? I just made the biggest mistake of my life.
Pharmacist: We’re not here to judge.
Amy: I deserve to be judged. Last night I told my best friend, “I love you,” and when she rejected me, I got drunk and slept with her boyfriend! Do you think I should tell her?
Just as Amy’s about to seize her devil pills, Karma shows up! She followed Amy here so they can talk. Also, Liam is also at this apothecary? It’s a hot spot. Maybe a band is playing there later.
The pharmacist covers for Amy, stuffing the Plan B into a paper bag and passing it off as something else. She’s a good pharmacist, Amy should date her instead. But before this love connection can be made, Amy dashes, and Karma saddles up to Liam, who’s looking at ibuprofen bottles with the same awe and wonder we all approach our Advil with. I like his shirt, I hope he sells it to Buffalo Exchange when he’s done with it so I can buy it for $6.
Karma: Yes I lied about being a lesbian. But in my defense, the only reason that you noticed me is because I told you that I was one.
Liam: Why didn’t you tell me? I told you that I hate lying. Like over and over and over and over.
Karma: I was worried that if you found out the truth, you’d lose interest in me. So instead I lied, and now you’ve lost interest in me. How ironic.
Karma says she’ll stay out of his life now. FAT CHANCE.
We then zip back on over to Chez Fawcett, where Lauren’s wearing every pastel color in the universe that isn’t represented elsewhere in her bedroom and huffing away on her elliptical trainer. It’s always been my dream to have my very own elliptical trainer in my room. I’m so jealous.
Then Shane shows up to apologize for going too far and says he’s done telling other people’s secrets and therefore will be joining the cast of Pretty Little Liars JUST KIDDING Lauren says she’ll only forgive him if he does her a favor.
Shane: Is it a makeover, because I have lots of ideas!
Lauren wants Shane to ensure Tommy doesn’t spill her secret to the whole school. Luckily she’s prevented him from doing so using his wireless network by melting his phone with her flatiron! This kind of makes me love her a little bit.
We then take an exotic river cruise back to Karma’s Tranquil Retreat Room, where she’s feeling sorry for herself when her Mom shows up wanting to find out why her daughter’s so upset and why she and Amy broke up. Karma’s like, yeah um, about that… sit down.
Molly: Breakups between teenage lesbians can be especially brutal, we talk about it all the time in PFLAG.
Speaking of PFLAG, it looks like Karma’s Mom has outsed Debbie Novotny as president of PFLAG! Karma takes this as an invitation to CONTINUE LYING — how could she break her mother’s heart now that she’s become president of PFLAG? So instead of telling Molly that she’s not really a lesbian, Karma tells Molly that she just HAS to get Amy back. This is true, of course, but Karma wants to get Amy back as a friend. She should get her an A+ membership or tickets to see Britney Spears, I think.
Karma tells Molly that she can feel Amy pulling away. Molly says that her family is the expert on grand romantic gestures, like when her Dad built her a huge fire to show her the passion in his heart. In fact, that’s how Burning Man started! The more you know, kids, the more you know. So basically: go big or go home.
Later that very same day, Shane and Liam are strolling down a lovely neighborhood street chatting about love, life, hopes and dreams. Specifically, Liam says there’s no chance he could get back together with Karma and it’s all his fault, but Shane insists that it’s Karma’s fault for being a big fat selfish liar. Shane’s like, I don’t understand what you and Amy see in her besides that she has great hair, to which I say, AMEN. This takes Liam by surprise ’cause he didn’t know Amy shared his passion for Karma.
Shane: Did I say Amy? I meant Jamie Buckner, the kid with the stutter? HE thinks Karma is a-da-dorable.
Liam: You said they were faking being lesbians.
Shane: (sighs) Karma is. Amy’s so tied up in Karma she’s practically a pretzel. Apparently she told Karma that she loved her last night and Karma rejected her.
Despite Liam’s aforementioned desires to fuck a lesbian, he’s not turned on by this news but rather disturbed as he makes the connection and realizes why Amy wanted to sleep with him in the first place.
Also Shane has Tommy hogtied in his trunk LOL
Back at The Fawcetts, Farrah’s still prepping for Cancun and tells Amy she doesn’t wanna return from her trip to a crime scene, which is like COME ON MOM CAN’T WE EVER HAVE FUN? Plus, Farrah’s soooooo excited about Liam’s donkey kong that she un-grounds Amy for her “innocent dance between two best friends.”
Farrah tells Amy to “use protection” before jetting off. Amy’s like, ummmm I have a softball bat under my bed, does that count? But Farrah’s like BYEEEEE.
Amy returns to her basement with a bag of laundry and is shocked to find Tommy in a leather full-body harness with Sonic the Hedgehog shoulder pads and a gag.
Apparently, Lauren and Shane have decided to ensure Tommy’s discretion regarding Lauren’s secret by taking photos of him in glam bondage gear with the sex toys Shane’s Mom sells out of her trunk. Because the best way to blackmail somebody is by doing something illegal and taking pictures of the victim!
Amy’s like, how bad could this secret be? And Liam says that you’re only as sick as your secrets and everybody should just be honest about everything all the time!
Amy: What? Who says that? Who? The voices in your head? Tell them to shut up! [to everybody] I changed my mind. I’m on board. This is a miracle! We are all entitled to our secrets.
Amy pulls Liam into the other room to kill him JUST KIDDING to tell him to shut his trap. Liam says the guilt is killing him and Amy’s like THEN DIE ALREADY. Just kidding, but she does think he should just deal with it. She’s right — telling Karma would make him feel better at the expense of everybody else, so it’s kinda selfish.
Amy: What would it do to Karma if she found out that her soulmate slept with you?
Liam says he doesn’t have AIDS, so good news there. Also, he gave up his wonton lady-killer ways ’cause he liked Karma so much. Amy’s wondering why Liam rode the hobby horse with her if he’s so head-over-heels for Karma, but he says it’s ’cause he was drunk and pissed off.
Man y’all, for real, nothing feels worse than shit like this. You’re hungover, you did something unforgivable, you know what you did will hurt someone you care about way more than it served any purpose at all for you, and the only way you’re gonna get away with it is if you lie to them for the rest of your life. Plus on top of that you can’t even talk to the person you’d normally talk to about feelings this shitty, because she’s the one you’re lying to. OH, YOUTH, I DON’T MISS YOU ONE BIT!