Faking It Episode 201 Recap: It Wasn’t A Phase, Mother

Welcome to the first recap of the second season of Faking It, a delightful and horrifying television program from the network that brought you Trailer Fabulous. Last night while I was celebrating my 33rd birthday (by hitting up the wax museum and eating things near water with my girlfriend, obvs), this show was re-birthed into our lives like a misandrist baby soaked in blood and placenta.

Well, let’s leap into the recap, shall we?

We open in a luxurious bed with sheets inspired by a Southwestern sunset, where Amy’s waking up with smudgey eye makeup, awful bedsexhead…

…and, much to their mutual surprise — a giant hunk of burning man-meat known as “Liam Booker.”

Before the twosome can begin processing the previous evening’s events, there’s a knock at the door — it’s Karma, and she wants to talk. So Amy pushes naked Liam out the window and he falls to his death JUST KIDDING. She does push him out the window though.

Karma has feelings but Amy’s in a hot panic:

Karma: I have been the worst best friend ever. I had no idea that all this time you’d been having these feelings. It must have been torture.
Amy: Yeah, it wasn’t fun, but can we talk about this later?
Karma: I am so deeply sorry, I made it all about me and my crush on some silly boy. Who, by the way, hates me for not being a real lesbian, so you two have that in common.

Zing!

Amy says she doesn’t hate Karma ’cause she’s in no position to judge. After all, she played into everybody’s least favorite queer lady television trope mere hours earlier even though Karma probably didn’t read that Hollywood Reporter article about it.

Karma’s clearly desperate to smooth things over, reminding Amy that they’ll be spending the rest of their lives together and therefore they’ve gotta get some greasy breakfast into Amy’s vacant tummy STAT and discuss things but Amy is like PLEASE NOT NOW JUST LEAVE PLEASE BEFORE LIAM BLEEDS OUT

Downstairs in this impeccable home, Farrah is wearing a really serious necklace situation and Lauren, blurry-eyed from crying, is sullenly eating cereal with a sadface.

Farrah’s nervous about her impending afternoon with Nanna but is snapped out of her abstract depression when a naked Liam Booker pops up in her window, George of the Jungle style, leading Farrah to conclude that Amy fucked a boy and isn’t gay anymore!

Pro tip: fucking a boy is often the best way to confirm that you are, indeed, gay. Don’t get your hopes up, Farrah!

But it’s too late, Farrah’s so excited she’s going to come in her pants, and Lauren, who didn’t just see Liam and his penis, is confused. Also, Farrah says she’s leaving for Cancun that very evening. HONEYMOON!

Outside Chez Fawcett, Shane and Pablo are leaning against a tree with all their clothes on as Liam sneaks by without any of his clothes on.

Shane and Pablo kiss tenderly and chat about missing the sunrise when Lauren hops outside in her Strawberry Shortcake nightie and turns on the sprinklers, declaring this relationship between Shane and Pablo as “not happening.”

Pablo tells Shane that Shane’s gotta apologize to her and Shane agrees because he wants to give Pablo a beejer. You can see it in his eyes.

We then mosey over to the friendly neighborhood apothecary, where Amy’s about to become a hedonist baby-killer by taking the baby-killing pill Plan B. The “B” is for “Baby-Killing.”

Amy: Do you have anything for my guilt? I just made the biggest mistake of my life.
Pharmacist: We’re not here to judge.
Amy: I deserve to be judged. Last night I told my best friend, “I love you,” and when she rejected me, I got drunk and slept with her boyfriend! Do you think I should tell her?

Just as Amy’s about to seize her devil pills, Karma shows up! She followed Amy here so they can talk. Also, Liam is also at this apothecary? It’s a hot spot. Maybe a band is playing there later.

The pharmacist covers for Amy, stuffing the Plan B into a paper bag and passing it off as something else. She’s a good pharmacist, Amy should date her instead. But before this love connection can be made, Amy dashes, and Karma saddles up to Liam, who’s looking at ibuprofen bottles with the same awe and wonder we all approach our Advil with. I like his shirt, I hope he sells it to Buffalo Exchange when he’s done with it so I can buy it for $6.

Karma: Yes I lied about being a lesbian. But in my defense, the only reason that you noticed me is because I told you that I was one.
Liam: Why didn’t you tell me? I told you that I hate lying. Like over and over and over and over.
Karma: I was worried that if you found out the truth, you’d lose interest in me. So instead I lied, and now you’ve lost interest in me. How ironic.

