Sometimes Heather comes flying into the Autostraddle #freeform Slack channel and asks the team which lesbian things are more lesbian. Yesterday she did it with cereal mascots, and thus: “Cereal Mascots, Ranked by Lesbianism” was born. We eagerly look forward to defending Snap, Crackle, and Pop! in the comments.
17. Cruncheroos Dino
Valerie: Heather did you…invent mascots just for this question
Christina: OKAY RIGHT
Drew: Not gay but #1 himbo ally.
16. Fruit Loops Toucan Sam
Ro: Toucan Sam is 100% a self-proclaimed ally who bought a bunch of pride merch at Target
Nicole: He is giving me middle-aged-gay-white-man-running-the-LGBTQ-affinity-group-at-the-conference vibes. like “Do you want a rainbow sticker for your badge? HERE!”
Drew: I don’t know… I feel like she’s a very eager baby queer at her first pride. (Who went by Samantha until two months ago.)
Ro: I think every masc queer goes through a phase where they insist on wearing a captain hat.
Laneia: *@stef has entered the chat*
Ro: I am not surprised in the least.
Ro: If only I could find a pic of me at 19 in my bedazzled sailor hat and marching band jacket (which, yes, I often wore simultaneously).
Drew: No longer identifies as a lesbian, but still feels an affinity for lesbian community.
14. Raisin Bran Sun Boy
Laneia: has never really thought about their sexuality tbh, just hasn’t come up for them yet
Riese: sun boi loves double fisting
Rachel: got really into bread baking over quarantine
Christina: Have I never seen this sun before what in the lord’s name am I looking at
Drew: If this sun boy isn’t gay then they’re the most annoying person. If they are gay then they’re still annoying but at least they’re gay.
13. Cinnabun the Trix Rabbit
Stef: always wantin something they can’t have
Natalie: this has chaotic bisexual written all over it.
Laneia: WHAT THAT’S THEIR NAME????
Valerie: i came here to ask the same question as Laneia
Heather: yes! cinnabun! named after a real rabbit from texas named cinnabun who won a contest to be the trix rabbit!
Laneia: shut UP OMG
Meg: heather you cereal box mascot lore is absolutely astonishing, i –
Valerie: okay it’s very cute it was named after a real rabbit but Trix have nothing even remotely cinnamonny about them so I must protest
Laneia: THAT IS THE ISSUE YES VALERIE THANK YOU
12. Count Chocula
Vanessa: i just want to note i had count chocula for breakfast this morning. that’s all!
Rachel: getting like baby butch drag king vibes
Christina: Former theater kid, absolutely baby butch drag king, refers to it LOUDLY as their “art” in public
11. Cookie Crisp Woolf
Drew: This wolf has Finley energy.
Carmen: OMG NOW I SEE IT, will have to change my vote
10. Toni the Tiger
Vanessa: ok sorry but toni is daddy
Christina: Muscle queen, and yeah, kind of annoying about it, but in a way where you are like “Idk that’s just his thing?” Plant Daddy, great cook
9. Buzz the Cheerios Bee
Heather: I just want to be clear that this is Buzz’s Twitter profile photo.
Laneia: virgo, can tell you which supplements you should be taking based on your gum health alone, runs the co-op and expects you to be 20 mins early for your shift okay! on time is late!
Rachel: this bee loves crocs SO much
Drew: This bee is a lesbian, but I’d be worried if any of my friends were dating them.
8. Cocoa Puffs Sonny
Valerie: please tell me this is fanart?? was sonny always this stoned looking????
Natalie: me, after the edible hits.
Rachel: started an outfit inspo tiktok but forgot about it after a week
Christina: Fun Mom on the Edge
Meg: look, i’m sorry but sonny has “mom from jagged little pill” energy
Christina: GOOD NIGHT
7. Honey Smacks Dig ‘Em Frog
Laneia: is looking into WWOOFing next spring
Ro: When you ask them on a date, their only activity suggestion will be foraging.
Vanessa: unfortunately i have to admit this frog is 100% my type, circa 2014
Valerie: i don’t know about the frog but the name of this cereal is incredibly gay
Christina: secretly has money but doesn’t talk about it and lives in a crumbling punk house with 15 other queers, always goes to Montana for the summer to do some sort of non specific farm work
Lameia: omg they go to boo’s farm
Vanessa: unfortunately this frog becomes more and more My Type Circa 2014 by the second!!!
