Exhausted By Dating Apps? Try Throwing Your Phone Into the Sea

If every time you open a dating app, you feel like you’re going to scream and/or weep and/or ascend out of your body and become a spectral presence who will haunt the corporeal forms of your friends and family, fear not! You’re not alone, and your existential doom is #valid. The apps are exhausting. We’re all exhausted. So here’s some practical advice to implement the next time you’re feeling overwhelmed by all the swiping, messaging, matching, and flirting that ultimately leads nowhere:

THROW YOUR PHONE INTO THE SEA.

Just do it! Don’t live near the sea? A lake, pond, stream, or large puddle will suffice. Basically, any body of water will do the trick. But to really get the full effect, it’s gotta be the sea. The sea is calling you! Unlike all those people from the dating app!

Pros of throwing your phone into the sea:

  • No more dating apps
  • No more notification anxiety
  • The next time someone asks you “hey how’s dating going?” you can say “I don’t know, I threw my phone into the sea.”
  • You can sing a rendition of “Under the Sea” where you change the lyrics to “Tinder the sea.”
  • Your phone might hit a mermaid and/or sea witch who will then fall in love with you.

Cons of throwing your phone into the sea:

  • ????
  • Can’t think of any.
  • Well actually, if too many people do it, it’s probably bad for climate change or something. What do I look like, a climate scientist?!

You’ll be surprised and delighted just how easy it is to choose a dating app-free life. No more awkward first dates where you accidentally have nothing to talk about because you asked too many questions in-app. No more struggling to identify the person you’re meeting up with because their photos were kind of unfocused on the app. NO! MORE! APPS!!!!!!

So next time you’re feeling down about dating apps, ❌ STOP SWIPING ❌ and simply throw your phone into the sea. It’s the sexy oceanic solution to all that ails you.

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Kayla Kumari Upadhyaya

Kayla Kumari Upadhyaya is the managing editor of Autostraddle and a lesbian writer of essays, short stories, and pop culture criticism living in Orlando. She is the assistant managing editor of TriQuarterly, and her short stories appear or are forthcoming in McSweeney's Quarterly Concern, Joyland, Catapult, The Offing, and more. Some of her pop culture writing can be found at The A.V. Club, Vulture, The Cut, and others. You can follow her on Twitter or Instagram and learn more about her work on her website.

Kayla has written 814 articles for us.

3 Comments

  1. I prefer services that at least give a chance for a new relationship. You need a service where you can be sure that the girl who is talking to you is a real girl, and not just a prankster. By the way, what do you think about this dating site http://www.sofiadate.com/ with girls and women? Sounds like a pretty popular dating service, doesn’t it? He has many options on how to find the right girl.

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