Karma says she’ll stay out of his life now. FAT CHANCE.

We then zip back on over to Chez Fawcett, where Lauren’s wearing every pastel color in the universe that isn’t represented elsewhere in her bedroom and huffing away on her elliptical trainer. It’s always been my dream to have my very own elliptical trainer in my room. I’m so jealous.

Then Shane shows up to apologize for going too far and says he’s done telling other people’s secrets and therefore will be joining the cast of Pretty Little Liars JUST KIDDING Lauren says she’ll only forgive him if he does her a favor.

Shane: Is it a makeover, because I have lots of ideas!

Lauren wants Shane to ensure Tommy doesn’t spill her secret to the whole school. Luckily she’s prevented him from doing so using his wireless network by melting his phone with her flatiron! This kind of makes me love her a little bit.

We then take an exotic river cruise back to Karma’s Tranquil Retreat Room, where she’s feeling sorry for herself when her Mom shows up wanting to find out why her daughter’s so upset and why she and Amy broke up. Karma’s like, yeah um, about that… sit down.

Molly: Breakups between teenage lesbians can be especially brutal, we talk about it all the time in PFLAG.

Speaking of PFLAG, it looks like Karma’s Mom has outsed Debbie Novotny as president of PFLAG! Karma takes this as an invitation to CONTINUE LYING — how could she break her mother’s heart now that she’s become president of PFLAG?  So instead of telling Molly that she’s not really a lesbian, Karma tells Molly that she just HAS to get Amy back. This is true, of course, but Karma wants to get Amy back as a friend. She should get her an A+ membership or tickets to see Britney Spears, I think.

Karma tells Molly that she can feel Amy pulling away. Molly says that her family is the expert on grand romantic gestures, like when her Dad built her a huge fire to show her the passion in his heart. In fact, that’s how Burning Man started! The more you know, kids, the more you know. So basically: go big or go home.

Later that very same day, Shane and Liam are strolling down a lovely neighborhood street chatting about love, life, hopes and dreams. Specifically, Liam says there’s no chance he could get back together with Karma and it’s all his fault, but Shane insists that it’s Karma’s fault for being a big fat selfish liar. Shane’s like, I don’t understand what you and Amy see in her besides that she has great hair, to which I say, AMEN. This takes Liam by surprise ’cause he didn’t know Amy shared his passion for Karma.

Liam: Amy?
Shane: Did I say Amy? I meant Jamie Buckner, the kid with the stutter? HE thinks Karma is a-da-dorable.
Liam: You said they were faking being lesbians.
Shane: (sighs) Karma is. Amy’s so tied up in Karma she’s practically a pretzel. Apparently she told Karma that she loved her last night and Karma rejected her.

Despite Liam’s aforementioned desires to fuck a lesbian, he’s not turned on by this news but rather disturbed as he makes the connection and realizes why Amy wanted to sleep with him in the first place.

Also Shane has Tommy hogtied in his trunk LOL

Back at The Fawcetts, Farrah’s still prepping for Cancun and tells Amy she doesn’t wanna return from her trip to a crime scene, which is like COME ON MOM CAN’T WE EVER HAVE FUN? Plus, Farrah’s soooooo excited about Liam’s donkey kong that she un-grounds Amy for her “innocent dance between two best friends.”

Farrah tells Amy to “use protection” before jetting off. Amy’s like, ummmm I have a softball bat under my bed, does that count? But Farrah’s like BYEEEEE.

Amy returns to her basement with a bag of laundry and is shocked to find Tommy in a leather full-body harness with Sonic the Hedgehog shoulder pads and a gag.

Apparently, Lauren and Shane have decided to ensure Tommy’s discretion regarding Lauren’s secret by taking photos of him in glam bondage gear with the sex toys Shane’s Mom sells out of her trunk. Because the best way to blackmail somebody is by doing something illegal and taking pictures of the victim!

Amy’s like, how bad could this secret be? And Liam says that you’re only as sick as your secrets and everybody should just be honest about everything all the time!

Amy: What? Who says that? Who? The voices in your head? Tell them to shut up! [to everybody] I changed my mind. I’m on board. This is a miracle! We are all entitled to our secrets.

Amy pulls Liam into the other room to kill him JUST KIDDING to tell him to shut his trap. Liam says the guilt is killing him and Amy’s like THEN DIE ALREADY. Just kidding, but she does think he should just deal with it. She’s right — telling Karma would make him feel better at the expense of everybody else, so it’s kinda selfish.