Christina: LOL me just writing my worst nightmare person
Meg: this frog exhausts me but i’m happy that they’re thriving
Vanessa: christina i wish i’d had your brave insight and intuition 7 years ago
6. Rice Krispies’ Snap, Crackle, and Pop
Laneia: cannot WAIT to find out where the snap crackle pop nb throuple lands on this list
Nicole: They’ve been together so long! can we interview them for long-term relationship secrets?
Laneia: there was a surprisingly contentious week or so when crackle’s BUTT STUFF t-shirt went missing and pop was obviously the main suspect and honestly it would’ve been fine if they’d just owned up to it! but snap just bought them all their own BUTT STUFF tees and no one brings it up anymore, unless there’s tequila.
Vanessa: i had no idea that my relationship goals were right here on the front of a cereal box this whole time… wow. learning a lot about myself today.
Rachel: i feel like i would have like a friendly acquaintanceship with them for 3-4 years and never be totally sure whether they were a throuple or just like, really codependent roommates
Casey: I feel like they have Peter Pan vibes which is very gay
5. Golden Gaytime Coco Pops Monkey
meg: i have never in my life seen this monkey, who the fuck is this monkey
Heather: one time in the middle of the night stacy discovered an australian ice cream called “golden gaytime” and then she went on a deep dive and also found this cereal! the ice cream slogan is “it’s hard to have a gaytime on your own!”
Laneia: wow erasure ! but it feels true
Riese: “lesbians love monkeys” – The L Word
Valerie: i can’t believe i was denied golden gaytimes as a youth
Vanessa: this monkey is so young and happy and hopeful
Vanessa: this reminds me of the xena worrier princess meme with the haggard old sea dyke
Vanessa: do you know which one i mean? i can provide you with an image if you need, it’s saved on my desktop
Laneia: i’m gonna need that screenshot yeah
Heather: oh man you’re right that xena make this face ALL THE TIME
Vanessa: wait no no
Vanessa: so the monkey is the brand new queer in this meme
Vanessa: i’m the old sea dyke
Heather: oh! xena WORRIER princess!
Heather: well, however!
4. Golden Crisps Sugar Bear
Casey:Sugar Bear!! I am loving seeing all these American cereals and their mascots that we don’t have in Canada. Sugar Bear looks very tomboi.
Rachel: 20something hey mamas fuckboi, joined the community kickball team because they thought they’d meet women that way but has missed most of the games
Vanessa: wasn’t cheating on you, didn’t know kissing counted as cheating, didn’t realize it’s cheating if you just do it one time!!!!
3. Lucky the Leprechaun and Unicorn Gal Pal
Casey: The unicorn has bisexual hair!!
Vanessa: these babes are the MOST fun to go out dancing with
Rachel: heartbreaker hard femme + their dapper TA boifriend who wears suspenders
2. Frankenberry Themfriend
Vanessa: the berry manicure rly speaks to me
Christina: tired eyes = gay
Nicole: I saw this cereal the other day while grocery shopping and just held the box in my hands for a really long time. I didn’t buy it because I don’t really like cereal, but I wanted everything else about it.
Drew: I’m sorry but combining a Mary Shelley creation with a brightly colored fruit is as lesbian as you can get.
1. Boo the Boo Berry Ghost
Laneia: bummed she didn’t make it into heather’s gay ghost quiz but it’s ok, she gets it, been flying under the radar for decades at this point. she’s just glad she’s still friends with all of her exes, yeah, they bought that land in montana in the 80s, it was a real buyer’s market back then. she’ll tell you about it sometime. hey did you want some roasted dandelion tea? it’s her own blend.
Vanessa: i feel a little worried about this dyke.
Rachel: she looks how i feel
Vanessa: rachel can i get you anything
Natalie: I’m impressed with how many of these cereal companies make their mascots look stoned. They know where they’re getting their money from!
Meg: i feel the urge to wrap this ghost in a weighted blanket and bring her some tea
Christina: Always comes to the function at the time on the invite ON THE DOT, and leaves exactly forty six minutes later, no one has seen her home but then you learn she’s been living in a gorgeous brownstone she’s owned forever that is covered in plants and her oil paintings.