I Survived! 10 Tips From an Ex-Lesbian Influencer

If it happened to me, it could happen to you: internet lesbian stardom. What started out as #slay turned out to not be the #serve I thought it was. There comes a time in every lesbian’s life where we must ask ourselves:, “How insufferable do I want to be on this dying planet?”

For me, in 2020, the answer was clear. I wanted to be so insufferable that I made all the other lesbians retire their carabiners and septum rings. And I did it. I really did it. I became a lesbian influencer and had the world in my hands. I had gay dating app brand deals, I received more free vibrators than I could count, I had a YouTube relationship, and I even opened a P.O Box for fan mail. But one day, I got out. Here’s how I survived:

1. I learned how to shut the fuck up

By getting my jaw wired shut for two months.

2. I set all my ring lights and tripods aflame in an abandoned shopping mall parking lot

And spent 2 years in prison for arson.

3. I called in a bomb threat to my internet provider’s headquarters

And was promptly banned from installing wifi in my residence.

4. I sent 14,000 hand-written letters to Trump’s presidential office personally requesting the banning of TikTok in the United States

I’m sorry.

5. I manufactured the Avery Cyrus/JoJo Siwa drama so that I could make a quiet exit

You’re welcome for this one.

6. I paid a guy from Craigslist to shock collar me any time I reached for my phone for 30 days

It was ineffective.

7. I replaced all of the apps on my phone with Duolingo and learned 32 languages

σκοτώνω! That means slay in Greek! [Editor’s Note: It actually literally means kill.]

8. I created an AI-Generated video of myself from highschool saying politically incorrect things and leaked it on Reddit

If I worked for myself, then I can also cancel myself! That’s #feminism!

9. I posted 500 Tweets about how Taylor Swift is not queer and in fact not even really an ally

And then threw my phone into the bottom of the ocean.

10. I transitioned into a straight man

You either die a hero or live long enough to become the lesbian influencer. I chose death.

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Motti

Motti (they/he) is a New York born and raised sorority girl turned writer, comedian, and content creator (whatever that means these days). Motti has been featured on We're Having Gay Sex Live, The Lesbian Agenda Show, Reductress Haha Wow! Live, the GayJoy Digest, and even played the role of "Real Life Lesbian" on Billy on the Street. In 2022, they wrote about how clit sucker toys are a scam, sweet gay revenge, chasing their dreams, and getting run over by a pick up truck in their now-abandoned newsletter Motti is An Attention Whore. Motti has a Masters in Public Administration and Local Government Management, you'd never know it from the shit they post online (see previous sentence), but occasionally he'll surprise you with his knowledge of civic engagement and electoral processes. They live in Brooklyn with their tuxedo cat, Bo, and their 20 houseplants.

Motti has written 20 articles for us.

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