Amy: What would it do to Karma if she found out that her soulmate slept with you?

Liam says he doesn’t have AIDS, so good news there. Also, he gave up his wonton lady-killer ways ’cause he liked Karma so much. Amy’s wondering why Liam rode the hobby horse with her if he’s so head-over-heels for Karma, but he says it’s ’cause he was drunk and pissed off.

Amy: “Same.”

Man y’all, for real, nothing feels worse than shit like this. You’re hungover, you did something unforgivable, you know what you did will hurt someone you care about way more than it served any purpose at all for you,  and the only way you’re gonna get away with it is if you lie to them for the rest of your life. Plus on top of that you can’t even talk to the person you’d normally talk to about feelings this shitty, because she’s the one you’re lying to. OH, YOUTH, I DON’T MISS YOU ONE BIT!

Before this chat can exist for one more second, Lauren and Shane interrupt.

They’re concerned because there’s a lurker on the lawn! WHO COULD IT BE?

IS IT THIS GUY?

Nope. Could it be THIS GUY?

NOPE! IT’S KARMA!!!

And she’s written a song!! Here’s how that goes:

I wrote this really nice song to see if I could make things right
I know you’ve been avoiding me but I just wanna end this fight
because you’re the salt to my pepper you’re the moon to my sun
we’re like Batman and Robin when we’re out having fun
and we’re gonna be together ’til we’re old and gray
so all I ask of you is please don’t pull away

Everybody watches, confused, until Tommy the Captive is spotted trying to make his escape across the lawn, which is quickly foiled.

Back in the temporary Sex Dungeon, Karma has arrived to declare this intense kidnapping of Tommy totally off-the-wall, but Lauren insists it’s totally innocent and VERY fine. Meanwhile, Amy’s trying to intercept Liam’s desire to speak to Karma and Tommy just wants FREEDOM, like George Michael.

But before Lauren can finish her sentence about ripping out Tommy’s tongue, a not-adequately-gagged Tommy busts out with “WHY WOULD I TELL ANYBODY THAT MY GIRLFRIEND IS A DUDE?”

Oh, this is gonna be REAL NEAT.

After going “EX-girlfriend,” which was fantastic, we get down to brass tacks. Lauren isn’t “a dude” (only self-identified DUDES are born dudes, y’all) Lauren was born intersex, and the pills she takes are hormone replacement pills. At this moment I felt two things: 1. disappointment on behalf of our dearest Mey, who has been praying to the teevee goddesses that Lauren would turn out to be a trans woman ever since Tommy made a comment about Lauren never getting her period in Season One and 2. Excitement about an intersex character on our television set!

If you’re one of the ten trillion humans who don’t know what it means to be intersex, we very much recommend you read everything Claudia has ever written for Autostraddle BUT FIRST you should read her very first article (which is under a different member profile for some reason), Claudia Is Intersex, Let’s Talk About It. Unfortunately Amy hasn’t yet read any of Claudia’s articles on Autostraddle and would like to know exactly what it means, but Lauren is too busy storming out to link her to inter/act.

Then who should show up AT THAT VERY MOMENT but Farrah, who lifts the garage door to illuminate Adam Lambert’s back-up dancer chilling in the garage with her gay daughter.

Cut to the living room, where Farrah’s refusing to give a fuck or even ask questions about the glam rock sex dungeon situation in her garage. Why? Because…

Amy’s a bit confused, but Farrah isn’t — she tells Amy that she saw Liam leaving this morning and tells her not to worry about it, it’ll be their little secret and now they can talk about it like girlfriends!!

Amy: So I can have an S&M dungeon in our garage, but I can’t fall in love with my best friend because she’s female?
Farrah: We don’t have to rehash all that. You’re done with that phase!
Amy: It wasn’t a phase, mother!
Farrah: But that boy in the garage —
Amy: That’s a whole other story and it’s not what it looks like.
Farrah: And that boy this morning?
Amy: That was what it looked like…
Farrah: See, you slept with a boy! That means you’re straight.
Amy: No, that means I’m confused!

Well, Farrah’s got The Worst on lock, but let’s talk about Amy for a second — is she truly confused? After sleeping with Liam — an event which seems, on all accounts, to have been thoroughly regrettable, and motivated by sadness and hurt rather than lust or desire? An event she might not even remember well enough to qualify as good or bad? Perhaps she isn’t sure who she is or what she likes or if she’s all-the-way gay, that’s fair and wouldn’t be unusual for somebody who’s just had her first gay awakening. But it’s also quite possible that Amy, as a freshly out-to-herself queer with zero lesbian friends, might just genuinely wonder if the fact that she was able to sleep with a boy and not hate it, in and of itself, means that she’s not all-the-way-gay. (It doesn’t.)

Oh, heads up: Farrah is ALSO confused:

Farrah: That makes two of us. If you could be with a boy, why wouldn’t you? It’d be so much easier.
Amy: For me, or for you?

ZING!

Farrah: Let’s focus on the positive here, you’re not sure you’re a lesbian and I’m late for my flight to the Yucatan!

I’m just gonna focus on the “I’m late for my flight to the Yucatan” part of that sentence.

Meanwhile, Tommy’s still tied up and Liam and Karma are having a heart-to-heart about their feelings. Karma apologizes for doing such a terrible thing by lying about being Amy’s girlfriend, AKA lying about being AWESOME.

Liam: We both did fucked up things.
Karma: “We did”? What did you do?

Don’t do it, Liam! Don’t tell her!

Liam: I… I… I only noticed you because you were a lesbian. But then… then I saw so much more.
Karma: I may have lied about being gay, but I never lied about my feelings for you.
Liam: I know.

But before they can smash their lips into each other’s faces, Amy shows up and announces that Farrah’s gone. The photo shoot can commence! Shane begins lining up the dildos.

We then cut to Lauren hitting up the inter/act website with an advice question. Her self-loathing is so sad and so familiar and someone should probably give her a hug. Even though she’d probably push them away.

I obviously paused the show to transcribe her question, so here you go:

I told my boyfriend that I’m intersex, and we broke up. He thinks that means I’m a man. I think that means he’s an idiot. But seriously, as if moving to this town wasn’t enough, he’s going to ruin my life and I don’t know how to fix it. He just blurted out to EVERYONE that I’m a dude! It was horrible. I explained it to him like, three times! I’m just so… scared. I’m scared they’re all going to judge me and make assumptions about my body when they don’t even know me. How do I even explain —

But before she can finish, Shane bursts in to announce that Tommy’s mouth is on lockdown.

Furthermore:

Shane: You know, I’m not gonna tell anyone, Lauren. None of us will, I promise. I told you, no more outing people!
Lauren: You say that now but one day you’ll want to humiliate me.
Shane: And I will. But not about this. I don’t think there’s anything humiliating about what you told us. But clearly you do. You’ve gotta work on that if you wanna be happy.

:-(

Everything is winding down for the night, including Amy, who’s trying to brush her teeth in this very cute raglan shirt/nightie situation but her dental hygiene is interrupted by Karma, who’s on the bed in her Contempo dress with her guitar eager to continue playing that weird song she wrote.

Amy tells Karma that she’s gotta stop it with these romantic gestures because it’s like she’s waterboarding Amy’s heart. This is like when [redacted] used to come into my room and rub lotion all over her naked legs while I was on my laptop just to drive me insane, except more acoustic.

Karma: Oh… oh. Okay. No more of that, got it. I just don’t wanna lose you. We’re gonna grow old together remember? We’re gonna sit on the porch and drink Iced Tea and talk about —
Amy: You’re doing it again.
Karma: Dammit. I just never thought that anything could come between us and then last night I rejected you and now you’re pulling away, and I’m worried you’ll end up hating me.
Amy: It’s not your fault that you don’t feel the same way. Even though I wish you did! (looks at Karma) You still don’t? (Karma gives her a look) Just checking!

AW!

Amy: And I could never hate you.
Karma: I could never hate you either.

BFFs FOREVER!

Of course, Lauren’s in the bathroom, snooping. And, because nobody on television is capable of strategically throwing out their Plan B or their pregnancy test or, for the love of goddess, SKIPPING THE BIN ALTOGETHER AND RECYCLING THE CARDBOARD BOX IT CAME IN, Lauren spots Amy’s Plan B box chilling at the top of the garbage can. I would’ve wrapped that sucker in duct tape and then tissue paper and then a boring magazine and then a plastic bag and then probably a burlap sack before disposing of it in a garbage can 25 miles out of town.

Welp, that’s the show! What did you think? Also I swear there is stuff with Amy and another lady this season, despite the fact that this trailer seems to be shoving that situation backstage: